French Kissing (16 page)

I tried to recall the last time being with Nick had made me feel completely content. I honestly couldn't remember.

Sixteen

On Saturday evening, Nick arrived at my place with an Indian take-away, which we ate sitting opposite each other at my dining table, while he talked about his presentation to his German colleagues.

‘It went even better than I expected,' he said. ‘Nothing's been confirmed, but my chances of promotion are looking pretty good at the moment.'

‘I'm so pleased for you.' I was, but no more pleased than I would be for any one of my friends who'd told me they'd got a promotion at work.

‘It'll also mean a significant increase in my salary, of course,' Nick said.

‘I'm sure it's well-deserved.' Was it love I felt for him? Or was it that I was just used to being half of a couple?

‘More money for us to spend on trips abroad like our holiday in Mexico.'

‘Mmm.' If I don't love him, I wondered, how can I spend two weeks with him in a luxury resort?

‘Do you want that samosa?' Nick said.

‘No, you have it.' I'd only eaten half my chicken tikka, but I no longer had any appetite.

Nick said, ‘I know some people claim that having a well-paying job isn't important to them, but I happen to believe it is.'

He sounded so pompous. How had I never noticed before? Maybe I was blinded by love. And maybe now I wasn't.

Nick said, ‘A man who doesn't have a career structure or a guaranteed income can't possibly plan for the future the way he should. Take your friend Alexandre, for instance: working freelance, he'll never be financially secure.'

‘Alex does OK. More importantly, he's doing something he feels passionate about. Photography is more than a job to him – it's part of who he is.'

‘Well, perhaps it's different for creative types, but I couldn't live the way he does.'

‘No, I don't suppose you could,' I said. ‘More biryani?'

Nick proceeded to spend the rest of the meal re-enacting his presentation. I pushed my food around my plate.

Later, while I cleared the table, Nick, without asking what I wanted to do for the rest of the evening, switched on the TV, flicking through the channels until he found the football. Smothering my irritation, I went and stacked the dishwasher, made coffee, and counted slowly to ten before re-joining him on the sofa. Unexpectedly, he put his hand on my thigh.

‘The match'll be over in twenty minutes,' he said, never taking his eyes off the screen. ‘Then we'll go to bed.'

Was he planning on us having sex tonight? For the first time in my life, I was tempted to tell a man I was sleeping with that I had a headache.

I lay on my back staring up at the shadows on the ceiling. Nick, lying beside me, was snoring. I elbowed him in the ribs, and he stopped. I turned onto my side. It was just light enough for me to make out his features. He looked younger with his face relaxed in sleep. Did I love him? An hour or so earlier, when he'd got into bed and reached for me, I hadn't feigned tiredness or told him I wasn't in the mood, but pulled him to me and held him desperately tight while he banged away on top of me. It wasn't the worst sex I'd ever had, but when he'd rolled off me and gone straight to sleep, all I'd felt was relief.

The sound of the front door opening and shutting told me that Alex had just come in. He'd been going out that night with a bunch of guys from
The Edge
's art department (for someone who'd only been living in London a couple of months, he'd certainly established an impressive social life), but as far as I could tell from the footsteps in the hall, he'd come home alone. Suddenly, I wanted desperately to talk to him, to talk through my feelings towards Nick, and to ask his advice. I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Nick stirred and muttered, but didn't wake up. I sat very still, as the thought came to me that talking to Alex about Nick, when Nick so patently disliked him, would be incredibly disloyal to my boyfriend. There were enough things that I'd shared with Alex that Nick knew nothing about, without my adding to them. If I stayed with Nick, if I wanted to make our relationship work, I would have to start putting him before anyone else in my life, including Alex.
If
I stayed with Nick.

Seventeen

‘Did you have a good weekend?'

I looked up from my computer screen to see Alfie hovering in front of my desk, his earphones dangling from his hand.

No, I did not have a good weekend, but I didn't want the whole of Nova Graphics to know that I was having serious doubts about my relationship with my long-term boyfriend.

‘Yes, thanks.'

