From Now Until Infinity (2) (26 page)

My thoughts travel back to the party in college. It’s one example of Colin leading me into a situation that I wasn’t prepared for. Everyone knew me, and I knew no one. He compartmentalized his life. He didn’t share with me stories or talk about those people with me. He did the same thing to Sasha. I noticed at the dinner table during the Clay South event how blindsided Sasha was when someone mentioned Colin not playing golf. He hadn’t told her that he canceled because “something came up.”

If I’m being honest with myself, I can go all the way back to how our relationship began. Colin didn’t communicate that he liked me or that he wanted to date me. I spent six months wondering how he felt about me. I can’t just have hearts and flowers with Colin. I need to be his partner. I need to be trusted with his secrets.

I realize at about mile eight that what I’m asking Colin to do goes against every fiber in his body. However, what he’s asking of me goes against everything that I’ve known as my truths. By agreeing to a public relationship with Colin, I’m forgoing my chance at the starting quarterback position forever. Even after Colin retires from football, he’ll still be affiliated with Dallas. I might repair my reputation enough that professional athletes will seek me out, but I’ll never treat professional football players again.

I also realize that I’m okay with making that sacrifice if I get all of Colin in return.

After I’ve completed thirteen miles, I turn the treadmill down to a walking pace. My legs are aching, but I feel so much better mentally. I walk another mile before I turn off the treadmill and collect my belongings.

I head into my office and turn on my computer. I lean forward in my desk chair and type “Colin McKinney” into the Google search bar. I take a sip of water and wait for the results to pop up on my screen.

The first Web site that I click on is Wikipedia. Colin McKinney’s career is highlighted in detail starting with his high school football statistics. His career at Texas A&M is also featured year by year. When, I get to his professional career, I start skimming. There are multiple paragraphs on each year that he’s played professional ball. Then, I see what I’m looking for. It’s the “Personal Life” section. Our relationship actually has two sentences. They read, “McKinney was publically linked with Charlie Collins. The media dubbed their relationship CharCol.” Next, are three sentences about his first marriage to Rebound Chick. There’s literally no more information other than the date that they married and when their divorce was finalized.

However, there are three paragraphs detailing Colin’s endorsement deals and the history of all of them.

There’s a section that fascinates me though. It’s Colin’s community involvement. He has a not-for-profit organization that promotes organ donation. I think back to the little boy, Colton, we met in the hospital in College Station. I knew that Colin was touched by his story of needing a heart transplant. I thought the kid was precious. He gave Colin tips on how to keep me happy. I wonder whatever happened to Colton. Wikipedia says that he holds an annual golf tournament every year to raise funds and promote the importance of organ donation.

I finish my water before heading home to Colin. I want to know more about him. It frustrates me that Wikipedia knows more about my man than I do. What I keep telling myself is that what’s important is that I know his heart, and his heart is mine.

I take a moment to look around my office before I leave. There’s a good chance that I’m not coming back. I run my hand over my desk and remember my first day that I actually saw real patients that made appointments to seek out my expertise. I spin around in my leather desk chair and look at my credenza. I giggle to myself because there’s nothing in the drawers. All our patient files are digital so I don’t need to put anything in its drawers. My dad insisted that I have it because he said that it made me look more knowledgeable.

I think back to the patients that have sat on my leather couch or in my club chairs. I remember some of my favorite patients that came to me very injured and left healthy again. Then, there are the patients that came to me thinking that they had a sports injury. It turned out to be so much worse, and how I had to break the news to them they needed an oncologist instead.

God, I love surgery days. I love being in control in the operating room. I love that I’m the one who uses the power tools to put broken bones back together. In the operating room, a nurse places all my tools in the order that I like them. The music that is piped in is my music. No one questions me. It’s my domain, and it’s perfect. The operating room is the only place that I’m in complete control of everything.

I love being a doctor. I’m paid well to do a job that I’d do for free. It’s my passion. Can I really walk away from my practice and patients? Can I leave Brad? Sure, Brad and I can remain friends, but he’s my constant. I see him every morning, Monday through Friday, and sometimes on the weekends. He’s the brother that I never had. He protects me and takes care of me professionally. I sometimes think that Brad knows me better than I know myself.

