Friends Wanting Benefits (19 page)

At the Anchor Bar, Jillian sat on a stool pounding a gin and tonic. The piano player belted out his beautiful interpretation of Delilah as Jillian ordered her second drink. The room was filled with mostly couples, along with a few larger groups, but nearly everyone it seemed was paired off with the love of their lives. All except, of course, the best-selling romance novelist who could certainly write a stunning happily ever after, but for the life of her couldn't figure out how to manufacture one on her own.

Victoria and Ethan entered the room and waited while the singer wrapped up his song. Spotting her friend at the crowded bar, Victoria flitted over to Jillian and placed her hands on her shoulders. "Peter is really great isn't he?"

"Oh, Victoria." Jillian spun around in her seat. "Who?"

"The piano player."

"Oh, yeah, he's good." Jillian replied half-heartedly.

"What's wrong?"

"You saw it didn't you?"

"Saw what?"

Peter started playing another song and Victoria said, "Hold on a second." She looked around the bar and spotted Ethan near the back of the room waving her over. "He found a table. Join us."

Jillian nodded and rose up out of her chair. The two women tiptoed past the piano and Victoria made eye contact with Peter as she tossed a twenty dollar bill in his giant tip glass. He winked at her and belted out the next verse as they made their way to join Ethan.

"Where's George?" Victoria asked.

"I don't know— the casino probably."

"What's going on?"

"You really didn't see the show?"

"Crap!" Victoria cringed as she looked toward Ethan.

"Oh shit, we were supposed to go to that Love and Marriage game and watch them." Ethan shook his head.

"Sorry."

"Practically everyone on the ship was there." Jillian took a sip of her drink. "What the hell were you two doing?"

Victoria gave her a naughty smile as Ethan curled his lip holding back a grin.

After scoffing, Jillian gave them a disgusted look. "Really?"

"I went back to the cabin to meet up with him after we spoke to the captain and he had his shirt off."

"Uh-huh, yeah."

Victoria shrugged. "Well, then his pants came off and—"

"I get the picture," Jillian grumbled.

The waitress appeared next to their table. "Can I get anyone anything?"

Jillian held up her drink. "Another gin and tonic please."

"Heineken," Victoria said.

"I'll have the same." Ethan nodded.

The waitress headed away and Jillian sighed. "Didn't you guys already do it today? Wait, you did. I walked in on you or was that the other day."

"No, that was today," Victoria confirmed, casually.

"Why do I feel like I'm the only person onboard not having sex?"

Victoria surreptitiously directed Jillian's attention to a circular booth across from them. "You feel that way because you are."

Jillian took a look at the couple, who must have been in their eighties, as they snuggled up and pawed at one another. "Great."

"I wonder if she takes her teeth out when she blows him." Looking to Jillian for the answer, Victoria widened her eyes.

"What?" Jillian looked at her dumbfounded.

"I mean, she looks like she might be old enough to be missing her teeth and the way she's all over him, you can tell that she looks like she, you know, really could give some good, enthusiastic head."

"No, I don't know." Jillian wrinkled her nose and downed the rest of her drink.

"Ethan, back me up here."

He took a close look at the gray haired woman and nodded. "Yeah, it looks like she would be into it."

"See."

The waitress dropped off their drinks and they all took a sip.

Jillian sighed. "So you can tell just by looking at a couple whether or not they have a good sex life?"

"I mean, it's not an exact science, but I'll bet I'd be right ninety percent of the time." Victoria smiled proudly as she scanned the crowd. "See that woman in the blue dress to your right?"

Jillian glanced over to the uppity looking woman sitting about two feet away from her husband in a booth. Her hands were folded across her lap and a nearly full glass of white wine sat on the small table before her.

"I'll bet she's never once had one in her mouth." Victoria nodded, frowning.

"You can't know that." Jillian scoffed then took a big sip from her drink.

"Oh, I know." Victoria nodded confidently. "Look at the untouched wine. She's probably scared she might drink too much and lose herself. I would guess they maybe have sex once or twice a month and it's always lights out and missionary."

"What about me." Jillian sat up a little straighter in her seat.

Tapping her chin, Victoria gave her a hesitant look. "You want me to be honest?"

"Yes."

"Well, I think you're a lights on, but maybe a different position kind of gal." She narrowed her eyes. "I'd say you go down on your man once or twice a month and you're good for some fun maybe… I'm guessing once a week."

Jillian shifted uncomfortably in her seat and shook her head. "I, um—"

"You're probably the type who secretly slips upstairs in the middle of the day hoping he'll notice and make a move."

Jillian's jaw dropped then she recovered quickly and tipped back her drink.

"I'm pretty close right?"

"No. No, you're not." Jillian shot her a snotty look.

"Okay, what did I miss?"

"Um, we, uh…" Jillian closed her eyes, "… we only do it maybe every... Other week."

"And the blow jobs?"

"Okay, you're right." Jillian sighed. "Yes, once a month."

"You see." Victoria nodded smugly.

"Wow, you are good at this," Ethan said.

"It's one of my many talents." Victoria flashed Ethan a smile then returned her attention to Jillian. "Look, sex isn't the only thing in a relationship, but it's pretty damn important. Without it you've got a huge mountain to climb. It's really the cornerstone of most truly close and strong marriages. And to succeed you've got to embrace the penis. You've got to worship it and give it the attention it demands and the man he's attached to will pay you back tenfold with love and attention…" Victoria shrugged, "… and if not at least maybe you'll have some fun until you can find a man who is worthy of your affection."

