Fudge-A-Mania

2 Pete and Farley 6

3 The Most Disgusting of Them All 14 4 The Worst News of the Century 22 5 Uncle Feather's Adventure 27

6 The Perfect Baby-Sitter 41

7 The Best News of the Century 50 8 Fudge-a-mania 58 9 Dizzy from Izzy 68 10 Green Gurgling Gas 79

11 The I.S.A.F. Club 94

12 Baby Feet 107

13 Captain Fudge 122

14 The Ring Bear 137

"I'm getting married tomorrow."

I looked up from my baseball cards. "Isn't this kind of sudden?" I asked, since Fudge is only five,

"No," he said.

"Well... who's the lucky bride?"

"Sheila Tubman," Fudge said.

I hit the floor, pretending to have fainted dead away. I did a good job of it because Fudge started shaking me and shouting, "Get up, Pete!"

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Then Tootsie, my sister, who's just a year and a half, danced around me singing, "Up, Pee... up."

Next, Mom was beside me saying, "Peter... what happened? Are you all right?"

"I told him I was getting married," Fudge said. "And he just fell over."

"I fell over when you told me
who
you were marrying," I said.

"Who are you marrying, Fudge?" Mom asked, as if we were seriously discussing his wedding.

"Sheila Tubman," Fudge said.

"Don't say that name around me," I told him, "or I'll faint again."

"Speaking of Sheila Tubman ..." Mom began.

But I didn't wait for her to finish. "You're making me feel very sick..." I warned.

"Really, Peter." Mom said. "Aren't you overdoing it?"

I clutched my stomach and moaned but Mom went right on talking. "Buzz Tubman is the one who told us about the house in Maine."

"
M-a-i-n-e
spells
Maine
," Fudge sang.

Mom looked at him but didn't even pause. "And this house is right next to the place they've rented for their vacation," she told me.

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"I'm missing something here," I said. "What house? What vacation?"

"Remember we decided to go away for a few weeks in August?"

"Yeah... so?"

"So we got a great deal on a house in Maine."

"And the Tubmans are going to be next door?" I couldn't believe this. "Sheila Tubman... next door... for two whole weeks?"

"Three," Mom said.

I fell back flat on the floor.

"He did it again, Mom!" Fudge said.

"He's just pretending," Mom told Fudge. "He's just being very silly."

"So I don't have to marry Sheila tomorrow," Fudge said. "I'll marry her in Maine."

"That makes more sense," Mom said. "In Maine you can have a nice wedding under the trees."

"Under the trees," Fudge said.

"Tees..." Tootsie said, throwing a handful of Gummi Bears in my face.

And that's how it all began.

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I kind of groaned and Dad looked at me. "What is it, Peter?"

"Sheila Tubman," I said.

"What about her?" Dad asked.

7

"We're getting married," Fudge said, his mouth full of chicken and taco shell.

"I'm not talking about your wedding," I said. "I'm talking about spending three weeks in Maine next door to the Tubmans."

"It won't be as bad as you think," Mom said.

"You don't know how bad I
think
it will be!"

"Sheila's older now. She's finished sixth grade, same as you."

"What's age got to do with it?" I said. "She'll still be the Queen of Cooties."

"What's
cooties?"
Fudge asked.

When I didn't answer he tugged on my sleeve.

"What's
cooties,
Pete?"

"Since when am I
Pete?"
I asked, shaking him off.

"Since today," he said.

"Well, I prefer Peter, if you don't mind."

"Pete is a better name for a big brother."

"And Farley is a better name for a little brother!" I figured that would shut him up since his real name is Farley Drexel Hatcher and he's ready to kill anybody who calls him that.

"Don't call me Farley!" he said. Then he really let go and yelled, "I'm
Fudge!"

The waiter, who heard him from across the room, came over to our table and said, "Sorry... we don't have any tonight. But we do have mud pie, which is almost the same thing."

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Dad had to explain that we weren't talking about dessert. And Mom added, "We never eat dessert until we've finished our main course."

"Oh," the waiter said.

But before he had a chance to get away, Fudge looked up at him and said, "Do you have cooties?"

"Cooties?" the waiter asked. "For dessert?" He looked confused. Especially when Tootsie banged her spoon against, the tray of her baby seat and sang, "Coo-tee... coo-tee..."

I could tell Fudge was about to ask the same question
again,
but before he had the chance I clamped my hand over his mouth. Then Dad told the waiter we didn't need anything else right now.

The waiter walked away shaking his head and I took my hand away from Fudge's mouth. As soon as I did, he was back in business, "What's
cooties?"
This time the people at the next table looked over at us.

