G'Day to Die (4 page)

“Then why are you taking pictures of
us
?” Bernice asked, snorting. “Our group was in the visitor center when she died.”

“I’m not gonna have no one accusin’ me a discrimination.” She held on to a corner of the photo as it developed. “One down.”

“Oh! That reminds me.” I presented my punch glass to Bernice. “Would you mind holding that for a sec?” Major exploration of my shoulder bag required two hands. I fished around until I found what I was looking for, then handed it to Nana. “Does that look familiar?”

“Well, would you lookit that.” She stared at the Polaroid, puffing her cheeks out in confusion. “It’s my pretty pink flower in the brambles. But what are you doin’ with it, Emily? I thought I had it with me.”

“I found it back at Port Campbell, lying on the ground by the walkway on the cliff. Do you have any idea how it got there?”

“I don’t rightly know, dear. I s’pose somebody could a walked off with it when my pictures was makin’ the rounds, but why would anyone want a picture a my wildflower?”

Bernice shoved my glass back at me and eyed Nana’s photo. “Good question. It’s not even centered.”

“Here’s the missus,” said Conrad, escorting a white-haired lady with heavily rouged cheeks toward us. “This is Ellie,” he said proudly, beaming as we went through all the introductions.

“You mind me gettin’ a photo a you two?” Nana dropped her photos on a nearby table and waved Conrad and his wife together.

“Is there a photography contest going on?” Conrad asked, a little perplexed. “Why is everyone taking so many pictures?”

“Scrapbookin’,” Nana said. “It’s the latest craze. Big smiles now.”
Bzzzzt.
She set the ejected print on the table, then motioned Conrad and Ellie to join her. “It’ll be a real picture in no time at all. You wanna watch it develop? It can get pretty excitin’ at the end.”

Osmond arrived with a plate of goodies. “Would anyone like to try one of the crocodile macadamia brochettes? I got extra. They taste pretty good.”

Bernice bit into one just as Burl Ives surrendered the air waves to a trio of female vocalists who started belting out the ever-popular, “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window.” Oh, God.

Bernice’s face screwed up in immediate revulsion. “Yuck! What’s wrong with your taste buds, Osmond? This tastes like burned tailpipe.”

“Give it back then.” He plucked it out of her hand and tossed it back on the plate. “You’re a pain in the neck, Bernice. You don’t like the appetizers; you don’t like the heat; you don’t like the scenery; you don’t like your room; you don’t like to part with your money; you don’t like people. Can you name one thing you
do
like?”

Stunned into silence by Osmond’s rampage, she pursed her lips and cocked her head toward the speaker system, saying in a small voice, “I like the music.”

“This is extraordinary,” Conrad exclaimed as he bent over Nana’s photos.

“What’d I tell you?” Nana said. “Watchin’ them pixels come together makes your heart race, don’t it?”

“I’m not talking about the photo you just shot.” He lifted a print off the table. “I’m talking about
this
. Do you know what this is?”

“A flower.”

“Do you remember where you took it?”

“I shot it back at them Twelve Apostles this afternoon. Along that cliff walk.”

Conrad’s voice trembled with excitement. “Marion, do you know what you’ve stumbled upon?”

I caught Conrad’s eye. “What did she find? A rare primrose or something?”

He was struggling not to hyperventilate. “The flower is as common as a beach pebble. But do you see this plant growing beside it?” He stabbed his forefinger at the wild greenery in the background. “It’s extinct!”

“No kiddin’?” Nana regarded the photo with her usual calm. “I betcha someone just forgot where to look for it. My Sam was always misplacin’ stuff. ‘Specially batteries. After he died, we found enough nine-volt coppertops in his electric socks drawer to keep the Energizer Bunny goin’ ’til his fur falls out.”

Conrad gasped for air. “It’s been extinct for over a hundred
million
years.”

