Getting Old Can Kill You (14 page)

T
hey stand in the dark back alley behind Rico’s building, getting ready to pack up his car. Ida does the last-minute checkup of what’s in their totes.

“Flashlights?”

Three sets of hands hold up their flashlights. Flick them to make sure the batteries are working. “Check,” says Rico.

“Clothing?”

All are dressed completely in black. Sophie and Bella lift up their extra-large dark shirts to show their pink and blue hoodies underneath.

“Check,” says Rico.

“Weapons.”

The lipstick pepper sprays are held aloft. “Check.”

“Sleeping items?”

“I got the blankies,” Bella says.

Ida sees Bella hide her teddy bear. She’s not about to admit she can’t sleep anywhere without it.

“I have the pillows,” Sophie remarks.

Rico grins. “Houston. We are ready for takeoff.”

They climb into Rico’s now totally stuffed little lime VW bug.

As planned, they arrive at the car wash five minutes before closing. Rico parks his car in the lot and takes a ticket from one of the indifferent nephews. He and the girls pretend to walk toward the exit. Instead, with a careful eye out so that Harvey won’t spot them as he unwinds his chain-link fence, they race to the restrooms.

“Hide,” Rico says, “and wait ten minutes.”

Ida snarls. “I was just about to say that. I’m in charge here. Hide!”

“Yes, boss,” Rico says.

In the bathroom they face a small problem. There are only two stalls. Ida grabs one and Sophie and Bella squeeze into the other. They whisper to one another.

Bella kvetches to Ida, “It’s a tight fit.”

Ida says, “Make it work.”

Ida hears shuffling noises. “What’s going on?”

Sophie says, “Never mind. I’m sitting on the closed seat. Bella is on my lap.”

They talk to each other over the tops of the stalls.

Bella giggles. “This is so much more fun than mah-jongg.”

Sophie asks, “Should we stand on the toilet seats so no one will see our feet?”

Ida says, “Brilliant idea, then they’ll only see your head.”

Sophie is puzzled. Was that sarcasm?

“I like the idea,” Bella says. “But I don’t know if I can climb up on it.”

“Or we can sit on the seat with our feet up,” Sophie suggests.

“With the lid open or shut?” Bella wants to know.

Ida closes her eyes, exasperated. “God, give me strength,” she prays.

After a few minutes, Sophie whispers, “Isn’t it ten minutes yet? I can’t even breathe in here, it’s so crowded.”

Ida says, “Okay, I think we’re safe. I doubt whether Harvey or his boys would walk into the ladies’ room.”

More noises from the other stall. Ida hears the flushing of the toilet. “Shh. Who did that?”

“Me,” Bella confesses. “Might as well use the facilities.”

All quiet at last. The girls and Rico walk around the enclosed car wash, making sure they’re alone. It is a black, clouded, starless night and they need to use their flashlights. Sophie and Bella cling to each other as they cautiously head back to his car.

“I don’t know,” Ida says. “Sitting in that small car all night is going to be a hardship. Is there anyplace else we can hang out without being seen?”

Rico says, “There are three other parked cars. We can hide between them if we bend down, but that’s not much better.”

“Not with my arthritic knees,” Sophie complains.

“Mine, either,” Bella adds. “I’ll never be able to get up again.”

Ida shrugs. “Could we stay in the bathrooms until we hear something?”

“Not good—we won’t be able to see or hear.” Rico sighs. He walks around surveying their options. He looks down the empty car wash tunnel. “But we have time. If we’ve guessed right, it’ll be the nephews who made copies of their uncle’s keys.
Los stupidos
will probably wait till around midnight.”

He grins, getting an idea. “Might as well give my bug a bath. It could use it.” He adds, “And the price is right.”

Ida looks askance at him. “Are you sure you should do this? What do you know about how a car wash works?”

“Piece of tortilla,” says their new partner. “What’s to know? You press a button and it washes.”

