Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (8 page)

May 19th:

Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not full of kunst.

So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see Kiki because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of ‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”

So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.

So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of 2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad because he said he was 100 per cent of an American and it served the Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans.

May 20th:

Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement.

May 21st:

Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is suffer.

But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr. Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and always hope for the best.

May 25th:

So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the best after all.

But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged.

May 27th:

Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yesterday he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep.

May 29th:

Things are really getting to be quite a strain. Because yesterday Mr. Spoffard and Mr. Eisman were both in the lobby of the Bristol hotel and I had to pretend not to see both of them. I mean it is quite an easy thing to pretend not to see one gentleman, but it is a quite hard thing to pretend not to see two gentlemen. So something has really got to happen soon, or I will have to admit that things seem to be happening that are not for the best.

So this afternoon Dorothy and I had an engagement to meet Count Salm for tea at four o’clock, only you do not call it tea at Vienna but you seem to call it “yowzer” and you do not drink tea at Vienna but you drink coffee instead. I mean it is quite unusual to see all of the gentlemen at Vienna stop work, to go to yowzer about one hour after they have all finished their luncheon, but time really does not seem to mean so much to Viennese gentlemen except time to get to the coffee house, which they all seem to know by instincts, or else they really do not seem to mind if they make a mistake and get there to early. Because Mr. Eisman says that when it is time to attend to the button profession, they really seem to lose all of their interest until Mr. Eisman is getting so nervous he could scream.

So we went to Deimels and met Count Salm. But while we were having yowzer with Count Salm, we saw Mr. Spoffard’s mother come in with her companion Miss Chapman, and Miss Chapman seemed to look at me quite a lot and talk to Mr. Spoffards mother about me quite a lot. So I became quite nervous, because I really wished that we were not with Count Salm. I mean it has been quite a hard thing to make Mr. Spoffard think that I am trying to reform Dorothy, but if I had to try to make him think that I was trying to reform Count Salm, he might begin to think that there is a limit to almost everything. So Mr. Spoffards mother seems to be deaf, because she seems to use an ear trumpet and I really could not help over hearing quite a lot of words that Miss Chapman was using on me, even if it is not such good etiquet to overhear people. So Miss Chapman seemed to be telling Mr. Spoffards mother that I was a “creature,” and she seemed to be telling her that I was the real reason why her son seemed to be so full of nothing but neglect lately. So then Mr. Spoffards mother looked at me and looked at me, even if it was not such good etiquet to look at a person. And Miss Chapman kept right on talking to Mr. Spoffards mother and I heard her mention Willie Gwynn and I think that Miss Chapman has been making some inquiries about me and I really think that she has heard about the time when all of the family of Willie Gwynn had quite a long talk with me and persuaded me not to marry Willie Gwynn for $10,000. So I really wish Mr. Spoffard would introduce me to his mother before she gets to be full of quite a lot of prejudice. Because one thing seems to be piling up on top of another thing, until I am almost on the verge of getting nervous and I have not had any time yet to do what Dr. Froyd said a girl ought to do.

So tonight I am going to tell Mr. Eisman that I have got to go to bed early, so then I can take quite a long ride with Mr. Spoffard and look at nature, and he may say something definite, because nothing makes gentlemen get so definite as looking at nature when it is moonlight.