Gay for Pay: An All Cocks Story (All Cocks Stories) (Volume 1) (10 page)

Linc was getting madder by the minute and had started walking faster. Chris was almost having to jog to keep up with him, which he found amusing since he was a good four inches taller than Linc. He didn’t try to speak though, he had the feeling that Linc needed to get it all off his chest, so Chris just let him yell at the trees as they passed them. “The final straw was when I came home to find him in bed fucking, get this, Kory.” Linc had stopped walking and was facing Chris now, waiting for a response.

Chris looked at him confused for a few seconds, Kory, should he know who that was. And then it hit him, “Kory?! Asshole All Cocks Kory?” Linc just nodded. “Oh man, that is fucked up!”

“Tell me about it!” Linc shouted over his shoulder, stomping off and continuing on his tirade. “I mean who does that, screws one of his boyfriend’s co-workers in the bed he shares with said boyfriend?”

“So that is why you don’t like the guy, and here I thought it was his charming personality.” Chris was trying to make a joke and get Linc to laugh, and it seemed to work since Linc started laughing. They walked in relative silence for a while and Chris was enjoying the scenery but also starting to worry about how far out along the water they were going to walk. He stopped and turned back to look and see how far the house was, shocked when it looked tiny in the distance.

He spun on his heel to turn back toward Linc and ask if they could start heading back toward the house, running right into a wall. Well, not a wall really, but Linc’s toned chest sure felt like one when Chris barreled into him. Linc reached up and gripped Chris’s arms to stop him from falling into him. Chris smiled and moved to pull back, but Linc held him in place, their bodies just inches apart.

Chris shook his head, swallowing, trying to add a little moisture to his suddenly dry mouth. Linc licked his lips drawing Chris’s attention to them. When Linc’s tongue ran across his bottom lip Chris inhaled a sharp breath and he tried to pull away again, but Linc held his arms in a firm grip. Chris was shaking his head again and Linc let go of one arm, bringing his hand up to Chris’s cheek. “Can I kiss you?” Linc whispered, his body already slowly moving closer to Chris.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph he wanted Linc to kiss him, and it scared the shit out of him. In his head he was saying no, he was shaking his head vigorously, no! But his body had a mind of its own, he could feel his head nodding and he closed his eyes as Linc’s warm, wet lips touched his. The kiss was chaste. Linc didn’t press further than a simple peck on the mouth, though lingering for a long time. When Linc pulled away there was a low groan and Chris’s knees almost gave out when he realized he was the one groaning.

He wanted so much right then. He wanted Linc to kiss him again. He wanted to turn and run away and never look back. Wasn’t this just what he kept himself up half the night over, his memories of Amanda and the thought of betraying her with anyone else? It no longer mattered to Chris that the person he was thinking of doing that betrayal with was another man. He was questioning everything right then but his body betrayed him, leaning into Linc’s warmth, into another kiss. This time Linc swept his tongue across Chris’s bottom lip, and when Chris moaned Linc took it as an open invitation and pressed his tongue into Chris’s mouth.

Chris’s inner thought that was on constant repeat as of late sounded off in his fogged brain again,
Holy fucking Christ
. He could count the number of lovers he’d had in his short life on both hands, but not a damn one of them had ever kissed him the way Linc was kissing him right now. Not even Amanda. Amanda, the thought slammed into Chris’s chest like a boulder and he jerked back. “What’s wrong?” Linc asked, moving toward him, but Chris started walking backwards, retreating.

“Nothing, it’s not you, I just… I just can’t.” He turned and ran then, ran all the way back to the house, up the stairs and into his room; slamming the door and locking it behind him.

Within five minutes Linc was at the door knocking and calling out for him. Chris didn’t answer him though, ignoring Linc’s pleas to open the door. “Please, Chris, talk to me.” His voice crawled through the tiny crevice at the bottom, reaching up and slapping Chris across the face. Linc sounded hurt, wounded. Still, Chris didn’t speak and didn’t move to open the door. Linc finally left him to his misery and Chris lay staring at the ceiling until he fell asleep.