He gets back into the bug and drives slowly. The girls follow him as he makes his way to the front of the car wash. He gets the car into the starting position, lining it up with the conveyor belt.

Sophie knocks on his window. “Could I ride along? I always wanted to be inside a car when it’s getting washed.”

“Me, too,” Bella says happily.

He waves them in.

Sophie takes the front seat next to him, and Bella the back.

He rolls down his window and calls out to Ida, “Wanna come along for the ride?”

Ida, never the adventurous one, folds her arms. “No, thanks.”

Rico tells the girls to stay put as he jumps back out of the car and studies his wash options from a list on the wall. “Might as well get the extra wax job.”

He turns to Ida. “Okay. First, I’m gonna look for the faucets to turn on the water. Ida, you can help. Go in that little room over there and flip open the switch to start the motor.”

She gives him a dirty look, but rather than argue, she heads for the small room. With her searchlight, she stares at the wall filled with switches.

She sticks her head out the door and calls in a heavy whisper, “Which one? There’s a lot of them.”

He calls back to her, “How many are there?”

Ida dutifully goes back and counts. She calls out to him, “Twenty-four.”

“Then switch them all on.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

As she does so, all the lights in the entire car wash suddenly go on, illuminating the entire scene. Moments later, a deafening noise follows.

Ida races out of the storage room in a panic and confronts Rico, who is on his hands and knees still searching for a water spigot. “What was that sound?”

The expert shrugs. “Must be a hydraulic drive or a water pressure pump.”

“Oh, swell, now we’re all lit up and making enough noise to wake the dead.”

A muffled scream comes from the girls as the conveyor belt starts to move the car along its rail. “Get on! Get on!” Sophie shouts.

“Hold your
caballos
, I’ll be right there. I found the water.” He quickly turns the water on. “Rightsy tightsy, lefty loosey,” he recites as his reminder.

He rushes back to the wall facing the moving bug and starts pressing all the buttons. The car wash begins doing its thing.

He runs along the walkway as the bug passes him on the conveyer belt, shouting after them, “Sophie! Bella! Whatever you do, don’t open the windows!”

They can’t hear him above the noise. Sophie opens her window. She calls, “What did you say?” as a huge wave of water hits her.

“Close the windows. Close them!” Rico shouts.

Terrified, the now soaking wet Sophie does so.

Ida rushes down the walkway to reach Rico, who is still following his precious bug. Ida sees the girls, their hands smacking at the closed windows, their faces twisted in horror. She sees them mouth “Help!”

Then they disappear under the flapping wings of the foamlike washing mechanism. The car is enveloped by globs of soapsuds.

Ida sneers at Rico. “Some terrific idea. Now everyone in the street can see and hear us!”

They turn to look at the cluster of people watching them. Bag ladies and drunks enjoying the free show. The audience members wave gleefully.

“Good show,” one of them calls, waving his gin bottle.

Ida grabs tightly on to Rico’s arm. “Now see what you’ve done. The police will be here any minute.”

Rico removes her clutching arm, reassuring her and changing his earlier tune. “Not to worry. No way any of those weirdos out there have cellphones, and besides, even if they did no one around here ever calls cops. And cops never come around here at night. It’s too dangerous.”

“But the alarm. Won’t it go off?”

“Only if you’re climbing the fence.”

“Well, you and your big idea about washing your stupid little car. The crooks won’t come near us now with all this light and all this commotion.”

They can hear the muffled sounds of Bella and Sophie screaming at them, begging to be let out.

Now the wax is spraying. The two girls look distorted by the pattern of the zigzagging wax buildup.

Ida yells, “Rico, get into the car and stop them!”

“I can’t,” he says, “there’s no way for me to jump on. It’s too slippery.”

“Then turn the damn thing off!”

Rico shouts to the girls as he runs alongside them. “I’m going to shut you down. Just, whatever you do, don’t touch the steering wheel.” He motions with his hands imitating the steering wheel and shaking his head from side to side.

