Ghosting (6 page)

a gas station,

but he pulls into

the parking lot

by Centennial Park, near the

kid’s playground.

Time for some pre-party refreshments,
says Brendan.

The playground is deserted.

Under the nearly

full moon

the swing set and jungle gym

look like skeletons of

long-ago

prehistoric creatures.

What’ve you got?
asks Emma.

The cooler’s between you two,
says Brendan to me and Felix.
Pop it open.

Felix is slow to respond

so I reach down

and unlatch the cooler,

opening the lid.

Nestled in ice

are about a

dozen brightly

colored cans

of what looks

like soda pop.

Emma peers

into the cooler.

Holy shit, where’d you find that stuff?

Craigslist,
says Brendan proudly.
Only fifteen bucks a can.

What is it?
I ask, amazed by how expensive those colorful cans are.

Don’t they have MoonBuzz in Colorado?
Brendan says.

I shake my head.

Then you are in for a treat,
Brendan says with a big grin.

I heard it was banned in Illinois,
comes Chloe’s voice from the back.

Yep. That’s why it was such a rip-off,
says Brendan.

But believe me, it’s worth it. Cocaine in a can.

I’ve read about it,
comes Anil’s voice from the back.
They say drinking one can is the equivalent of five beers and a cup of Starbucks coffee.

Sweet,
says Brendan.

He grabs one can

for him and one

for Emma.

Help yourselves,
he says to the rest of us.

It sounds

really

bad to me.

But Felix reaches into the cooler,

fishes out a couple

and hands them back to

Chloe and Anil.

Then he picks out two more,

and offers one to me

with a wink.

I start to say no,

but then

catch Emma watching me

in the rearview mirror.

So I take it,

setting it on the floor

at my feet.

Then I open

the car door.

I’ll be right back,
I say, sliding my camera out of my pocket.

ANIL

1.
I watch the girl named Maxie

as she stops just short of the playground.

She holds a camera to her eye.

Flash.

Chloe has popped open her can of MoonBuzz.

I can hear her take a few gulps.

Then she says,

C’mon, Anil, I want to swing.

I follow Chloe as she runs,

childlike and a little clumsy,

to the swing set.

As I pass Maxie she gives me a small,

almost embarrassed, crooked smile.

That’ll make a nice shot,
I say,
with the moon and all.

It reminds me of dinosaur bones,
she answers with a laugh.

I look over at the swing set,

where Chloe is waiting for me.

I see that,
I say.

And I do.

We exchange smiles again.

Anil,
Chloe calls.
Come push me.

Chloe is wearing a white dress tonight

and flying through the air on the swing,

she looks like the goddess Lakshmi,

the Hindu embodiment of beauty,

or she would if the goddess Lakshmi

had honey-colored hair.

2.
Automatically I push Chloe,

high and higher,

but for some reason

all I can think about is

that small, embarrassed, slightly crooked

smile on Maxie’s face.

Hey,
Chloe says,
I said stop.

And I realize that I’ve been pushing

while she’s been trying to slow down.

Sorry,
I say.

I look over at the SUV,

thinking about the MoonBuzz

and how I do not want to drink it.

You’re not mad at me or anything?
Chloe asks,
interrupting my thoughts.

Huh?
I say.
Uh, no, I’m not. But, hey, Chloe, maybe don’t drink too much of that stuff of Brendan’s. It’s especially dangerous for girls, I mean, because you’re smaller.

I know. I won’t,
she says.
You’re so sweet.

And she slides out of the swing

and comes right up to me,

wrapping her arms around my waist,

her head nestled at my chest.

It feels good.

Sometimes I still can’t believe

that Chloe Carney wants to be with me.

I put my arms around her,

but out of the corner of my eye

I catch sight of Maxie getting back

into the car.

FELIX

while the anil kid and chloe carney are off at the swing set, probably making out, brendan’s cell buzzes. he gets out of the car to answer it. max reappears, sliding back into her seat. she doesn’t open her moonbuzz and i can tell she doesn’t want to drink it. not my favorite brew either, but no big.

up front, emma is slowly, steadily drinking hers, quiet, watching brendan through the front windshield. suddenly she turns around and looks me straight in the eye.

Why’d you quit soccer, Felix?
Emma asks.

Tore my ACL,
I say.

she keeps looking at me. then shakes her head.

That was sophomore year. I saw you play since then, that game with Harvest Prep last year. You were amazing. A rock star.

i was, too. got a recruiting e-mail a week later from georgetown.

So?
she says.

Never healed right. And I reinjured it.

she turns back to looking out the front windshield. i can tell she doesn’t believe me.

That was some game,
she says.
That Harvest Prep game.

she’s right about that. some game, best i ever played. best night of my life, until it turned into the worst night of my life. the night my world went away. vanished. kerflooey.

Anyone want a hit?
I say.

i can feel max looking at me, puzzled. she still wears how she feels on her face, even when she’s trying not to. one of the things i always liked about her. nobody else says anything. until emma pipes up, her voice a little fuzzy already.

Too bad about that ACL. Bet you would’ve gotten a full ride.

Yeah,
I say with a shrug.

would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

MAXIE

Ever since he got in the car

I’ve been trying to figure out

Felix.

What’s different about him,

other than

the pot.

And suddenly

it hits me.

Underneath

the grin

and the nonchalance

and the smoke,

Felix is sad.

I mean really sad.

Hey, douche bags, let’s go,
calls Brendan to Anil and Chloe, who are entwined by the swing set.
Axel said to get over there, party’s starting to rock.

I am so
not
looking forward

to this

so-called “rocking” party.