‘What did you do? Go out with Nick?'

‘I did see him, but we didn't go out. He's had a lot on at work recently, so we spent most of Saturday and Sunday relaxing in front of the TV. What about you?'

‘Oh, I didn't do anything much, either,' Alfie said. ‘Did you see Alexandre over the weekend?'

I raised my eyebrows. ‘He lives in my flat so do I tend to see him occasionally.'

Alfie shifted his weight from one foot to the other. ‘I've been wanting to ask you something about Alexandre. Well, not so much about Alexandre as about him and Izzy. She hasn't talked about him in days. Do you know why?'

I glanced towards the other end of the office where Izzy, a smile of satisfaction playing about her mouth, was engrossed in designing a new menu for a Greek restaurant. Since the debacle of our trip to the National Gallery, she seemed to have recovered completely from her infatuation – and her embarrassment. Only that morning, I'd been thinking how much I preferred working with her now that she'd stopped mooning over Alex and was back to her normal bubbly self.

I said, ‘Izzy has decided that Alex isn't boyfriend material.'

‘Really?' Alfie's face lit up. ‘Do you think I might stand a chance with her?'

Izzy had never given me any indication that she viewed Alfie as anything more than a guy she happened to work with. There again, she'd never said that she
didn't
find him attractive.

Choosing my words with care, I said, ‘Izzy's the only person who can answer that.'

Alfie sighed. ‘I really want to ask her out on a date, but if she turns me down, it's going to make working with her very awkward.'

‘Then why don't you keep it casual? Invite her to go for coffee or a drink after work – as a friend. Spend some time alone with her. See what comes of it. No pressure.'

Alfie pondered this for a while, and then he said, ‘I may just do that. If I can find the right moment.' He turned to go, but then he turned back to me. ‘Thanks for the advice, Anna. It's good to get a female perspective.'

I watched him walk over to his desk. Izzy looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back, before sitting down, and switching on his computer. I could easily imagine them as a couple.

Ignoring a sudden impulse to march over to Alfie and tell him to get this act together, I went to meet Beth for lunch.

‘You did
what?
' Beth stared at me wide-eyed.

‘I took off my clothes.'

‘Have I got this right? Alex says he wants to photograph you naked, so you whip your kit off?'

‘Shh.' I glanced around the coffee shop. The two men at the next table were obviously listening to our conversation with great interest. Lowering my voice, I said, ‘Alex is a professional photographer. I decided that posing nude for him was no different to posing for any other artist.'

‘Wasn't it hideously embarrassing?'

‘To be honest, I did feel awkward at first, but once I relaxed, I liked it. I felt good about myself, and my body.'

‘Anna Mitchel!'

‘Have I shocked you?

‘Yes. No. I don't know. Taking your clothes off for a photo shoot is pretty daring. Should I be shocked?'

‘See for yourself.' I fished the photo that Alex liked best, the one of me with the rose, out of my bag. ‘This is mine and Alex's favourite. It's a very sensual image –'

‘When you say
sensual
, do you mean
erotic
?'

‘I guess some people might describe it as mildly erotic, but only because of the story it tells and the way Alex lit the set. There's nothing
explicit
about it.' I passed the photo to Beth.

‘Oh,' she gasped. ‘You look
amazing
.'

‘That was my reaction – even if I say it myself.'

‘The way you were talking, I thought it would be X-rated, but this is beautiful.' She hesitated, and then she added, ‘Isn't it weird though, being around Alex after that photo shoot, knowing that he's had an eyeful?'

‘No. Not at all.'

Beth said, ‘I'm not a prude, honestly I'm not, but I could never pose naked for a photographer. I'd be far too shy. Besides, Rob wouldn't like it. I'm surprised Nick didn't mind.'

‘Nick doesn't know.'

Beth stared at me.

‘The way he feels about my friendship with Alex, I didn't even tell him about the shoot. I'm certainly not going to show him the photos. I don't want another row.'

‘But – I'm not judging you – but why did you let Alex take pictures of you, if you knew it would upset your boyfriend?'

