Futures and Frosting (8 page)

“Just shut up
and keep going.  I’m too drunk to care right now, and you should appreciate
that shit!” I yell around his hand that's still held against my mouth.

The faint
sounds of horns honking still make their way into my brain as he curses and
moves faster against me, his orgasm barreling through him like a freight train.

His hand
drops from my mouth and he braces his arms on either side of mine on the edge
of the sink as he buries his head in the side of my neck.  He comes with a
muffled shout and I grip the sink tighter so we won’t topple over.

We stood
there breathing heavy for a few minutes before he pulls himself out of me and
we right our clothes.  He gives me a quick kiss and promises me five of my very
own orgasms in repayment before we open the door and walk out into the aisle of
the bus.

All of our
friends are standing there cheering and clapping, and it was then that we
noticed the bus was stopped and a police officer was standing behind them with
his arms crossed in front of him.

“Oh my God, we
got arrested?” I ask Carter. 

Why the fuck
don’t I remember going to jail?  Was I somebody’s bitch now?

“No,” he
laughs.  “We just got a ticket for indecent exposure.  Turns out Jim didn’t
explain the bathroom door situation clearly.  That little lever you were trying
to slide over?  THAT’S what blacks out the window so no one can see in.  Oops.”

Drew starts
laughing and I noticed that he inches close enough to me so he can put his ear
right next to mine and hear Carter’s end of the conversation   I shove him away
when I realize that’s what he was doing.

“Ha ha get it,
Claire?  Back door action?  I was talking about the bathroom door.  Or was I
talking about you shouting for Carter to fuck you in the ass over and over? 
Hmmm, I’m not sure. They are equally entertaining to think about,” Drew says
with a laugh.

Oh my God. 
This day can’t get any worse.

“So anyway, I
was just calling to make sure you were alive.  As you can see, everyone ended
up crashing at our place since the bus stopped there first.  Jim gave Jenny a
ride home this morning to take a shower and left Liz and Drew behind to make
sure you didn’t choke on your own vomit or anything.  I’m on my way to pick
Gavin up from your dad’s and then we’re meeting my parents for brunch.  There’s
been a slight change of plans.  Instead of them coming to our house, they
rented out the small party room at the Oberlin Inn where they’re staying.  They
wanted to invite your dad, Drew, Jenny, Liz, and Jim and they didn’t want to
impose on us.”

I quickly say
good-bye to Carter and kick Liz and Drew out of the house so I can take a shower
and start to feel a little more human.

Hopefully, that
will be the extent of my embarrassing behavior from last night.

I shower, dress
and walk through the lobby of the Oberlin Inn in record time.  I no longer reek
of stale liquor, but I’m pretty sure I still look like ass.  A view of my
reflection in a mirror behind the registration desk confirms my suspicions.

“Mommy, you look
old today,” Gavin says as we walk hand in hand around the corner and down the
hall.  “Like old lady and eye balls.”

“Gee, thanks.  I
love you too,” I mumble.

Carter had got a
call to come into work to fill out a form that will add Gavin to his health
benefits, so after he picked Gavin up from my dad’s and dropped him back off
with me, he ran up there and said he would meet us at the inn.

Yeah, that’s
exactly what I want to do.  Walk into the lion’s den alone.

I had made a
quick call to Drew and Jenny and asked if I could pick them up on the way for
moral support.  I’ve spoken to Carter’s parents a few times on the phone since
we moved in together, but this will be the first time they actually see me and
meet Gavin.  I am beyond nervous about making a good impression.  They are the
complete opposite from what I'm used to.  They never swear, they only drink on
special occasions, and I'm pretty sure they've never puked in anyone’s lap
after a night out bar hopping.  I figured since Mr. and Mrs. Ellis already know
Drew and haven’t forbid Carter from hanging out with him yet, I should be okay.

“I still can’t
believe you don’t remember screaming at that old lady in the parking lot. It
was priceless!” Drew whispers from behind me as we walk into the party room and
see Carter and his parents talking to a waiter.

“I’m so glad I
downloaded the theme from “Golden Girls” to her phone right after that
occurred,” Jenny says to Drew.

