Friend Is Not a Verb (8 page)

Most of the diary was like this. Right up until the final entry.

About the final entry…well, I’m still not sure what it really means. All I know is that it made me sadder and more confused than I was before, and I even laughed and cried a little at the same time, which I never do. It proved that my parents hid even more from me than I’d previously suspected. It showed me that Sarah really was a stranger.

Most of all, it taught me that what I’ve always taken for granted about my family—that however screwed up we may be, however many secrets we may keep, at least we don’t lie to each other—isn’t true.

But there’s no point in trying to describe it. It’s one of those things you have to read for yourself.

Emma stopped by the next morning on her way to her new job. I was still in bed. She’d actually dressed for work. Well, not formally or anything—she
was
going to volunteer at a homeless shelter—but the jeans were new and she’d put her hair in pigtails. She stood in the doorway, smirking as if she had a secret, while I scrambled for the pair of corduroys and T-shirt lying on the floor. I decided it was going to be one of those wear-what-I-wore-yesterday days. I foresaw a lot of those days in the near future.

“I have something for you,” she said. “Consider it an apology for hanging up on you yesterday.” She reached into her knapsack and handed me a CD.

I was still annoyed with her, or I wanted to be, but I couldn’t
help but smile. The case was labeled
Hen Birnbaum’s Super-Awesome 90s Nostalgia Mix!!!
in felt-tip pen. She’d dotted all the i’s and exclamation points with hearts. The song list looked as if it was taken directly from some terrible mail-order compilation CD (“Not available in any store! To use credit card, call…”). “The Love Theme from
Titanic
,” by Celine Dion kicked it off. It got progressively more awful from there, with bands and songs I’d barely heard of: “I’m Too Sexy,” by Right Said Fred, “Mo’ Murda,” by Bone Thugs-n-Harmony…For some reason, little stars were drawn next to “The Macarena” and Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.” There were also a couple of selections meant as jabs: “Cowboy” and “Devil Without a Cause” by Kid Rock. I’d once made the mistake of telling Emma that I liked Kid Rock, which prompted her to make the universal sign for barfing. By including his songs in this mix, she was reminding me that I had no taste; every song was of equal merit.

“I also left a couple of apologies on your phone,” she said. “I think I might have clogged your voice mail.”

“Thanks, Emma,” I said. I placed the CD on top of my bureau, right beside the joke of a stereo I owned. “But isn’t that
Titanic
song called ‘My Heart Will Go On’?”

“Yeah, but that’s not the song I put on there. It’s the actual soundtrack score when Leonardo DiCaprio starts making out with Kate Winslet—you know, on the deck of the ship. No lyrics.”

I peered at the case. “Why are some of the songs starred?”

“Those are the ones you’ve danced to in public,” she said.

An embarrassing memory flashed through my mind: trying to teach Emma the dance moves to the macarena last Christmas break in the basement of some senior’s brownstone, one of the few big Franklin blowouts we’d talked ourselves into attending.

“How long did it take you to make this?” I asked.

“Not very,” she said. “I did it in my dad’s office last night. Now, remember, when you listen to this mix thirty years from now, you’ll have a perfect little snapshot of this crucial moment in your life. Scientific studies prove that music is a great stimulus for triggering memories. It’s true; I saw a documentary about the brain on PBS. It’s the second-best stimulus, in fact—right behind odors.” She tapped her chin absently. “I tried to capture my own breath in a Snapple bottle, but it was harder than I thought.”

“I thought you said that this
wasn’t
a crucial moment in my life,” I reminded her.

“I’m not talking about being in Petra’s band,” she groaned. “I’m hoping you’ll come to your senses about that sooner or later. I mean, if you’re doing it to keep your mind off Sarah, I can understand…”

Emma kept talking, but I didn’t hear a word after that.

Instead, I heard: “
That morning, Henry ‘Hen’ Birnbaum’s head was in an understandably dark place. He was back in the band, but solving the mystery of his older sister’s disappearance weighed on him more heavily than ever. He found himself faced with two pressing questions. Would he return his bass teacher’s
stolen manuscript? And if so, would he do it in secret?” (Dramatic pause) “When he was thirteen, Hen read the unauthorized children’s biography of Kurt Cobain
: Kurt Cobain (They Died Too Young).
Cobain was no stranger to petty theft….”

