Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (6 page)

He nodded and began to walk away. “Have fun with Brad and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Jesus! That would make for a pretty short list.” I teased as he vanished around the corner.

Chapter Ten

Brad Pays a Visit

Randy didn’t need to remind me. By the time we had finished our conversation, Brad’s arrival had returned to top priority status. I went up to my room to make sure I had everything perfect. Although I like to refer to it as my room, it’s more like a suite of rooms. A decent sized bedroom with a full bathroom adjoining it and another room that was a sitting room. In fact, it could be considered a small apartment. Like the rest of the mansion, every square inch was covered in the brightest colors and filled with décor I created from my own imagination. Randy suggested that it looks like “Pier 1 on Acid” but I still haven’t figured out what he means by that.

After a long hot shower and some careful grooming, I was ready for Brad. On the floor of the sitting room I had a square marked out with red paint. More than one attempt to have Brad accompany me on broom travel resulted in our arrival at random places around the plantation. To eliminate the risk of a crash landing in the alligator filled bayou or on the roof, Brad came up with a solution. We created designated targets that could never be confused with any other location.

I made a quick phone call. “Hi Brad! Are you ready to join me?”

“More than ready. The spot is clear on this end. Go ahead.” With clearance from Brad, I took my broom in hand and recited the spell. I was transported to the matching square on the floor in Brad’s apartment. He took my hand and we instantly were sent to the designated spot in my sitting room. Once the last of the pink colored fog cleared, I saw that Brad was dressed in a dark suit and tie. He held something behind his back.

“God, you’re beautiful. I’m so glad we’re finally together again, Sunshine.” His free arm swept me close to him, nearly lifting me from the floor. His strength amazed me. “I’ve missed you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot.”

“Thank you, and I’ve been thinking a lot, too. You have no idea.” I was a little anxious. I wanted so badly to convince Brad to just move from Chicago, but I kept in mind Randy’s warning about scaring him off. “So, what ‘cha got behind your back?”

“Oh, just a few flowers.” He smiled and handed me a dozen yellow roses that were fitted in a narrow crystal vase. “They’re the color I think of when I think of you.” He brushed my cheek with one hand and then he kissed me. Brad’s kiss. It’s the only thing on earth that has ever made me feel so completely loved.

If I had any lingering thoughts about Vasili’s sensual manners, they were blown away by Brad’s classic style. I suddenly knew that I was only attracted to Vasili because I now had a “type” of man I liked. Side by side, I suppose that some might say that the two men were slightly similar. Sure they had the same straight, jet black hair, the same bronze skin, and those dark eyes. Only Brad was like the new improved line of Greek studs. His muscles weren’t just toned, they were beefy and he only had a hint of an accent.

“These are gorgeous! You know me too well, Brad.” I set the vase on a little end table. “Now, get back to kissing me. I liked where you were going with your plans for the night.”

“Ah ah. No, ma’am. This is a date. You’re getting wined and dined before I seduce you. I’ve already made dinner reservations for us…a private table at Broussard’s. I want to talk to you about something. Unfortunately, I’ll have to ask you to put on something a little more formal. It’ll be worth it. Trust me.”

My eyes popped out and my heart was pumping like mad. “Really? Okay. Okay.” I spun around in a circle until Darcy meowed from the bedroom. “I’ll be right back.” I practically ran into my walk-in closet. “Darcy! Did you hear that? Oh my God! Oh. My.
God
. I think this could be it. Formal dinner, private table, something to talk about. You have to know this could be a proposal.”

I flipped through my dresses so fast that it seemed I was on a carousel whirling madly out of control. It was hopeless to concentrate. I went out into the hall and looked down over the banister. I saw Randy walking through the foyer. “Randy! Randy!” He was sort of dancing as he walked and he couldn’t hear a word I said. “He’s got those headphones on again.” I mumbled. I slipped off one of my sandals and threw it with all my might. I watched it spin away until it landed a direct hit on the back of his head. Randy stopped, rubbed his head, and looked around. Then he continued to dance. I took my other sandal and fired again. This time, Randy happened to look up at me just as I released the sandal. He had the oddest look on his face as he attempted to comprehend what sort of bizarre missile was coming at him. This time I got him right in the forehead.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Randy painfully bellowed.

“Get up here! Fast! I need your help. It’s an emergency.” I squeaked out.

