Freeing Carter (14 page)

I
'
m still waiting to see Mom firsthand to know how today is. Sara
'
s been in and out of Mom
'
s room a couple times. She
'
s dressed and all that so I
'
m hoping it
'
s guilt that keeps her behind her bedroom door. That she just doesn
'
t want to see me because she knows how wrong she is. Knows she needs help
,
and is thinking about how to come down and tell me she
'
s getting it.

Okay
,
so lack of sleep made me delusional
,
but a guy can hope.

Pushing away what should be my chocolate chip reward for keeping my eyes open all night
,
I lean my head into my hands.

Maybe she should feel guilty
,
but I should too.

For the ten thousandth time since last night I wonder
,
am I doing the right thing? I can deal with it. When it just affects me
,
who cares? I can take care of myself
,
but Sara? I won
'
t let her see it. There
'
s no way I can risk her. That never became a possibility until last night.

Guilt slams into those thoughts. This is
Mom.
Didn
'
t I just tell Bill she
'
d never let anything happen to Sara? That she
'
d always take care of her and that she
'
d never get hurt? Is it that easy for me to turn my back on Mom? Maybe it wasn
'
t what I thought. Maybe she realizes how wrong she was and it will never happen again. What kind of son jumps to conclusions like this the first time?

"
Barney! Barney!
"
Sara slides into the kitchen
,
her sock-covered feet skidding on the floor. She
'
s out the other side before I have the chance to say anything to her and the TV is on. She can work a TV and DVD player like nobody
'
s business.

A second later Mom walks into the kitchen. I try to ignore her
,
not sure what to say
,
but I keep seeing that glass. Her stepping out of the closet
,
knowing Sara
'
s asleep in the next room.

I
'
m not sad anymore. The guilt is gone
,
replaced by heat. Anger. How could she pick that bottle over Sara?

Suddenly
,
I don
'
t want to study her. Don
'
t want to see her eyes
,
or hear her speak. I just want out. To escape it and pretend everything is okay.

Done with my soggy cookies
,
I push to my feet and head for the kitchen door. Little mini-eruptions go off inside me
,
readying me for the big one I know is coming.

"
I
'
m sorry.
"

Her words make me freeze in the kitchen door. We
'
ve never talked about it this way before. She didn
'
t even mention what she
'
s sorry for
,
but I know and there have never been apologies before. Usually it
'
s something we pretend doesn
'
t exist.

"
It was a hard day. Your grandpa was angry
...
and
..."

My hands clench. I hate him. Hate him for what he
'
s done to her.

"
But that
'
s not an excuse. I
'
m sorry
,
Carter. It
won
'
t
happen again.
"

I don
'
t turn around to look at her. The sigh that comes from her tells me she
'
s glad I didn
'
t walk out. I
'
m glad too because I hear it in her voice. The hurt and fear would break me if I saw it in her eyes.

I
'
m sorry
...

It won
'
t happen again
...

Those words wipe out the explosions inside me. Sober apologies are real. I know it. They have to be. She wouldn
'
t lie about something like this. Would she? No
...
No
,
this is Mom and she wouldn
'
t lie about something this important. Not to me.

Suddenly
,
I can breathe. I didn
'
t even know I couldn
'
t before. But it
'
s going to be okay now because she said it won
'
t happen again.
"
It
'
s okay
,
Ma
...
It
'
s okay.
"

I risk a quick glance at Mom before I walk out
,
feeling lighter than I have with her in a while.

My truck purrs to life when I start it. I have a ton of finished homework in my bag
,
and practice tonight. I
'
m determined today
'
s going to be a kickass day. Okay
,
maybe that
'
s stretching it
,
but a good day. A normal day.

I need normal
,
no drama.

Mel pops into my head
,
our arguments and what I
'
d decided to do last night.

Or what I think I
'
d decided. But were things really as bad as I was thinking last night? I mean
,
thirty minutes ago I was freaking out about Mom and now I
'
m suddenly sunshine and rainbows or something. Maybe things with Mel will get better too.

Or maybe I
'
m being too weak to risk the wrath of ending it. Is it wrong
trying
to hang
on to the calm—the hope that for once everything really might be okay?

It
'
s not until I get to school that I start to wonder... Did Mom mean it will
never
happen again
,
or just not when Sara
'
s home?

***

We decide to go out to lunch today. Mel
'
s driving with me in the passenger seat. Trina and Travis are in the back
,
sitting way too far apart from each other. Well
,
as far away as you can get in a Bug
,
that is. Her arms are crossed
,
obviously mad about something while Trav drums on his legs to non-existent music.

"
What
'
s with everyone today? Someone kick your puppy?
"
I reach over and put my hand on Mel
'
s leg.
I
t feels different. I
'
ve been touching this girl
'
s leg for a year. Makes no sense that it would somehow feel different now. And not in a good way either.

"
I
'
m in a good mood
,"
I say
,
squeezing her leg.
"
You are too
,
aren
'
t you
,
baby?
"
Liar
,
liar pants on fire.
For a second I wonder if Mel will pick up on it the way Kira did. If suddenly I
'
m not a good liar anymore and she
'
s going to call me on it. Tell me I
'
m fake
,
but she only looks over and smiles.

"
I
'
m always in a good mood. I have a notebook in the glove box. Can you grab it?
"
she asks. I put it on her lap
,
but don
'
t put my hand back
,
feeling wrong all of a sudden.

Lunch isn
'
t long enough to eat there
,
so we grab our food to go. I drive Mel
'
s car back so she can eat easier
,
picking at my own fries as we go. The car is way more silent than it should be
,
which gives thoughts and memories time to jump around in my head. So don
'
t feel like going there. I
'
m determined to make this day
,
hell
,
all the days after it too
,
into something better than they
'
ve been.

"
So
,
you guys want to do something this weekend? Maybe for the night? I
'
m sure I can pull the staying-at Travis
'
s-card.
"
It
'
s then the genius of my mind strikes me. This is the
perfect
plan. I
'
m feeling a little weird about what happened with Mom anyway. Sara
'
s going to be with Bill. Maybe it will help me and Mel
,
and Travis and Trina at the same time.

"
Can
'
t
,"
Travis says. At the same time
,
Mel and Trina speak up about some cheer sleepover.

"
What?
"
Anger starts to creep in.
"
Cheer sleepover? You guys have never done that before
,
have you?
"

"
Dude
,
let
'
s plan a team night out!
"
Travis jumps into the conversation
,
but I
'
m still on the cheer thing.

"
Mel
,
weren
'
t you the one saying we never get to see each other?
"
Wow
...
I sound like a girl. What
'
s wrong with me? Really
,
it
'
s not even that I care. Do I?

I glance at Mel quickly
,
seeing if I feel that urge to touch her. Trying to figure out if it
'
s really
her
I want to spend time with or if I
'
m a jerk who
'
s using her because she gives me the sense of normal I crave.

"
It
'
s something new Trina and I came up with. We
'
re captains this year and we really want to bring the team together.
"
Mel
'
s head is buried in a text on her cell. She looks up at me only to say
,
"
Umm
,
careful. You
'
re going to drip ketchup on my car.
"

So
,
Mel can
'
t hang out. My body suddenly relaxes
,
and I pop the dripping fry in my mouth
,
not even realizing I
'
d been tense at the idea of spending time with her. It
'
s like my body and brain are at war with each other. My head
is
telling me to do whatever I can to make this work because it fits. We fit. But my body? I
'
m just not sure I
'
m feeling it anymore.