He was jolted from his nap by a soft tap at the bedroom door. Chris simply ignored the knock, rolling over and pulling the blanket up over his head, content to go right back to sleep. Then he heard Mattie’s voice through the door, “Chris, sweetie, you going to come eat? Or do you want me to bring you up a plate?”

He got up and made his way over to the door, unlocking it then cracking it open just a bit. “If you don’t mind,” was all he had to say. Mattie smiled up at him then turned and bounded down the stairs. Not five minutes later he was back, with two plates and two glasses of tea on a lap tray. He sat it in the middle of the bed then sat at the foot, curling his long skinny legs up underneath him. “Want to talk about it?” he asked, eyeing Chris somewhat knowingly.

“Would it matter if I said not really?” Chris asked the cunning pixie sitting on the foot of his bed.

“Hell no!” Mattie’s tone was serious despite the smile that spread across his face.

Chris slowly ate his meal, sharing his thoughts and feelings with Mattie in between bites and long swigs of tea. God how he loved Andrew’s fresh brewed sweet tea; it reminded him of his mom growing up. She would put a glass jug out on the porch half full of water with a handful of tea bags in the bottom. The thought made him frown, remembering happier times with his now non-existent family back in Alabama.

Mattie leaned in and placed his hand on Chris’s shoulder, “Listen to me Chris, I know you are still struggling with the guilt you carry over the accident. But just stop and think for a minute, would Amanda want you to spend the rest of your life alone? Torturing yourself over a shadow of the past, always remembering her as your dead girlfriend? Or would she want you to live your life the best possible way you knew how? To be happy and fall in love again?”

Chris just stared at him, speechless. He didn’t have an answer to any of those questions right then. And it wasn’t really like Mattie wanted any answers, the questions were more rhetorical than theoretic, so Chris just stayed silent, listening.

“I don’t think I need to blow smoke up your ass Chris. I’m certain you’ve worked out the ‘what if’s’ in your own mind until the pages are torn. What if you never got behind the wheel of the truck that night? You and Amanda could be happily married. You could be a big time football star with a wife and a litter of babies snapping at your heels.” The thought made Chris smile, a big cheesy open mouthed smile.

“What if Amanda had survived the wreck but been broken, or permanently scarred? Would she forgive you, or would she hate you? A person could think themselves right into a padded cell with the thoughts that have been rolling through that thick skull of yours for the last five years.” And with those words, Mattie thumped Chris in the forehead.
 

“Ouch, dammit Mattie!” Chris shrieked, rubbing his now sore head.

“I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason Chris, so here is a what if for you… What if the accident was supposed to happen? What if that beautiful soul was only on loan to you and her family for a little while?” Mattie reached up and wiped away the tear that rolled down Chris’s cheek with those spoken words.

Lowering his voice to barely a whisper, “What if you are meant to be here, with us, with Linc?” Mattie asked.

Chris opened his mouth, partly to protest and partly to suck in a breath. Mattie placed his fingers over Chris’s lips, effectively silencing him. “I’m young and blonde Chris, I’m not stupid. I see things, and I see more than most because I actually want to. You look at Linc different than anyone else, your eyes linger and sometimes I see a light behind the stare, a light I’ve only ever seen in you when you are thinking about happier times with Amanda, or when you are looking at him. He feels the same way, you know?”

Chris didn’t even have the energy to try and deny his knowledge of Linc’s attraction to him. He simply nodded his head, still afraid to speak. “Here’s what you need to do Chris, first, you have to forgive yourself because nothing will ever change if you continue to carry around so much pain and guilt. Even Jesus had to eventually put down the cross,” Mattie said in a playful tone. It seemed to work because Chris cracked up and fell back on his bed. They both laughed for a few minutes, laying there with Mattie’s head on his shoulder.

“Second, you might want to consider accepting the fact that you are attracted to Linc. I’d like to say third, admit that attraction out loud, but I’m a reasonable man, I’ll let you simmer for a while before I make you admit I’m right.” Mattie sighed and snuggled into Chris’s side.

