Friggin Zombies (5 page)

“Well, I had to get my grandmother's dishes, and my Aunt Mary's bowl and picture and wash stand, it's antique you know, and then I can't leave my photos behind, and I've got. . . .” She droned on and on, just one long, never ending, migraine inducing sentence. I seriously thought about putting two in her head and driving away. If I hadn't been absolutely positive that it would have ended any chance I had of making it with Doctor Hottie, I would have.

Well, I would have left her anyway.

“Look, you can't take all this shit,” I settled for saying instead. “Didn't Connie tell you just the essentials? Clothes, weapons, food, personals. Books and stuff are cool, but. . .you won't need your grandmother's dishes if this happens. And if it doesn't you'll be back here in a few days at most. Now you need to go through all this and decide what
you've got to have
, and that's all that's making the trip! I don't have room for all this stuff in my truck anyway,” I finished.

“Oh, well, I figured we'd just make two trips!” Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly. So very easy. Just a quick draw, double tap, close the door. . . .

“I'm not making two trips,” I managed to reply calmly. “I have other stuff that needs doing today and I also need to be around the house since we're expecting a delivery. Two of them in fact. I'm making one trip and not planning on another one. I'm certainly not burning ten bucks worth of gas to come and get a wash stand, antique or not. Period.”

I swear, she looked like she was going to cry. Her bottom lip even trembled a bit. At this point, I admit it. I was starting to think that even my beautiful doctor was not worth this. And I assure you that Connie Kane was a woman I would have done damn near anything I was capable of to make a good impression on.

“But I need my things,” she almost moaned. “I can't leave them!”

“Yes, you can,” I assured her. “Look, we won't have room for all of this stuff anyway, once we've got everything else inside the house. You've got to prioritize, Rita. Clothes, toiletries, food, weapons, things like that. Things you will need to
survive
if all this comes to pass, understand? Your grandma's dishes and that other stuff will not help you when the shit hits the fan. And if it doesn't then you'll be back here surrounded by your things in a few days.” I paused, frustrated. I could tell by the look on her face that Rita wasn't getting it. And wasn't going to give in.

“Look around you,” I tried another track. “See all the stuff Connie left? She gets it. She only brought what she'll need if everything goes to hell in a grocery basket. You want pictures, bring a picture album with the most important ones. That's all you really need. You don't need dishes, you don't need bowls and pictures, you don't need
dolls
,” I pointed to the pile of dolls she had ready to go.

I mean, come
on
. The world is friggin' ending and she's packing
dolls
? Are you
shitting me
?

“That's the way it has to be,” I told her flatly, crossing my arms in front of me. I was through at that point. She either got it, or she didn't. I was suddenly very sorry that I had agreed to let Bubbly Red Rita come along. And that meant I might end up being sorry I'd asked the doctor, too.

What was I thinking? That's what ran through my mind for a split second. I could make it on my own. If I was being drug down by the Rita's of the world then I'd end up at the bottom of the food chain, no doubt about it. I wasn't going to let that happen. Damned if I was after all that work to try and get prepared for this.

“But. . .but my things!” Rita wailed, tears coming to her eyes. I shook my head and turned for the door.

“I need to be home soon,” I said over my shoulder. “I'm sorry you can't live in the real world with the rest of us, Rita, but I don't have the time to baby you either. You're welcome to come along but there's a limit, and this,” I waved my arm around to cover all that. . .
shit
, “is beyond it. Pare it down or you're on your own.”

“But Connie said I could come!”

And there it was. I had made a huge mistake and I probably couldn't undo it. I turned to look at her.

“I didn't say you couldn't come,” I told her flatly. “I said you can't bring everything you own. There isn't room, there isn't time. Leave what you don't need to survive here. If things don't go crazy, then it'll save you having to move it all back. If they do go nuts, you won't need them to get by.” I stood there looking at her. She tried the trembling lip again, but there was no way that was working on me. Tears either. Threats would be ne. . .

“I'll call Connie!” Rita all but screamed. That was the last straw for me, thanks.

“Go ahead and give her a call,” I told her, turning again. “I'm sure she'll be glad to come back and hide here with you instead of staying where she's safe and comfortable. See ya around, Rita. Nice meeting' ya.” Okay, that part was a lie, but even angry there's no reason we can't be civil, right? Common courtesy.

I half expected to get a call from Connie on the way home, but it never came. I'd see what she had to say about it later, I guessed. For now, I had work to do.

*****

I had just finished walking the fence making sure it was in good repair when Connie pulled into the drive followed by another car driven by, you guessed it, Rita. It only took one look to see that she was mad. A sudden irrational need to slap her upside the head overtook me and it was all I could do to fight it off. I had managed not to be mad about her scene earlier in the day but for some reason her pulling into my yard with that pissed off look set me right off.

Connie got out of her car and headed straight toward me. I braced myself, because I was not going to lose control of my home. Not even for her.

“I'm sorry,” she said when she got closer. I don't know what I had expected, but that wasn't on the list. “I swear, I had no idea she was so stupid. I really though she had a clue, Drake.”

“Is she straightened out now?” I asked, managing not to sound pissed off. I mean, hey, if Connie wasn't mad, then I wasn't mad, right? See how quick I can re-prioritize? I'm flexible that way. It's a gift.

“She only brought the essentials,” Connie nodded. “She's still sulking, but I made her see the sense in it. Honestly, if we hadn't already told her, I'd have left her,” she sighed. I took a long, adoring look at my absolute favorite doctor in the whole world at that. Which she promptly misunderstood.

“I shouldn't have said that,” she half apologized. “Sorry.”