N
ana’s jaw dropped halfway to her waist. If she hadn’t been wearing denture cream with extra hold, her uppers would have been history. She gave Conrad’s shoulder a playful thwack. “You’re pullin’ my leg.”

“It’s the truth! This plant belongs to a family of angiosperms that no one has seen for a millennia. Do you know what this means?”

“Eyesight’s improved through the years?”

“It means, it’s back! This plant might have properties that could unlock the great puzzles of medical science—cures for cancer, heart disease, obesity. It could be a fountain of youth for the elderly. An elixir for the infirm. A cure for male pattern baldness!”

“Do you suppose it could do anything for irregularity?” asked Margi. “That’s a real common complaint at the clinic.”

Bernice studied the photo over Conrad’s shoulder. “If you’re expecting it to do all that, you’re gonna need more than one crummy plant.”

“Are you absolutely sure about this?” Tilly asked. “How does a plant that’s been extinct for hundreds of thousands of years suddenly turn up at a local tourist site?”

“It’s very simple,” Conrad enthused. “Plants that thrived when the earth was one solid landmass couldn’t survive the climatic changes when the continents split apart, so they died out. But on this continent, the climatic changes were less dramatic. The plants that died everywhere else not only survived here, they flourished. Australia boasts over twenty-five thousand species of plants. Think of it!”

Our thinking was accompanied by clueless staring and silence. “Is twenty-five thousand a lot?” I finally inquired. Hey, somebody had to ask the tough questions.

“As a comparison, Britain is home to only sixteen hundred species. Australia is a stew of botanical surprises. No one knows what’s in the jungles because they’re too dense to explore; no one knows what’s in the interior because it’s too hostile to survey; and the country has neither the financial resources nor the manpower to remedy the situation. Believe it or not, there are still eight thousand unnamed species of plants in government labs waiting to be classified.” He crushed the photo to his chest, delight jacking his eyebrows to his hairline. “I’m beside myself. This type of angiosperm has never been known to exist this far south!”

I knew exactly how thrilled Conrad must be to have an extinct species reappear. I’d felt the same heart-pounding excitement when Clinique reintroduced a lipstick shade they’d discontinued years ago. “Should we be telling someone about this? A natural history museum? A university? Some government agency?”

“I’ll call the University of Melbourne right away,” Conrad said. “If their School of Botany can’t help me, they should be able to direct me to someone who can.”

“It’s after hours, dear,” Ellie reminded him. “They won’t be answering their phones.”

“They won’t?” He checked his wristwatch, looking surprised at the hour. “But they have to answer. This is an emergency. It won’t wait until morning.” He wrung his hands in panic. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“I seen a couple a guest computers in the front lobby,” Nana spoke up. “If I was you, I’d log on to the university’s website, find the faculty directory, and phone one a them botany professors at home. That’d probably work.”

He studied Nana for a heartbeat. “Here’s your photo. I’ll be right back.” He took off for the elevator.

Ellie patted Nana’s arm. “Bless you, dear. Even though he belongs to that organization for people with genius IQs, simple problems often stump him. Our life together would have been much easier if he’d been a moron.” With a long-suffering sigh, she scurried after him, returning a short time later with a beaming Conrad in tow.

“It worked out splendidly,” he chirped. “I talked to the head of the School of Botany himself, and he was so excited to talk to me. They use my textbook for their introductory botany courses! I’m apparently quite the luminary with the fossils people. Dr. Limeburner even mentioned my autographing a few textbooks before I fly back home, complete with media coverage. You see? This reinforces what I’ve always said: the farther you get from home, the more—”

Ellie elbowed his ribs. “Tell them what he said about Marion’s photo, dear.”

“He’s going to send a team to Port Campbell tomorrow.” He grinned at Nana. “Your trip Down Under could turn out to be momentous, Marion. You might end up with your name on a new species of angiosperm!”

“Are those the ones with the good or bad motility?” Dick Teig inquired.

