Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters (16 page)

But of course the mommy pressure goes way beyond just popping them out. It’s about what kind of mother you are, and anything less than perfect just won’t do. If you work, you should be staying at home with your kids. If you’re poor or on welfare, you should be working (sorry there’s no affordable childcare, too bad). If you want to take time off from work to hang out with your kids, you’re a liability, but if you don’t, you’re a bad mother. If you don’t take perfect care of yourself while you’re pregnant, you’re a horrible person (and maybe even a criminal). If you don’t want to get pregnant, you’re unnatural. There’s really no winning when it comes to motherhood.

Not only do women
have
to become mothers in order to be good women, we have to become “perfect” mothers. All while getting pretty much no appreciation for it.

Let’s face it—a lot of women want to be mothers, but there are also plenty of us who just don’t want to have kids. But for some reason, that’s seen as unnatural.

Women are supposed to want to have babies. It’s our “natural” inclination. Several of my friends—who are in their late twenties—decided a while ago that kids just aren’t for them. But whenever they express that sentiment to
anyone in their lives, the reactions are insane. They’re generally pooh-poohed with an, “Oh, you’ll change your mind,” or just incredulousness that anyone would decide
not
to have kids. (Never mind that men who don’t have kids are just charming bachelors.) It forever bugs them that despite the fact that they’ve made an informed decision that’s right for them, they’re constantly being judged for it.

Of course, the idea that
all
women should be mothers is inexorably linked with issues of choice. Because our bodies are not really our own—they’re for making babies for the greater good. And if we don’t, we’re selfish.

The wackiest example I’ve seen of this idea lately is this movement of religious women who call themselves Quiverfull Mothers (like keeping your “quiver” full of babies—ick) and think that women should have as many kids as they can in order to build an army for god. And (naturally), they think that women should be submissive, and that “women’s attempts to control their own bodies—the Lord’s temple—are a seizure of divine power.”
¹
So essentially, your body isn’t your own; it’s god’s. Now, of course this is an extreme
example. But it isn’t far off from what some policymakers think about women and motherhood.

When South Dakota tried to outlaw all abortion, for example, the task force in charge of discussing the ban came out with this gem:

So you see, expectations about motherhood and what women
should
feel are used against us in all different areas of our lives—particularly when it comes to controlling our own bodies.

A really disturbing aspect of this obsession with all things mommy is that most of it has nothing to do with the woman—it’s all baby, all the time. We’re just the carriers, after all. Sounds harsh, I know, but it’s true. Even public policy reflects the idea that a woman’s worth lies in her lady parts (the baby-making ones, not the fun bits).

In 2006, the Centers for Disease Control issued federal guidelines asking all women who are able to have babies (so,
most women in their reproductive years) to treat themselves as pre-pregnant—even if they have no plans to have children anytime soon.
³
Seriously.

This basically means that any woman who is capable of getting pregnant should be taking folic acid supplements, not smoking, and keeping herself generally healthy—but not for herself, mind you, but for the baby (the one that doesn’t exist yet).

The vessel will make sure to treat its uterus and surrounding matter with care for the preparation of the almighty fetus. The vessel puts the lotion in the basket.

You know, I’m all for being healthy—but I’d like to think of myself as a bit more than a potential baby-carrier. And I’m sure you would too. But unfortunately, this treatment of motherhood as having nothing to do with women is all too common. And it’s getting scarier and scarier.

A new trend in sexism that’s somewhere in between repro rights and perfect-mommy standards is going after pregnant women. For anything and everything.

A new wave of laws dedicated to “fetal protectionism” is popping up like crazy on a state level—but they’re more about punishing pregnant women (and, by proxy, their babies) than about helping them.

Just a few examples: Arkansas legislators are considering making it a crime for a pregnant woman to smoke a cigarette;
⁴
a Utah woman was brought up on murder charges
after refusing to get a cesarean section and giving birth to a stillborn boy;
⁵
a bill passed in the Idaho state senate would send pregnant moms to prison if they’re caught using illegal drugs;
⁶
and laws in Wisconsin and South Dakota allow for arresting pregnant women for alcohol use.
⁷

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anyone wants to see babies born addicted to drugs or harmed by alcohol or cigarettes. But all of these laws actually harm infants and their mothers, rather than help them. After all, healthcare in prison is atrocious, and if these bills become laws, the number of babies born in prison (which isn’t exactly a drug-free zone) would increase significantly.

Lynn Paltrow, the executive director of National Advocates for Pregnant Women, wrote an article about this rash of new laws, noting that while we should be concerned with the health of pregnant women, we should not be lining up to punish them.

Wyndi Anderson, also of National Advocates for Pregnant Women, says that “if we really want to provide an opportunity for women to have healthy pregnancies, then we need to think about ways we can support women and
their families.”
⁹
You know, as opposed to making things even worse.

These laws are a slippery slope, part of a larger trend that trumps the rights of a fetus over those of women. And as Paltrow points out in her article, where do they stop?

Could the police arrest a woman who doesn’t take prenatal vitamins? Throw her in jail for playing sports? And now, with this “pre-pregnant” nonsense, how long will it be until women who aren’t pregnant are charged with not taking care of themselves (in preparation for The Fetus)? It’s all just too much.