It’s very hard for me to stand up and walk out of my office not knowing what the future holds. Before I turn off my office light, I take one good look around and try to memorize every little detail about it. As I flip the switch, I whisper goodbye to my dream in case I never get to have it again.

Chapter Sixteen

THERE ARE no reporters in front of my house yet. Apparently, they must show up around six o’clock in the morning. Colin’s car is still there. I hope that means that he’s willing to open up to me. I choose to take it as a good sign as I pull my car into the garage.

I hang my keys on the hook and put my purse where it belongs. When I walk upstairs, I’m shocked by what I see. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach. All of Colin’s things are sitting by the front door.

Somehow I manage to keep it together as I walk into the kitchen to make my first cup of coffee. I vow not to say a word to him. If this is the choice that he’s made then I’m saving myself from even greater heartache down the road. I cannot be with someone who isn’t willing to share all of himself with me. I certainly can’t do a television interview with him and open our souls to be judged by the public. I feel resolved. But mostly, I feel hurt. Colin would rather keep his secrets than me. I thought that he loved me above all else, but he doesn’t. His love his selfish. He wants all of me, but he isn’t willing to give anything of himself. Sure, he might be willing to give up millions in endorsements, but that’s just money. He can make more. He’s not willing to give up himself which is a precious commodity.

My back is turned to the stairs when I hear him come down. I pour myself a little piece of salvation and take a sip. I can’t bear to turn around and see him. If I don’t see him leave then it really isn’t over. I continue to keep my back to him as I sip my coffee.

Then, my Colin sense kicks in. It’s the sense that I wish right now I could have surgically removed. I feel him getting closer to me, but he doesn’t touch me. His strong voice surprises me, “I’ll tell you, but I’ve already packed my things because you’re going to never speak to me again anyway.” Colin doesn’t have an ounce of emotion in his voice, and that scares me to death.

I pick up my coffee mug without turning to look at him and walk to my dining room table that still has melted candle wax on it scaring its wood. What a perfect analogy for my heart. I sit down knowing that this conversation is about to get very ugly. Colin grabs a water out of the refrigerator and joins me at the table.

I finally take the opportunity to look at him. He’s a broken man. The lines around his eyes make him look older than his thirty years. If companies could see the man that I’m looking at, the only endorsement deals that he would be offered would be for wrinkle cream and antidepressants. The Colin in front of me is the polar opposite of the Colin that I saw in the elevator after an eight year separation. I know that I look as haggard as him.
What in the hell have we done to each other in such a short period of time? Maybe Mark’s right. Maybe we are bad for each other.

I hope that this is the worst moment in our relationship and years from now, we can look back at these last few days as the days that we hit rock bottom. Because the reality is, we can’t keep doing this to each other.

I take his hand across the table and squeeze it. “Let me be the judge of whether or not I speak to you again. Thank you for trusting me.” I do my best to reassure him.

His voice is even and emotionless. “Just so you know. I’ve already called Mark and fired him. He violated my trust in the worst way, and I’ll never work with him again,” he states.

I begin trying to defend Mark. I had no idea that Colin would fire him, and I certainly never told Colin who told me about the near death experience.

Colin cuts me off, “I get it. Mark is concerned about me. Blah… Blah… Blah… In reality, he went behind my back and ruined the one relationship that I care the most about. Forget Mark.” Colin says with a swish of his hand.

I sit back in my chair and take a sip of coffee. I’ll add Mark to the casualty list of our explosive love affair. Apparently, we’re like a tornado destroying everything around us.

Colin takes a sip of his water and begins talking in the same emotionless tone. “You know that after I left you in College Station, I began drinking heavily. My life went to shit. I didn’t give a fuck about football, my family, or friends. The summer after your graduation from college, I was with Aiden one night drinking until I puked and listening to George Jones sing
He Stopped Loving Her Today
on repeat when Rachael called Aiden in a panic. Aiden tried to hide the details from me, but I overheard that you’d fainted in the middle of a run and were in the emergency room. Aiden jumped in the car to get to Rachael and ultimately you. I called your dad trying to get more information on where you were and how you were doing. Your dad told me that this was my fault and to forget that you ever existed.”

