Freeing (20 page)

A text from Mark brings me out of my thoughts.

On my way. Got hung up with practice.

It’s cool. I’ll go ahead and get your drink.

I grab Mark a coffee and wait for him to meet me. He’s been having more band rehearsals, because they’ve been busy writing some new material since they play every week at Ryan’s bar.

When he finally walks into the coffee shop, he looks pissed. He spots me and makes his way back to where I am. Sitting down, he grabs his coffee and takes a sip.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Setting his cup down, he lets out a deep breath. “Aiden is just pissing me off. He keeps fuckin’ around with my music and changing it up. I don’t have time to be learning all these new songs to have him go right back and change them.”

“What does everyone else say?”

“Everyone is pissed at this point, so today was nothing but a bitch session, wasting my time.” Leaning back in his chair, he continues, “He wants to play some of the new stuff tomorrow night, but it isn’t ready.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, I know. Anyway, enough of my bitching. Did you show Gibson your new design?”

“Uh huh. He really liked it, so hopefully I won’t have to go back and change anything, and I can start to catch up,” I say. I have been so stressed out lately with this project.

“That’s good. Well, I’m about to submit my stuff for presentation, so when I do, I’ll have some more free time if you need any help.”

His eyes shift over my shoulder as I say, “Thanks.”

When Mark gives a slight nod, I turn to see who he’s looking at.
Shit!
When I see Preston walking over, I turn to stone as panic courses through me.
How the hell does Mark know him?

“Hey, what’s going on?” he says as Mark stands to give him a friendly clap on the shoulder before sitting back down.

“Not much. Was actually just with Aiden.”

I shift uncomfortably in my seat and then Mark looks at me, saying, “Jase, this is Preston. He’s a friend of Aiden’s.”

“I already know Jase,” Preston butts in with a snide smirk on his face, and I quickly stammer and tell Mark, “Yeah, we’ve run into each other a few times.”

Suddenly, what I felt was nothing more than an irrelevant hookup, just like all the others, seems more like a lie of omission from Mark, and I’m caught in the confines of remorse and anxiety. Distraction saves me when I hear my phone ring. When I take it out of my pocket, I look to Mark and say, “It’s Candace.”

As soon as I answer it, I can hear her crying. And the bullshit happening in front of me vanishes in an instant.

“Sweetie, are you okay?”

She can hardly get her words out through her breaths. “No. I need you. Please.”

“What happened?” I ask and immediately stand up, shrugging on my jacket, needing to get to her. Mark stands up and starts following me out the door as I walk away from one of the many regrets of my past.

“I can’t breathe.” Her voice is strained as she speaks through heavy gasps.

“I’m on my way, just try to relax,” I tell her.

She hangs up the phone, and I rush to my car.

“What’s going on?” Mark asks.

“I have no clue, but she’s crying and freaking out. I gotta go. Sorry. I’ll call you, okay?” I say as I hop into my car.

“Yeah, go. Let me know what’s going on.”

I don’t even respond when I peel out of my parking spot and start speeding to her house. Everything from that exchange back there seems so trivial compared to what Candace is going through, and right now, she needs me. My heart beats hard as I try to get to her. Running through stop signs and honking at the slow-ass people driving on the road, I finally rip into her driveway. Fiddling with my keys, I find the one for her door. When I walk in, I can hear her faint cries. Going into her room, I open her closet door and see her lying on the floor covered in vomit.

“Shit. What happened?” I say as I rush to her and scoop her up in my arms.

She clings to me as I carry her into her bathroom and start stripping off her soiled clothes. She’s vacant as she sits on the edge of the tub, crying and shaking, and my heart breaks for her. Never have I seen a person so broken, but to have Candace be this person debilitates me in a way I wish I’d never have to feel.

I toss her shorts and shirt into the tub and kneel down between her legs. Holding onto her knees, I whisper, “What happened, sweetie?”

She just shakes her head and covers her face with her hands as she cries. I wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I hold her for what feels like a long time until she softens in my arms. When I look at her, she’s exhausted. I don’t say anything. I know she hates talking when she’s this upset. I walk over to the shower and turn the water on. I return to her and pull her up.

“You need me to help you clean up?” I ask.

She shakes her head and takes off her underwear before stepping into the water. I give her space and leave her alone while I go to the laundry room and grab some towels to clean her closet floor. I don’t know what the hell happened, but I’m pretty sure she had another one of her nightmares. This is the stuff that makes me feel so guilty for not being around more.

After cleaning everything up, I go back into her bathroom to grab her clothes, and I see her arms braced on the tile wall as she stands under the showerhead. Her head is hanging down, and I just want to grab her and take it all away, but I can’t. I can’t do anything to make this stop hurting her. I walk back to the laundry room and toss everything in the washer and start it.

When I return to her room, the water is still running, so I call Mark.

“Hey, babe. How is she?” he asks.

“Not good. I hate this,” I say, defeated. Like somehow I’ve let her down.

“What happened?”

Letting out a sigh, I tell him, “When I got here she was in her closet crying. She had thrown up and was lying in it.”

“Oh my God.” He’s worried; I can hear it in his voice.

“She hasn’t said anything yet. She’s in the shower now, but I know she had another nightmare. She doesn’t take her sleeping pill when she takes naps in the middle of the day.”

“You need me to come over there?” he asks, and I love that he does.

“No, it’s fine. I’m gonna stay here for a while though.” There is no way I can leave her like this. I don’t want to.

“Maybe you should talk to her about seeing a therapist or something.”

“Yeah, I’ll try, but I know she’ll just shut me down,” I say and then hear the shower turn off.

“God, I feel so bad for her,” he says in a soft breath, and I am right there with him, feeling the pain.