Randy bolted up the stairs and followed me into my bedroom. “What is it? Is Brad here? What did you do to him?”

“Shhh. He’s in the other room. He’s fine.” I turned towards the direction of the sitting room. “Brad? Give me a few minutes to pick out a dress and do my hair up.” Then I lowered my voice and explained everything to Randy. “I think he’s planning on proposing to me tonight. Really. He’s dressed in a nice black suit, white shirt, and a tie. He asked me to get into something formal. He made reservations for a private table at Broussard’s. Broussard’s, Randy! I can’t think straight. I need you to help me pick out a dress and what the hell am I going to do with my hair? I look like I’ve been out pulling turnips.”

“Holy shit! Okay, okay. I’ve got this.” Randy flipped through my dresses and found the only black dress I owned. A long sleeveless one that had never been worn. “I’m thinking…let’s see. Lift your hair up. Like you would wear it up. He held out the dress in front of me and cocked his head. Yes! I got it. We’re going for Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s a timeless, classic look that only you can pull off.” Randy gave me a hand changing into the dress then he practically dragged me over to my vanity. His hands buzzed around my hair like he was a chef in a Japanese steak house. “There. You should wear your hair up like this more often. What do you think? It doesn’t matter what you think. It’s almost perfect.” He grabbed a plush toy gorilla that I had put a dainty silver tiara on. He plucked it off and fit it onto my hair. “Now it’s perfect.”

I turned my head slightly left and then right while I looked in the mirror. “I think the tiara is a bit over the top.” Randy’s hands were still hovering in place as if I had an invisible force field around my head.

“Over the top? Look around you. Everything we do is over the top. You live in a paranormal plantation that’s decked out like a nuthouse for clowns. I could make you a cape out of that neon orange shag rug and you’d still look perfect for this place.” Randy went over to my dresser and picked through some costume jewelry that I had left out. “Stand up and turn around.” He placed a silver necklace festooned with cubic zirconia around my neck. “Almost there, just put these diamond studs in and you are good to go. I do believe we set some sort of speed dressing record. Don’t forget a pair of black heels to complete the ensemble.”

“Thank you so much, Randy. You’re a lifesaver.” I gave him a peck on the cheek and returned to Brad.

Brad popped to attention upon my entrance. “Holy cow! You look fantastic! Absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thank you, your flattery will most definitely pay off. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I wore anything black. I feel like I’m ready for a date with the undertaker.” I winked, quickly putting a few things in a small clutch to take along. With my broom in hand, we were whisked away to my designated French Quarter arrival location on Pirate Alley.

Brad took me by the hand as we strolled through the evening shadows of the Saint Louis Cathedral. The warm day gave away to a crisp cool evening. “You know, Gertie. I do believe that New Orleans is fast becoming my favorite city. And I like the country life out by Bayou Lafourche even more.” He led me to one of the white horse-drawn carriages that normally line up by Jackson Square. I’m pretty sure Brad enjoyed romancing me as much as I enjoyed being romanced.

I was grinning like a chimp in a banana boat. All of my worries were gone because it all became clear to me. Brad was setting things up for his proposal. And from his remarks about New Orleans and Lafourche Parish, it was obvious that his plans included making our home in Louisiana.

Chapter Eleven

A Trip to the ER

Now I’m not sure where Brad gets his unique romantic ideas from, and I certainly do appreciate a novel approach to things, but that sort of style comes with its own risks. And I was about to learn it firsthand.

The secluded table became our cozy little candlelit corner of heaven. “Gertie, have some more wine.” Brad had taken my glass and filled it half way.

“You know I’m not much of a drinker, but if you insist. I always feel a little dumb when people are talking about all the different kinds of wine. It’s almost like they are talking about gourmet food. And some people are downright snooty about it.”

Brad nodded in agreement. “Oh, I know exactly what you mean. People start talking about chardonnay, merlot, Bordeaux…eshh. Hipster wine lingo. It’s all Greek to me.”

“French I think. Pretty sure.”

Brad was laughing. “No, just a figure of speech. But you’re right, those are French words.”

“Oh, did I tell you about what I learned last fall about shopping for wine? The wine shops in Chicago have a great idea to help people like me. They have a wine expert that sits out in front of the store. For a few dollars he’ll go in with you and tell you exactly which wines are the best deal and taste the best. It’s like having your personal wine connoisseur. Only, they don’t use an elegant French word, they just call him a wino.”

