From Comfortable Distances (7 page)

“So you think that
surprising her with a house is the best plan of action?” Tess said. She was
stopped at a red light. Kyle, beside her, was scanning his blackberry. He shook
his head at whatever he was reading before he surfaced again.

“Absolutely. She’s the
one who wanted to move out of the city in the first place. After 9/11, she said
she was done with the city. That’s what led me to look at places outside of the
city.”

“Kyle, 9/11 was two years
ago at this point and she is still living in the city.”

“And your point is?”

“I think it’s wonderful
how much you want this to all work—I mean finding a dream house for the two of
you, but I don’t think that surprising her with the brownstone is the best plan
of action for you right now.”

            Kyle put down his blackberry and
watched Tess. She was driving up and down Montague and Hicks Street in Brooklyn
Heights, looking for a parking spot.

“Aren’t you supposed to
be coaxing me to buy the property?” he said.

“I only coax people if I
think they’re doing the right thing.”

“Look, you called, told
me that you had another offer, and I dropped everything to meet you to see the
brownstone again. Right? Isn’t that what happened? But now you’re telling me
that you don’t think I should buy it?”

“I called you because I
gave you my word that I’d call you when I had another offer, which I do. And
it’s a good offer, but I wanted to play fair and let you know. You’re the one
who wanted to come here to see it again—that was your request.”

“I saw how you were when
Dale was around the other night,” he said.

She imagined that Dale
hadn’t mentioned their meeting up at the yoga studio. A car was beeping her;
she started to move again.

“I know you may think
she’s a bitch, but she’s not,” he said.

“Trust me, I wouldn’t be
marrying her if she was, and between us, Dale doesn’t always know what she
wants. Last year she didn’t even want to get married. We had a matter of fact
talk one night at dinner and she told me that she didn’t really see the point
of getting married. That if you loved someone, that was enough— marriage, the
whole concept of it, seemed ridiculous. But then I asked her to get married a
few months later and she accepted.”

Tess stopped again and
faced him. “Did you not believe what she told you about marriage?”

“Dale’s a walking
contradiction. She’ll be the first to tell you that.”

“So you’re saying that
you think she really wants the brownstone and expects you to buy it?”

“I don’t know what I’m
saying,” Kyle said and Tess laughed.  He was endearing—that was the single most
quality to him that reminded her of her son. No matter how much Prakash thought
he had it figured out, he was always the first to admit that he didn’t have all
the answers.

Her phone was ringing.
She glanced over and saw that it was her mother.

“Don’t not answer on
account of me. It may be my competition for the brownstone,” Kyle said.

“It’s my mother, Kyle,
not your competition; it will be too long a conversation for right now.”

‘There,” Kyle said. “A
spot. That guy is pulling out right in front of the brownstone.”

The brownstone was
painted a deep terra cotta with eight steps leading up to the front door, a
wrought iron scrolled railing and matching screen door. Beside the screen door
there were two flower boxes on each side filled with cacti. It looked out of
place on the block—like it belonged in New Mexico with its Aztec design. She
imagined all the comings and goings up and down those steps, opening the front
door each day, pulling it closed. There was something to the threshold of a
house that held her interest: walking into one’s separate universe, walking out
into the world.

Sitting alongside Kyle in
her car, she nodded at the brownstone. “It’s lovely,” she said.

“You think we should stay
in New York.”

“I didn’t say that. I
happen to think change is good—and making a change together is even better. But
I think you should act as a couple,” Tess said.

“What if only one person
in the relationship is good at making decisions?”

“You try to find out why
the other person is having a hard time making a decision. Listen to what she
has to say, and if that doesn’t work, a pros and cons list does the trick
sometimes.”

“Isn’t there usually one
decision maker in every relationship?”

“If it’s a dictatorship,
sure,” Tess said.

“Were you ever married?”

“More times than I care
to admit, Kyle.”

“So that’s what this is
about.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that you’re
cynical about the marriage stuff and think that if there’s a chance we may end
up divorced, why bother making such a big investment,” Kyle said.

“Thanks for the
psychoanalysis, Kyle, but I’m sorry to say that’s far from the truth.”

“Then what’s the truth?”

“The truth is that most
of the time I was married, I acted as if I wasn’t. I did what I wanted, when I
wanted, and basically didn’t have much regard for my husbands. I was more
outside of my relationships than I was in them and it was my own doing, because
I never let my husband’s into my life. It starts with your making one decision
on your own and then it somehow becomes routine, until one day you’ll start
wondering why you even need this other person in your life, because the truth
is, you’re just fine being married to yourself. And don’t ask me why I’m
telling you this because I don’t tell my stuff to clients.”

She took the car keys out
of the ignition. “Shall we go inside?”

“You’re right. We can
stay in the city for the next year at least. Take it from there. I can find us
a bigger place to rent on the Upper East Side and then after a year, we can
figure it out together.”

“So you want to leave?
Are you sure?”

Kyle nodded. “I’m sorry,
Tess—”

She put her car keys back
in the ignition and smiled at him.

“No problem,” Tess said.

“I didn’t mean to waste
your time,” he said.

“It’s fine,” Tess said,
her voice devoid of expression.

This was why she didn’t
let herself get personally involved with clients’ decisions. It led to drama,
and in the scope of her life, in which she viewed time as a precious commodity,
drama ate up minutes and hours, which once gone, she couldn’t get back.