If this were really about helping pregnant women and their babies, laws would be, well, helping them—not punishing them. But of course, it’s not about helping anyone. It’s about vilifying women in the name of perfect motherhood.

As much as society wants women to have babies, it’s really only
certain
women who should be reproducing: straight, married, white women.

That’s why you see organizations like CRACK out there advertising specifically in low-income black neighborhoods. That’s why states are trying to enact laws that would prevent unmarried women (lesbians, wink wink) from accessing reproductive technology to help them get pregnant without the almighty penis.

That Quiverfull movement? Part of their belief system is that they are helping to prevent “race suicide” by having nice white babies.

So it’s important to remember that the expectation of motherhood is directed differently at different women. The myth of the black “welfare queen” having lots of babies for the “wrong” reasons is as alive as it ever was, as is the idea that gay people shouldn’t have families (you know, ’cause they don’t do it the “natural” way).

And when you see stories about the “mommy wars” (stay-at-home versus working moms), they’re overwhelmingly about white upper-class women who can afford to argue about whether to stay home or not.

Just something to think about.

Once women make their own (hopefully) decision to have children, a whole new set of expectations and problems comes up.

Before they even have the kid—outside of the punishing-pregnant-women trend—women are subject to a whole medical profession telling them the best way to have their children.

An example? The rate of cesarean sections is at an all-time high in the United States: Almost 1.2 million C-sections were performed in 2005, up 27.5 percent from 2003.
¹⁰
And what does this have to do with women making decisions about their medical care? Well, it seems that a lot of women are being pushed into having the procedure because it’s easier for doctors. Some hospitals have even banned vaginal deliveries after a woman has had a C-section in a previous pregnancy. (There’s also a fear of malpractice suits if something goes wrong in a vaginal delivery.)

For example, Lani Lanchester decided that she didn’t want a C-section with her second child; she had the procedure for her first birth and the recovery was difficult. Despite having a healthy pregnancy, Lanchester was told that her hospital had a policy change and was no longer allowing women who had had C-sections to deliver vaginally. Because of insurance complications, Lanchester couldn’t go to another hospital. “It feels very violating to have unnecessary major surgery. . . . I had no options. But at the end, I got tired of fighting the insurance companies, the hospital, and the doctors.”
¹¹

Given these policies and all the opposition to natural birth, it’s no wonder that more and more women are questioning whether they want to give birth in hospitals at all, C-section or otherwise. As women tire of the impersonal hospital setting, in which they’re made to feel unwanted, and even diseased, midwives and doulas are becoming increasingly popular. I’m all for giving birth in a comfortable environment surrounded by supportive people, not only
because women should have as many options as they can when it comes to having a kid, but also because we shouldn’t be made to fear the birthing process—as if we’ll drop dead if we don’t go to a hospital to have a baby.

Organizations like the New York-based BirthNet actually say that 90 percent of pregnancies are natural births that don’t need hospital assistance.
¹²
They encourage the use of registered midwives, who can help women give birth at home or at a birthing center. (And by the way, a lot of midwife birthing centers are based in or around hospitals.)

But it’s not over once you have the baby. Oh, no. Now enters a whole new set of problems, again relating to being the perfect mommy.

My pet peeve? Folks who rag on nursing mothers. This has been in the news a lot lately because moms are not taking shit anymore (and I love it). Moms—some of whom are calling themselves “lactivists”—are holding nurse-ins across the country to bring attention to stores and companies that won’t let women breastfeed.

For example, a mom in Boston was asked to leave a Victoria’s Secret dressing room because she was breastfeeding. Local mothers reacted by holding a nurse-in; the store ended up apologizing, and they got plenty of press.
¹³
Awesome. A woman was recently even thrown off a Delta flight when she refused to stop breastfeeding.
¹⁴
So we’re supposed to be good moms and take care of our kids (and everyone knows the breast is best!), but when we want to do it in public—gross! You know, because boobies are for boys, not babies.

Some states, thankfully, have taken action by creating laws ensuring that breastfeeding women have rights. In fact, in a move to aid breastfeeding moms against those who find feeding babies objectionable, Kansas health officials decided to give out cards with a message: “A mother may breastfeed in any place she has a right to be.”
¹⁵
If a woman is asked to leave a public place for breastfeeding, the back of the card has numbers where she can report the incident. Sweet.

The point is, this is the kind of shit that mothers have to put up with constantly—no matter how old their kids are. Whether it’s breastfeeding, giving birth, work choices, childcare choices, or college choices, there’s just no winning.

I just had to mention the insanity that is celebrity pregnancy- watching these days. It’s the new glamorization of motherhood. Whether it’s the trend of “bump watching” in the tabloids (assuming that the post-lunch sandwich stomach is a bouncing baby-to-be) or the adoption craze, society loves it some celeb mommies.

Now there are even ads for nonalcoholic beer that feature “pregnant” models. I say “pregnant” ’cause the bellies are Photoshopped in. Gross.

I think our obsession with pregnancy and celebrities just goes to show how far the “perfect mommy” thing has gone. We look up to celebs for fashion, beauty, and style—and now we look up to them as parents. More than kind of weird, I know.