Full Circle (30 page)

“I thought you’d already done that.”

Mark shook his head. “No. You don’t
understand.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Man, Rob, you
don’t know the half of it. I told her things I never even told you.
Stuff I never told
anybody
.”

Rob’s forehead crinkled. “I thought I knew
everything about that time in your life.”

“Well, there was some shit that I was too
ashamed to admit, even to you.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, man. I never
meant to keep you in the dark. I just didn’t want to talk about it,
let alone remember it.”

Rob shifted on his barstool and spun a peanut
with his fingers. It made a papery scraping sound like gears
grinding, only really quiet. “You don’t need to explain, Mark. I
get it. What you did tell me about—I mean, what I witnessed with my
own eyes—was pretty bad. And I’ve known you for-fucking-ever. Long
enough to know that if you’re carrying around shame about the other
shit you did, it had to be
really
bad. Shit that you’d
want
to forget.”

“Yeah, well, I told Karma. I had to.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want to move forward until
she knew the worst there was to know about me. I wanted to know I’d
told her everything. That way I could have a clean slate, no
secrets, nothing to hide. A totally fresh start.”

“Yeah, but it could have backfired. And for
you to be sitting here pissing into your pile of peanuts about how
you’re destroying everything tells me you’re thinking it has. So,
what’s going on? Tell me what you told her. Come clean with me so I
can help.”

“God, Rob.” He hung his head then glanced at
him sideways. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

After a couple of false starts, Mark finally
got going and slowly spilled his guts about his deviant past. Nina,
the sex clubs, the threesomes, the prostitute, the drugs. He
unloaded everything he’d told Karma all over again, this time to
his best friend.

Afterward, Rob sat in silence for a long
while then said, “Shit, Mark. I never knew.”

“No one did. No one but me knew how bad it
got.” He drained his water bottle. “I’m sorry. I should have told
you a long time ago.”

Rob perked up, shaking his head. “Hey, you
don’t owe me an apology. Like I said before, I get it. I totally
get it. Your head was fucked up back then.”

“Yeah, but you got me back on my feet.
Without you, I’m not sure I would have made it back. I owed
you.”

“You didn’t owe me anything. You’re my best
friend. We’ve shed blood together. Since we were kids, you’ve had
my back as much as I’ve had yours. You would have done the same
thing for me under similar circumstances.”

Mark grabbed another peanut. “Yeah, maybe.
But there’s more.” He rested his forearms on the bar as he pinched
the shell and split it open. “And this is where I might have
crossed the line with Karma.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I got off on some of that shit,
Rob.” He slung the broken peanut shell toward the trash can behind
the bar with more force than was necessary. “I liked some of it. As
fucked up as most of it was, some of that shit was hot.”

Rob didn’t say anything for a few seconds,
then, “And you told Karma that?”

He crunched into a peanut like he was biting
off the head of a tiny demon. “Yes. I told her. And I told her I
wanted to do those things with her.”

“And . . . how did she
respond?”

“That’s just it. At first, everything was
great. She seemed open to the idea. I thought I’d hit the
jackpot.”

“And now?”

“She hasn’t brought it up again.”

“Have you?”

“Once. Last night. Before dinner with her
parents.”

“And . . . ?”

“She seemed . . . I don’t
know . . . I thought things were going well, but
then we got into a huge argument, and she didn’t bring it back up,
even though we made up today.”

“And I take it you didn’t bring it back up,
either.”

“No.”

Rob cleared his throat and rested his arms on
the bar. “Okay, I don’t know exactly what type of sex acts we’re
talking about here, and I don’t want to know. That’s between you,
your god, and Karma. But maybe she’s still getting used to the
idea. You ever think of that?”

“Yeah, maybe.” He didn’t really think that
was the case, but what did he know? He was too caught up in the
thick of the situation to see clearly.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes,
eating peanuts, Rob sipping his water. Then Rob set his bottle down
in a way Mark had come to know meant he was about to get smacked
with a Rob-ism. One that would hit him right between the eyes.
Hard.

“Go ahead,” he said, glancing at Rob. “I know
you’ve got something on your mind.”

