Free Fall (10 page)

I was on shaky ground with The Agency. I couldn’t keep doing this. Not now, not after all the new doubts about Roc that Justin had planted in my head.

I figured if I were going to be taken into custody for all the things I had done—which amounted to crimes against my own government—it would happen quickly, within the next few days. But as each day ticked by, I wondered what they were waiting for.

In the days that followed my conversation with Justin, I had a terrible premonition something bad was about to happen. Something unstoppable. It felt as if the whole world waited for the inevitable.

And when it finally happened, nothing could have prepared me for what I learned next.

I’d been logged onto Free America, tediously going over every single post when Ed Peyton, accompanied by Mark, knocked on my door late one evening. The second I saw Mark’s expression, I knew this wasn’t about me, but Roc. And it wasn’t good.

“What’s happened to him? Is he all right? Where is he?” My words sounded as if they were coming from somewhere far away and yet I felt as if I were screaming them. Someone—I’m not sure which of the two men—got me back inside the apartment and closed the door.

“Rainie, you have to prepare yourself. This is bad,” Ed told me while trying to get me to sit down.

“For God’s sake, Ed, just tell me what’s happened to him. Is he dead?” I prayed that I would be wrong.

Ed and Mark exchanged looks as the truth dawned raw and heartbreaking.

“Rainie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know how much you cared about him, but I’m afraid he’s gone.” I listened to the man who Roc described as being like a father figure to him, tell me that my husband was dead in a voice that lacked any hint of grief. Something in Ed’s expression hit me as odd. The way he couldn’t make eye contact told me far more than Ed’s words did.

“No, that’s not true. I don’t believe you. Roc’s not dead. But something has happened. What is it? Tell me the truth, for God’s sake.”

“Damn it, Rainie, I am telling you the truth. Do you think I would tell you Roc was dead if it weren’t true? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is to accept but it’s the truth. He’s gone. You have to accept this and let him go.”

“Let him go? No…You have to tell me what happened.”

“Rainie…”

“Ed, damn it, tell me what happened to him!”

He hesitated a moment longer, his gaze going to Mark’s before he nodded and Mark handed me a folder.

“It’s all in there. I was hoping to spare you this. I didn’t want you to have to see those, but I can tell you won’t be convinced until you do. Roc was fatally wounded earlier today, while on assignment in an undisclosed location. The specific details have been blacked out. The location isn’t important.” He held up a hand when I would have argued the point. “Trust me, there’s sufficient proof to convince even you. I’m sorry to say, some of the photos are graphic. As I’ve said, I’d hoped to spare you. Roc wouldn’t want you to see them. He wouldn’t want you to have to remember him that way.”

“Oh, God.” I covered my mouth to keep the sobs from escaping.

“Let it go, Rainie. I know you and I haven’t always gotten along, but for Roc’s sake, I’m asking you not to pursue this any further. You’re hurting, but leave it the way Roc wanted you to.”

The way Roc wanted you to?

“What do you mean? What did Roc tell you?”

“It means don’t go chasing after ghosts. Accept the facts in that folder and move on.”

“I want to see him. I need to see him, Ed.”

“No, Rainie, you don’t. Those pictures are proof enough. Leave it alone.”

I ignored Ed and turned to plead with Mark. “Mark, I have to see him. If he’s dead, I need to see that for myself. I need to bury him.”

“Rainie, you know that’s not allowed. Not with Agency members—it’s too risky. There can be no funeral.”

“He’s not dead, is he? That’s why you’re not telling me everything. He’s not dead.”

“Mark, can you step outside for a moment?” Ed asked.

Mark hesitated. He wanted to be there for me because of my connection to Roc, but he must follow Ed’s command. He gave me a look that was the closest thing to sympathy I’d get from him and left me without another word.

Ed waited until the door closed before speaking. “I know how hard this must be for you. It’s hard for me as well. You know that I loved Roc like my son, but you have to accept this. He’s gone.”

I shook my head, refusing to listen. I couldn’t accept this was the way things would end between Roc and me.

