Geronimo (A Songbird Novel) (7 page)

Chapter Nine

Jane

Two weeks.

I couldn’t believe it had come to an end so quickly.

I’d laughed more in that short time than I had in an entire year. Harry’s humor, his funny little quips, made the trip so easy and light. We’d talked about so much and not enough. We’d experienced so many cool things. My list was covered with lines, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep crossing them off without him.

But I was due back home.

I had a life waiting for me in America.

And Harry had a life in Rye.

We’d agreed from the outset that we’d live life to the max and then go our separate ways. That was why the trip worked so well, because there was an end. We couldn’t do it forever.

After everything I’d gone through with Blake, I didn’t think I could do anything for forever.

The Bambino doors clunked closed. I ran my hand over the roof of the little car, loving its sunshine yellow coating. I thought it’d be a cramped nightmare, but Harry was right. My travel story was made ten times cooler by going in Yambi.

“I’ll miss you,” I whispered to the car before following Harry to my rental.

I pressed the key and the car unlocked before he reached it. I made sure to study Harry’s arms as he lifted my pack into the trunk.

He really did have delicious arms.

I could still feel them around me when we danced, the pressure of his fingers on my back as he held me close. I’d dreamed about it every night since it’d happened, but he’d been true to his word and hadn’t tried it on again.

I was grateful…and disappointed.

I frowned and reprimanded myself. “Grateful. You’re grateful,” I muttered under my breath.

Ambling to a stop, I leaned against the hood of the car and gave Harry a closed-mouth smile as he paused in front of me. Sliding his hands into his pockets, he squinted against the sunlight and mirrored my grin.

“Well, I hope you’re feeling thoroughly discovered.”

I snickered and looked down at my fingers while I fidgeted with the car keys. I couldn’t tell him I wasn’t. I mean, I was, but I also stood there feeling incredibly lost, because I was about to leave him…and be all alone again.

Except for Blake.

I forced the reminder through my head. I still had Blake. He’d always be with me.

“Well, I guess you should get going. Don’t want you missing that flight.”

“No.” I shook my head, biting my lips against telling him where I was flying to.

It seemed strange that he knew so much about me, yet so little.

We’d avoided all those specific details and basically stuck to who we were on the inside. I felt like Harry knew a huge part of my heart and soul yet still didn’t know who I was.

It was all so confusing, and I couldn’t help a frown.

“Oh, come here, you.” Harry didn’t wait for permission; he just scooped me into his arms, lifting me off the ground before placing me back on my tiptoes and holding me tight against him.

I dug my fingers into his shoulders and pressed my lips against his shirt.

Neither of us wanted to let go.

And I didn’t know who’d have the courage to back out first.

“I think I’m in love with you.” Harry whispered the words so softly I wasn’t sure if I was imagining them.

My insides froze, my eyes popping wide as I stared over his shoulder at the old brick building across the street.

I had two ways of dealing with his words.

And the coward in me pretended not to hear them.

“I had a wonderful time.” I kissed his cheek and pulled out of the embrace. Squeezing his arms, my mind flashed with an image of his naked body by the waterfall. I swallowed down my desire and stepped back, bumping into the car and letting out a shaky laugh. “You were a great travel partner, and I’m so grateful for everything you did for me.”

He forced a bright smile, but his eyes said something else. I really hoped he assumed I hadn’t heard him. He obviously didn’t have the courage to repeat himself, and I turned for my door before he found it.

Shutting the door for me, he leaned down, and I lowered the window so he could say his final goodbye.

“You take care of yourself, Georjana. May you get everything your heart desires.” His smile was heartfelt yet bleak. I gazed into his hazel eyes and had to resist the urge to lean forward and kiss him.

If I did, I’d never be able to leave.

And I couldn’t stay, because I was in love with another man. Sure, he was dead, but that didn’t matter. Blake owned my heart.

Harry and I only worked because we were in this magical holiday bubble. I couldn’t bring him into my normal life. I couldn’t fall in love again. I wasn’t willing to risk it.

Besides, he had his nan to look after and I had a life in LA. I couldn’t just ditch my students and move to England!

Turning the key with stiff, awkward fingers, I gripped the wheel and stared at the road before me.