The man speaking was Jim Forbes, the narrator of
Behind the Music
. At some point yesterday, without warning, he had popped into my head to provide moving commentary on my life. I couldn’t get rid of him. Last night at dinner, in fact, his soulful drone allowed me to completely block out whatever Sarah and my parents were blabbering about. (Which brand of mulch was best for the garden? Something like that.) But I didn’t mind. I figured it was natural, given the hours I’d spent watching
Behind the Music
reruns—coupled with the newfound certainty, thanks to Emma, that every vital moment of my existence would someday be chronicled in documentary form.

It was all very clear now.

Yes. If everybody else in my life could inhabit a fantasy world that they somehow willed into reality, then I could, too. I
would
be a professional musician. Just like Dad wanted. More important, I would be a rock star. Duh. Of
course
I would be a rock star. And being a rock star would dazzle my family so much that they would spill the beans about Sarah’s absence and return, because people always tend to lose their inhibitions and act stupid around famous people. It’s a fact. Best of all, this horrible secret that they couldn’t share with me, that Gabriel couldn’t even
write
about—whatever it was—would seem laughably trivial by comparison. We’d all be a lot happier, and
I’d buy them all yachts.

Seriously: How could the future turn out differently? I was back in the band, and Dawson’s Freak would be huge. I knew it. Even the stupid name was growing on me.

True, none of this was terribly original. Half the kids at Franklin wanted to be rock stars (all right, an overstatement). But I wasn’t worried. Their bands sucked. And their strategy was wrong. They played the same crappy clubs for the same dozen friends over and over—until even their own band members stopped showing up.

I was too smart to go that route. Having steeped myself in
Behind the Music
lore, I’d learned
the
two crucial lessons.

One: You needed a “thing.” And Dawson’s Freak had one. We were the world’s premier nineties nostalgia band. Grunge, rap rock, “The Love Theme from
Titanic
”—you name it, we would play it. Two: You needed a connection. We had one of those, too: Emma’s father. (He even represented Nada Surf, one of
the
big bands of the nineties.) For most of my life I’d known how Mr. Wood made a living, obviously—but only now did I recognize it as the springboard that would catapult me into the stratosphere.

It was wonderful, really. One day, I was a loser—confounded by secrets, with a batty family in danger of sending me over the edge—the next, I was a player, on my way to immortality. Sure, Dawson’s Freak had a couple of potential weaknesses. We
were
another power trio, one of maybe five hundred in New York City. Emma, in a bad mood, had once called PETRA “a bad Luscious Jackson rip-off, two decades too late.” But now
that was a selling point. Plus, we weren’t nearly as annoying as Luscious Jackson. Petra was hotter than any one of their now-grizzled members. Sounding like them could only
help
.

Potential problem number two: I was a below-average bassist. Gabriel’s lessons certainly wouldn’t help matters. They might even hurt. I could hold down the roots of the chords, and I had decent rhythm, but I didn’t have an ounce of flair. Every note was a Herculean task to get just right. Then again, Krist Novoselic of Nirvana didn’t have a lot of flair, either. And his best friend’s dad probably wasn’t an entertainment lawyer.

The other pieces were in place. There was our drummer, for starters. Bartholomew Savage looked like a young Justin Timberlake and played like John Bonham himself. He was also a computer whiz who boasted more homemade beats and clever mash ups than Dr. Dre. Plus, the ladies loved him. I’m talking older ladies. The one time we’d performed live, at a Franklin assembly, untouchable junior and senior hotties had checked him out (while ignoring me). But sex appeal was a bonus; with a name like Bartholomew Savage, he was destined to be famous, anyway.

And for a not-so-great guitarist, Petra
was
an incredible stage presence. Her songs were undeniably catchy, too. My favorite was her ode to the
STEAL YOUR PARENTS
’
MONEY
stickers, called “Ask Me Why I Stole It.”

Petra half sang, half rapped the lyrics, her usual MO. The riff was pretty much indistinguishable from Rage Against the Machine’s “Freedom”—but the tempo was slower and funkier and there was more wah-wah. It had a deeper groove, a real power to shake your booty. It would be our hit. All we had to do was record it and pass it along to Emma’s father. Then we would get signed. I figured the whole process would take about a month. (It didn’t take Fiona Apple much longer than that to get signed after a producer heard
her
demo; it’s true, you can watch the
Behind the Music
episode.) We’d definitely be signed before school started in the fall. Given the rigorous demands of recording our first album and placing “Ask Me Why I Stole It” in a Nike or Lexus commercial, I’d have to drop out no later than Christmas break.

