Gay Amish 03 - A Way Home (3 page)

“What is it?”

“Just thinking about heaven.” He watched the bare tree limbs sway as another icy puff of wind came from the east. “Everyone in Zebulon says there’s only one way to get there.”

“And what do you say, Isaac?”

“I don’t know. I…I’m not willing to give up David for it. Or give up who I am. But then I feel guilty, and I worry that it’s the wrong choice.”

“To thine own self be true. Some old guy said that hundreds of years ago, and I think he was onto something. You’re a good person, Isaac. I think God loves you just the way you are. You and David both. Oh, I can’t wait to see him again.”

Standing by the old paddock fence under the hiding moon, longing filled all the corners in Isaac. He wanted David here with him. He looked to the woods across the field, and was glad it was too dark for June to see the blush that heated his cheeks as he remembered that night when they’d tumbled from David’s horse and rutted together for the first time. It had been so glorious and…he thought of the word he’d learned in class.
Liberating.

“I met your brother Ephraim the other week.”

Isaac tore his gaze away from the trees and stared at June, his heart tripping. “You did? Where?”

“Anna brought him over a little while ago. He’s quite a ball of energy. I think she has a little crush on him, although I bet she’d deny it fiercely.”

“That sounds like Anna. And like Ephraim. I want to go over to the house right now and pound on the door so I can see him and Joseph and Katie. What if my parents don’t let me see them?” His smile was gone, and nausea had him swallowing hard. “I need to see them. Did Ephraim mention me? Is he mad that I left without saying goodbye?”

“I think he likely was, but when I spoke to him he only seemed curious. He asked a dozen questions about you and Aaron.”

Isaac gripped the fence. “Does he know about me and David? Did Anna tell him? Did you?”

“Of course I didn’t.” June clasped her hand over one of his on the worn wood. “I don’t think Anna has either. It would be best to tell him yourself, and I think you should. For better or worse. But it’s your decision. I only want what’s best for you. For all of you.”

He nodded. “Thank you. For everything.” The thought of telling Ephraim was almost as frightening as telling their parents. What if Ephraim was disgusted? What if he turned away?

June was quiet for a few moments. “I like Aaron. David says he’s been very good to you both.”

Isaac’s stomach flip-flopped. Looking out at June’s empty fields, he remembered David there with him again, pale in the moonlight, their lips meeting sweetly, and then the heat of their tongues discovering what a kiss really was. “He has. I don’t know what we would have done without Aaron.”

“This must be very difficult for him to see your parents again after so many years.”

“Yes.” Isaac scraped the word out through his sandpaper throat.

“Difficult for your parents too. And wonderful at the same time. I can’t imagine how much they’ve missed him. It’s not an easy thing to cut off your own child. I’m not saying it’s the right thing either.” She sighed. “The Amish sure don’t make it easy on themselves, do they?”

Isaac half smiled. “Definitely not.”

“It’s great that the oncologist is making visits here instead of having Nathan transfer to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. That would be quite a hardship on your parents. Way too far to go by buggy.”

“Danielle said it’s such an unusual case that he’ll probably get to write some kind of paper on it. Oh, Danielle’s a nurse. She was there after the accident last year.”

“Ah, yes. I remember her. She was very kind.”

A gust of wind sent a shiver through Isaac. Before he could stop himself, he blurted, “I don’t know what to do.” He traced the knot of wood with his finger.

“About what in particular, sweetheart?” June rubbed his back in that easy way English people had of touching.

Isaac wanted to lean into her arms and push away the thoughts jumbling his mind. “I don’t know. Everything. I hate how my parents look at me now. The disappointment. The betrayal. And if they knew that I’m gay on top of it, I just…I can’t imagine how they’d react to that.” He took a deep breath. “And I’m angry with David.”

She didn’t stop rubbing his back. “What happened?”

“It’s…we…” It felt disloyal talking to June about David, especially since she was his friend first. “I should have made him talk to me. I knew something was wrong the last couple of months.”

June sighed. “That boy does tend to bottle up everything inside.”

