Game Changer (Hell's Saints Motorcycle Club) (4 page)

I laid my head on the cool tile after some totally nonproductive retching. Ass up, head under the toilet, clutching my stomach. Between the throbbing in my head, the hurt in my face and the pain in my stomach I thought I was going to die. The next wave of nausea hit me and I was clutching the sides of the toilet dry heaving my innards out when I felt a blessedly cool cloth on my forehead. For one insane desperate moment I let my head lean against it and memories of my mom came washing over me

“Here drink this.” Said a voice that was definitely not my mom.

A glass of something cold was gently pressed against my lips. Thickly shaved ice and water coated my throat and it tasted like heaven. I knew who was standing next to me, but I was too exhausted to give a shit or even wonder at the absurdity of it.

Shaking, I handed the glass back to him. When he reached down, folded me in his arms and carried me to my bed, I went with it. He gently covered my hot dry body with the cool sheet. Then he held out a small white pill that I recognized as a valium.

“This will help you sleep.”

And because I so wanted to end this day, and I knew that the little white pill would help that to happen, I took it and closed my eyes.

I woke hours later to a moonlit room with something warm touching my stomach. It was light and feathery, just enough to wake me up but not enough to keep me awake. I started to drift back to sleep. Sudden realization hit me and I shrank against the wall. My scream came out like a whimper and I realized distantly that I was still punchy from the drug I had taken.

He put his two fingers gently to my mouth and said, “Shhh, easy baby.”

My whole body stiffened and I put my hands out to stop him. He pulled me fast against him and wound his hand in my hair.

“Relax, if I was gonna do you, it would have already happened.” Then he paused and added, “Many, many times over.”

I stopped breathing and willed my mind to bring me somewhere else.

“Look at me, Raine.” He tightened his hold on my hair and pulled my face towards him. His black eyes smiled down at me and there were two dimples denting the light scruff on his face.

I got very still then, reaching back in the defenses of my mind and did as I was told. I looked into his eyes and then I watched him watch me. His eyes touching every corner of my face. He took his thumb and ran it gently across my lips and when I instinctively ran the tip of my tongue across it, his eyes grew dark and he moved in closer. His eyes moved to my mouth and then his lips slowly followed. He rained soft little kisses on the sides of my mouth and that I didn’t mind at all. I began to respond to the gentleness. He began to make gentle circles on my stomach with his hand. I arched slightly against him and he moved over me, pressing his lips deep against mine opening me to him. I felt instant an instant burst of sharp pain and pulled away hard.

“What is it?’ He had stopped the kiss dead in its tracks.

“My lip.” I whispered.

“Show me.” He whispered back.

I reached up and rolled down my bottom lip gently exposing the ragged cut that I knew was there. I released my lip and watched. He watched too, he watched to make sure I didn’t pull back when his big body moved over mine. He reached for something from the bedside. Then he rolled back over on his side, his hand on my waist and the other hand moving to my mouth. I felt it before I saw it. The cold clean sensation of the sliver of ice sliding up and down the sore place on the inside of my lip felt so wonderful I sighed against it. The remainder of the valium working its way back into my system.

“That’s it baby, let it work its magic. Close your eyes, nothing else is going to hurt you tonight.” He was saying from somewhere far away….

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. So nice…so nice of him. So nice…

My thoughts began to drift together as I fell into a soft gentle sleep. But not before reaching for his hand, holding it lightly in mine.

“Thank you.” I whispered through the haze.

Diego pulled me close, “Sleep baby.”

And I did.

When he heard her breath grow even and felt her body mold into his, he pulled her closer. He felt her warm and soft against his chest and smoothed her hair. She smelled like spring, clean and fresh and she felt even better. He wondered what it would be like, being loved by a woman like this.

He had seen the damage up close, the torn lip, the swollen eye, the bruises covering her chin, chest and neck. She had taken a pretty bad beating. It was because of him, that monster had wailed on her. He had put her in harm’s way.

If that wasn’t enough, Diego had broken into her house, waited for her in the dark, chased her, fondled her and taken all her money. He had scared her, and not just a little. He knew terror. He had seen it in her eyes when she first saw his shadow and then later when she had woken to him. He had caused the fast beating of her heart. And not in a good way.