“I’ll never forget you, Harry.” I sucked in a breath and accelerated away before he could say anything more to turn me.

Tears filled my eyes as I headed out of Rye, but I bit my bottom lip and told myself I was doing the right thing.

It was nearly a three-hour trip to Heathrow Airport, and by the time I finally got there the mantra was a painful earworm in my brain, chipping away at my resolve and tainting what had been two of the best weeks of my life.

Chapter Ten

Harry

I stood outside The Whistle Inn until Mrs. Pimberton walked up and asked me if I was feeling okay. I nodded, forced a smile, and then petted her doe-eyed King Charles Spaniel. My insides were quiet and ash-like, crumbling to pieces as I drove home to Nan’s.

I wanted to be annoyed with myself for not telling Jane again, but when she hadn’t heard me, I figured it was a sign. Maybe I wasn’t meant to love her.

We’d just had the best two weeks of our lives, but if we tried to turn it into something more, it no doubt wouldn’t work. Love didn’t last.

At least not for me.

Fear had held me back in the past, or maybe it was complacency. I thought Tammy had been a sure thing. I didn’t need to marry her to prove I loved her.

As far as I was concerned, marriage didn’t mean a thing.

It didn’t for my parents, anyway.

Tammy never got it though. We’d been together a year when she started making hints about it. Two years later she told it to me straight—
I need you, Harry. Please, do this with me.

I thought she was being overly dramatic and just shrugged her off.

And then I never saw her again.

My throat was thick when I tried to swallow, my jaw aching when I clenched it. Watching Jane drive away brought it all back again. The loss. The aching hole left behind.

Parking the car, I unloaded my gear and trudged inside. Nan was in the lounge, her nose buried in a book, her forehead wrinkled in concentration. Her hands trembled when she slowly turned the page, but it didn’t seem to bother her.

In spite of my unsettled innards, I had to smile. Nan was the sweetest thing on the planet. There was no doubt about it.

“Hey, Nan,” I greeted softly, resting against the wooden doorframe.

“Oh, hello, love.” She placed the book in her lap and stretched her arms wide.

Dropping my pack, I maneuvered around the furniture and bent down to kiss her.

“You all right?”

She patted my shoulder and gave me a loud kiss on the cheek. “Good as gold, darling. You made good time back.”

“Yeah, well…” I shrugged, standing tall and sliding my hands into my pockets. “She had a flight to catch.”

Nan’s wrinkled face filled with compassion.

I cleared my throat and turned away from that wise old gaze. Clapping my hands together, I gave them a rub and headed for the stairs. “Right, better get back to work, then. Got a bit of catching up to do.”

“It’s okay to be sad, Harry.”

I raised my hand to acknowledge her. “Right then, Nan. Just call me if you need anything.”

She didn’t reply, and I was guessing she’d slumped back in her seat, watching me run down the stairs in denial.

Sad.

I didn’t want to feel it.

I didn’t want to feel anything.

Throwing my pack on the floor, I kicked it out of the way and stalked to my desk. Gently laying my computer bag on the seat, I took out my laptop and got to work setting it up how I liked it. Within five minutes I was back online and ready to jump into a technological sea where my brain did all the work and my heart could shut down for a while.

Pressing the space bar, I got my music pumping. It’d get me in the right zone.

But it didn’t work, because Tammy’s favorite song started playing, and I found myself sitting on the floor by the bookshelf staring at a picture of my love while “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” played in the background.

Lifting the white frame off the shelf, I ran my finger over her face.

“So, I, uh… I met someone. Finally. Bet you thought I never would.” I blinked, my eyes suddenly burning. “I don’t know what it is about her, she’s just…” I shrugged. “We laughed a lot. I tried to be exactly what she needed and ended up falling for her. Crazy, isn’t it? I didn’t think I could ever love anyone again after you, but my heart’s telling me something different. I don’t even know what to do with it, really. I mean, I tried to tell her that I thought I was in love with her, but she didn’t hear me.” I shook my head. “Probably for the best, right? I shouldn’t be spouting love if I can’t follow through with it.”