That must have been what Colin was referring to the other night when he accused my dad of keeping us apart. Just remembering that incident for Colin is so extremely painful that I long to hold him and comfort him. I’m angry at myself for making him relive it. I vow that if we get past this, that I’ll never make him speak of it again.

It was July before I left for Boston. I was running in a jogging suit in one hundred degree weather in Houston. In hindsight, it was a cry for help. At the time, I thought that I was hiding my eating disorder well by eating high calorie foods and drinking smoothies. I passed out on a residential street. One of the homeowners quickly found me and called an ambulance. I spent a week in the hospital suffering from dehydration and malnutrition. That’s when my dad found me the therapist in Boston who ultimately saved my life. I had been devastated that Colin didn’t check on me. At the time, I felt so betrayed - like our relationship meant nothing to him. It made me question if he really ever cared about me at all. Now, I know that he did, but my father pushed him away.

After another couple of sips of water, he continues. “Clay helped me find my way back to football that summer, but you being hospitalized and my feeling responsible for it pushed me over the edge. Then, your dad not letting me see you, and Aiden and Rachael whispering about you but refusing to give me updates did me in. One night, I drank so much that I ruptured a blood vessel in my stomach. I was puking blood during practice so they naturally took me to the hospital. That’s when I discovered my allergy to alcohol.”

I shake my head and squeeze Colin’s hand. “I had no idea, baby. Aiden and Rachael never told me.”

And to think that he drank liquor and poisoned himself to keep Sasha away from him at the Clay South dinner after he had that horrible experience
. It’s disturbing to me on many different levels. Going to the extreme of poisoning one’s self is messed up. I’ll table this for our/my appointment with Doctor Benson.

Colin gives me a sad smile. It’s the first time that I’ve seen any other emotion than broken and calm since he started speaking. “Aiden and Rachael were such good friends to us that it cost them their relationship.”

I don’t ask Colin to elaborate because I want him to stay focused on us, but I make a mental note to talk to Rachael about it. I was in such a bad place when they broke up that I never really got the story.

“So here I am. Fuckin’ miserable. My girl is so sick because of me that she has been hospitalized. My best friend lost his girl because of me, and now, I can’t even fucking drink to make my mind stop reeling and heart quit aching. One of the guys that I played with dabbled in drugs. Not a hardcore addict or anything, but we all knew that he could get whatever you wanted. I had him come to my house. I told him that I just needed something to make my mind stop for a little while. He told me to get the trainers to give my Percocet, Vicoden, or Oxycontin. So, the next day at practice, I complained about my ribs hurting, and I got my first bottle of Percocet.”

I motion for Colin to stop. I need a moment to absorb what he just revealed. A prescription drug user was not what I was expecting to hear come out of his mouth. I thought that he might’ve drank too much and drove. This must be what Mark meant when he said that Colin almost died. As a medical doctor, I’m very well aware of how dangerous prescription drug abuse is. My heart aches. “Not my Colin,” I keep repeating over and over in my head.

“Honey, that’s awful. How long did you use them?” I ask. I am assuming that he’s stopped because I haven’t even seen him take so much as an aspirin since we’ve been together.

“You wanted the story, Charlie. So you’re getting the story,” he says very composed. “They worked. When I took more prescription pain killers than I was prescribed, I didn’t think about you or how lonely my life was. I felt numb, and that was awesome. They were legal in the NFL so I didn’t have to worry about failing a drug test. There were doctors all over Dallas willing to give me prescriptions, and because I was a celebrity, they would even call them in in other people’s names. My football career didn’t suffer. In fact, I wasn’t thinking about you so I could focus more on the game. I didn’t feel pain so I could lift more weight. Before I knew it, I was modeling underwear, shoes, cologne, and clothes. I was posing almost naked with beautiful models who never told me no. I thought prescription painkillers were the second coming of Jesus Christ.”