Fresh Off the Boat (39 page)

About two months after the
New York Times
article came out, I got a call from my mom at around 11
P.M
. on a Wednesday night.

“EDDDIIIIEEEE! It’s your mom!”

“Ha, ha, hey Mom! What’s up?”

“What’s up! Ha, ha, ha!!!”

“Mom, are you drunk?”

“I’m drunk!”

“What’s going on!?!?! When’d you start drinking?”

“Your father opened EVERY bottle of wine and champagne in the house tonight!”

“Why, what happened?”

Dead silence …

“What? You don’t know?”

“No, what happened? You won the lottery?”

“No, you dumb ass! You’re in the
WORLD JOURNAL
!”
^§

MY PARENTS WERE
Fresh Off the Boat, I’m a chinkstronaut, and my kids will be on spaceships. I didn’t allow America to sell me in a box with presets and neither should you. Take the things from America that speak to you, that excite you, that inspire you, and be the Americans we all want to know; then cook it up and sell it back to them for $28.99. Cue Funk Flex to drop bombs on this. All my peoples from the boat, let ’em know: WEOUTCHEA.

F
irst, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth: I owe everything to my parents, Jessica and Louis Huang. They gave everything for me and my brothers. You can retire now, Dad, we done did it. Mom, stop smoking cigarettes, they cause cancer.

Lao Lao, Lao Ye, Nai Nai, Ye Ye, I still talk to you all the time. Thank you for protecting me and always reminding me to do the right thing even if it’s more difficult. I see you.

In chronological order, all the Chink’s men … and women, of course.

Emery, you were always my a a-like until you decided to stop wearing carpenter shants. Bring it back. This Jay Chou hair cut and tight shirt thing is not wuts really good. It’s also very suspect that you have friends who are Scientologists, ha ha ha. Can’t it be like back in the day? You know you want to hit Poseidon, eat Zuzu’s burritos, listen to Master P, and wear beef ’n’ brocs with shants to Chan’s. I still remember that day you wore them with shorts laced up to Dad’s big event at Chan’s just to bug him out.

But, even if you decide to be a Scientologist wearing Armani Exchange the rest of your life, I support you in everything you do. Best memory I have of us is still that day Mom told you not to let the other kids in the basement take your food, so you squeezed the banana so hard that it was all over your hands when she came to pick you up. I’ll always let you have the blue dinosaur, love you, brother.

Evan, I’m glad I still live with you, but let’s make a deal. I’ll stop peeing on the seat if you stop giving five stars to shitty movies on Netflix, because it keeps recommending that I watch
Rio
and
Madagascar
. Do you just search for movies with motherfucking George Lopez toucans and shit? Even though you like
animated films with tropical animals, we can both agree that
Angry Boys
is the greatest shit America won’t let us watch. Don’t forget to always stay focused, finish strong, and expect everything that can go wrong to go wrong. Be prepared, don’t half step, you have to want it more than the next guy or he’ll eat your lunch, kid. It’s a jungle out there. Baohaus Spaceships coming 2013, let’s go!

The Vano family: Mr. Vano, Mrs. Vano, Joey, Carl, thanks for all the Vienna Sausage.

The Neilson family: you know I don’t believe in God, but if there is a big homie in the sky, she/he got you! All praise be to Mrs. Trista Neilson. You were my second mom and we’ll always remember you. Warren, Logan, Stewart, Justin, Mr. Neilson, thank you.

Romaen, Austin, Justin, Jared = A-Team WHAT.

Ning-Hsin Juang, you changed my life. I’d never be who I am if I didn’t meet you. From living in a four-hundred-square-foot alcove studio with boxes of T-shirts and sneakers to watching me run sour out of our row house apartment, you were always there doing the nose wrinkle.… When you get scared, close your eyes and tell yourself that VICTORY IS IN YOUR CLUTCHES. You can do anything you want, boo. I believe in you. Also, don’t let Gizmo eat her own poop; she’ll never break through the Alpo ceiling doing hood shit like that. P.S. If Rasheed Wallace didn’t wear Air Force 1 bricks, he would have been better than Tim Duncan.

Doug Mother-Fucking Van Sickle, you crazy wooden-shoe-wearing asshole, I couldn’t put any of our college stories in this book, but no one needs to hear about you tossing toy cop golf carts or sunburning yourself to death like Kramer. Thank you for always holding me down even when everyone told you I had mental SARS. Love you like I’ve never loved a white man before, pause.