I traced Tammy’s smile and winced. “Can’t believe I said it anyway. It took me months to find the courage to tell you. I’m so sorry, Tam. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you every day.” I sniffed, guilt roaring through me. “I should have asked you to marry me like you wanted.” Pressing my forehead against the glass, I sucked in a breath and murmured, “She’s gone now. And you’re gone, and I should be getting back to work. But I don’t know if I can. The last two weeks showed me just how bloody miserable I am without you.” My voice cracked. “I miss you, Tammy. I’m sorry I was too late. I’m so sorry.”

My wobbly voice petered away, and all I was left with was the soft ukulele strum of Tammy’s favorite song and a brain full of bittersweet memories to torture me.

Memories of what I once had, what I’d just experienced, and what I’d let slip through my fingers. Any decent man would have jumped from his bed and raced to the airport, pulled off one of those dramatic airport kisses that made the girls swoon.

But I couldn’t chase Jane.

She didn’t want me to.

And if I was honest, I didn’t know if I had the heart to try.

Losing one woman had been hard enough. If I let myself fall completely in love with Jane, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get over her.

The right thing to do was to let her go and move on while I still could.

We’d had our two utopian weeks, and they’d have to be enough.

Chapter Eleven

Jane

“So your trip was amazing, then?” Sarah probed a little more as she drove me home from the airport.

I nodded and gave her a closed-mouth smile. I was worried if I opened my mouth the truth would spill out, and I didn’t want to utter a word until I could figure out what the hell I was feeling.

“Can’t believe you were so adventurous.” Sarah’s eyes sparkled. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too.” Patting her leg, I tried to veer the conversation away from me. “You and Justin.”

Sarah’s smile was pure relief. “I know.”

“Glad he came to his senses.”

“Me too! Although, he had every right to take his time.” Sarah’s face crested with sadness and guilt.

Great, so now we’re both feeling that way.

I spent the entire flight stressing over the fact I ignored Harry’s words. It was mean and rude and…

But I didn’t know what to say!

I never expected him to fall in love with me, and I never expected to…

I closed my eyes.

No, I didn’t love him.

I was in love with Blake.

I shouldn’t have felt guilty at all for ignoring him. I saved us both an awkward conversation.

So why did I feel so restless…and sad?

“Anyway.” Sarah shrugged as if trying to bump the nasty business she and Justin went through off her shoulders. “That’s in the past and we’re moving forward. We’re never going to put ourselves through that again. Living without him sucked on so many levels.”

“Well, I’m glad you’ve found your way,” I murmured, gazing out the window so she couldn’t see my face.

“More importantly, have you found your way?”

I bobbed my head. “Yeah, yeah, I think so.”

Sarah expelled a breathy giggle. “Your accent has kicked in big time. You’re sounding all British again. Which surprises me because didn’t you spend most of your break in Europe? Did you hang out with some British tourists or something?”

I whipped back to look at Sarah, my eyes bulging, but she was too busy wiggling her eyebrows and watching the road to notice my giveaway blush.

Tucking my bangs behind my ear, I turned to look back out the window and scrambled for a casual sounding explanation. “You know me. It only takes an hour of British company to get me speaking like this. The flight attendants were enough.” I pushed out a laugh.

“Oh man, I was really hoping you were going to say you met some sexy guy on a beach in Spain or something.”

“What?” I squeaked.

Sarah laughed and glanced at me. “Come on, wouldn’t that have made a great story? Some European affair to get your blood racing again.”

“Sarah Louise Doyle, wash your mouth. I’m not interested in some foreign tryst. I went to figure out how to live on my own.”

“And did you?”

I forced my head to bob up and down, although I couldn’t deny that I’d failed miserably. I learned to live with Harry…and I absolutely loved it.

Couldn’t believe I’d spent all that money to travel halfway around the world only to be right back at square one. I’d forever miss Blake, but now I was missing Harry too.

Leaning back against the headrest, I held in my sigh as my apartment building came into view.

Here I was again, about to start a new school year and wondering how I was going to survive it.

*****

My classroom was empty.

The desks were bunched in groups of four, ready for the students to arrive the following week. I’d redone the walls with new posters, and everything was looking neat and tidy, just the way I liked it. My new students wouldn’t keep it that way for long, but I’d do my best.

“To Make You Feel My Love” played from my stereo, filling me with nostalgia. Blake used to serenade me with the song, making me swoon and sigh. Tears would line my lashes, and then we’d kiss and make love. 