“What? Oh, no, no. I. . .it just tickled me to hear you say that. The fact that she was your friend probably kept me from just shooting her, to be honest. Her voice may be the second most annoying sound I've ever heard in my life.”

“What in the name of all the world is the first?” Connie asked with a laugh.

“Fingernails on the chalk board,” I told her, and she shivered. Yeah, like you just did when I mentioned it. I know you did it. We all do. Well trust me, Bubbly Red Rita was almost just as bad. Seriously.

I watched for thirty minutes as the angry woman unpacked her car without asking for my help, shooting me an ugly glance every time she walked by. I refused to help unless she asked. I know, I know, it's petty. I'm shallow that way.

And it felt good, too.

She got the third bedroom. That room actually had a bunk bed in it, a full size bed on the bottom with a twin on top. Comes in handy when my friends and I would watch a game and drink a bit too much. The room wasn't quite as large as Connie's, but it was still pretty large, considering. It also didn't have it's own bath, but the hall bath was next door so it wasn't that much of an imposition. My own room had a large bath, complete with a sauna tub, separate shower, and separate toilet. What? I like my comfort. That's all.

Technically I had one more bedroom, but I used it as more of a large closet. Shelves along all the walls, tubs of gear stored along the bottom, that kind of stuff. My library was in there too. I had a fold up bed standing in one corner, but. . .it really wasn't up for occupancy except in an emergency.

I had put a lot of work into this place over the years I'd owned it. I'd gotten lucky with the house and I've never pretended otherwise. It was originally part of a small farm with right at two hundred acres. When I bought the place, I'd turned right around and sold the farm land apart from the two acres I'd kept for myself and used that to pay off the loan against the place. I didn't have money left over or anything but I was thrilled to have my place at what was essentially no charge. What would have gone toward paying for the mortgage was instead put into the house and property.

Anyway, Not So Bubbly Red Rita went into that third room. She was obviously not impressed with the accommodations, but. . .tough. She'd used all my patience already with her whiny ass attitude so I wasn't really feeling sympathetic. I was already planning to use her as bait the first time the zombies had us backed into a corner.

I know, I know. I'm going to hell for that one. Still, if it was choose between her and the doc, well. . .I'd shoot
myself
if I thought I had to spend the rest of my life with just Rita for company. Seriously, it was that bad.

I hoped that she might be one of those who would steady up if the shit hit the fan but there was no way to know until and unless the fan was actually hit. Until it did, I'd have to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Hence the plan in place to use her as zombie bait.

Stop judging me! You haven't had to sit in the same room with her while she lamented her damn dishes and wash stand and dolls and, and, and! I'm telling you, if you had to endure it, you'd have the same attitude I had. You cannot imagine. . . .

All right, enough about that. If you don't have the point by now, then I'm wasting my time. Moving on.

Anyway, that night Connie and I went over our loosely made plans checking our work, then checking behind each other. As far as we could tell we were okay, at least for now. I planned to clean and paint the cistern the next day and get it filled by the day after that. We'd have some water, if and when the utilities failed. Once I was finished, all I would have to do was check the gutter system to make sure we could switch it over once the water stopped.

I had plenty of filters for my filtration unit and the solar pump was in good shape. I didn't have a spare, but I did have enough PV equipment to replace it if I had to. Best I could do on short notice. I really wished we had a well, but two attempts to find water on the place had failed. I'm sure the farmer had suffered more than once for a lack of a well, but you can't put a well where there's no ground water.

If all else failed there was a creek behind my house right at the edge of my property. It usually had water. We could make the trek there to get water and then boil it to make it safe for drinking. Not the best option considering what we were preparing for, but like I said, last resort.

Otherwise we seemed to be on top of things. Connie had ordered some drugs she thought she'd need and had taken two suitcases full of bandages, supplies and equipment out of her office that afternoon. She'd do the same thing again that next day. She was trying to think ahead to what ever she might need and have that ready. Like I said, she was just as smart as she was good looking. And she was very good looking.

While we did this Rita was constantly droning in the background, whining about her room, her abandoned possessions, the necessity of being hunkered down in this 'miserable old farmhouse' and on and on and friggin' on. Once when I was probably about to explode, Connie reached under the table and squeezed my hand gently, and I relaxed. I looked at her, surprised, but she never looked up, just smiled slightly when she noticed me looking from the corner of her eye.

Busted again. Not that I cared. I couldn't be the only man who'd ever taken any possible opportunity to stare at her, know what I'm saying? The pressure of her knee against mine wasn't at all unpleasant, either.

I'll never know what made me think of gardening right then. Never will. There are a few ideas in my mind, but I'm not going to share them since they'll make me seem like all I had on my mind was Connie and. . .well, you think about it. It'll come to you.

Regardless, I suddenly realized that I hadn't picked up the least bit of seed, fertilizer, nothing. Be damn hard to plant a garden without them. I also realized I needed some heirloom seeds. I'd never bothered with them before because I really didn't have the extra time to set the seed aside and ready it for the next year's planting. That would have to change if this happened the way we were afraid it would.

Connie and I made a list of the seeds we'd most like to have, and I resolved to head into town again come morning and pick up all of them I could find, along with fertilizer. Realizing we had overlooked something so important made us start over on the lists, looking harder this time. We spent another hour trying to visualize anything that we might need, might have to make or repair, anything that could go wrong. We hadn't missed much, but what we had missed would matter.

Finally we were convinced we'd covered everything. I knew we hadn't and she probably did too, but there comes a point when you have to just stop for a while. It had been a long day already and we'd spent hours working over our plans. With red eyes we decided to stop for the night. Everyone was hungry, and Rita had been complaining about that for nearly an hour. Why she didn't just fix something I don't know. She was supposed to be a good cook.