Frisky Business (7 page)

‘I don’t want details, thank you very much. I just mean did he say anything to make you think he was trying to fulfil your Darth Vader fantasies?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like, “Can you feel the force, baby?”’ Danny boomed in a Vader-like voice. ‘“Get a load of my light sabre.”’ He collapsed in giggles.

Romy looked at him crossly.

‘Sorry, sorry,’ he said, trying to rein in his grin.

‘If you’re not going to take this seriously—’

‘I am, honest. Sorry.’ He reached out to her and pulled her against him, and she laid her head on his shoulder.

‘I just think he should know he has a child, whoever he is,’ she said. ‘And Luke should have a chance to know who his father is.’

‘Didn’t you get any glimpse of what he looked like? Did he leave his mask on the whole time you were …’ Lesley trailed off.

‘It was very dark
in the wardrobe,’ Romy answered evasively. She closed her eyes, concentrating. ‘He had good arms,’ she said, remembering the feel of muscle and sinew beneath warm skin, how strong his arms had felt wrapped around her. ‘He was slim, but well built – he had a broad chest.’

‘Right. So – someone with arms and a chest,’ Danny said. ‘We’ll have this cracked in no time.’

‘I know,’ Romy said despondently. ‘He could be anybody.’

‘There has to be some way of tracking him down,’ Lesley said briskly. ‘We just have to be more creative.’

‘How?’

Lesley was silent for a while, thinking. ‘We could hold a DNA party!’ she said finally.

‘A
what?’

‘A DNA party. We throw a party, right, and then we keep a glass or something that everyone’s touched, so we have their DNA. We’ll get a load of freezer bags and mark who each glass belongs to. Then we send them all to the lab—’

‘What lab?’

‘You know – the lab. The DNA testing lab. You’ve seen
Sea of Love
, right? They did that. They went on dates with all these women and—’

‘They were cops. They had access to a lab.’

‘Well, there are places that do DNA testing, aren’t there? What about all those skanks who don’t get on the telly? They must have somewhere to go to find out who the father of their baby is if they don’t get picked for
The Jeremy Kyle Show
.’

‘And what kind of skank would
I
look like, turning up at the baby-father clinic with a hundred-odd DNA samples? Even those ones on the telly usually have it narrowed down to three or four suspects. Anyway, I’m pretty sure you can’t collect people’s DNA without their permission.’

‘Well, maybe he’ll start to look like his father,’ Danny said.

‘Big shiny helmet?’ Romy said,
her lips twitching.

‘Big shiny helmet … mouth breather,’ Danny sniggered. ‘Seriously though, maybe he’ll turn into a dead ringer for someone we know.’

‘You know, sometimes he does almost remind me of someone. But I can’t put my finger on who.’

‘Mr Potato Head,’ Lesley said.

‘Sorry?’

‘Mr Potato Head – that’s who he reminds you of. I’ve often thought that myself.’

‘My son does
not
look like Mr Potato Head.’

‘Hey, calm down. I’m talking about if you do the button nose and don’t use the moustache.’

‘He still doesn’t look like Mr Potato Head, okay? Anyway, this guy was too tall for Mr Potato Head.
Way
too tall, and less … potatoey.’

Lesley sighed heavily. ‘I guess we’re back to square one then.’

‘Maybe it’s just as well,’ Romy said. ‘I mean, what if I found him and he turned out to be an asshole?’

They were all silent for a moment, contemplating this.

‘Nah,’ Danny said finally. ‘Luke doesn’t have any asshole in him.’

‘I’ve an idea!’ Lesley gasped. ‘We could stage a re-enactment.’

‘What? Shove me into a cupboard with a masked stranger and see if it jogs anyone’s memory?’

‘No, silly! Although—’

‘Don’t even think about it.’

‘Okay, okay. What I meant was we should have a Hallowe’en party and invite all the people who were at David’s last year – or as many as we can.’

So, after she had sworn them
to secrecy about Darth Vader – threatening Danny with dismemberment if he told their mother – they had planned this party. She didn’t really believe it was going to work, but as she stood in front of the mirror putting on her make-up, she still felt a little shiver of anticipation at the possibility that Luke’s father could turn up. Her excitement was tinged with fear because, much as she wanted Luke to have the chance to know his father, there was a tiny part of her that was happy not knowing. She thought very fondly of her mysterious stranger – not just because he had given her Luke, but because she had turned a corner after that night with him. It had freed her somehow, healed her – as if when she told him her secret he had taken it from her and carried it off, taking all the burden and weight of it. She wasn’t normally a fanciful person, but sometimes she thought of him almost as an angel who had taken away her pain and given her instead her beloved son. There was a part of her that wanted to keep him in the realm of fantasy, afraid of discovering that her beautiful seraph had feet of clay or a heart of stone.

‘Okay, this is it,’ Romy said as she sat in the pre-party lull with Lesley and Danny. ‘Tonight is make or break. If I don’t find out who Luke’s father is at this party, I’m giving up the search.’

Lesley and Danny looked uncertain, but they nodded agreement.

‘Okay, you both know what you have to do?’ Romy asked.