“Rainie, I’ve known about you and Roc since the beginning.” At my stunned expression, he smiled. “We were very close. What you have to understand now, is this is what Roc wanted. He took this assignment for you—not for himself or because I asked him to. He did what he had to do, knowing all the risks involved in it because he cared about you.”

“What are you trying to say? If Roc really cared about me so much then why did he leave?” I tried to comprehend what he wasn’t telling me.

“Because he knew how you felt about…things lately. Roc did this for you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m trying to tell you Roc knew how badly you wanted out. He went on this assignment with the understanding that you would be allowed to leave The Agency. I’m still prepared to fulfill my promise to Roc. I will allow you to leave The Agency and the Bureau, but only under the condition that you let things go. Don’t dig too deeply into Roc’s death. Leave this alone, Rainie, or I swear you’ll regret it. And I think you know that’s not just an idle threat.”

I watched as Ed walked out my door without so much as another word. I tried to determine just what he really knew about my relationship with Jeremiah Silvers but all I could think of was Roc. The man that meant everything to me was gone. I sank down to the floor where I cried until there were no more tears left inside me. Until I felt nothing but numbness. A few days ago, I thought I wanted nothing more than to be done with The Agency no matter the cost. Now it felt as if I would cry forever.

* * * *

I never would have survived those first few days without Margaret’s help. She knew right away from the choking sound in my voice that something was terribly wrong.

“Rainie, what is it?” At the concern in Margaret’s voice, I tried to gather my composure. I tried to say the words but they were impossible. For the first time in years, I felt like a frightened girl again. I didn’t know how to survive Roc’s death.

“Rainie, what is it?”

The last of my resolve cracked and I sobbed, “It’s Roc. He’s dead, Margaret. Roc’s dead. Can you come?”

“I’ll leave right away. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I hung up the phone as tears flooded my eyes once more. Roc was gone. It wasn’t possible, was it? I prayed I would wake up and find this was just a bad dream because I didn’t know how to go on without him.

Margaret arrived soon after and took charge of everything. She got me to bed and stayed with me through the rough days, never leaving my side.

As word of Roc’s death spread, the team called to offer their condolences. Lissa even put our differences aside and brought food. Thanks to Margaret, over the next few days, friends outside of The Agency learned the news and stopped by. For a while, the apartment was never empty. After another week, Margaret reluctantly returned to work and with her absence, the apartment grew quiet again and time slipped by in silence. This was something I would come to associate with this time in my life. Silent. Waiting. The people that were once so comforting were all gone now. I found myself with too much time on my hands and too many troubling questions that needed answering.

As hard as I tried to do as Ed asked and accept Roc’s death as real, in my heart it felt as if Roc had committed the worst type of betrayal. He wasn’t dead. He just didn’t want to be with me anymore. At times, I wished that he were dead because the thought of living without him now was crippling.

One morning, I picked up the phone and called Roc’s secure phone, punching in the pass code. I listened as a strange silence followed, then the clicking sound that alerted me to the fact the call was being traced.

“Caller, please identify your rank and division,” a sterile voice on the other end asked, but I didn’t wait to hear anything else. This was standard Bureau procedure when an agent went missing or was down in the line of duty.

Finally, I forced myself to look through the folder Ed left for me. The pictures I found there were gruesome. The person in those photos had been shot numerous times. The body was barely recognizable as human. It could be Roc, or it could be any one of a million other men who possessed a similar build and appearance. If those photos were real and if indeed Roc was truly dead, had his death been in the line of duty? If not, was Roc truly a double agent working with the FLA as my brother alluded? Could his death have been the one Mark reported on? The questions went round and round in my head without any answers.

For days, I never left the apartment. I spent most of my time simply staring out the window and seeing nothing at all. For a long time I thought I would lose my mind. In fact, at times I almost prayed it would happen. Surely, insanity would be a welcome relief from this emptiness that seemed to consume me from the inside out.