And after that…well, the next forty years would be a string of delicious clichés. World tours and Wal-Mart in-stores. The record for most iTunes downloads. Drug busts in Japan. Meetings with the Dalai Lama. Guest voiceovers on
The Simpsons.
Orgies at the Plaza Hotel. Séances on Loch Ness. A brief stay at the Betty Ford clinic, followed by plastic surgery—whereupon I would emerge fit as a personal trainer, after I’d drunk four bottles of whiskey a day and snorted up 5.02 percent of Bolivia’s total cocaine export. (On second thought, maybe I’d skip the
drug phase. I’d have a sex addiction instead.) And, yes, later: the bitter breakup, the solo projects, the years of seclusion…then the reunion—a comeback worth zillions and capped off in 2036 by a tearful induction ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Oh, and somewhere in there, Petra and I would get married and divorced twice and still be the best of friends. By which point I wouldn’t even
care
why Sarah had run away. It would all be long forgotten, and she’d be a quiet, gray-haired shrew, tending the five-acre topiary garden I’d purchased for her on the outskirts of Paris.

In the end, I would be to nineties nostalgia bass playing what Keith Richards is to classic rock guitar. (Laugh all you want now, but watch me in an American Express Card ad campaign coming soon.) I remembered seeing Keith on an HBO special a few years back, jovial and swarthy—smiling as he played all of “Tumbling Dice” a half-step flat. Emma had been with me. She’d started cracking up, her hands mashed against her ears. The sound was so sour, so preposterous, that even the most die-hard Stones fans in the televised audience gazed at each other in disbelief, their faces shriveled like prunes. But Keith kept right on grinning. He jerked and danced and postured. Did he know how terrible he sounded? Did he care? Did it matter? No. Another fifty thousand worshippers would pack the stadium the next night, regardless of how he played. He was beyond criticism: a god.

And that would be me.

Somehow, it made standing there while Emma lectured me
about how stupid I was for rejoining Petra’s band all the more poignant.

“As it turned out, Hen didn’t have to worry about confessing to the crime of the stolen manuscript,”
Jim Forbes said.
“The FBI appeared that very day to haul Gabriel Stern away in chains. Hen was no stranger to lucky breaks. The soon-to-be legendary bassist was happy to bid both the lessons and teacher farewell. Years later, when Dawson’s Freak broke Michael Jackson’s record for most sales of a single album—”

“Hen!” Emma barked.

“What?”

“Are you even listening to me?”

I swallowed. I could feel myself blushing. “What?” I said again lamely.

“Never mind. Jeez.” She rolled her eyes and turned her back on me, then stomped down the stairs. “Oh, and by the way? You’re welcome.”

So, okay: The FBI didn’t appear to haul Gabriel away in chains that day. He called me at around 10:30 to apologize for the half-assed bass lesson yesterday. He also said he had a plan now. Actually, the word he used was “curriculum.” When I laughed, he did, too—but, as always, I couldn’t tell if he were joking or not because his tone was unreadable. He’d snuck out and purchased a laptop so he could download songs we could both play along to. We could even download bass instruction videos if we wanted.

“We’ll break the lesson down into segments,” he told me. “Fifteen minutes of warm-up and scales, fifteen minutes of free-form jamming…that sort of thing.”

I made the mistake of telling him that I could use the structure. Because, yes, I, too, was in a nineties nostalgia band—and our first real gig was at the end of the month.

“No way!” he shouted so loudly that I winced.

I sort of had the feeling he was going a little stir-crazy. It was hard to get him off the phone. He took the news of my gig as a cue to start rambling on and on about the dive bar gigs
he’d
had at Columbia. (They were all catastrophes, attended by no one but Sarah.) I stood at my bedroom window, staring down at Sarah in the garden, debating whether or not to surreptitiously spit on her or yell, “Wash your clothes! You stink!”

Finally at about 10:45, I cleared my throat.

“Hey, Gabriel, I should probably go,” I said. “I told my parents I’d look for a job.” It wasn’t entirely true, but it wasn’t an outright lie, either.