The girls add their own signals. Sophie and Bella are both nodding their heads up and down and pointing to something somewhere behind Rico’s head.

Suddenly Sophie turns the steering wheel toward him as hard as she can.

“No!” Rico yells, “Don’t do that! I said
don’t
touch the wheel!”

Too late. Rico’s car jumps the tracks and everything comes to a grinding halt.

Rico groans. “We’re stuck! I’ll never be able to get my car out.”

And Ida adds, “And we’re gonna get caught here like rats in a trap. I can see the headlines now: ‘Four Stupid Crooks Arrested for Breaking and Entering.’ ”

Rico sloshes his way over to his car and opens the door. The residual water inside splashes onto him.

He pulls the girls out and yells, “Why did you do that?”

They are wet and grinning. Sophie says, “We wanted to show you.”

“What’s so damn funny?”

The two girls pant and point again.

“Squirrel,” Sophie says, almost incoherently through her laughter.

“Squirrel,” Bella says, giggling and trying to squeeze the water out of her sweatshirt.

Rico and Ida look behind them to where the girls are waving.

And there’s the candy machine with a squirrel squeezing its way out of the coin slot with quarters in its mouth.

Ida and Rico can hardly believe their eyes as the little varmint slides up a water pipe heading for the roof with its ill-gotten gains.

“Case solved,” Sophie says gleefully.

I
shake myself. I must have dozed off. Jack is snoring away at the other end of the couch. The movie we were watching is long over. There’s another classic film on now. I touch his shoulder, trying to wake him gently.

He jumps up, startled.

I smile. Watching an old black-and-white movie is better than any sleeping pill. I check the time. It’s a little past midnight.

We wander into the kitchen. I boil some water for tea to help us wake up.

Jack looks out the window. Still no light at Bella’s. “We must have missed the girls coming home. She’s probably asleep by now.”

By now all of Lanai Gardens is out cold as well. As we sip our tea, we try to decide what to do about Joyce.

Jack straightens up his shirt and runs his hands through his hair. “I’m going over to her place. I don’t care if I do wake her. This madness has got to end. Maybe catching her half asleep, she’ll let down her guard.”

“Okay, but finish your tea. Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, I’m going to play the alpha male and I won’t let her talk me into a stupor. Joyce needs a tougher approach.” Jack grabs a sweater from the closet, kisses me on the cheek, and heads out.

I stand on the walkway watching Jack head for Phase Three. Just as I’m about to go back inside, my eyes are caught by a bilious green VW bug pulling up in front of our building.

To my immense surprise, out pop Ida, Bella, and Sophie, all of whom are in great spirits. They are laughing and saying loud good-nights to their driver.

My imagination is piqued. I hurry downstairs to catch them. By the time I get there, the driver has turned a corner.

The girls greet me happily.

“Hey, late birds, where have you been all day and half the night?” What’s this? They look disheveled and Bella and Sophie look wet? Is that possible? Where would they get wet? And what are those strange things they’re wearing? Sweatshirts with hoods?

Ida is haughty. “You wouldn’t believe us if we told you.”

Sophie chimes in, “We were on our first case.”

Bella finishes, “And we solved it. We were good!”

The girls high-five each other.

Sophie says, laughing so hard she can hardly get the words out, “And we caught the thieves. Well, not really, but on Rico’s phone camera. The squirrels did it!”

“Shh,” I say, “you’re waking the neighbors.”

Bella hiccups.

I ask an obvious question. “Were you girls out drinking?”

Bella giggles. “We were celebrating. I love near beer.”

“Where were you? And who’s Rico?”

Ida looks smug as she answers me. “He’s our chauffeur.”

Bella adds, “And our new partner.”

Before I can make any sense of what they’re talking about, I am suddenly aware of Jack running toward me. He looks as if the devil himself were chasing after him.

“What?” I ask. “What’s happened?”

Jack barely nods to the girls.