A year ago, I stood in the same spot, listening to the same song…setting up for a new class, a new life without Blake. I didn’t know how I’d survive, but I managed. I wanted my second year to feel different. My Europe quest had been about finding my joy, learning to live like an actual human being.

Well, I’d kind of done that.

After Sarah dropped me home from the airport, I took a shower, then fell into bed and slept until nearly midday. It’d been exactly what I’d needed. A chance not to think. I woke up feeling a little brighter, like maybe I could do this second year at Strantham Academy and not feel like I was suffocating.

Blake and I had our special tree in Rye. We were joined in spirit, and I had hoped I wouldn’t feel so lonely.

But as the days ticked by, I wasn’t sure the lonely ache in my chest would be so easily conquered.

While I set up my classroom and listened to our songs, Harry kept walking through my mind. I missed him. I wanted him beside me with his mischievous smile and twinkling eyes. He’d make some joke about one of my posters or tell me a story about one of his clients. He’d pick up the broom and turn it into a microphone just to make me laugh.

I tried to tell myself that he only acted that way because he was relaxed, on holiday, and determined to make my two weeks the best they could be.

It was a lie though.

Harry had shown me who he was while we traveled, and I knew it was real.

He was the first thing on my mind when I woke each morning, which was really unnerving, especially when I’d turn to find a picture of Blake smiling at me.

I glanced down at the picture of Blake on my desk, my insides coiling as I lifted it up, kissed the glass, and popped it into my “take home” box. He was inside me; I didn’t need a photo of him on my desk anymore.

I frowned at my rationale, then startled when my door clicked open.

“Sorry, did I surprise you?” Troy’s voice was deep and friendly, a soothing sound that could relax anyone. That’s why he made such a good child counselor.

“No, that’s fine. Come on in, Troy. How’s it going?”

“Good.” His smile was so broad it kind of dominated his large face. It matched perfectly with the rest of him. He was a tall, powerful man with soft, contradicting eyes. His taut muscles and bulky frame housed the kindest heart in the world. The kids he worked with adored and trusted him, and they had every right to.

Troy Baker was good to his core.

“So, what brings you into 7GB today?”

He smiled at the number and letters on my door, then ambled in. “I need to talk to you about one of the girls you’ll be teaching this year—Brandy Hiseman.” He passed me a manila file, and I flicked it open to see a beautiful girl with dark brown eyes and olive skin smiling up at me. I touched her photo, then skimmed the notes.

“Her parents are getting a divorce and it’s turning ugly.” Troy sighed, perching his butt on the edge of one of the desks. “Her mom wants to take her to Chile so she can be with her family, and the dad’s fighting like a hellhound. Brandy’s caught right in the middle of it. Now that she’s twelve, she has a right to say where she’d like to go, and she’s completely torn. She spent half the summer hiding in her room and the other half in my office.” Troy scrubbed a hand over his face, looking tired and sad. “Anyway, she’s going to be in your class.”

I slapped the file closed and crossed my arms. “And why do you look so hesitant about that?”

He cringed, his sharp nose twitching as he looked to the floor. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you were a robot last year. You were efficient, thorough, polite, and you didn’t notice one of your students.”

My jaw worked to the side as I absorbed his insult, knowing he was right. Flicking Brandy’s file open again, I stared at the contents, but the ink blurred on the page. As much as I loved and admired Troy, I hated how observant he was.

“I tried to get her into Sharon’s class, but she’s already got a couple of special needs this year, and you were the next pick.”

I cleared my throat, keeping my hazy eyes on the file.

“Jane…” Troy’s soft voice forced me to look up at him. “This girl, Brandy, she really needs to be seen right now. She’s feeling torn and frightened. The last thing she wants to do is come to school and face all her friends again. But she needs to be here. She needs to get out of that house and do something normal. And she really needs teachers who are going to support her through this process. It’s going to be a hellish year.”

I lifted my chin and looked him right in the eye. “I know all about those. I understand pain and loss, Troy. I know what it’s like to feel ripped in half. So don’t worry. I can be there for her. I can help her.”

I finished with a pointed glare that made him smile. His lips quirked up at the side, his pale eyes gleaming. “You seem brighter.”