Rob sighed and bowed his head. A couple of
seconds later, he looked up and said, “Okay, I’m just going to put
this out there. Don’t get mad. Just hear me out.”

“Fine. Whatever. Just say it.”

“Did you ever stop to think you’re
subconsciously pushing her away?”

“What? Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re you, Mark. You spent six
years pushing away every woman you got involved with. You even
pushed Karma away. Which led to some fabulous stories we all
laughed over tonight, I might add, but that’s beside the point. The
point is, you pushed her away.”

“But that was before.”

“Do you really think it’s that easy to
change?”

“What are you saying? That I’m intentionally
pushing Karma away again without realizing it?”

“I don’t know, but it’s possible.” Rob sat
forward. “Think about it. Keeping women at arm’s length became a
way of life for you after Carol. Then you met Karma, and she
changed everything. Except you can’t just walk away from your past
like it never happened. You can’t just snap your fingers and make
all your bad habits evaporate. It’s not that easy.”

“You don’t think I know that, Rob?” He
thumped the side of his fist on the bar.

“I don’t know, man. You tell me.”

Mark sat back and waved his hand down the
front of him. “You call this easy? What I’m going through? Does
this look easy to you?”

“Mark, come on, give yourself a break.”

“Getting to this point hasn’t been
easy
. Opening up to her about my past wasn’t easy. Sitting
back waiting for her to acknowledge what I told her?” He shook his
head. “Not easy, Rob. So, don’t preach to me about shit being hard,
because I’m living it. I’m there. Right in the middle of fucked up.
Because it’s not just all this shit I’m dealing with. It’s the
wedding, too.” And here he went through part two of his troubles.
“I’ve proposed. I’ve given her the ring. I can’t see my life
without her. But every time I think about the actual ceremony, I
freeze. I panic. I get a pain deep down in the center of my chest.”
He poked the tip of his index finger against his sternum. “I get
nauseous, start perspiring. I freak out.”

“Have you told Karma this?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve already upset her enough by sharing my
past with her. She won’t even talk about the other shit. I can’t
throw this on the fire. It’d be like a can of kerosene.” He made a
noise like an explosion, popping his splayed hands out in front of
him. Then he sighed and grabbed another peanut. “I can’t disappoint
her again. I can’t tell her that I’m scared shitless of our
wedding. That I’m terrified of standing at the front of the aisle
wondering, worrying, fucking
freaking out
that she won’t
appear at the end of it and walk down that aisle toward me! That
would devastate her. She deserves better than that.”

“She
deserves
to know the
truth
.”

“And what if the truth is too much for her to
take, and she leaves?”

Rob leaned away, his eyes narrowing. “That’s
what you’re really scared of, isn’t it? That she’ll leave.”

Mark stared at him for several seconds,
hardly breathing. The thought of Karma leaving him was enough to
send ice through his blood.

“Yes,” he finally said. “I’m terrified she’s
going to walk away.”

“Why?” Rob searched his eyes. “I saw how she
looked at you back there. I heard the tone in her voice when she
talked about you. She loves you, man. Maybe your relationship isn’t
perfect, but whose is? I don’t see a woman preparing to run when I
look at Karma. I see a woman in love. A woman who just wants to
marry you.”

He lowered his gaze to the pile of peanuts
and broken shells on the bar. “Yeah, and I can’t even suck up
enough courage to set a damn date.” He frowned at himself as he met
Rob’s gaze again. “I can’t even give her the one thing she
wants.”

“You will. Have faith.”

“I don’t know, Rob. I just don’t know. Maybe
I’m not redeemable. Maybe I’m too fucked up to be good for any
woman, anymore.” He shook his head shamefully. “Two years ago, I
had my shit together. I—”

“Hold up.” Rob raised his hand. “Your shit
was
not
together. If you think that, you’re delusional.”

Mark huffed. “Yeah, well at least I knew what
I wanted and how to go after it. Now . . .”

“Are you saying you regret this? That you
regret meeting Karma?”