“Ha ha. Okay. I guess that’s the person to ask if you really want to drink for effect. Have another sip, Gertie.”

As I sipped, I heard a mysterious and magical melody being whistled in Broussard’s courtyard. It was very familiar. I glanced out of the window and there in the moonlight was Vasili. “Spluth.” I nearly choked on the wine.

“You all right?”

“Uh huh.” I sucked up the remaining wine like it was water.

“Gertie? Wait!” Brad nearly shouted at me.

“Huh? Hey, I didn’t know they put ice cubes in wine. I just swallowed one. Must be another fancy French thing—”

“Ring!”

“Ring? Nope. The wino never told me about that kind of wine. But it has a nice
ring
to it. Get it?”

“Oh shit! Gertie! That wasn’t an ice cube. That was a ring. A diamond engagement ring!”

“Janey Mac!” I shouted. “Leave it to the French!” My fingers instinctively wrapped around my throat as if I was trying to stop a mouse from running through a hose. Just as I worried that it was already sitting in my stomach, I realized Brad must have been having a little laugh on my account. “You shouldn’t joke around like that! I nearly had a canary! Hah! After all, who’d put a diamond ring in a wineglass? Not even a French—”

“Gertie! Gertie, listen. Stay calm. There
was
an engagement ring in that glass. I know it was stupid of me. I just saw it done in a movie once. The guy surprises his girlfriend by putting it in her drink…only she doesn’t swallow it. And he asks her to marry him.”

“What? Why? A movie?” I tried not to panic. “What do we do now?”

Brad spoke calmly yet firmly. “First, we’re going to get you to the emergency room. They’ll need to take an x-ray. Just to be sure it isn’t lodged—”

The fleeting seconds of calmness were over for me. After all, I had ruined what was likely the most romantic moment of my life by gobbling up my engagement ring like it was some hors d’oeuvres. And that was after I realized I was being serenaded by my new mysterious stalker, the whistling Vasili. I jumped up so quickly that my chair got knocked over. Silverware, china, and crystal crashed on the floor when the table nearly flipped. I knew I was making some strange squawking sounds as I flapped around like a panicked ostrich choking on a softball.

“Right this way!” An unfamiliar voice called out. “Clear a path!” Someone had witnessed my frantic antics and dialed called 911. Tables and chairs were swept aside as paramedics dashed towards me.

“No. She’s not choking!” Brad held them off. “She just realized she swallowed a diamond ring.”

“How the hell did that happen?” One of my would-be rescuers asked.

Brad held the paramedics at bay. “It’s a long story. We won’t need an ambulance. I’m going to take her to the ER and have her checked out.”

I had no desire to go to a hospital. That would be the end of our night for sure. “Let’s just call Marie. She’ll fix this, or get a witch doctor to take care of it.”

“A witch doctor? Lady, you need a shrink.” A lanky young paramedic said in a loud voice. Loud enough for everyone to get a good laugh.

“Not like a witch doctor that shrinks heads and dances around a bon fire. I meant a doctor for witches.”

“Like I said, you need a shrink!” The crowd’s raucous laughter grew louder.

“Shut up, clown.” Brad barked.

“Wait. Those guys are clowns? I thought they were ambulance guys.” I was thoroughly confused.

“Oh yeah, they’re clowns all right. Come on, Gertie. Let’s go.” He took me by the arm and we left the restaurant, leaving the disaster in our wake.

A taxi ride, a horrendously long wait, and an x-ray later we were in an exam room. “Miss O’Leary, it appears that the ring made it into your stomach without any problems. You should be fine.” The doctor slapped an x-ray onto a lit up box on the wall. “See? There it is.”

I took a careful look at my engagement ring nestled away in my innards. “It’s perfect, Brad! Sorry I ate it.” I turned to the doctor. “Can you take it out?”

“The object should pass harmlessly through your digestive system and you shouldn’t have any issues. If you do start to experience any pain, I want to see you back in the emergency room right away.” The doctor explained. I knew that as soon as we got home I would be getting ahold of Marie. There was no way I was letting a diamond ring pass “through my digestive system”.