I grunted and got busy cleaning my already tidy desk. I moved the stapler from the right corner to my top drawer then realigned the notepad and pen holder.

He chuckled and walked across to me. “You know, this is good. I mean, you’re showing real emotion. Last year you gave me nothing, but now I’m getting a whole lot of angst going on. Straightening up your desk with your shaky little fingers and that look on your face.”

“Would you stop?” I slapped Brandy’s file down and glared at him. “Don’t look at my face.”

I got a good view of his straight white teeth as he planted his feet and grinned at me. “What’d you do this summer?”

“I went away and tried to discover myself,” I grumbled, rolling my eyes and willing myself not to open up about Harry.

Both Sarah and my mother had tried and failed to find out details. I basically left the gorgeous Brit out of my holiday retell. As far as my parents and best friend knew, I’d adventured around France, Spain, and Portugal all by myself…in a rented yellow Bambino. I only showed them photos of me on my own, moving all the Harry and Jane selfies into a separate folder so I could keep him a secret. I didn’t even know why I was doing it. I guess I just wasn’t ready to talk about him.

“So…” Troy wriggled his eyebrows, bringing me back to the present. “What’d you find?”

I bit my lips together, my throat too thick to respond. I wanted to tell Troy. He was a safe bet. He wasn’t close to any of my friends; we knew a few people by association, but we only ever chatted in a work environment. The chances of him bumping into Sarah and then telling her what I said were slim to none.

Clearing my throat, I spit out the truth…sort of. “I discovered a girl desperate to live it up and have fun but who’s petrified of feeling…anything.” I ended in a whisper, but Troy heard me.

His gaze softened with compassion. “Feelings hurt.”

I nodded. “But that can also be good. I mean, the good ones… They’re amazing.” My insides squeezed as I recaptured the waterfall moment and the crazy dancing in the restaurant.

I locked my jaw against them while Troy’s smile grew bright and hopeful. “Wow. Jane, this is great progress. I’m so glad you felt something again.”

“I don’t know if I am or not,” I grumbled.

“Who is he?”

I paused, wondering how he knew. I hadn’t mentioned a guy.

But I was talking to Troy—the man could get anything out of anyone.

Picking a pen out of my holder, I rolled it in my hands, focusing on the spinning tip so I didn’t have to look at the counselor. “You don’t know him. A guy I met in England, and…” I shook my head and smiled. “It was crazy. We just went on this whirlwind vacation. Two complete strangers just having a blast together. I’ve never done something so out of character and I’ve never felt…”

My voice petered out.

I’d never felt that way before?

What about Blake?

My heart jerked and sputtered, making it hard to breathe.

“Sounds awesome.” Troy’s voice was so upbeat. “Can you figure out why you’re feeling upset?”

A little lightheaded, I slumped into my seat and dropped my pen. It rolled to the edge of the desk, balancing precariously before tumbling over the side. Troy let it clatter to the floor. It stopped against his flip-flop, and then he bent down to pick it up. Placing it lightly in front of me, he gave me a knowing smile and waited for me to voice what he probably already knew.

“He whispered that he loved me when we were saying goodbye, and I just…bailed. Pretended I didn’t hear him.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

“Really?” I snapped. “You seriously don’t know!”

His smile was calm and I sighed, recognizing his technique. It was up to me to voice my feelings.

“Blake’s been my one and only. He was my soul mate, and I never thought I’d have feelings for another man. Maybe that was naive and overly romantic, I don’t know!” I flicked my hands up. “But he’s owned me for years. He was the keeper of my heart. How do I give it to someone else?”

Scratching his eyebrow, Troy leaned back against the desk again, crossing his ankles and looking so damn relaxed, considering the turmoil going on inside of me. “You know, I’ve never felt that way about a woman before. I really hope I do one day, and until then I’m probably no authority on this kind of stuff. But I’m pretty sure I’m right when I say that the heart’s an amazing thing. It’s always bigger than we think it is, and it has this magical ability to keep expanding.” Standing tall, he gave me one of his classic smiles, then turned for the door. “It all comes down to you and how big you’re willing to let it grow.” Stopping at the door, he glanced over his shoulder and winked at me. “If the Grinch can do it, I’m one hundred percent sure you can too.”