Galaxy Patrol (2 page)

‘I beg your pardon.' The captain pressed a little button in the middle of his logo and his voice came booming out. ‘A translator blip. Forgive me. I say again… Hail, Earthlings!'

Earthlings
? How many of us were there? Don't say my body had reassembled itself into two!

And then, from somewhere behind me, a familiar voice spoke. It sounded a bit irritable.

‘Well, hail to
you
,' it said, ‘but d'you mind telling us what's going on?'

Rosie! What was
she
doing here? What could anyone possibly want with her? And why did she have to be so rude?

‘I mean, for starters,' she said, ‘where exactly are we?'

Such
bad manners. We were guests in this spaceship! If I'd been the captain, I'd have told her to watch herself. You just don't talk that way to other life forms. If they're friendly, it's ungracious; and if they're not friendly… Well! Who knows what they might do?

She could have got us into a whole load of trouble. We could have been vaporised on the spot! As it was, the captain obviously decided to make allowances for her ignorance.

‘First of all,' he said, ‘allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Cranko. This is Lieutenant Malandra, and this is Lieutenant Bendra. And this…' He waved a hand. ‘Is the command deck of the starship
Galaxy Empire
. We welcome you aboard!'

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I
knew
spaceships existed. I knew there were extraterrestrial beings. I
knew
they had transporter beams. I shot a triumphant glance at Rosie. Now let her say it was stupid boy stuff!

Rosie took absolutely no notice at all. She never does when I've proved her wrong. She stood glaring up at the captain, all butch and aggressive.

‘If this is some kind of joke,' she said, ‘I don't think much of it. I was in the middle of trying to finish my homework when you went and did whatever it is you've gone and done!'

She practically stamped her feet. But the captain just smiled – which made her even madder. I could see she was about to start up again, so I stepped in, hurriedly.

‘I was watching
Star Trek
,' I said. I didn't say it to complain; I just wanted to make it clear that
one
of us knew what was going on. ‘They were exploring a distant planet, deep in outer space, and Captain Kirk had just asked Scotty to beam him up.'

‘A wise man.' Captain Cranko nodded. ‘Lieutenant Malandra here is our transporter chief. She has often come to my rescue.'

Lieutenant Malandra did the hand thing, palm up. Obviously a kind of greeting. ‘I trust,' she said, ‘your journey was a smooth one?'

I assured her that it was. ‘I didn't feel a thing, except it was a bit weird seeing my body parts.'

‘I agree,' said Lieutenant Malandra. ‘It takes a while to grow used to it. I remember my first time, three of my feet – ' She stopped, abruptly. If she'd been human, I'm sure she would have blushed. But now I knew for sure she wasn't!
Three
of her feet… How many did she have?

Rosie was making impatient huffing noises, blowing through her mouth. ‘It
is
a joke, right?'

‘Wrong, I'm afraid.' The captain shook his head. I found myself wondering if it was his only head, or if, like Lieutenant Malandra and her feet, he had several of them. ‘We are on an extremely serious mission.'

Rosie's chin tilted. ‘So what's it to do with us?' she said.

‘Everything! As you shall hear. Meanwhile…' He turned, gravely, to me. ‘I regret pulling you away in the middle of your
Star Trek
, but it will be there waiting for you when you get back. You will find Captain Kirk just as you left him, preparing to beam up. I give you my word! Nothing will have changed.'

‘How come?' said Rosie.

‘Let us just say that … time has temporarily come to a halt. So, please! There is no need to worry.'

I hastened to make it clear that I, personally, wasn't in the least bit worried.

‘Well, you mightn't be,' said Rosie. ‘I am! It means my homework'll still be there, as well. I could have finished it by now, if you hadn't…'

Her voice trailed off. Her eyes slowly grew as big as satellite dishes. Her jaw dropped, taking her mouth with it. She gobbled a bit, but no words came out. Just a sort of strangled cry. ‘
Hahhhhhaahaaargh
…'

I turned to see what the problem was – and my jaw dropped as well. I have to admit it. It's best to be truthful about these things. I didn't make the
hahhhhaa
sound, but that was only because I'd clamped a hand to my mouth.

One of the walls had silently gone into meltdown, and a creature had come slithering in. It was all head and tentacles. Big purple head and long green fronds, coiling and writhing. Come to think of it, rather like the octopus thing we'd just seen on
Star Trek
.

What was a bit worrying was that I couldn't remember whether the octopus thing had been deadly, or whether it had simply wanted to shake tentacles. Did Captain Kirk get beamed up in time? Or did the octopus thing get him?

For a minute, I was close to panic. But Captain Kirk never panicked, and neither would I.
In the face of danger, remain calm
. I drew myself up, very stiff and straight. I wasn't going to be terrorised by some octopus thing!

Slowly, it started to coil its way through the door. One of its tentacles, not looking where it was going, touched the edge of Rosie's foot and instantly drew back. Rosie screeched. Long and loud. She clutched at my arm. What was the matter with her? The thing hadn't done her any harm! It was just a different life form. Nothing to be scared of. All the same, it gave me a lot of satisfaction.
Now
let her say that aliens didn't exist!

As the octopus thing coiled back on itself, away from Rosie's foot, the captain stepped forward. Very coldly he said, ‘Zzexxxbjaaarx!' Or something like that. It obviously made sense to the octopus thing. Even though it was an octopus thing, you could tell it was ashamed of itself. Its tentacles began to twist and turn, curling up at the ends like my toes do when I get into trouble.