He had watched her retreat and go perfectly still. She had wrapped her arms around herself and pulled them in tight. Her eyes dark with fear, and something undefinable when she thought he was going to hurt her. Then she had responded so fully when he showed her gentleness and kindness that he wondered how little of it she had known. He was curious about her. He wondered what kind of woman she was. Then, instantly he knew. If he wasn’t real careful, she was the kind of woman a man could get lost in……..
For as long as they both shall live
. She was that kind of woman.

He held her and watched her sleep through the night. She slept fitfully, sighing and murmuring, alternately pressing against him and pulling away from him. He shifted her a couple of times to watch her face and had felt the soft skin of her belly warm the palm of his hand. The valium had cast its spell and she slept deeply. He wondered at the demons that invaded her dreams and he found that he didn’t want to leave her to them. As dawn began to break, the first rays of light touched her face revealing the deepening purples, reds, blacks and blues of the beating she had taken. The one he hadn’t stopped.

Diego had to go meet with his brothers to discuss the shit with Jamie. There was a lot that had gone down with that deal including the intel on the H and Coke. Shit that had to be revealed and boundaries that had to be redrawn because of it. Club business was fully on his mind when he left her sleeping. It wasn’t until two days later that Diego realized he had forgotten to tell Raine that she could consider all debts to the Hell’s Saints MC paid in full and by then, well, it was too late.

I woke up alone with a fuzzy head and too many aches and pains to count. I ran the shower and stiffened when the hard sprays of water hit my skin. I noticed the beginnings of several more deep blue bruises where that bastard Gino had pummeled me. I wondered again if I had to worry about the junkie and the bastard tag teaming me one night in some dark parking lot. Then decided I was too fucking tired of it all to care.

I got out of the shower and taking a towel wiped the steam from the mirror to peruse the damage. I looked at the inside of my mouth first because I was still worried about loose teeth. Blushing, I said to myself
don’t think about him.
Diego had too much of an effect on me to be safe.

This time my nose was okay, but there was a swollen purple bruise under my left eye and I had streaks of red running through the whites of that same eye. My bottom lip was swollen and keeping with the color of the day, was blood red. There was a big patch of blue sitting like a soft plum on my chin. I had a deep gash on my hairline where the ring he was wearing caught me on that second slap. But all in all I was okay. Not bad, I thought, I had seen worse. And thanks to Gino, I had seen worse on me.

After the shower, I made my way slowly to the kitchen. I needed coffee. I was still shaky and the first time around I spilled the grounds all over the counter. Then I got all weepy again, so I thought what the hell and I decided to give way to a full-fledged pity party. I figured I had earned it. Instead of making my bed or doing the laundry or engaging in the other millions of household stuff that needed doing, I headed to the garden.

Teary eyed, I eased myself into the deep Adirondack chair letting the wind dry my hair and the sun shine on my face. It took a couple of hours but I was able to calm myself. Finally, finally I began to lose that numbing, sick beaten up feeling. I reached into my pocket and found the silver harmonica that was never far from my side and played a long mournful tune.

My thoughts wrapped around me like they always did when I played my harp. They took me back to a time when everything that was wrong had turned out right. At least for a while.

I was sitting on the dirty floor of our living room, trying to untangle Claire’s hair. It was early evening and our father hadn’t been home in two days. I heard a loud bang as someone came busting through our back door.

I looked up to see Prosper walking quickly through the house stopping only when his eyes fell on us. He ran to me and wrapped his big hands around my face, then stood me up and turned me around twice looking me over. I watched as he did the same to Claire. He nodded at us and gave me a look that was trying to be smile. Then he turned taking to the stairs three at a time. We heard banging and doors slamming. Then he was back holding our two little backpacks overflowing with clothes. Prosper had bent down close and folded both of us in his big strong arms. Without even bothering to close the door behind us, he took my baby sister and I out of there.

We rode in that car for a long time and watched as dusk turned into night. He drove and drove and all that time he never said a word. I held Claire’s little hand tightly in mine, but really we were not afraid. Dusk had turned into night when we finally turned off of the highway onto a dirt road. Claire had fallen into a deep sleep and I shifted her to lie on my lap, the warmth of her little body comforting me. At the end of the road was a big rustic cabin with lights shining brightly from every window. The door slammed behind Pinky and she was in the driveway even before Prosper came to a complete stop. She fell on him the minute he was out of the van. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but whatever it was had calmed her. Then I watched as they both approached the van.