‘When I was in the studio, when Alex was photographing me, I wasn't thinking about Nick.'

Beth gave me a searching look, and laid the photo down on the table. ‘Anna, I know I've asked you this before, but are you and Nick still solid?'

‘We're – I-I'm not sure – I –' I broke off in confusion.

‘What is it?'

I couldn't speak to Alex about Nick, but pouring out my troubles to a female
confidante
felt very different. And I simply had to talk to someone.

I said, ‘I do care about Nick, really I do, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I don't know if I want to be with him. Not any more.'

There was a long silence, then Beth said, ‘I know you and Nick have had a few arguments lately, but he's a nice guy –'

‘I'm not saying he isn't. He's kind and generous, but our relationship seems to have become nothing more than a habit. It isn't enough.'

‘Are you saying that you're going to break up with him?'

‘I don't know what I'm going to do. But I can't go on pretending nothing's wrong.'

Beth picked up the photo and looked at it again before handing to me. I stashed it in my bag.

She said, ‘Has the way you feel about Nick changed because you've got feelings for Alex?'

‘No,' I said. ‘It has nothing to do with Alex. I do find him attractive – every woman with a pulse finds Alex attractive – but this really isn't about him. It's about me and Nick.'

A waiter came to our table and asked if we wanted more coffee, but my lunch hour was nearly over, so I told him we'd just have the bill. We paid, scrupulously dividing the amount between us, just as we had when we were flatmates, and left the coffee shop.

‘What are your plans for the rest of the day?' I asked.

‘I,' Beth said, ‘am going to the gym. There's a beginners' yoga class that I want to try, and I'll probably do a work-out after that. Rob's mum is giving the kids their tea, so I've no need to hurry back. What about you?'

‘I'll have to see what's waiting for me in my inbox.' I hugged her, and turned to go. ‘Give my love to Rob, and Jonah, and Molly.'

Beth put her hand on my arm. ‘Lots of relationships go through a rough patch – as I know only too well. Think very carefully before you give up on you and Nick.'

I nodded. ‘See you soon, hun.'

‘Yes, see you very soon.'

Beth went off to Camden station and I started walking back to Nova Graphics, my thoughts all of Nick and what I could do to salvage our relationship. Or if I even wanted to. I had a long afternoon at my desk to get through, but my head was all over the place.

Stop stressing, Anna, I thought. Compartmentalise. Leave your troubles at the office door and concentrate on your work.

Ten minutes later, I was sitting at my workstation and logged onto my computer. I clicked on the first of the huge number of emails that had accumulated during my absence. A garden centre wanted a quote for advertising flyers. I started to draft a reply. My mind drifted to the photo in my bag. I thought about Alex, and the way his dark eyes shone when he talked about photography.

Focus, Anna.

My mobile announced the arrival of a text:

Need 2 talk 2 u!! URGENT!! Call me asap!! Love you xx Vicky xx

I doubted very much that my sister's need to talk was in any way urgent, but I was getting nowhere with the garden centre, so I called her back.

‘Anna!' Vicky squealed. ‘I'm on the Prom Committee!'

‘I'm guessing that's a good thing,' I said. ‘Well done. Congratulations.'

‘It's a popularity thing,' Vicky said.

‘Ah.'

‘The senior prom is the most important event in the school calendar.'

‘Wouldn't that be your A-Levels?'

‘My what?'

‘Victoria! Doing well in your exams is much more important than organising a dance.'

‘Have you been talking to Mum and Dad?'

‘No. But whatever they've said to you, I'm sure they're right.'

‘Honestly, Anna, being on the Prom Committee isn't going to interfere with my studies, but it
is
a really big deal. I
have
to do it right. And I need your help.'

‘With what exactly?'

‘I've told the rest of the Committee that I'll sort out the posters, the flyers, and the tickets, so I thought you could get those designed at your office. And if you could recommend a cheap printers, because we don't have much money –'

‘Whoa … I can't just waltz up to one of Nova Graphics creatives and tell them to design a poster for my sister's prom. They have
work
to do. For which they get paid.'