Conrad went on breathlessly. “And your timing couldn’t be better. Dr. Limeburner informed me that in two weeks, the International Society of Botanists meets here, so Melbourne will be crawling with scientists who’ll be able to confirm the discovery. I’ll warn you right now, Marion, you’re going to be famous.”

“No kiddin’? Are they gonna need my Polaroid so’s they know what they’re lookin’ for?”

“They should be fine without it. I told Dr. Limeburner they should concentrate on the underbrush along the cliff walk, and to use your pink wildflower as a marker. If the plant is there, they’ll find it. Any botanist worth his salt should be able to recognize this variety of angiosperm.”

“GIT OUT OF MY FACE, YOU FREAKING DRONGO!”

Toward the rear of the room Lola Silverthorn propelled her husband backward with a two-handed shove to his chest. He hit the wall with a resounding
BOOM!,
then spat out a curse as an oversized art print came crashing down on him in a hailstorm of glass, leaving him in a motionless heap.

Gasps. Cries. Lola nodded with satisfaction and dusted off her hands. “No worries, Hinry. I’ll pay the damages.” Ruffling her shaggy hair, she thrust out one curvaceous hip and eyed the room at large. “So which one of you handsome mates wants to buy me a real drink?”

Pandemonium erupted. Henry punched a number on his cell. Guy Madelyn corralled Lola and rushed her to a neutral corner. Duncan and Etienne scrambled through the shattered glass to lift the heavy frame off Jake. Several guests attacked the buffet while the waiting line was down. “I’m CPR certified,” yelled Conrad as he raced toward Jake’s inert body.

Nana hovered close beside me, watching with rapt attention. “You think he’s dead?”

“Oh, Lord, he can’t be.” Two deaths in one day would be pretty extreme even for one of
my
tours.

“That’s a crime.” Helen Teig waved her punch glass toward Jake. “Reframing that print is going to cost someone a bundle.”

“Shhhhhh!” Bernice hissed. “Listen.” She glided her hand like a conductor’s baton through the air.
“‘Que Sera, Sera
.’ I haven’t heard this in years. No one sings it like Peggy Lee.”

“It’s not Peggy Lee,” Margi piped up. “It’s Doris Day.”

“Is not,” said Bernice.

“Is so,” said Margi.

“Are you sure it’s not Gisele MacKenzie?” asked Alice.

“Show of hands!” Osmond shouted.

While Osmond tallied the votes, I angled a look at the Polaroid Nana still clutched, my pulse suddenly quickening as I was struck by an improbable thought.
Oh, my God. Could that be why Claire had left the visitor center?

I fired a glance at Conrad; I fired a look back at the photo.
Uff da
. If my hunch was right, I’d just solved the riddle.

“Sippelspermum australianse,”
announced Tilly an hour later. We were in my room on the twenty-first floor, decompressing. “Or would you prefer,
Marionspermum australianse?”

“I’d rather have my name on a candy bar,” Nana said as she unlaced her sneakers. “They done that for Babe Ruth. I want mine with caramel and chocolate but no nuts. Old folks can’t chew nuts real good, especially if they don’t got teeth.” She leaned back in her chair, her feet dangling high above the floor. “Awful shame about the ‘Meet and Greet’ comin’ to such a quick end.”

I kicked off my shoes and fell back on the bed. “Yeah, policemen and paramedics can have that effect on a friendly gathering.”

A team of strapping paramedics had carted Jake off to the hospital, while a couple of seriously buff police officers had dealt with Lola. Made me wonder where Melbourne’s emergency services recruiting offices were located. Male strip clubs?

“It was extremely kind of your two young men to ride along with Jake to the hospital,” Tilly commented. “Henry assigned the task to the right people. They’re quite responsible, aren’t they?”

“Responsible. Dependable.” I made a sweeping gesture around the room. “Conspicuously absent.”

To be fair, Henry would have volunteered for ambulance duty himself if Lola hadn’t wrapped herself around his legs, begging him not to abandon her when she was in such desperate need of moral support. So he’d agreed to babysit Lola at the police station and had asked Etienne and Duncan to accompany Jake.