Ethan began, "I think you're wrong. You actually need to—"

"Oh, he doesn't know." Victoria flipped her hand at him dismissively. "I'm like what— the fifth woman you've slept with?"

"Forth," he replied sheepishly then took a sip from his beer.

"You see." Victoria scowled.

"This trip has been a disaster." Jillian exhaled deeply before sipping from her drink.

"So what happened at the game?" Victoria asked.

"We sucked… That's what happened. We've been married nineteen years and it was like he didn't know me at all. He didn't remember our first date, the last movie we saw together and when they had us describe our sex life..." She shuddered. "It was like... like, we were on completely different pages."

"Sounds like you guys need to talk more, oh, and actually do it a bunch more."

"I guess." Jillian shrugged. After brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear, she chuckled. "And get this— the last question was 'what is the strangest place you ever made whoopee?'"

"Yeah?"

"George said..." Jillian made a face, "…
the butt
."

"He didn't." Victoria giggled.

Ethan burst into laughter.

"He did... In front of about a thousand people."

"Wow… I take it they were going for something more along the lines of an airplane bathroom or the like inside a storage container and…" Victoria's words trailed off as she stared out the window to the night sky wearing a peaceful smile.

"A storage container?" Jillian cringed. "Are you speaking from personal experience?"

"Yeah, that was a fun night," Victoria added shaking her head. "Wooo..."

Jillian looked to Ethan and he widened his eyes confused before putting his hands up as if to say, 'don't look at me'.

Victoria returned to them and smiled. "Too bad the steam room didn't pan out. You could have both used that as an answer."

"Yeah." Jillian frowned. "But my drunk idiot husband still would have said butt in front of the entire ship."

Victoria smiled. "Well at least that's good news."

"What?"

"That you guys have enjoyed a little backdoor."

"Well..." Jillian shook her head, frowning, "... not exactly."

"What does that mean, not exactly? Either you have or you haven't."

Jillian slammed back the rest of her drink then asked, "You guys want another? I'm buying."

"Sure."

"So not exactly..." Victoria looked at her, waiting. "What—"

"Hold on." Jillian finally got the waitress attention.

Victoria and Ethan shared a look as the waitress stopped over and picked up Jillian's cruise pass card. "Two Heinekens and another gin and tonic."

"Okay, so there was this one time like five years ago where we were in bed in the spoon position with him behind me and, um, he was rubbing it..." Jillian frowned, "... in that general area and pushing and struggling. You know, trying."

"Yeah. What happened?" Victoria leaned forward in her seat.

"Well, he didn't end up
there
he ended up, you know, in the normal..." making a face, Jillian motioned with her hand back in forth, "... place, but I was going through one of those lady things where I was so dry that I think he thought that we were, you know..."

"Oh." Victoria rolled her eyes, disappointed. "But how do you know that he thought you were... ?"

"Because in the midst of it all, he said, um, your..." After glancing to Ethan, Jillian looked away shyly then whispered, "A. S. S. is so tight."

Victoria cringed. "Wait, did you really just spell that?"

"I did," Jillian replied weakly.

"Okay, we'll delve into that whole issue later…" Placing her hand to her forehead, Victoria sighed. "Okay, so he said your…" she made a face, "…
ass
is so tight and you didn't correct him?"

"What the hell was I going to say?" She shrugged. "Um, no honey, you're not where you think you are."

"So basically you FBD'd him." Victoria shot her a disappointed look.

"I what?" Jillian asked, dumbfounded.

"FBD…
Fake backdoored
him."

"There's actually a name for it?" Jillian recoiled in horror.

"Yep."

"Huh… I guess I did." Jillian shrugged.

"Well, it seems kinda wrong to let him believe that when he didn't—"

"Wait." Ethan chuckled then curled his lip.

"What is it?" Victoria asked him.

"No, that's okay, I…" He burst into laughter.

"Tell us!"

"Okay, I think I have a better name for it." He held back a laugh. "She, um, she
Reverse M. Butterflied
him."

Victoria's eyes lit up. "Oh, yeah the story about the man who marries the Chinese opera singer who is really a man and he doesn't know...That's almost better than FBD."

The two jokesters shared a laugh as Jillian looked on wearing a scolding expression. "Are you guys done?"

"We think so," Victoria said as she and Ethan shared a knowing look.

"I really don't like you guys."

"Oh, come on we're fun, right?"

"Anyway…" Jillian grumbled, "… I just figured why ruin his fantasy. He thought we'd done it and he was happy, so why ruin it for him?"

"Okay." Victoria sighed. "So, you guys never tried that again?"

"Nooooo." Jillian shuddered.

The waitress returned with their drinks and Jillian signed the check. They all took sips then Jillian caught Victoria and Ethan sharing a sexy smile and said, "What?"

"Nothing."

The amorous pair shared a giggle.

"What is it?" Jillian sighed. "Don't tell me you guys do that."

"We did it today, in fact," Victoria announced proudly.

"I don't get it." Jillian crinkled her nose.

"Obviously." Victoria chuckled.

Jillian shot her a look. "No, I'm serious. What's everyone's fascination with
that
?"