Ghosts in the Morning (12 page)

Graham let out a patronising sigh.
‘It’s not quite as simple as that, Andrea. We may not be in the Eurozone
in terms of the currency,
but it still affects us
. A lot.’

Debbie giggled. ‘Shame, really. 
I love Milan. And
I quite liked the idea of being
properly
European. It sounds so much more glamorous than “English” or “British”.’ She mimed the quotation marks with her fingers, like an impression of bunny ears, it made me want to strangle her.
‘What about here in Jersey, what do they call you?’

‘Rich bastards, that’s what they call you!’ boomed Matt, bellowing out a laugh. Debbie and Katherine joined in with a fluffy giggle. ‘Well, isn’t that true, Piers, it’s an island of millionaires, right?’

‘Er, not quite, Matt, not quite. As you well know, we have a very large finance industry and our economy is reasonably solid, but it’s not all champagne and gin palaces. It’s certainly not as Bergerac portrayed it.’

‘Bergerac’s in France, isn’t it?’ Debbie said, furrowing her plucked eyebrows. ‘What’s Bergerac got to do with anything
?
’

David frowned. ‘Bergerac was the name of a detective in a programme. A series, set in Jersey.’

‘Oh, okay, I’ve never heard of it.’

Lindy took a breath and lifted her chin.
I could see a spot of olive oil sitting underneath her bottom lip. Floating on her
thick
makeup, there was no way that
would
soak through to her skin. ‘
Going back to what you were saying, Matt...t
o be
honest
, I don’t really understand all of that Euro stuff
but
I do know it hasn’t affected my business, though, I’m still really busy
.
’
Lindy was a self-employed personal trainer – she had a small gym set up in one of the rooms in their large house.
I had the feeling she was quite successful, too
. But then, she did spend a lot on advertising, bankrolled by Piers, of course. There was a constant stream of adverts for her services in the local paper and on local radio. Photos of her looking smug
as she gurned for the camera
in the latest clingy gym wear.

Lindy paused to glance at her flawless nails, then looked up again.
‘T
he thing is,
I think personal training is fairly recession-proof –
I mean,
everybody wants to look after themselves these days,
don’t they? E
veryone wants to look good
, take care of their body
.’ Lindy glanced at me, and then looked away again quickly. I tried not to redden.

‘Well, th
is
Eurozone crisis has been brewing for a while
. I guess it was doomed from the start, I mean, if we look back at the origins of -
’ Graham said and took a deep breath
. I could see he was eager to impress with his summary of the history of the Eurozone. I knew he had heard some explanation at a conference that he liked to pass off as his inherent knowledge.

But it was obviously man-dick on the table time, for Piers interrupted. ‘Yes, since the fifties, actually – ’

Matt opened his mouth to speak but David spoke first
.
‘
The origins of the idea first surfaced after
the second world war, at a time when the United States was experiencing significant economic growth and economic migration.’

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Matt close his mouth, proving that David was the top-dog at this table.

‘Various important people in Europe were taking notice of this
, and were
concerned
th
at Europe could get left behind,’ David continued.
He took a sip of red wine, and puffed his chest out, warming to his theme. ‘So they figured that they should think along the lines of America. I mean, in America, it was increasingly becoming the norm for certain cities to be known as the places to go for specific items or specialities. So, for instance,
if you needed
car manufacturing, you went to Detroit
. Likewise,
in California
...
well, Silicon Valley became famous for computer chips – ’

‘As well as boob implants,’ I said.

‘Er, that’s silicone, not silicon,’ Debbie said. Her lip was curled, her tone full of sarcasm.

‘It was a joke,’ I said, but nobody around the table was smiling. I felt myself redden and shrink.

‘Er, yes, as I was saying – ’ David sighed turning his glance back to the table, away from me, away from th
is
dumb, fat woman at the end. ‘These prominent Europeans were worried that Europe would be left behind, that it would be beneficial to try and emulate America, to have a sort of “United States of Europe”.’ He paused and took another sip of wine, leaving a red ring around his lips.

‘Hmmm, some chance,
’ Matt said. ‘How can all those
bloody
foreigners integrate, with
all those
different languages,
all those
different cultures?
I don’t mean to be racist in any way, of course, but some of those buggers are barely civilised.
’

‘Precisely, Matt, precisely,’ said David, jabbing his fork forward. ‘
Though I don’t necessarily share
your views on, er, the civilisation or otherwise of some European countries, you’re correct in saying that the integration of these different cultures would be difficult.
The idea
was to follow the American model so that
Europe could also have, er, well, centres of excellence, I suppose
-’

‘Would that include Amsterdam as a centre of sex-cellence
?
’
Matt
sniggered.

David ignored him
and
carried on, ‘So,
just as an example, Rome could be the European hub for car manufacturing, Sheffield for steel, that sort of idea
. But it’s clear that that
would never really work in reality. I mean
,
your average Northerner interested in
working in the car industry
is hardly going to up sticks and go and live in a country where the people speak a different language, with a completely different culture.
So economic migration was never going to be the same in Europe as it was in America.
’

‘Yes, and then
this ridiculous idea was further compounded by the introduction of the Euro back in
the year 2000,’ Piers said.