"They're like nits," Mom told him, quietly.

"What's
nits?"
Fudge asked.

"Head lice," Dad said, almost in a whisper.

"Head mice?" Fudge asked.

"Not mice, Turkey Brain," I told him.
"Lice.
Little creepy, crawly bugs that live in hair." I snapped my fingernails at his head the way Sheila Tubman used to do to me.

9

Fudge yelled, "I don't want creepy, crawly bugs in my hair!"

Now everyone in the restaurant looked over at us.

"That's enough, Peter," Dad said.

"Well, he's the one who wanted to know."

"That's
enough,"
Mom said. It came out sounding like
eee-nuff
, which got Tootsie going.

"Eee-eee-eee-eee. " Tootsie shrieked, banging her spoon.

Dad got this really serious look on his face. "We don't have the money this year, Peter. We wouldn't be going away at all if it weren't for Grandma, who's paying more than her share."

"But if you want, you can bring a friend," Mom said.

"A friend?" I asked. "You mean like Jimmy Fargo?" They both nodded.

Jimmy is my best friend in New York. We've always wanted to spend the summer together.

"What about me?" Fudge asked. "Can I bring a friend, too?"

I held my breath.

"You'll find a friend in Maine," Mom told him.

"Suppose I don't?" Fudge asked.

10

"You're getting married," I reminded him.

"Does that mean I don't get a friend?" Fudge asked.

"Of course not," Mom told him. "I'm married and I have friends. Daddy's married and he has friends."

"What about Uncle Feather?" I said. Uncle Feather is Fudge's myna bird. "He's your friend, isn't he?"

"I can't play with Uncle Feather," Fudge said. "He's not that kind of friend. And I can't marry him either. If he was a girl bird it would be different."

"People don't marry birds," I told him. "Some people do."

"Name one," I said.

"The guy who's married to Big Bird on
Sesame Street
."

"Big Bird's not married," I said.

"That's how much you know!" Fudge shouted. He's learned to say that every time someone disagrees with him. It's a real conversation stopper.

"I give up!" I said, going back to my taco, which was getting soggy.

"Up," Tootsie repeated, holding out her arms.

"Up... up... up."

Dad lifted her out of the baby seat and she squirmed until he put her down. Then she took off, toddling through the restaurant, stopping at

11

every table. Fudge scrambled off his chair and ran after her. Eating out with my family is not exactly relaxing.

"Here, girl..." Fudge said, as if he were calling a dog. "Here's something just for you." He lured her back to our table and dropped some of his taco on her tray. "Yum..." he said to her. "Yum... yum... yum..."

Dad put Tootsie back into her seat. She stuffed the chicken pieces into her mouth.

"I always know what Tootsie wants," Fudge said. "That's why I'm her favorite brother."

"Tootsie doesn't have favorites," Mom told him. "She loves both her brothers."

"But she loves me best!" Fudge said. Then he looked at me and laughed. When he did, half the food in his mouth wound up on my shirt.

I called Jimmy Fargo as soon as we got home. I asked him to come to Maine with us.

"Three weeks next door to Sheila Tubman?"

"The houses are really far apart," I said. Nobody told me this but I was hoping it was true. "You won't even be able to see her house. There'll probably be a forest separating us."

When he didn't say anything I added, "And don't forget... Sheila's scared of dogs so we can get Turtle after her anytime she tries to give us trouble." Turtle is my dog. He's big enough

12

to look scary but he'd never hurt anybody. Lucky for us, Sheila doesn't know that.

Jimmy laughed. "Maybe I can come for a week."

"A week isn't long enough!"

"Hey, Peter... no offense... but a week with your family can feel like a long time."

That's because Jimmy's the only kid in his family. His parents are divorced. He lives with his father, Frank Fargo, who's a painter.

"How about two weeks?" I said.

"Is your brother bringing his bird?"

"Yeah... Uncle Feather's part of the family," I told him. "Same as Turtle."

"So it will be your mother, your father, Fudge, Tootsie, Turtle, Uncle Feather and you?"

"Right," I said. "And my grandmother's coming too."

"The one who taught you to stand on your head?"

"Yeah." Grandma Muriel is Mom's mother. She ran a gymnastics camp before she retired.

"You think she could teach me?" Jimmy asked.

"Maybe," I said.

"I'll talk to my father," Jimmy said. "I'll let you know tomorrow."

He called back the next morning. Mr. Fargo liked the idea of Maine. He liked it so much he

13

said he'd drive Jimmy up and camp out in the area himself.

"That's great!" I said. Maybe three weeks in Maine wouldn't be as bad as I'd thought.

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