When the doctor walked out, Brad took down the x-ray. He set it on a table and took out his pocketknife. I sat up on the edge of the bed and watched with interest as he cut out the image of the ring. He dropped down to one knee and took my hand. With his other hand he held up the little x-rayed ring. “Gertie, I know this isn’t the way I wanted it to go tonight, but it’s somehow perfect for us. I want to know if you’ll marry me.”

I squealed with joy. “Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!” He pushed the plastic image of the ring onto my finger and the emergency room nursing staff surprised us with a round of applause. As soon as we left the hospital, I magically transported us back to my bedroom at the plantation. I wish I could say from that point on we were on the way to happily ever after, but it was not the case.

I lit a couple of candles and put on some soft music. I started to unzip my dress but Brad wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear. “No. Don’t take anything off.” His touch, his kisses were soft and sensual. Everything seemed to be in slow motion and I relished every sensation. When his mouth met mine, I became so lost in the feeling I barely noticed that he had unzipped my dress and slid it off of me. My bra was gone soon after. His strong hands moved down to the small of my back and to my ass. I felt like he was a sculptor and I was clay in his hands. Oh, I know that sounds pretty sappy to say, but I don’t know of any other way to describe the feeling. Brad just knows me so well that every movement, every touch, every kiss is perfectly delivered to excite me.

Then I remembered my pills. “Hold on, Brad. There’s something I need to do. You won’t be needing to take any precautions tonight. I went to see a shrink.”

“What? A shrink?”

“Yeah. Be right back.” I speed-tiptoed into the bathroom and took out the little plastic pill bottle. I mumbled to myself as I looked over the label. “Doctor Schmidt said to take one pill. But Brad always says, ‘that was so nice let’s do it twice’ so I’ll just take two to be sure. And one more because sometimes he does it three times.”

“Okay, now where were we?” I teased.

“I was about to put you on that bed right there and make love to you for the first time as my fiancée.”

“Say that again and again. I am so happy, Brad.” Something didn’t feel right. All of a sudden, I felt a little dizzy. “Whoa. I have got to sit down. I’m feeling a little strange.” I stumbled to the edge of the bed.

“Are you all right?”

“I’m sure it’s from all the excitement tonight. Now take that jacket off and get over here. Stand right in front of me, please.”

“So polite, Gertie.” Brad laughed.

“There’s something I’ve been thinking about dooo—in’ to ya.” My words slurred out and my hands felt like I had ski gloves on. I worked at trying to get Brad’s belt undone and his pants unbuttoned. “Come on, come on out. Jesus. I feel like a second rate snake charmer. I can’t seem to find your tallywhacker. Did it crawl down to the other side err sumthin?”

“Uh, Gertie. That’s because you’ve been digging around my belly button. Are you okay?”

“Oh. Must have been that wine tonight.” Finally, Brad’s rock hard erection was free. I opened my mouth wide while my seemingly giant hands clumsily tried to get a grip on Brad’s throbbing member. “Relax, Brad. I practiced on a banana. Ba na naaa.” The sound of the word struck me as the most ridiculous thing and I laughed uncontrollably as I tried to get my mouth on it.

“Are you all right, Gertie? I think maybe you should lay down for a while.” Brad’s puzzled look only added to the comedic effect.

“I know. I probably look like a drunken monkey trying to eat a banana.” I tried to concentrate and get my act together. I placed the tip on my lips and a ridiculous image came to mind. The laughter returned, and I was nearly in hysterics. I could barely breathe. “Oh…ha ha ha. I feel like a drunken Jabba the Hut trying to play a clarinet! I’m all out of sorts.”

“What did your doctor give you anyway?”

My mouth finally found its target. “Birfconelg uck.” I gagged and pulled my mouth away. “I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk with a big penis in your mouth. Birth control.” That was it. I rolled back on the bed and doubled up. I was a completely useless pile of giggling.

My laughter slowed to sobs and then I heard it. The sound of Vasili’s haunting melody. It floated up from the darkness below my bedroom window. Brad walked over to the window and looked around the yard. “I think someone is out there. Whistling.”

I was getting incredibly sleepy. I yawned. “Oh, that’s just Vasili.”

“Vasili? Who’s Vasili?”

“Some guy that came around this morning. He’s been trying to seduce me all day. But don’t worry, I didn’t kiss him back.” I covered my mouth with both hands as if I wanted to stuff all of the words safely back in my mouth. That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.