‘Xxozzaaaz!' barked the captain. Or maybe it was ‘Zzoxxaaax.' Whichever, it sounded painful. Like he was clearing razor blades out of his throat.

The poor old octopus thing turned bright purple. I mean, it already was purple; but sort of pale. More lavender coloured. Now it looked like a big ripe mulberry. Like it might burst at any minute.

Slowly, starting at the tips of its tentacles, it began to shrivel. As the tentacles shrivelled,
the big purple mulberry began to swell, until it was the size of a football. The size of a beach ball. And still growing!

I held my breath, waiting for the explosion. Bracing myself for the
splat
of purple innards landing on my face. But then, quite suddenly, the octopus thing disappeared in a shimmer of light, and in its place stood what appeared to be a normal human being. I knew, of course, that it wasn't really human; it was the octopus thing in disguise.

The captain cleared a few more razor blades out of his throat. ‘Graarx orx!' he barked.

The octopus thing snapped to attention. It was wearing the black tracksuit with the logo. The logo was blue, but without any stripes. Must be very junior, I thought. It stood, head bowed before the captain, and earnestly spoke in octopus language. Well, what I took to be octopus language. It didn't sound like razor blades. More like blobs of jelly. Whatever it was, it obviously didn't impress the captain. He snapped, ‘Zzexxxgraaach!' and pointed sternly in our direction. The octopus thing swivelled round to face us. Captain Cranko pressed the button on his logo.

‘Ensign Gork,' he said, ‘wishes to apologise.'

Ensign Gork bent low before us. ‘I deeply regret,' he said, ‘my thoughtless behaviour. I had not realised there were visitors aboard. But that is no excuse,' he added. ‘I am truly sorry for any distress I may have caused.'

‘So I should think,' said Rosie, crossly. ‘Coming in looking like something that's been fished out of the ocean!'

I kicked at her. Ensign Gork couldn't help looking like an octopus. It was probably quite
normal, in his world. He might even have been thought handsome. And what was her problem with octopuses anyway?

The trouble with Rosie is that she never knows when to stop.

‘A joke is a joke,' she grumbled, ‘but this is ridiculous!'

Poor Ensign Gork had gone bright purple. I thought for a minute he was going to lose control of his cloak and turn back into an octopus. I felt quite embarrassed for him, so I hastily said that he hadn't caused any distress at all. Not as far as I was concerned. Earnestly, I explained how I was quite used to seeing extraterrestrial beings.

‘We can't all look alike. I mean, the galaxy would be a pretty dull place if we did!' I gave this little laugh to show how much the idea amused me, all of us looking alike. ‘In any case,' I said, ‘us lot that live on Earth probably look just as – '

I stopped. Just as what? Just as odd? Just as scary?

‘We don't look like octopuses!' shrilled Rosie.

‘No.' The captain smiled, kindly. ‘You are mainly sacks of water.'

Well,
that
put her in her place. Rosie's mouth
fell open and she popped her eyes; lost for words, for once in her life.

‘Please.' The captain held out a hand. ‘Step this way. Let me take you somewhere more comfortable where we can talk.'

‘'bout time,' muttered Rosie; but at least she kept it under her breath.

We followed the captain into the turbo lift. Well,
I
followed the captain. Rosie hesitated.

‘What's this?' she said, all aggressive.

I told her it was a turbo lift and she said, ‘Oh, yeah?'

‘It's all right,' I said. ‘It's quite safe. They use them all the time in
Star Trek
.'

Rosie gave me this withering look. ‘Know what?' she said. ‘You're not safe to be let out! You'd believe anything.'

‘No, Rosie, Jake is absolutely right.' The captain spoke in soothing tones, putting his hand under her elbow to encourage her. ‘It's perfectly safe. You have nothing to fear.'

I think it shook her a bit, the captain knowing our names. I was a bit surprised, myself, but I tried not to show it. After all, creatures from other planets are not the same as us. They have abilities we don't always
understand. Of course, Rosie didn't believe there were creatures from other planets. I could see that must be making things a bit difficult for her. She plainly couldn't understand what was going on.

‘Rosie?' The captain waved her forward. ‘Please don't be scared. We mean you no harm.'

She shook her head, like
this is too much
. But quite meekly she stepped into the lift beside me. She didn't even say
oh, yeah
?

‘Right! Off we go.'

The captain touched a panel of lights and I felt us moving, swift and silent, towards the top of the ship. Rosie jabbed a sudden finger in my ribs. I sprang round, indignantly.

‘What d'you do that for?'

She mouthed at me, furiously. ‘What's going on? What have you got us into?'

Me
? I hadn't got us into anything! I mouthed back that I had no more idea than she did. ‘Why blame me?'

Her lips moved, in angry silence. ‘You're the one who keeps on about aliens!'

So what? Did she think I'd been sending secret messages, or something?
Please come and abduct us
?

The lips were still moving. ‘How'd he know our names? How'd he know where to find us?' But the lift had come to a standstill and the doors were sliding open.

‘Jake? Rosie?' The captain stood aside to let us out. ‘If you'll come this way.'

He led us into a circular space, a sort of star dome covered in green glass, through which shone an alien sky filled with alien planets which glinted gold and darted like fish through the darkness.