“Can I ask you a
question?” Kyle said once they were moving back towards New York City. “What
led you to divorce?”

“That’s like asking me
what’s
the meaning of life
, Kyle.”

“Right, but I’m asking
you to tell me, based on your experiences, what were the shortcomings of
marriage?”

“Every relationship has
its own ingredients, Kyle. What made my relationships fail isn’t universal.
Tons of relationships do work, and to be honest, if you ask my ex’s, they may
tell you that our relationship did work until I lost it and decided I wanted a
divorce.”

“You just woke up one day
and decided you wanted a divorce?”

Tess coasted into the
center lane. 4:00 pm. So far, so good—she hadn’t hit traffic.

“I hate to intrude
reality on the counseling session, but where would you like me to drop you off?”

“Back at my office is
fine.”

“Look, Kyle. You’re a
good kid. Probably a better kid than I gave you credit for being when I first
met you.”

“That’s comforting.”

“You’re office is off of
Duane Street, right?”

Kyle nodded. “Yes.”

“I wish I could sit and
talk to you about marriage and divorce, Kyle, but the truth is, my stuff is
reflective of my life. And to answer your question, no, I didn’t wake up one
day and decide I wanted to get a divorce. It was an accumulation of everything.
More like, I woke up every day for some time knowing that it was time for me to
move on alone, and then one day I woke up and asked myself what the day was
going to feel like when I finally shared what was going on inside of me with my
husband.”

“I don’t want to get
divorced,” Kyle said.

Tess inched to a stop at
the corner, before the traffic moved forward again. She felt Kyle’s eyes on
her.

“I don’t think anyone
ever wants to get divorced, Kyle. People change, though. And that’s okay, too.
It’s part of life. As quickly as you grow with someone, you can grow apart from
them. It happens sometimes. I will say this—divorce isn’t always a bad thing.
Each time I walked out of a relationship, I grew a little bit more. Not that
I’m advocating divorce; all I’m saying is that it’s okay if you grow apart from
a person. It’s real. It happens.”

“Right here,” Kyle said. “My
office.” Tess pulled to the curb in front of the building to her right.

“Talk to Dale.
Communicate. Don’t let things like buying a brownstone create a barrier between
you two.”

 “For a long time I felt
like a team with her, but lately. I don’t know.”

“Ask her what’s going on,”
Tess said. “It’s amazing what people will tell you if you ask them.”

 “You’re real, Tess. When
you step out of your salesperson mode, you’re real.”

“Thanks. I think,” Tess
said.

“So I guess this is
goodbye for now. Of course once I tell Dale that let the brownstone go, one
never knows if she’ll decide she wants to live there.”

“I’ll wait to get your
confirmation tomorrow morning that you’re officially out of the running for the
brownstone.”

“You’re great,” Kyle
said.

“Good bye, Kyle,” Tess
said.

He slammed the car door
shut and in a moment, his charcoal gray suit was lost in the crowd. She had a
fleeting urge to run after him and tell him something; only she wasn’t sure
what it was she would tell him. To marry her? To let her go?

Tess hit play on her
voicemail and then she was driving again, making her way back to Brooklyn, back
to her life. “Contesta, it’s your Mother. I was thinking of you my dear. Please
do call me when you have a moment.”

Her mother picked up on
the third ring.

“My darling,” she said.

“Mom.”

“You don’t sound like
yourself, dear. What’s wrong?”

“Did you ever make bad
decisions, Mom?” Tess asked.

Her mother chuckled. “Of
course. We all make bad decisions sometimes, but the good thing about life is
that we often have a chance to redeem ourselves by making better decisions.”

“Sometimes I feel like my
life doesn’t make sense,” she said.

“No one’s life makes
sense, Tess. We just have to live and accept what happens and try to have a
good time and be good to others and find our way and let others find their way.”

“You make it sound so
easy.”

“My dear, it’s not easy.
What happened? What brought you down?”

“Oh, it will pass. A
client.  He’s young, in love, trying to make a relationship work. Makes me
wonder what the point of it all is – relationships, buying houses, moving in,
divorces. It seems like more of a mess than it’s worth.”

“Just because marriage
may not have always worked out how you wanted it to, it doesn’t mean it will be
that way for this client. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way for you,
Tess.”

“I know. I met his fiancé
last week with him and there was something in her expression, or her tone;
something, that I recognized.”

“It’s not your job to
save anyone, Tess.”

“Yes. Tell me how you
are. What you’re doing today?”

“I’m out planting. What a
glorious month April is. The garden is coming to life.”

Tess smiled, the slant of
sun penetrating her window warming her. In this safety, this warmth, she wished
that her mother would be here forever, that she would always have her to call,
but there were moments, such as now, when the sun hid behind the clouds, that
she knew that there would come a time when her mother would be no more and an
unsettling feeling overcame her. There was so much she had yet to cover with
her mom, and yet something held her back. Shyness, fear. She didn’t know which,
or if it were both, or where it came from, and it confused her.

“I’ve taken a few yoga
classes,” she said. She had wanted to tell her mother after her first class,
but had waited. She didn’t want her mother to think back to those teenage
years, when Tess had fought her about yoga, refusing after a while, to
practice.

By the way her mother’s
breath stilled, she could tell that her mother had put down whatever garden
tool she had been using. Tess imagined that she was kneeling now, on her shins,
fully listening. 

“That’s wonderful, Tess.
Did you enjoy them? Tell me, what was it like?”