It’s not that I’m anti-drinking.

Don’t mind a glass or two of wine,

getting a little tipsy

like we sometimes did

back in Colorado.

But kids at these kinds of parties,

the kind Mr. MoonBuzz,

cocaine-in-a-can Brendan,

would want to go to,

well, we’re not talking a
little
buzz.

We’re talking a messy,

drink till you puke

all over yourself

booze fest.

And somehow it’s just

not the way

I want to meet and greet

these kids I’ll be seeing for

the first time

in four years.

The party house has tons of cars

parked in front and

music blaring from open windows.

Brendan has to park

a few blocks away

and just as he turns off the motor

I spot a kid

throwing up

into a neighbor’s

pot of geraniums.

Nice.

Welcome back to Illinois, Max,
says Felix, who saw the guy, too.

I take a

deep breath.

As everyone begins to pile out,

Felix looks sideways at me.

Hey, guys,
he announces,
I’m feeling a little trashed. Think I’ll stay here. Keep me company?
he adds in my direction.

I nod,

relieved.

Lightweight,
Brendan says but tosses Felix the car keys.
Lock it when you decide to come in. Just don’t be going joyriding or anything. And guard that MoonBuzz with your life. If any’s missing when I get back, you’re dead meat.

Anil and Chloe climb past us again.

I’m getting used to her

sweet, fruity perfume

and his

clean, soapy smell.

Thanks,
I say to Felix after they’re gone.
You must be a mind reader.

Your face is pretty easy to read, Max.

I know,
I say.
It’s really annoying.

No, I like it. Besides, I’m not that into partying.

I look at him,

skeptical.

Well, not this kind of party. Stoner parties are a lot mellower. Speaking of which . . .

He pulls out a plastic bag

and some papers.

I watch him expertly

roll a joint,

then light it.

So, Felix, how are you really?
I ask.

Good,
he murmurs.
Better now,
he adds, inhaling deeply.

He has a wide

blissy

smile

on his face.

Are you and Emma friends still?
I ask.

Nah. Not since 5th grade,
he says.

That’s not true,
I say.
The three of us would hang out in middle school.

Not really, Max. I’d tag along sometimes. But she was gone, for me. On her way out with you, too.

I nod.

Felix is right.

I had tried to hold on, but it was

a losing battle.

I cried a lot about it.

Mom said I was too

sensitive.

Emma will always be your friend,
she’d say.

Like I said,

clueless.

Felix passes me

the joint.

I take a very small hit.

I’m not too into pot.

You like Brendan at all?
I ask.

Dude’s a jerk,
he says.

What does Emma see in him?
I say.

Felix gives me a look.

Okay, right. He’s hot,
I say with a grin.

And Brendan
is
hot,

I mean right-off-the-TV-screen kind of hot.

Dimples,

perfect nose,

tousled hair.

Six-pack

and then some.

Only the best for Emma,
Felix says, but not bitter.

Bitter’s not Felix’s style.

I laugh.

She always had to win everything, didn’t she?
I say.
Board games, races, hopscotch.

Climb the tree the highest, swing highest, throw the ball farthest,
Felix says.

Get the most valentines,
I say.

A pause.

It’s why I was so good at soccer,
Felix says, unexpectedly.

He looks a little surprised

at what he said.

Why?
I ask, curious.

She was always after me to play, had to beat me of course. And I couldn’t let a girl do that. Sorry,
he adds,
but it’s a fact.

I smile.

Then it hits me

what Felix said,

that he

was
so good at soccer,

not

am
so good at soccer.

Seems like it bothers Emma you don’t play anymore,
I say slowly.

Felix is quiet.

Is that really why you stopped, because you tore your ACL?

There’s a pause.

Then he says,
No, it’s not.

FELIX

thing is, i don’t know if it was the weed (it was some strong shit). or the combination of weed and moonbuzz. or if it was seeing max after so long. but it all came pouring out.

for the first time i told someone. i told her.

about how the best day of my life turned into the worst.

mom said afghanistan changed my dad, which i didn’t believe at first. seemed like too much of an excuse. but he did get angry a lot. he’d yell at my soccer games, got thrown out a few times. he was there that night we played harvest prep, nothing to yell about that night, but he did anyway.

mom dragged him away so neither of them even saw the last goal i scored, amazing shot. trapped a pass on my chest then did a bicycle kick, my back to the goal, lasered it in. i could tell i’d scored from the swell of cheering as i landed flat on my back, the wind knocked out of me. got the whole hero thing, up on the shoulders, paraded around like i was a rock star.

went to a party afterward and this girl betsy comes up to me and kisses me, just like that. right away she apologizes but then blurts out that she was tired of waiting around to see if i’d ever kiss her first. she’s cute. i’d noticed her before. not emma, but nice and for the first time i’m thinking maybe it’s
time to give up on that old dream of emma and me ’cause it’s never gonna happen. maybe i’ll give it a try with betsy. hang out with her some. the kiss felt nice.

but then i come home.

it’s one in the morning, and i’m feeling good, nice good, not drunk or anything, and i go up the stairs and suddenly there’s this crashing sound from my parents’ bedroom, then dad letting out a bunch of cuss words. i kind of freeze, standing there in the hall, and that’s when the bedroom door flies open and mom is standing there and all she’s wearing is a bra with a strap missing and the hall light shows her face, swollen up and some blood around her lip. but even worse, much worse, is the blood i see trickling down her leg, the inside of her thigh. then i hear dad’s voice yelling
i’m your husband, you frigid bitch. husbands and wives have sex, that’s what they do, and don’t you fucking call it rape. that’s bullshit.