‘If we see anyone who might have been at David’s party last year, we ask them pertinent questions,’ Lesley responded.

‘Such as?’

Lesley pulled a small ring-bound
notebook from her jeans pocket.

‘You wrote them down?’

‘I just made a few notes,’ Lesley said, flipping the notebook open. ‘Were you at David Kinsella’s Hallowe’en party last year?’ she read. ‘If yes, what costume did you wear? Where were you between the hours of ten p.m. and two a.m. on the night of October thirty-first?’

‘Right. You don’t have to make it sound quite so …
Columbo
, though.’

‘God, I love
Columbo
,’ Lesley said. ‘Always gets his man – or woman. At least in this case we know it’s a man.’

‘Yeah, that narrows it right down,’ Danny said dryly.

‘Just don’t make them feel like they’re being interrogated,’ Romy said to Lesley, who took a small pen from her back pocket.

‘Not … being … interrogated,’ she said as she wrote.

‘Um … you’re not going to take notes, are you? When you talk to people later,’ Romy asked.

‘Well, I thought it’d help – with the investigation, like.’

‘I told you, it’s not an investigation.’

‘God, I wish it
was
an investigation! That’d be brilliant, wouldn’t it? We could set up one of those incident rooms.’

‘Look, chances are there’ll be hardly anyone from David’s party here anyway. We don’t exactly mix in the same circles.’

‘And if we don’t find him tonight, we can set up an incident room.’

‘No, no incident room.’

‘Please,’ Lesley begged. ‘Just a small one? I’ll set it up in my house. You won’t even have to be involved.’

‘No,’ Romy said firmly. ‘Tonight is my last shot at finding out who he is. After this, I’m just going to put it behind me and get on with my life. I’ve been living in limbo for long enough.’

Lesley’s face fell
about half a mile. ‘You’re calling off the investigation? Just like that?’

‘I told you – there
is
no investigation. I’ve tried everything, but the trail’s gone cold. I need to move on.’

‘It’s like one of those cold cases – they get solved every day,’ Lesley persisted.

‘Lesley—’

‘And you haven’t tried everything. I think an incident room could really help. We just need to focus on the details, follow the trail … And there was the DNA testing,’ she said. ‘You haven’t tried that. And I’ve got lots more ideas. I was thinking if we could get our hands on one of those computer programmes that shows you what someone will look like when they’re older—’

‘Lesley, give her a break,’ Danny chided.

Lesley looked rebuked. ‘Sorry, babe,’ she said to Romy. ‘You’re right. You should move on. He’d probably turn out to be a gobshite anyway. You’re better off without him.’

‘Yeah, I’m just going to settle down to being a single mother, concentrate on Luke.’

‘Feck that!’ Lesley said. ‘You want to find yourself a nice man to love both you and Luke.’

Romy didn’t have time to argue as the doorbell rang, so she went to answer it. It was her tenants, all arriving in a clump. Glancing at the clock in the hall as they filed past, she saw that it was seven thirty on the dot, and she wondered if they had been waiting outside the door, timing their arrival to the second. May and Frank led the way, presenting Romy with a bottle of champagne and a tray of home-made muffins. They were followed by Sarah and Colm, the young couple from one of the basement flats, with Stefan, the gigantic Polish plumber from upstairs, bringing up the rear. He kissed her on both cheeks and pressed a bottle of vodka into her hands before
heading straight for the table where she had laid out nibbles. Romy started handing out drinks, and introduced everyone to Lesley and Danny.

‘Hi, May, how are you?’ Lesley already knew May. She had helped her set up her blog, where she was currently writing about her and Frank’s experiences working through a popular sex manual as an elderly couple. They were methodically trying out all the positions, assessing their suitability for those with high blood pressure, arthritis and prosthetic joints, and working out adjustments that could be made to accommodate the less agile. A one-time agony aunt and sex therapist, May was still regarded as a bit of an authority on the subject, and Lesley was now building her a website devoted to all aspects of sexuality. ‘Still working through the dirty book with yer man?’ she asked, nodding to Frank, who was chatting to Stefan.

‘Yes, we had a very good day today,’ May said, beaming. ‘We got through three new positions, so I’ve lots to blog about. And I still had time to make muffins for Romy’s party.’

‘Fair play!’ Lesley made a mental note to give the muffins a wide berth. ‘It’s important to have a hobby when you’re retired, isn’t it? My dad retired recently and he’s driving my ma mental. She keeps trying to get him to take up golf, but no dice.’

‘Well, golf’s not very stimulating, in fairness to the man. No wonder men are terrified of retiring if that’s all they have to look forward to. You should direct him to my blog. It might give him some ideas.’

‘Oh, I don’t think sex is really my dad’s cup of tea. He’d be more of an Airfix person really.’

‘Of course it is! He’s a man, isn’t he?’

‘Well … I suppose – for want of a better word.’

‘We’re all sexual beings, Lesley. It’s part of the human
condition. You know, it’s the thing most people say they regret in life – not having had more sex.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. That’s why I’m so keen to set up this website. It’s so important to explore your sexuality to the full. I hope you’re exploring your sexuality, dear?’