Gateway to Heaven (24 page)

But they didn’t. Christian’s words only seemed honest and wrenched straight from his soul.

An unsettling prickle on her bared neck made Megan turn to the back of the church. Her eyes were drawn to him as surely as a magnet would unerringly find one piece of iron in a pile of wood. He was staring at her through heavily-lidded eyes from the last empty pew in the church.

Megan’s first reaction was concern. Christian wore a casual light blue button-down shirt that gave the impression of being thrown on over his nakedness before he’d stalked restlessly out of his loft. His hair was tousled and finger combed, at best. One strong arm was draped carelessly over the back of the pew. His expression was hard, impenetrable. But Megan sensed his exhaustion even from this distance. She recalled his statement about being unable to sleep without her. Surely he had just been exaggerating about that to make an excuse for his outlandish midnight raids.

Hadn’t he?

One thing was for sure. His church attendance was an anomaly. Christian may have attended St. Catherine’s regularly as a child, but she knew for a fact that he hadn’t returned for a service in years, probably for more than a decade.

She turned around distractedly when her fellow parishioners stood. Her lips and tongue formed the words of the hymn clumsily. As she sat down again after an excruciating wait of several minutes, Megan glanced over her shoulder. But the last pew was empty.

She dreaded seeing Caroline Lasher later that morning. When she saw her warm smile of greeting as she waited for Megan in the lobby of the library, however, some of her heaviness drifted away naturally. Caroline was a lovely, generous woman who Megan would have been appreciative to know under any circumstances. She returned the older woman’s hug.

Caroline and Christian shared the same eyes, with the one exception being that Caroline’s gaze was gentler, less incising than her son’s. But as Caroline bade Megan to sit down on the piano bench in the private music room and sat next to her in a chair, Megan realized that she saw every bit as clearly as Christian.

“
Something is wrong, isn’t it, Megan?”

Megan opened her mouth to form the automatic denial that had been entrenched into her response repertoire since she was three years old. But when her eyes met Caroline’s compassionate gaze, her lower lip trembled. Something in Caroline’s eyes seemed to grant her permission to speak the truth instead of carrying an unspoken plea for assurance that everything was
just fine
.

Megan was horrified to feel tears flood her eyes. When she saw Caroline’s calm acceptance of them, though, she muttered brokenly through a storm of emotion that crashed over her.

“
Christian and I…he’s…I didn’t know about his career with
Lasher Down
until last night. I knew he was a musician, but…saw him unexpectedly at the concert last night, and…accused him of being a liar and being manipulative, and even worse things…and afterwards…”

Much to her mortification, Megan sobbed uncontrollably with grief. She grasped at Caroline’s outstretched hand like it was a life preserver thrown to her in a choppy sea.

“
I know you know about what happened to me…about Henry Nightingale. Christian told me you know. It’s not all that I am, Caroline. I can’t even remember it. But it’s formed me, too. It’s left me unsure about men…inexperienced…awkward. And you know Christian…he’s everything I’m not. It won’t work out between him and me. It’s just too…”

“
Too what?” Caroline prompted patiently when Megan’s voice broke.

“
Unlikely. Strange…”

“
And?”

“
Right
,” Megan whispered as fresh tears spilled over her cheeks.

Caroline transferred over to the piano bench next to Megan. She hugged her.

“
Some of the most beautiful things in existence are strange and unlikely,” Caroline said with a small smile a moment later. “That’s what makes them so beautiful, because they’re rare, something to be cherished.”

She looked up into Caroline’s compassionate gaze. She understood exactly what the older woman meant…and that brought a new dread.

“
I made him so angry. When I found out that he knew about my past, I felt so vulnerable…and mad, too. Mad that he was starting to treat me like everyone else, like I would shatter at the wrong word. Last night, I accused him of things that I didn’t even believe, just to stop him from looking at me like I was a fragile child…”

She paused as the reality of her words crashed into her awareness. She’d made Christian look at her with something other than concern, all right. She’d baited him until his anger and desire snuffed out his caution. Had that been her unconscious desire all along?

And she had accused
him
of being manipulative?

“
Megan, what did Christian tell you about Henry Nightingale?”

She blinked in surprise at the question. “He didn’t tell me anything about it, except that my sister Hilary had cornered him and forced him to listen to the whole story. Christian didn’t know about my past before my sister did that.”

Caroline shook her head thoughtfully. “He may not have known specifically about
you
, but I’d swear that he has some memories of Henry Nightingale. Maybe he couldn’t recall the details or the names until Hilary mentioned them, but part of him knew the truth. There was just too much of an emotional aura…an upheaval in the whole community for Christian to have been left completely ignorant.

“
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to imply that families like mine suffered to the degree that yours did,” Caroline continued. “But such a crime sent shock waves into the parish, and they must have struck at the children hard, undoubtedly in ways that a child couldn’t fully understand or articulate. Henry Nightingale likely came to equate danger and evil in many a neighborhood child’s mind during that time period—quite literally the monster under the bed.”

He gaze was apologetic when she realized how her words might sound to Megan, of all people.

“
It’s okay, Caroline. Really. Go on.”

“
Christian was maybe ten years old when it happened. He was always an energetic, happy child. Sometimes too energetic, trust me,” Caroline added with a laugh. Her smile faded. “But I recall that during Henry Nightingale’s trial, Christian became quieter than usual, moody, and withdrawn. When he had a nightmare one night—something that was a rarity for Christian—I remember associating his unrest with Nightingale. I planned to talk to him about it, but in the next few days, he seemed to rebound. I should have still addressed it with him, but…he seemed so happy again. I suppose such painful things are easier sometimes for a parent to ignore than tackle, especially when the results seem so temporary.”