For the first time in a long time, Chris started to feel like he could possibly move past all the pain he kept locked inside. For so many years he thought that if he let go of the past that he would forget. Forget how beautiful she was, so full of love and life, how her smile could light up a room. How he had failed her when he killed her. But Mattie was right, he’d only quoted the same things Michael and Max had been telling him for years, almost verbatim. It was eye opening to hear them from someone that was still sort of a stranger to him, someone on the outside looking in. And as far as his feelings for Linc were concerned, he decided to stop trying so hard to hide them, to pretend they weren’t exactly what they were. Attraction, want and need.

Chris was attracted to Linc. He wanted him; yes him, another man and so fucking what.
Love is love, right?
He needed to be honest with Linc and let the pieces fall where they would. Chris was exhausted and spent, his nerves rubbed raw from his conversation with Mattie. He turned and pulled his legs up onto the bed, stretching out and bringing Mattie’s smaller body along with him. He lay there eyes closed, smiling, rubbing Mattie’s back until he could feel the slight rumbling of faint snoring coming from the body stretched out next to him. For now, Chris would sleep. Tomorrow, he would talk to Linc.

~ Chapter 9 | Confessions ~

Chris woke the next morning feeling lighter than he had in a long time. He hadn’t even realized the weight of the guilt he carried until he opened himself up to the possibility of letting it go, of living his life going forward instead of in the past. But first, Chris needed to talk to Michael. Before he could talk himself out of it, Chris grabbed his phone off the bedside table and called his best friend.

At first Michael was pissed that Chris had woke them at the ass crack of dawn, but then he could hear the strain in Chris’s voice. “What is it, what’s wrong?” Michael asked, the concern evident in his voice.

“Sorry Mikey, nothing’s wrong, well not really. I’m fine. I just needed to talk to you.” Chris took a deep breath and let it all out. For the next twenty minutes he filled Michael in on everything that had happened since he met Victor, took the job and started staying out at the house in Mamaroneck. Some of it Michael knew, but not that Chris was hiding away these feelings for Linc. He barely wanted to admit it to himself until after his conversation with Mattie last night, much less his best friend who could see through all Chris’s bullshit.

The line was silent when Chris finished speaking and took a deep breath. He held the phone out in front of his face, checking to see that the call hadn’t dropped in the middle of his diatribe. “Mikey, you still there?”

“Yeah, just… wow. Chris, sweetie, I really want to be mad at you for not telling me first, you were still in so much pain over the accident, and second, that you were falling for a guy.” Michael truly sounded hurt. Then Chris could hear Max’s faint voice in the background.

“Did you just say Chris, our Chris, straight Chris, is falling for a guy?”

“Shut your face! I can’t hear, I’ll tell you later!” Michael’s voice came through muffled, probably holding his hand over the phone as he shushed his boyfriend.

“Okay, so, don’t get pissy, but I have to ask. Are you sure you have feelings for this guy? Or are you maybe having difficulty separating business and pleasure.” Michael kept his tone neutral.

Chris let out a noise that was equal parts snort, laugh and groan. “Yeah, Michael, I’m sure. I’ve spent the last month trying to convince myself I didn’t feel something more than friendship for Linc, but I can’t anymore. I just feel like this is right you know, like I have to tell him how I feel and see where the pieces fall. I guess I just wanted to hear your opinion first.”

Michael snorted, “Well, you don’t do anything small do you? Not only a guy, but a gay porn star no less.”

“Yeah, well, you know me. Go big or go home, right?” Chris joked.

“In all seriousness Christopher, I love you, you’re my best friend and all I’ve ever wanted was for you to put the past behind you and find someone you could be happy with. Someone to make you smile again the way she did. And if it’s this guy, this Linc, then fuck it all and go for it sweetie!” They talked for a few more minutes, Michael gushing about their cruise, before Chris apologized again for waking him and they said goodbye. After hanging up he showered and bounced downstairs in search of coffee and Linc.

Coffee in hand, Chris headed out the back door and down the steps. He sat down on the bottom step leaning back and closing his eyes, just soaking in the sun on his face, the breeze that brushed his hair and the sounds of the water hitting the rocks below him. The all too familiar sound of the back screen door slamming shut told Chris that he was no longer alone in his thoughts. He opened one eye and was met with a crooked, brown eyed smile.