The memory of David without a shirt and Clark pressed against him flashed in Isaac’s mind. “I want to trust him, but I feel like I don’t even trust myself. Do you know what I mean? I’m angry at him, but I’m angry with me too.”

“Okay. Why’s that?” She gave him a pat before taking her hand away and leaning on the fence. She waited.

Isaac figeted, tapping his fingers on the wood. “Since we got to the city I’ve been able to do everything I wanted for the first time in my life. Aaron and Jen and David were all taking care of me. I could go to school and hang out with my new friends and do cool things and not have to work. I didn’t have to worry about money because I knew Aaron and David would give me whatever I needed.” His cheeks heated in the cool night. “I let them spoil me. I didn’t help David with work as much as I should have. He kept saying it was okay. I wish he hadn’t. I don’t know why he did.”

“Well, he loves you. He wants the best for you.”

“Of course. I know. But what about him? If he was having such a hard time, why didn’t he tell me?”

She sighed. “Some people have a very hard time talking about their feelings. After his mother’s accident, he wouldn’t talk to you or me. Just kept it all inside.”

Isaac nodded. “But wouldn’t he know that I’d want to listen?”

“The way I see it, Joshua’s death left a deeper mark on David than even he realized. I know I’m being an armchair psychologist, but as the only son left, he felt a great deal of pressure to live up to expectations. Then his father died, and he was responsible for his whole family. On top of all that, he was secretly gay in a society that absolutely forbids it. He must have internalized his fear and loneliness. I think he’s been like an iceberg. Some of it shows, but there’s a lot more going on below the surface.”

“An iceberg,” Isaac repeated. He thought of the movie they’d watched about the ship that hit one.

“I don’t know exactly what was happening with David in San Francisco, but I do know he would hate to disappoint you. I can easily imagine him biting his tongue rather than risk upsetting you or failing you in some way.”

The thought made Isaac want to cry. “But I love him. We’d work through it. I don’t want to be coddled like some little kid.”

“I don’t blame you. But I imagine he also felt awfully vulnerable.”

Isaac frowned. “Why? I was with him. I would never let anything bad happen.”

“Yes, but there he was living with you and your brother. Even though he was working, he was quite dependent on Aaron and Jen. He’s been the one others have relied on since his father died. But in San Francisco he lives under your brother’s roof, and everyone he knows is connected to Aaron or Jen. I know he was stressed about the money they’d spent on him.”

“But they don’t mind.”

“I’m sure they don’t, but you can imagine how…exposed he must have felt. If you and he broke up, where would that leave him?”

Isaac’s voice rose sharply. “But we won’t! Just because I’m mad and, and
hurt
doesn’t mean we’re going to break up.”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m not saying you’re going to.”

“And just because we’re young doesn’t mean it’s not real.” His stomach churned at the thought of life without David. “I want to do new things, but I want to do them with him.” Isaac shook his head. “I’m sorry I’m yelling at you.”

“Don’t be. I’m glad it riles you up. Fight for what you want. Fight for him. Fight
with
him if that’s what it takes. Don’t let him bottle it up and tell you everything’s fine. Call him on it.” She raised her eyebrows. “And you don’t stick your head in the sand.”

Isaac nodded. “I let him tell me he was fine. And there was stuff that bugged me, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to think about it. There were so many other things going on that I told myself it would all work itself out.” He sighed. “Dumb, I know.”

“Human is more like it. Relationships aren’t easy. You have to work at it.”

Isaac stuck the rubber toe of his sneaker into the mud. “I always thought once you loved someone, the rest just fell into place.”

June’s laughter echoed across the field. “Wouldn’t that be nice? Love counts for a lot, but you need a heck of a lot of patience and grit too. Sometimes Conrad would frustrate me to no end. I did the same to him. But we’d talk it through. Compromise. But you and David can’t do that if you’re not being honest with each other.”

Isaac thought of Clark and what he’d overheard that first night at the bar. Why hadn’t he told David? Maybe David wasn’t the only one who bottled things up sometimes. “You’re right.” He nodded, his mind whirling with all the things he and David needed to discuss. “You’re right,” he repeated.

“Of course I am. I’m a wise old woman, Isaac.”

“You’re not old. You seem way younger than my mother.”

