Gena/Finn (28 page)

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Authors: Kat Helgeson

BOOK: Gena/Finn
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in Charlie's notebook

Hi Gena. You left this in the kitchen and I thought you might want it. I'll be playing Halo if you need anything.

—Charlie

I'm here but you're not. invisHalo! --Gena

I took out the trash!!

Where the hell did YOU go, is the question.

Well. This seems like an opportunity for a treasure hunt. Let's see how quickly you find this.

gena was on the fire escape

the question is

WHERE AM I

--notebook

Notebook,

Are you sentient? You must know so many secrets. Tell me everything.

—Charlie

do my pages know secrets?

let's see if they do

if you've found where i'm hiding

you've found the next clue

--notebook

I found you in

my tv tower

after searching for

a fucking hour

but the question is

as questions be

did you note what was

underneath me?

uh. what?

for the ease

of your finding

i've slipped the clue under

a door so sliding

this picture's from the set of man of the house

it must have been the day you shot that thanksgiving scene
I remember your ugly sweater

is that why you were crying?

in fact it was!

i didn't know you watched.

Zack was my age, and it was a family show.
We always watched on holidays.
My mom used to say you were cute.

my mom said i had too-big eyes like a bug.

they still call me that.

if you're a bug you're a Tardigrade

which is a super tough bug that can survive in a vacuum

(I just Googled that.)

i used to think that

about surviving in vacuums

i used to live like that.

shrunk up and vacuum-sealed.

put me anywhere.

why do you write poems on your shoes?

in retrospect, it's dumb to think it was only because

no one had ever gotten you a notebook

so if people try to read them when i don't want them to

i can kick them in the face

god. it's a bad day.

I'll make you macaroni and cheese with bacon for dinner.

If you don't like bacon you can always pick it out, which will

be adventurous.

i do.

the truth is

we were friends when we were little because we were together

we were friends because people told us to be friends

conveniently i loved him and i think he loved me

but we didn't talk for ten years,

and we had some nice emails before he died

and i told him i was in love with your girlfriend'

the truth is

i didn't know him that well

and in the middle i had jake.

how do you NOT be a fangirl? how do you not do it?

how do you just love one person

how do you just choose everyone's real person.

you don't.

the truth is

your heart is stronger than you think it is

and bigger than you think it is

the truth is

loving someone isn't a period

it's a semicolon

and the choice you make is what comes

on the other side

maybe it's a picket fence and a subaru and 2.5 kids

maybe it's a fantasy world that lives in your computer

maybe it's a guild

maybe it's a fandom

maybe it's the last thing you ever expected

loving someone means whatever you decide it means

that's the choice

really

i love you charlie

are you gonna watch the premiere with us?

if you want me.

I'd love to.

carefully folded, tucked in the back of Charlie's notebook

our counselor says

you didn't get to choose what happened to you

you don't get to choose if it still hurts you

you get to choose if you put it in your sentence about yourself.

So here is my sentence.

I love you, Zack

and fuck all the rest of it.

from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 10:14 AM
subject: Girls shopping day!

Dear Stephanie,

Angie and Lydia were here last weekend. We all went shopping. I've attached a picture of them holding up their new sundresses. We all missed you and wished you were here. Will we see you soon?

I got a seed packet from my subscription service in the mail. Sunflowers. I'm thinking of planting them in their own little patch in the backyard, but sunflowers are kind of garish, aren't they? I wonder what you think. Would that be too dramatic? Do you think the neighbors would complain?

I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope everything's going well.

All my love,
Mom

from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date:
None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!

Everything's great! This picture is great! Looks like you guys had a really good

from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date:
None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!

I wish I could have been there! I love Lydia's dress. Angie's looks too orange for her. Maybe we can

from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 2:39 PM
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!

hi mom.

glad you and ang and lyd had fun. they look great here.

no, sunflowers aren't too garish. I think they'd be pretty. and if the neighbors complain they can take a walk. it's your yard.

to tell you the truth, things aren't going so well and they haven't been for a while.

from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 4:57 PM
subject: RE: Girls shopping day!

What's wrong? Is it Charlie? Are you two fighting? Is it something with the job? Can I do anything to help you? You know I'm always in your corner, Stephanie. You can always depend on your parents to help you if you need it.

All our love,
Mom & Dad

from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 3:16 PM
subject: issues

thanks you guys.

things with Charlie are okay. we had kind of a bad patch, but I think we've worked it out. it was rough for a while. but it's Charlie.

to tell you the truth, and please, please don't start calling everyone and telling them this, especially not angie and lyd because you know they'll be all over my case about it, but I think we actually might get married.

not that he's asked. not that I've said yes. but I feel sort of like if he did, I would. I just feel like he knows me as well as any one person can and still loves me, and after almost four years I still love him, and...you know? I've never done this before. is that how it's supposed to feel?

anyway, that's future stuff. for the time being I'm happy with the way we are.

the job...well, I lost the job. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm sorry I can't figure out how to be gainfully employed. I'm sorry I'm letting you down. I'm broke and embarrassed and it feels awful, and as much as I want to stay here and live this life, I might not be able to afford it much longer.

the truth is, my best friend was in a bad accident, and now she's got some kind of post traumatic stress thing and no money to pay for the drugs she needs. she's living on our couch and I've been paying for group therapy because I can't afford the one on one kind, and my savings account is dry and her aunt has been sending money for her meds, but I don't think Evie ever told her how much they cost and I don't feel comfortable asking this woman for money, and anyway I can't use that to pay the bills, obviously.

So things are pretty messed up right now.

from: Joan Bartlett
to: Finn Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 5:44 PM
subject: RE: issues

Oh, Sweetheart.

You should have told us you were in trouble. Of course we're not disappointed.

You stay strong, like you always do. We are so proud of you, Stephanie. Helping a friend in trouble – that's exactly the kind of girl you've always been, ever since you were young. Is this friend someone we know? She's lucky to have you in her life.

We have some extra money that was earmarked for you, since you won a scholarship and your sisters didn't. Would that give you some breathing room until you're able to find a new job?

Love,
Mom & Dad

from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date:
None. Saved to Drafts.
subject: RE: issues

no, I can't

from: Finn Bartlett
to: Joan Bartlett
cc: Paul Bartlett
date: Monday, November 3 4:01 PM
subject: thank you

I don't know what to say.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for believing in me.
I love you both.

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