And then, the first sign of life. I began to feel again. In my heart, I knew Roc was still alive. In all the years we’d known each other, even after things went bad between us, I’d always been able to count on the sixth sense feeling that existed between us. I could tell no matter where he was if he was okay or if he was in danger. My sixth sense was telling me very clearly that Roc was not dead as Ed would have me believe.

I slipped into the second stage of grief. Anger. I was angry with Roc, with Ed. Angry at the sordid business I’d allowed myself to become part of.

I found the only thing that eased the pain was being with the people who knew Roc the best. Most of the team seemed surprised when I showed up at the next Agency meeting. In my absence, things had definitely changed in the group.

Mark told the team he would now begin recruiting new members. He didn’t say it but we all knew he was looking for Roc’s replacement.

“Don’t you think it’s a little too soon for that, Mark?” Stevie said. His eyes flashed with anger. “Come on, Roc’s barely been gone a month. Don’t you think we should leave things as they are for a while out of respect for his memory? I mean, this is hard on all of us. We all cared about Roc. We’ve lost one of our own and you’re callously talking about replacing him. For God’s sake, have some feeling for Rainie. Besides, things have gone cold here. There hasn’t been any new sighting of Silvers in weeks. I think the immediate threat may be clear. He knows we’re on to them, obviously.”

I tried not to show how hard those words were to hear. I didn’t want to feel angry with Mark or anyone else anymore. But I was well on my way to becoming a bitter woman.

Mark seemed determined to prove himself fit as commander of The Agency to Ed. “Rainie, I’m sorry. I know how hard this has been for you, but unfortunately, our work doesn’t stop with Roc’s death. Trust me, I wish that it did. I am sorry. I know you and the rest of the group miss Roc but we have to keep going, which means being prepared for anything. I know there’s been a lull in the chatter but that could mean anything, Stevie. I, for one, don’t want to be surprised. The Agency’s work isn’t over just because Roc is no longer part of it.”

“Mark, are you so sure that he’s really gone?” I stopped once those words were out. Looking around, the reaction of the group was easy to read. They thought I was delusional.

“Rainie, I’m sorry. I know how you felt about him but you have to face the truth. He is gone. Even if Roc hadn’t died, he wasn’t coming back. Why do you think he sold the house and cleared out everything he owned? He wasn’t planning on coming back,” Mark said.

“What are you talking about? Roc wouldn’t sell the house without discussing it with me first. You’re lying.”

“Sorry, Rainie, I didn’t want to tell you like this, not in front of everyone. But Roc had been talking about taking this assignment for a while. For months, in fact. He missed the intrigue and he knew The Agency would be safe without him. He wanted something more challenging for a while.”

“Then why didn’t he tell me?”

As I looked into Mark’s eyes, I saw the answer to that already. Against my will, I remembered all those times in the past when Roc had tried to talk to me about his feelings but I’d been too wrapped up in what I wanted from life, from our marriage, from him, even to listen. In the end, we usually ended up arguing and making love. I’d been so blinded by my own demons that I hadn’t seen his. It was then that I realized just how much I must have hurt Roc.

“Look, why don’t we just get on with the business at hand? None of this matters anymore, does it?” Mark couldn’t meet my eyes.

I didn’t hear another word said that night. I barely managed to keep it together until the meeting ended. Everyone in the group seemed to avoid me. I’d become an outcast among my own people.

That night, I did some serious soul-searching. I was history with The Agency. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t even pretend. I decided before I lost my nerve to sit down at my computer and type a note to Mark letting him know I was through. I would continue my search for answers to Roc’s death but I was done with the games. It was time to focus on my child. I had a chance for a normal life again and I had to take it. I was good at what I did. I would find a job wherever I decided to call home. I was convinced I could put The Agency and all the things it stood for behind me until it was proven to me in no uncertain terms—you can never really leave The Agency.

I’d just begun making discreet inquiries into Roc’s death when I received the call that propelled me back into the dark world I was trying to escape, and had me believing Roc was still alive and possibly hurt somewhere, trying to reach out to me.

The call came from an unknown disposable cell number. The background noise was so loud that the voice came through almost undistinguishable. I could only make out one word.