Prosper opened the heavy door and Pinky stuck her head in slowly. She looked at Claire asleep in my lap and something that looked like pain crossed her eyes.

She smiled at me gently, “Hey little darling. Claire looks mighty sleepy, can I take her and put her inside? We have a nice big warm bed just for her and one for you too. I made cookies. I’ve been waiting for you and I’m so happy you’re here, honey.” She had her arms outstretched ready for Claire.

I looked passed her to Prosper and he nodded. I had long known that Pinky had secrets too, more than Prosper, more than my dad. But unlike Prosper’s, I knew that the darkest of Pinky’s secrets were about things that had been done to her, and not about things she had done to others. I reached past Claire to find the small dirty pink bunny that she dragged with her everywhere. I said solemnly, “She’s going to need this.”

Pinky turned to Prosper and unloaded the precious bundle in to his big arms. Then she turned back to me.

“Raine, do you know why you’re here honey? Why Prosper came and got you?”

I nodded wisely, “It’s because our daddy doesn’t come home or take care of

Claire anymore.”

“That’s right, sweetheart. And Claire needs someone to take care of her, doesn’t she? So until your daddy can do that again, Prosper and I thought we would do that for her and maybe you might let us take care of you too.”

All the fear and utter despondency that had sat heavy on my little heart for too long washed away and was replaced with an anger so deep it filled me.

“I take care of Claire. I do that. I wash her and make her eat. I try to comb her hair but she runs from me. I take care of Claire!” I shouted. “I do that! We don’t need daddy to do that ever ever again! AND YOU! YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT!”

That was it. I was done. I felt my heart break and the big dark lie take its place inside my soul where it would dwell and feed and soon become bigger than all the good things. That lie that was so big that if I ever let it up it would tear me apart on its way out. Because now I had a dark secret too and that secret was that I needed my daddy to do that more than I needed to breathe. And try as I might, I could not make that happen. That was the darkest secret of all. I pulled my arms around me to keep the hard jagged truth in tight so it wouldn’t shred me to pieces on the way up. I drew myself in and held on tight.

Prosper saw me wrap myself around and he knew.

He knew.

He pulled Pinky gently out of the way then and handed Claire to her. He nodded her toward the house. With a look of great sadness and infinite understanding, Pinky left us taking Claire and pink bunny into the cabin.

My little chest was heaving and my throat was balled up so hard with unshed tears that it hurt to breathe. Prosper slid into the seat next to me, not too close but not too far away either. He looked out the window away from me for a time, then he casually started unwrapping a candy bar that had been in his pocket. He took a piece off, popped it into his mouth and offered the rest to me. I hesitated and then accepted the peace offering. We sat that way for a while listening to the sounds of a country night and tasting the smooth creamy chocolate on our tongues.

“You still playing that little harp I gave you?” He said. Not looking at me.

“Every day.” I said. Not looking at him.

He nodded. More silence.

“You know, don’t you little darlin’, that you’re just about the smartest, most courageous friend that I ever had?”

“I’m not brave Prosper,” I whispered miserably. “I’m scared all the time.”

“That true Raine?” He turned to look at me then and raised an eyebrow. I looked up at him and nodded the sad truth.

“Well, I know something about being brave little darlin’ and I learned it in ‘Nam. Shit, I even have a medal called a Purple Heart in a box right on top of my brown dresser in that cabin over there. If you want, I can show it to you some time.”

“They give medals for that?” I asked.

“They sure do, honey, and the thing I learned most about courage is that it’s something brave people call upon when they are so scared to do a thing they can barely breathe, but they do it anyway because it’s just the right thing to do.”

“Does anyone ever get tired of being brave, Prosper?” I put my tiny hand in his.

He squeezed it gently and said,” Sure they do little darlin’, people get tired of being brave all the time.”

“What happens then, Prosper?” I was looking at him now, the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I heard something catch in the back of his throat and he had to clear it before he went on. “Why they call on someone who has some brave left over, that’s what they do honey.”

“Prosper?”

“Yes Raine?”

“Do you have any brave left over?”

“Little darlin’, just so happens I been saving up a bunch of brave just for you.”