Caroline sighed. “Who knew that it would come back to haunt me in such a strange way?”

”
Don’t, Caroline. You’re a wonderful mother. Christian adores you.”

Caroline smiled and patted her hand. “Don’t worry. Christian is one of the strongest people I’ve ever encountered. I’m not likely to feel guilty about any aspects of his upbringing for long. I only brought it up so that you might understand him a little better and forgive him if his reaction seemed extreme.”

“
You’re right to tell me,” she murmured. “It’s something I’ve never considered…that Christian was a child in the neighborhood at the time, that how Nightingale would have affected him.”

“
There’s something else I want you to know. Christian has reacted so strongly about it because he feels so strongly about
you
.”

“
Why do you say that?” Megan murmured without meeting Caroline’s eyes.

“
Some things a mother knows without being told. I always could read Christian like a book, much to his regret. When he was little he could be one of the devil’s own when the mood struck him. But there wasn’t a time after he misbehaved, even when he was in his early twenties, that he didn’t communicate to me in some way—usually indirectly—his regret. He’s one of the most honest individuals I know. He feels his own perceived shortcomings deeply—“

“
Why, Caroline?” Megan asked. It was a part of Christian that she’d never fully understood; his extreme defensiveness when it came to misperceptions about him. Surely such defensiveness wasn’t just rooted in others’ jaded ideas. Christian seemed too mature to know that he couldn’t change most people’s opinions. Surely his edginess had to do with his own self-doubts, too.

Caroline sighed and glanced up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “He’s done things he regretted, Megan. He’s far,
far
from being what the tabloids made him out to be, but I suppose there was a kernel of truth to a few of those lies rooted in some of his wild behavior when he was younger, when he first knew success with the band. After what happened to his wife—”

“
Cecilia,” Megan inserted.

Caroline nodded. “She was a beautiful girl. But she wasn’t strong like Christian. It wasn’t just her sudden illness that made her that way, either. She didn’t have the strength to persevere, to believe in their relationship through hardship…to believe in Christian. Of course, that’s just a mother’s opinion. It can’t be easy for any woman to hear that her husband has been unfaithful.”

“
But Christian hadn’t been,” Megan said staunchly.

Caroline laughed. “No, Christian is as loyal as an old dog once he’s decided where his allegiances lie.” She studied Megan with kind eyes. “He doesn’t give his loyalty easily,” she said softly.

Megan just nodded. Her heart seemed to have swollen and pressed uncomfortably against her breastbone.

Caroline smiled. “You can trust your feelings. I have the impression they won’t steer you wrong.” She patted Megan briskly on the back of her hand. “Now, how about a lesson?”

Chapter 13

Megan conquered her embarrassment later that afternoon as she faced Jeff at the doorman’s station.

“
Jeff, do you know if Christian is at home?”

“
Yeah, he’s up there. Seth Down just went up a little while ago.”

“
Oh,” Megan paused, uncertain. Maybe she should try to see him later, when he wasn’t busy?

“
Do you want to go on up to his place?” Jeff asked.

Megan looked surprised. “You would let me?”

Jeff shrugged. “Chris put you on the permanent list of people that I could let on the elevator without calling him first.”

“
When?”

“
I don’t know. Last week sometime, I guess, when he told me that you were coming up to his place for dinner. I started to make a temporary note of it, but then Chris asked for the permanent permission form. It’s a pretty short list, so I tend to remember it.”

“
Oh,” Megan murmured, stunned.

“
So are you going up?” Jeff asked after a moment, obviously confused by her behavior.

“
No…yes. Could you call him to tell him that I’m on my way?”

“
I’ll call him, but he might not hear. If they’re working, Chris can’t hear the phone sometimes. That’s why he uses the list.”

Megan nodded in understanding as she waited for Jeff to release the control on the private elevator. Given Jeff’s warning, she half expected to hear music when she stepped off the elevator, but the loft was as silent as a grave. For a second, she wondered if it was empty. Then she saw Seth and Christian sitting over on the couch. Both their gazes were on her as she stepped off the elevator.

“
Hey, Megan,” Seth said. Even though he greeted her with a smile he stood as though he were leaving.

“
Hi,” Megan said with a tremulous smile as he walked toward her.

“
Later, Chris.”

Christian grunted incoherently from where he sat over on the couch. His stare hadn’t left her since she’d walked off the elevator. She looked at Seth uncertainly as he passed. “You don’t have to leave on my account, Seth.”

Seth threw a quick backward glance at Christian and grinned wryly. He pushed the call button for the elevator. “Don’t worry about it. He’s not much good to me today, anyway.”

The elevator door closed and Megan turned around, acutely aware that she was alone with the man who sat broodingly over on the couch. Neither of them spoke as she walked over to him. She studied him anxiously. He looked much the same as he had when she’d seen him earlier at church.

“
You look tired,” she said.

He gave a small shrug. His eyes on her were alight with emotion. But still, he didn’t speak.

“
I…wanted to apologize,” she said.

“
Why?” Christian asked bluntly.

“
For saying those things I said last night. I didn’t mean them. I was just feeling sort of…overwhelmed by everything.”

“
It’s not a wonder. I knew you were feeling vulnerable,” he said dully.

“
Oh.” Megan paused, feeling awkward. “But you’re still mad at me?”

“
How in the hell could you think I was mad you?” He asked so starkly that Megan started. “I can’t understand why you’re always apologetic. I’ve never seen you do a thing that deserved an apology on your part.”