“It really was a
stroke of brilliance,” he replies.

I roll my eyes
and try not to think about the events from last night that Drew and Jenny
regaled me with on the ride over.  Some things are best left forgotten—or lost
in a drunken haze that no one should ever speak of again.

As we walk
through the doorway of the room, Carter turns and we make eye contact.  I
suddenly don’t want to kill the two people behind me.  Everything is
momentarily forgotten when I look at him.

I can do
this.  Parents love me.

He excuses
himself from the discussion and hurries over to us, scooping Gavin up in his
arms and peppering his face with kisses.  He reaches out and grabbed my hand to
pull me in close and place a soft kiss on my lips.

“Mmmmm. You
don’t taste like vomit and desperation anymore,” he whispers with a smirk as he
pulls his face away from mine.

“Remind me to
never drunk dial you again for a booty call,” I reply with mock irritation.

“Don’t worry,”
he says as he turns and pulls me over to his parents.  “If that’s your idea of
a booty call, I’m never taking another call from you again at two in the
morning from the kitchen while you’re down the hall in the bedroom.  My penis
can’t handle another rejection like that.  Or should I say
projection
?”

Drew and Jenny
start giggling behind us.

“Alright, get it
all out of your system now you guys.  We are never, ever speaking of what
happened last night again.  We all need to pretend like it never happened,” I
state firmly as Carter wraps his arm around my waist and hefts Gavin up higher.

“Yeah, about
that,” Drew says sheepishly, “you might want to check Facebook when you get a
free moment.”

My mouth dropped
open, and I could do nothing but stare at his back as he pushes us out of the
way and drags Jenny up to greet Madelyn and Charles and give them a hug.  I
barely paid attention as Drew introduces Jenny to them.  Before I know it, all
eyes are on me and Gavin.

“Say hello to
your grandparents, Gavin,” Carter prompts him.

“Hi, I’m Gavin. 
When I’m ten I can drink beer and mow the lawn,” he states with a smile.

Nothing like
a little tension breaker.

“Well, isn’t
that sweet,” Madelyn says in a voice that clearly states it's anything but.

“It’s good to
finally meet you Clarissa,” Charles says distractedly as he stares at Jenny’s
ass when she bends over to pick up her lip gloss that she had dropped.

“Dad, it’s
Claire
,”
Carter reminds him in a low voice, giving me an apologetic look.

As Gavin and I
are pulled in for impolite hugs and air kisses, all I can do is try and think
about what I may or may not have put on Facebook.  The fact that I am pretty
sure Carter’s mother hated me on sight and his father is too busy ogling my
friend’s assets to get my name right doesn’t even touch a nerve.  If I had put
a picture of my boobs on Facebook, I'd throw myself off of a bridge anyway, so
their judgments won’t matter.

Under normal
circumstances, I own who I am.  I like to have fun and go crazy, occasionally,
and when that happens, it usually involves alcohol.  I don’t drink and drive
and I don’t spend my money on hookers and crack. I don’t waste my paycheck
every week filling up entire shopping carts with bottles of Jack like Nicolas
Cage in
Leaving Las Vegas
, and sometimes my shenanigans are broadcast on
Facebook either by my own stupidity or by the stupidity of my friends. 
Typically, this is only slightly embarrassing, and we would all have a good
laugh over it for months to come.  However, in a moment of insanity a few days
ago, I had decided to friend-request Carter’s mother and a few other members of
his family on Facebook.  I really should be supervised anytime I go near social
media.  There should be an actual human being whose only job is to sit next to
me and say things like, “Do NOT post that,” and “You should seriously consider
removing your tag off of that picture,” or “No, dick does not rhyme with
delicious, and you are not good at poetry when you’re drunk, contrary to what
you’ve been told,” and “That comment sounds a lot better in your head than it
will under her picture.  And that’s not how you spell cock sucking whore
anyway”.

After we
conclude a few minutes of small talk, Madelyn and Charles whisk Gavin away and
begin spoiling him by letting him order anything he wants on the menu, even if
it's five different desserts. I turn to glare at Drew as Carter moves behind me
and wraps his arms around my waist.