“I know. She’s getting out of the shower, so I need to let you go.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll call you later.”

I go ahead and grab Candace some clothes from her dresser and take them to her in the bathroom. She gets dressed and throws her hair up on top of her head. I take her hand and pull her into bed with me and hold onto her. She clings to me and buries her head in my chest.

Whispering, I ask, “Another nightmare?”

“Yeah,” she breathes out.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

Pulling her hairband out, I start combing my fingers through the wet strands.

“I really think you should talk to someone about this.”

“Jase. Please don’t.”

“I know you don’t want to, but it’s been a couple of months and I feel like you’re just sinking further away. I’m worried.”

“It’s fine. I just need a little more time to pass,” she says, and I kiss the top of her head.

Time. She believes time is all she needs and everything will just fade away. She’s living in denial, and I don’t know how to get through to her. I have tried so many times in my own way, but she avoids the conversations every time. I just need her to be okay, and she is so far from it. She’s just deteriorating into a shadow of what she used to be. My heart has never ached as much as it does for her.

“You don’t have to stay here,” she mumbles against my chest, and she’s crazy if she thinks I’m leaving her here alone after what I just saw.

“I’m not leaving you.”

It takes a while, but eventually she falls into a fit of restless sleep. I check the time on my phone and see that it’s nearing seven o’clock. I hate to wake her, but I do anyway.

“Candace,” I whisper, not wanting to startle her out of her sleep. “Candace, wake up.”

“Mmm,” she moans in response.

“It’s almost seven. Why don’t you go ahead and take your pill for the night since you’re so tired.”

She nudges her head against me before lifting it up to look at me.

“Where are they?” I ask.

“In the bathroom in the second drawer.”

I slide out from underneath her and grab a pill from the bottle. When I walk back to her, I hand her the half bottle of water already on her nightstand along with the pill.

She sits up on the edge of the bed and when she sets the water down, she looks up at me and says, “I’m sorry.”

I sit next to her and hold her hand. “Never be sorry for needing me.” I lean in and give her a kiss. “I will always be here for you.”

I stayed with Candace all night last night. We barely got any sleep ‘cause she kept having night terrors. Although I’m tired, I’m going to go hang out at Blur while Mark’s band plays tonight. He already left to go meet the guys to run through some new songs they’ll be playing tonight, so I text Ryan to let him know I’m on my way there.

Ryan and I have been hanging out a bit more lately. He’s a cool guy to chill with, so he stops by every now and then to have a beer and watch TV. And whatever funk he was in when I first met him seems to have dissipated a bit and he has become a little less intense and moody.

I pull around to the back lot of Blur and park my car. When I go in, I head up to Ryan’s office to hang out for a bit.

When I walk in, he is sitting behind his desk drinking a beer and flipping through a pile of papers.

“Hey, man,” I say before walking over to the small steel fridge that sits on the floor behind his desk.

As I grab a beer, he says, “Can you toss me another one of those?”

I pop the caps and hand him a bottle before I sit down. “So, you been up here all day?”

“Pretty much. You know how Saturdays are—crazy as hell all day.” He takes a long swig of his beer and then says, “Missed you last night. Mark said you got hung-up with a friend.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. She’s been going through a rough time, so I decided to stay with her last night.” I was supposed to go out to a private concert to hear one of the bands that Gavin had just signed. I told Mark to go ahead and go when I decided to stay the night with Candace.

“You missed a pretty good show.”

“That’s what Mark said.”

Ryan laughs and says, “Your guy’s a little crazy when he drinks.”

“I’m not even gonna ask, but he was in a piss-ass mood when I saw him earlier,” I say through my laughter as I shake my head.

“Ha! I bet. He drank a shitload, probably hungover as fuck.”

We both laugh when the door opens and Mark walks through. “What’s so funny?” he asks as he stands there.

“You, man,” Ryan says.

“If this is about last night, I don’t even wanna know what the hell I did. My head has been pounding all damn day, and now I have to play for the next two hours.”

“Go find Max. He always has earplugs,” Ryan tells him.

“Not a bad idea.” Looking at me, he asks, “Can I stay with you tonight? My new roommate just decided to tell me that he’s throwing a party tonight.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Well, I gotta run. I just wanted to catch you,” he says and then turns to leave.

Mark has been keeping more distance between us when we are out, knowing that it still makes me uncomfortable. I hate that he feels like he has to do that for me. I know I need to get over it and try to force myself to show more affection with him when we are around others. I just need to push myself to take that step. But now I need to be honest and tell him about Preston. I never even felt like it was something I ever had to disclose to him, but now, knowing that they know each other, makes what happened relevant.

When Ryan and I walk down, I head over to the bar to say hi to Mel. We talk off and on, like we usually do, while I sip my beer.

“What’s up with Mark?” she asks as she nods her head towards the stage.

Turning to look at him, I laugh at the crap mood you can tell he’s in and the neon orange earplugs he’s wearing. I look back at Mel, and say, “He’s hungover.”

“That sucks.”

I look over to see Ryan being mauled by some redhead. He normally pushes off every girl that comes his way, so I’m a bit shocked, and just laugh as I turn back to Mel.

“Looks like he’s back to his old self,” she says with a smirk before walking away to help some customers.

After some time has passed, I watch Ryan take that chick out the back by her hand.

“Hey, Mel,” I holler down the bar. When she looks up at me, I say, “You think I could get a bottle of water when you get a chance?”

“Sure, hun.”

I overhear the two girls next to me talking about Mark and how the one girl plans to slip him her number. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Girls are all over his junk, and lately it’s been making me feel more possessive of him. Everyone assumes he’s single
and straight
because I’m so self-conscious of what people will think of me if they saw us simply holding hands.