“You s’pose Lola’s gonna have to spend the night in the pokey?” Nana asked.

I gave her a palms’ up. “That’ll probably depend on how kindly Jake is feeling toward her and whether he decides to press charges. Do you think he’ll even be able to give the police a statement?”

“His cuts looked relatively superficial,” Tilly said. “I doubt they’ll keep him overnight. But I’m concerned that Lola may prove to be a disruptive force throughout the whole tour. She’s loud; she’s obnoxious; and did you notice how she hogged Guy’s entire photo session this evening?”

“The only reason he was takin’ her picture so much was on account a she was wearin’ one a them atomic outfits,” said Nana. She lifted her eyebrows and smiled impishly. “He was waitin’ for the fallout. Did you see the size a them puppies? When she’s my age, she can use ’em for a scarf.”

“Well, I think Guy is very generous to take professional pictures of everyone. He probably makes a habit of doing nice things for people”—I stared pointedly at Nana—“like offering them jobs that pay six figures.”

“Forgot all about that.” Sighing, she pulled some loose photos out of her pocketbook and studied them critically. “I don’t know, dear. It’s real flatterin’ to catch the eye of an expert, but every one a these pictures looks pretty ordinary to me.”

“Do you have your angiosperm photo handy?”

She sailed it across the room to me; I scrutinized it under the light. “I have a theory about your photo, Nana, but I need you to double-check something on your laptop to see if it holds water.”

“I love listenin’ to them theories a yours, dear. They’re always so…” She whipped the air with her hand as she searched for the right word.

“Wrong?” I offered.

“I was thinkin’ more like, ‘earnest.’”

“What’s our assignment?” asked Tilly.

“Here’s the scoop. Claire Bellows told me she had to attend a scientific meeting in Melbourne after our tour ended. Would you access the International Society of Botanists online, and if they have a listing for registrants of the Melbourne conference, see if Claire Bellows’s name is on it?”

Nana’s mouth rounded into an O. “You think she was a botanist?”

“If she was, it would explain why she went outside, what she was looking for, and why your photo was never returned. You heard Conrad say that any botanist worth his salt would be able to recognize this angiosperm. If she identified the plant when your photos were making the rounds, she could have slipped your Polaroid in her shirt pocket and went out searching for it when Henry announced we were being delayed. She probably had your photo in her hand when she collapsed, and the wind blew it away. If she’d discovered the angiosperm on her own, it would have been her ticket to shattering the glass ceiling where she worked. She told me she’d have to reinvent the wheel to get any recognition. I’d guess that finding a plant that’s been extinct for a hundred million years would be the botanical equivalent, wouldn’t you?”

“Bellowspermum australianse,
” Tilly muttered. “Has a nice ring to it.”

“We’re on the case,” said Nana as she retied her sneakers.

I regarded her photo once more, another thought occurring to me. “Do you know how many total snapshots you took at the Twelve Apostles?”

“Three film packets, so that’d be twenty-four photos.”

“Would you count them when you go back to your room and make sure you have all twenty-four?”

“You bet. Are you thinkin’ that Bellows woman mighta run off with more than one?”

“Don’t know, but it won’t hurt to check.” I held up her photo. “Do you want your angiosperms back?”

“How ’bout you put it in your room safe for me, dear. If it’s what Conrad says it is, Tilly and me don’t want it nowhere around us. Last thing we wanna do is relive Hawaii.”

After seeing them out, I slid my closet door open and knelt to examine the small safe located inside. I read the operating instructions, and after ten frustrating minutes of fiddling with the key pad and passwords, finally got the system to work.

Knock, knock, knock.

“Be right there!” I yelled, a little stunned. In the time it had taken me to secret away one measly photo, Nana had completed a major computer search and was back with her results. This was
so
typical. Of course, it probably helped that her room was directly opposite mine.