I thought about this for a while.

“So Prosper?”

“Yeah, Raine?’

“You got this?”

He brought the back of his hand up to his eye.

“Yeah, darlin’, I got this.”

I’m not sure how longed we stayed at the cabin by the lake with Prosper and Pinky because little ones measure time differently. But I knew it was good time. Claire and I flourished. We had plenty to eat and there was always homemade cookies. Sometimes there were people wearing the leather letter jackets same as before, and same as before I would sleep tight with Claire next to me, too afraid to look at their shadows thrown on the wall.

Prosper bought me several harmonicas in different keys and continued my earlier lessons on the art of playing the harp. The best part of all, was sometimes at night, I would sit curled up at his feet and he would teach me to sing harmony.

Our father first came to see us about two weeks after we were there. Prosper met him at the end of the driveway and they talked for a long time before he came up. Claire ran to his arms and he held her tight. I stayed back watching. When he reached for me, I put my little hand into Prosper’s and I saw such a look of unbearable pain cross my father’s face, I knew that he loved me. He started coming more often after that and the dark shadows started to leave his face and when I watched him watch Claire, I knew that he saw her.

Right after that first visit, Prosper took me by the hand and led me to a wooden bench in the back of the yard. He sat real close to me, with his hands planted on his thighs and his eyes looking into mine.

“Raine, what I have to say here is pretty important. Fair to say it will be the most important thing you’re ever going to hear, so I need you to listen to me real close and to remember. Now I’m going to help you do that, but you have to help too. Can you do that for me Raine, can you listen real close and remember what I tell you?”

“Yes, Prosper. I do solemnly swear it.”

He smiled at that.

“Raine, I’m gonna help your daddy get where he needs to be. Me and him, why we had a long talk and we’re going to do whatever that takes. That’s our job. When he does that and when I think, when I
know
, he is ready to be the daddy that you and Clairedeserve, you’ll be going back home with him. When you’re back home, he is with you, cooking and cleaning and doing all those things that the good daddies do. That’s his job. You good with that Raine?”

“I’m good with that Prosper.”

“Now in the beginning and a long time after that, I’m going to be checking and making sure that everything happens the way it should be happening. But I won’t be doing it in a way you can see.”

He took my small hands in his and held them tight.

“That will not be me not wanting to see you and Claire. That will be me stepping back and letting your daddy be the man I know he is. It’s important to me that you understand that Raine.”

“I understand.”

His hands were getting sweaty and he let go of mine to reach into his pocket.

“Can you read this Raine?” he handed me a small piece of paper.

“Yes, I can.” And I could.

“We’re going to read this every day until you memorize it.”

“My job, Prosper?”

“A very important part of your job, little darlin’ but not the whole of it. You and I, we’re going to read this so much that no matter what happens or where you are, you’ll be able to bring it to mind.”

“What is it Prosper?”

“It’s the whereabouts of a place where you can always find me, little darlin’. Today, tomorrow, twenty years from now. You there, I’m there. And if I’m not there right then, there will always, always be someone there that can find me. You’re gonna walk right into that place and you’re going to go up to the bar and tell whoever is behind it that you’re Raine and you’re looking for Prosper”

“Prosper?”

“Yes little darlin’?”

“What if there’s nobody behind the bar?”

“Well you see honey that’s a real good question. If you don’t see anybody behind the bar, you just use the lungs that good lord gave you and you belt out a yell asking who it is that’s supposed to be behind the bar and then you tell that man what I just told you. If the day comes, little darlin’ that I’m not around, I’ve made arrangements for that too. What that means is that you and Claire have a safe place. Always.”

“Like magic.” I whispered. “But better because it’s real.”

“Just like that, Raine. The other part of your job is to know when you’re going to need to go to that place. That place is not because you miss ole Prosper, or your dad won’t let you eat ice cream for supper. That place is for a time when things are so dark that you cannot see the light coming through. That place is what we call a game changer, sweetheart. That means if there comes a time you when you need that place, everything about your life will have to change because you know it just is not safe for you and Claire to be in it any more. If and when that happens, you come find me.

“Like when you came and got me and Claire this time, Prosper? Because my daddy didn’t come home, and we didn’t have food, and it felt like it was dark all the time even when it wasn’t?”

“You got it sweetheart.”

And I did.