He scowled. “No. Hell, no. But I’m stuck.
Something in my head is stuck. I want to marry Karma, but every
time she wants to talk about the wedding I go into a total
lockdown. Shouldn’t I be excited about this? I thought all that
shit with Carol was behind me by now. Like now that I know I’ve
found the woman I’ll be spending the rest of my life with I should
be more than ready to walk down the aisle—unable to wait even one
more day.”

“And you’re not?”

“No.” The shame exhausted him. For weeks,
he’d forced himself not to show how heavily his thoughts weighed on
him, but now he let himself give in. His shoulders caved, he closed
his eyes, and he let the morose take him.

“Why not?” Suspicion dripped from Rob’s
words. Obviously, Rob knew there was more. And he knew it was
bad.

And he was right.

“There’s still something I haven’t told
Karma. One last thing I haven’t shared with her.” He thought about
the last item on his list. The one he’d crossed off but weighed so
heavily on his soul he could barely stand sometimes.

Was that why he’d been thinking more about
Carol as the weeks passed? He couldn’t understand why she kept
infiltrating his thoughts. It wasn’t that he wanted her back or
that he regretted things hadn’t worked out. He was completely
devoted to Karma and wanted no one but her. But his thoughts kept
taking him back to Carol. Not constantly, but at some of the most
inopportune times. Like when he was lying in bed at night. When he
was just about to fall asleep. Then his subconscious threw an image
of Carol—of some past memory—into his head. A memory of happier
times. And then of his wedding day. He’d even dreamed of that day,
waking with a start, covered in sweat, heart racing, breath coming
in hard bursts. It was like there was some vital component he was
missing. Some key that would unlock everything and finally let him
go. But he couldn’t find it. Couldn’t figure out what it was.

“I keep thinking about Carol,” he said
quietly.

“Excuse me?” Rob sounded fit to bust
something. “What do you mean, you’ve been thinking about Carol?
Like, you want to get back with her or feel like you’re settling
for second best by choosing Karma?”

Mark rose back to his full height, scowling.
“Hell no. That’s not what I meant. Not even close. That’s why I’m
so confused. I
don’t
want her. But I can’t stop thinking
about what happened. I have fucking nightmares about it, for
Christ’s sake. Isn’t that going to be just fabulous when Karma and
I are living together and sharing a bed
every
night instead
of just a few nights a week? So far, I’ve only had the nightmares
when I’m alone.”

“Well, maybe your subconscious is trying to
tell you something.”

He scoffed, feeling tapped out. “Like what?”
He’d been trying to solve this riddle for over a month.

“Like maybe it’s time you and Carol talk.
Bury the hatchet. Discuss what happened, so you can both move on
once and for all.”

He crumbled another peanut shell. “We already
talked, and I know what happened.”

“Uh-huh. Sure you did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Rob leveled him with a
cut-through-the-bullshit stare. “Do you really know what happened,
Mark, or are you relying on that emotionally heated confrontation
the two of you had at her place after you found her in bed with
Antonio on your wedding day? Because that’s the last time you two
actually talked to one another. And I use that term loosely,
because from how you’ve described it, there was more yelling than
talking going on that day. And yelling usually doesn’t go
hand-in-hand with rational, air-clearing conversations. So, I’ll
ask again. Do you really know what went wrong with Carol? Or are
you still running from the truth?”

Mark frowned, words failing him.

“I thought so.” Rob finished his bottle of
water and tossed it in the recycle bin.

“Okay, so maybe you’re right. Maybe Carol and
I haven’t talked. What do I do about it now?”

Rob tilted his head and raised his eyebrows.
“Well, let’s see. How about you . . . gee, oh, I
don’t know . . . talk to her.”

Could the solution to his problems really be
that simple? It sounded too good to be true. Besides, the last
person he wanted to see was Carol. The last time he’d seen her,
he’d barfed his guts out. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to contain
his upchuck response if he had to face her again.

“I don’t know, Rob.”

“Well, think about it.” He stood. “It could
go a long way toward making things right. Not only for you and
Karma, but for Carol, too.”

“You say that is if I should feel sorry for
her.” He scowled. “I don’t care how she feels.”