‘Er, it was 1999
actually
. Although the actual physical notes and coins didn’t come into circulation until 2002.’ Graham sat there, a ghost of
self-satisfaction
on his face.

‘1999, 2000, whatever,’ Piers said, ‘But the point is – ’
             

‘The point is –’ David interrupted, obviously unwilling to
relinquish the spotlight
,
‘– the
introduction of the euro removed the fundamental methods that the adopting countries had for controlling their economies. They no longer had the ability to play around with their exchange rates, and even worse, their interest rates.  In fact, at around th
e time of the euro’s introduction, s
ome leading political figures even went so far as to suggest that the inequalities that could
arise between
neighbouring countries could
potentially
lead to war in Europe.’

‘Do you think we could be on the brink of war, then?’ Katherine said. She sounded nervous.

‘No, no, of course not, it was just a hypotheses put forward at the time.’

Lindy
let out a dramatic sigh.
‘Well, I hope not, I mean it’s bad enough watching all those bodies going through the streets, you know, where they used to carry them through that town
. What was it called, now, um, Worcester
Bassett
, wasn’t it?’

‘No, you’re getting mixed up with the sauce,’ I mumbled under my breath, but it must have come out too loud, because Graham shot me a stern glare.

‘It’s Wootton Bassett,’ Graham smiled at Lindy, then switched off the smile to glare at me again.

I gathered up the plates and headed to the kitchen to sort out the main course.
I
had revisited my original idea of sea bass and instead had prepared salmon fillets, coating them in a chilli and ginger crust. A good dollop of dauphinoise potatoes accompanied the fish, together with some fresh
sweet corn
. It was going to be asparagus, but I didn’t like the way it made my pee smell.

The
remainder
of the evening passed in a bit of a blur.
I noticed Debbie and Katherine surreptitiously trying to make it look as if they had actually eaten some of the potato – they were shuffling it around their plates with their
forks, and Debbie attempted to
subtly bury some of it under her
sweet corn
.
I could feel Graham’s eyes lasering into me each time I put my wine glass to my lips, so I stayed
silent for the rest of the meal, nodding occasionally at the fatuous talk between the bimbos - fake tanning, clothes and
palates
seemed to be the mai
n topics – as the men droned on
about audits and banking regulations and derivatives
, and which team was going to win the Premier League, or maybe it was the Champions League, but I didn’t care either way, and I could feel my eyelids grow heavy
. It was a relief as I cleared the dessert plates
; I had chosen to make my special
homemade tiramisu that I was
immensely
proud of
- I knew it was good as one of Graham’s Italian clients had once come round for dinner and pronounced it ‘
bellissima
’ -
but I noticed that the girls didn’t touch it.
They didn’t even lift their spoons to their sour little mouths.
‘
Moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips
,’ Debbie had squealed, and I thought I should push mine away too, but then I thought sod the
m
, and I had cleaned my plate, every last little bit.

And it was a relief too, when I cleared the coffee cups and I knew that the guests would be leaving soon
. I didn’t want to look at them anymore, didn’t want to have to make any more small talk,
I was a little bit giddy
, yes, for sure,
a little bit drunk. I felt so inadequate in the face of these oh-so-clever men with their oh-so-pretty, oh
-
so-skinny wives and I felt
so
small inside, yet so large on the outside.
I was an upside-down iceberg.

And just as they were leaving,
just
as I was checking in the dining room to see if dopey Debbie had left her purse in there
-
before she realised that it was in her coat pocket
-
I heard Matt’s
arrogant
voice.

‘So, Graham, do you still have that secretary, er, what’s her name now...?’

‘Er, do you mean – ’
             

‘You mean Nikki
...Nikki with the big tits
?
’ Piers
interrupted
.

‘Nikki, yes, that’s the one
, great pair of bazookas. Lovely arse, too, as I recall. Bit of a shame, I didn’t see her at the office today.
’ Matt said.

They were trying to speak in low voices,
but they were using the whispers of drunk people,
thinking that they
couldn’t be heard, but I could hear
them clearly
.
Every
bloody
word.
Lindy, Katherine and Debbie
appeared to be completely
oblivious to the conversation, they were flapping about
and giggling as they searched for
Debbie’s purse, wobbling
around
on their silly high heels.

‘Yes, she’s not too bad a secretary either,’ Piers
said
. ‘I
mean, I
understand she’s very good at dick-taking, isn’t that right, Graham...er, sorry, Freudian slip there, I mean dictation of course.’

Matt and Piers cackled
simultaneously
and then Graham’s voice. ‘Yes, very funny guys, very funny, but shut up,
for God’s sake
, that’s how bloody rumours start
. Y
ou know what the
bloody office grapevine can be like
.’