Steven Lau, you taught me what it is to be a real friend. When I was dead broke, you paid my rent, gave me $ for dollar dumplings, and never said a word when I started buying Jordans instead of paying you back for eight months. Take that Bluetooth off and wipe your lips, god. I’d shout out your shawty, but you gonna love a new one in three months cause you love being in love, motherfucker, CLOSE YOUR LEGS, B!!! Ha, ha, ha.

Rafael Martinez IS THE PRINCE OF BROOKLYN. GOON SQUAD.

Roberto Martinez is the hardest preemie baby in the streets.

Jon Marks is a slave name; I ride for Koncept Sparkz!!! Send gummy bears from Germany or you’re dead to me. Manischewitz and Iced Vodka = Grape Mad Dog.

Stephane Adam, thank you for getting me through law school and saving Gizmo’s life.

Jesse Hofrichter is Woody Allen’s mental doppelganger. His brain is a dog trying to eat its own tail, but Uncle Jesse is a lovable lovable creature that the world needs. Peace, love, and jazzmatazz dun. UBL for life.

Kenzo Digital, you the most powerful ninja in the universe I know! Sometimes I feel like you got the infinity gauntlet or some shit, b. This book doesn’t happen without you pushing me to always do me regardless what these parasites think. It’s been surreal meeting someone that has a mission in life like we do. Can’t stop, won’t stop. I’ma BUST YOUR ASS in 2K13 when it comes out!!! You can’t stop that Monta Ellis flow. I don’t even like Japanese people, but I love you kid!!! Jordan 11s look good on this chinkstronaut, thanks, homie.

Mary HK Choi, shouts to our singular brain.

Follow @heyphilchang.

Master David Laven, you pretty fucking Indian.

Eddy Moretti, let’s ride on these punks trying to feed the kids soma. Eat good, smoke good, read good. #Vice

Marc Gerald, you are my sunshine!!! It makes me happy every time I see you with your Chinese flash cards. Glad you are learning the greatest language in the world and continuing the Chinese-Jewish narrative that makes the world a better place ha, ha, ha. You believed in me when others didn’t, you defend me when they try to co-opt me, and you support all my crazy endeavors. I’ve never seen you as an agent because you’re family. First of many …

Julie Grau, ha, ha, ha … <<

Cindy Spiegel, thanks for making this all come true. Hopefully, my five-hour edit sessions next door with Chris didn’t drive you crazy. I RIDE FOR SPIEGEL AND GRAU.

Dr. O’Sullivan, I’m gonna git you sucka.

Dr. Jones, thank you for teaching me that communication is not about berating people, it’s about listening, learning, and THEN convincing.…

Dr. Boles … bitch, please. Eat those chocolates, hold that umbrella, start that fire, Hitchcock life.
Royal Tenenbaums
: two thumbs up.
Memento
: four Siamese thumbs down. Wait, do Siamese twins have four thumbs? I don’t think so, but you get the point.

Dr. Henton, STAY MAD! Just kidding, but not really. You gave me the confidence to speak my mind 100 percent, and I’ll never forget it. Much love as always. You’re the best in my book. Always.

Charlie, I love how you clean up all the messes I create with such precision, but you really need to start chipping in on the pizza parties at The Door. Poor Peter is never going to get his superhero condom company off the ground paying for pizza.

Caroline, stay Italian. Love the denim vest, love the hair, love the shoes. Look good, smell good, eat good. We gonna look really good in private spaceships this year. Keep doing it, boo.

Michella, sorry I mispronounced your name for five months, but thank you for putting every Knick game in my calendar.

Josh and Amir, the Lakers suck, but y’all are ok.

Lastly, Chris Jackson. What more can I say? You pushed me to dig deep and talk about things that were uncomfortable, ignited revelations that took thirty years to uncover, and never judged me. You are living proof that we need more voices of color not only in publishing, but America. You’re more than that, though.… Your sentiments transcend color and I benefited from your ability to see things objectively at the core. Going over pages, you never let me off the hook with cop-outs just ’cause they sounded good. Others used to let me bamboozle them, but with you it was game recognize game. You’d already seen my tricks. Like Bruce Lee shadow boxing his image in the mirror, you forced me to see myself and break through the plaster mask.

You are exactly what I needed and never had. You didn’t get caught in the show and shot me through the heart when I tried to slip away. It took twenty-nine years to meet someone who wanted to go to war every single day between the margins, and we did it with a singular mind. It takes a village to shoot the fair one and you were my village on this track. Rotten bananas forever.

Eddie Huang is the proprietor of Baohaus.

He lives and works in New York.