“Why the hell do
I need to check Facebook?” I practically screech at him.  “What did you let me
do?”

“Well, the word
‘vagina’ may have been used in several posts last night,” Drew informs me
seriously.  “As well as a few words even
I’ve
never heard before.”

I can feel
Carter’s rumble of laughter as his chest presses up against my back.

“Oh this should
be good,” he says absently as he rests his chin on my head.

I shake my head
in denial, completely horrified at the fact that I drunk Facebooked last night.

How can he be
so calm?  God only knows what I did that his mother might have seen.

“No wonder your
mother isn’t very impressed by me,” I state.

“Nah, don’t take
that personally.  Madelyn Ellis was born with a stick up her ass,” Drew
reassures me.

“It’s true, she
was,” Carter agreed.  “And they love you so stop it.”

A few minutes
later, Liz, Jim, and my father arrive and after introducing themselves to
Carter’s parents, they make their way over to our little group.

“So, I’m
guessing since you’re still alive Carter’s mom either hasn’t read her Facebook
page yet or she has a really good sense of humor,” Liz says with a laugh.

Oh my God.  That’s
it! I’m putting an ad out for new friends.

“I should have
been nowhere even remotely near Facebook in that condition.  What is wrong with
you people?!” I yell in a loud whisper so Carter’s parents won’t hear my
hysterical breakdown from their table over by the kitchen where they are
currently showing Gavin what each utensil is for and how to place the napkin in
his lap.

Oh Jesus. 
They have manners.  They have manners and they’re all proper and know which
fork to use, and I took a dump on their Facebook page last night.

“You guys let
her near the internet when you went out?  Jim should especially know better. 
How many times has she lifted your cell phone and hacked your Facebook page to
tell everyone you like to eat baked beans off of hookers?” My dad asks with a
chuckle.

“I wouldn’t
laugh if I were you, George.  I remember when she changed your status to say,
‘Can anyone tell me what it means when your penis has a blue discharge that
smells like egg salad?’” Jim reminds him.

“So who let the
dip shit near a phone?” my dad questions.

Can you feel the
love?  Can you?  It feels almost like having my toenails ripped out.

“Well, at first
we thought we should take her Blackberry away for her own safety and for that
of those around her.  But when she posted, “Spitters are quitters” on every one
of Carter’s cousin’s pictures in her photo album, at that point it was just too
funny to put a stop to.” Drew laughs.

Oh fuck me.

I vaguely
remember while Carter was up at the bar buying a bottle of wine at the fourth winery,
I told everyone the story about how his cousin Katie gave some guy a blow job
in college and gagged on his spunk.  The very same story she had just told me a
few days ago when she accepted my friend request and swore me to secrecy.  Yes,
I realize this is very personal information to be sharing with an
almost-stranger, but we bonded quickly over Facebook email, what can I say?  I
may have suggested that if I told anyone her deep, dark secret she could shave
my head.

Double fuck.

“I really don’t
want to hear the story about my cousin that goes along with that, do I?” Carter
asks as I crane my neck around to see the grimace on his face.

“Probably not,”
I mutter as I look back at Liz.

“Give me your
phone.  Now,” I state with my hand out to her.

Of course, today
of all days my phone’s battery is dead and I've left the fucking thing at home.

Liz pulls her
iPhone out of her purse and slaps it into my open palm.  I yanked it to me
faster than a fat kid with a piece of cake and quickly click on the Facebook icon
and log into my account.

“Holy fucking
shit,” I whisper as the little globe symbol at the top of the screen tells me I
have sixty-five new notifications.

Liz moves over
next to me and glances over my shoulder.

“Oh don’t worry.
Most of those were you replying to your own posts using my account.  You were
really cracking yourself up last night.”

This is doing
nothing to make me feel better.  I go to Katie’s page and clicked on one of the
two photo albums she had in there.  I quickly scan through the pictures and
don’t find any offending comments.  Maybe I had deleted them.

Right, and
maybe fairies will start shitting money on my front lawn.