“Well, I haven’t popped out what is it, eight kids? Plus I have electricity. How does she manage all that laundry?”

Isaac realized he’d never thought about it. “She just does.”

“That’s what moms do. Now what I can do is make a mean cup of cocoa, as you know.”

Smiling softly, Isaac remembered sitting in June’s cozy kitchen after speaking to Aaron on the phone, a sweetly steaming mug warm between his palms. “I do know that. Thank you. Not just for that.” He swallowed thickly.

“I know. How about we head in and I’ll whip some up? You’ll be sleeping in no time. You need to get some rest. I don’t imagine you slept much on the plane.”

Isaac chuckled ruefully. “No. Aaron did, but I kept worrying the plane would fall out of the sky.”

“I hear you.” She linked her arm with his, and they made their way back to the two-story farmhouse. “Conrad would be out like a light as soon as we got into the sky, but not me. No, sir.”

A little while later, Isaac curled under a thick Amish quilt in the room June had given him with the taste of chocolate lingering on his tongue. The bed was unbearably empty, and he realized it was the first night he’d slept alone since he and David had left Zebulon. The first time he’d slept alone since he could even remember. Closing his eyes, he said a prayer that it would be the last.

“Please ensure your tray table and seat back are in the upright and locked positions, and that all cabin baggage is safely stowed in the overhead bins or under the seat in front of you.”

David’s pulse thrummed as the jet’s engines roared to life. He was close to the front of the plane, and when he looked back through his window, he could just make out the blur of the propeller’s blades in the dawn. Swallowing hard, he turned back around. One of the uniformed women stood in the aisle a few feet away.

“Please turn your attention to the nearest flight attendant as we outline the safety features of this aircraft.”

He watched as the woman pointed to the exits and held up a seatbelt while the voice came over the speakers. A man of about fifty sat next to him by the aisle. The man hadn’t even glanced at the flight attendant, and tapped his tablet obliviously. David had half a mind to tell him to pay attention, but when he looked around he saw that no one seemed to be watching the demonstration. He focused on the attendant, taking note of the nearest exit and making sure his seatbelt was securely fastened. When the presentation was over, he pulled out the safety card from the pocket in front of him and examined it closely.

They were moving now, slowly heading toward their runway. David shivered as he studied the images on the card. He hoped they wouldn’t have to make an emergency landing over water.

“Sir, please turn off all electronic devices until we’re in the air and the captain has turned off the fasten-seatbelt sign.”

The man beside David grumbled under his breath, but did as he was told. The flight attendant, a middle-aged woman, flashed David a smile. “Glad to see you’re prepared for an emergency.”

He tried to smile back, but had a feeling it was more of a grimace.

She smiled again. “Nervous?”

“Uh-huh.” After a moment he blurted, “I’ve never flown before.”

The man stared. “
Never
?”

David flushed and shook his head.

“There’s a first time for everyone,” the flight attendant said kindly. “Don’t worry. I know the idea might seem scary, but it’ll be smooth sailing, okay?”

As the woman hurried down the aisle, David tucked the safety card back in its spot. Carefully, he pulled the folded piece of paper from his flannel shirt pocket and smoothed it out.

David, you’re not answering when I call. I wish you were here! Nathan is sick. I don’t really understand it, but it sounds very bad, and I’m afraid that if I don’t go right now he’ll die before I see him again. They won’t let him talk to me on the phone. I don’t know what else to do.

Aaron’s coming with me. I know I said a lot of things, and that we still need to talk. I love you. I hope you know that.

He’d memorized the note by now, but David read the last two lines over and over. Isaac still loved him. It helped calm the churning in his gut, and ease the panic that threatened him when he thought of their argument in the kitchen, and what Isaac had seen at the nightclub.

Why did I even go to that stupid place?

If he hadn’t gone, Clark would never have kissed him, and Isaac wouldn’t have seen them together, and David would already be in Minnesota with him. He cringed as he remembered waking in his workshop after drinking a whole bottle of alcohol. His palms still hurt where he’d cut himself on broken glass, and the little sticky bandages Jen had applied were starting to peel. He’d been a mess.