Girl (23 page)

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My mistake
with Amy Brubaker was I didn't stand up to her at the start. And since I didn't she started to pick on me. And then one day at
Hillsider
Beth and I were putting in a picture of Kate Marshall, who was our star cross-country runner, and it was a cool picture, dark and shadowy, but Amy came and took it and said it was too blurry. We said it was okay, it was sort of artsy but Amy just stood in front of me and held the picture and wouldn't give it back. And everyone stopped what they were doing and Amy said how Nathan had broken the rules by making me assistant editor since you had to be picked the year before. And then she said how I thought I could do anything I wanted by having an attitude and thinking I was so much
cooler
than everyone else and how the other people had
worked
to get on
Hillsider
and they
believed
in it and I was just using it to get into college. And everyone was watching and no one said anything and it seemed like people agreed with her. And then Amy said, “Well?” And I couldn't answer and I was totally faced.

Cybil just laughed when I told her about Amy and it made me mad because I was really upset and I didn't know what to do. Cybil said I should fight her and I said “How?” She said, “Punch her in the face.” I was like, yeah right. And later I saw Nathan in the hall and he walked right past me and I thought Amy must be right and probably everyone really hated me.

The next day I was afraid to go to
Hillsider
after school and I hung out with Cybil by her car. And Betsy Warren was
blasting Color Green really loud but when the song was over a different group came on and after that a disc jockey came on and it was the
radio
. We all ran over to Betsy's car and looked at her stereo and it was KZCK FM Rock. Color Green was on FM radio! Matthew said it was also on the AM heavy-metal station. He said that Color Green had been getting airplay in Seattle for a couple weeks and now it was going national. And he shook his head and grinned at Cybil like,
that could be us
.

And it was such a drag because the next day I had to go to the
Hillsider
office because I told Nathan I'd look at his AIDS article. When I got there I felt so stupid and then Amy came in and she knew how bad she had faced me and she was drunk with power. And she stomped around telling everyone what to do and then she ripped down the Sins of Our Fathers poster and wadded it up and threw it in the trash. And then she told me to proofread her article and she said she wasn't sure if she was going to use it or not. I said, “Then why do you want me to proofread it?” And then Michael Strohecker told her to leave me alone and she said, “What?” And he said, “Leave Andrea alone.” And Amy tried to ignore him because he was just a junior but this time people agreed with him because everyone liked the Sins of Our Fathers poster and now they were getting sick of Amy.

Everyone was sick of everyone. But that didn't stop them from having parties. Wendy Simpson had about ten and she had become Party Queen of Hillside. Arid Darcy had found a new boyfriend from Camden and they were practically married according to everyone. And Rebecca was teaching Tom Petrovich how to give her orgasms. And the football season went on forever because they kept winning and advancing in the big state tournament so the cheerleaders were busy making banners and having rallies and getting sexually harassed by the football players. And then Mrs. Katz had an operation
and Mrs. Schroeder got all hysterical because someone wrote “Die bitch!” and drew swastikas on the card they were sending her. And then this really wild-looking freshman girl that nobody knew stole her stepfather's car and drove it into the wall by Hawthorne Tunnel at ninety miles an hour and there was a big controversy if it was suicide. So
The Oregonian
ran a big article about how many teen suicides were covered up as accidents and there was a sidebar about if heavy metal was really a cause of suicide or if it was just a symptom.

And then one day there was a thing in
The Oregonian
that said that Color Green was playing at Baker Theater with Mirage from England. The show was December 28. And I was immediately getting nervous like what would I do if I saw Todd and would he call me and would I have sex with him? Of course I would. In a second. Matthew was trying to get Sins of Our Fathers onto the bill as the local act and Eric K Club was now co-manager so he was involved. And Cybil said that Eric kept calling her and she was freaking out because she wasn't sure what he wanted since he wasn't pressuring her for sex or trying to impress her or any of the usual things.

And then Hillside got into the state championship and the whole football fever which had been this annoying rah-rah thing switched into this mystical thing where if a football player walked by everyone stopped talking and looked at him with total reverence. They were going to play in the stadium downtown against Carlton Tech, which was mostly black people from the North Side of town. And the Carlton team was already the state champions and so there were all these articles in
The Oregonian
about Hillside and our poor underdog football team.

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And it was getting cold out and raining and the leaves were off the trees and I felt like this was my last autumn and soon my high school life would be over. And I dug out my British overcoat and it was so woolly and wonderful that I'd go places just so I could wear it. And Cybil was always at practice and Rebecca was always with Tom so I'd ride the bus downtown and walk around by myself. I'd go to Scamp's and have frozen yogurt because I could blow off my homework now since it didn't really matter anymore, especially if I got into Wellington. And I would go into bookstores and read
The New York Times
and look at books or
Vogue
or whatever and I'd feel so adult and intelligent. And then I'd walk along Broadway and look in all the shops and let my mind fill up with all the things I could do in my life and how exciting everything was.

And then Cybil wanted to go to the big championship football game so we went in disguise with our big overcoats and hats and umbrellas. And Cybil wanted to watch the Carlton band because they were the best in the city so we sat in the Carlton parents section with all the black adults and it was sort of fun. The Carlton band totally jammed and played all these cool beats while our dumb band played “Hawaii Five-O” over and over. And the whole stadium was totally packed and it was pretty weird because it was like black people on one side and white people on the other. Then on the first play the Carlton guys made a touchdown and they danced around and after just a few minutes they made another one and at half time it was twenty-eight to nothing and Bobby Wingate threw his helmet at the bench. And the Carlton cheerleaders were totally hot during half time and making our girls look so prissy. And then we went to the bathroom and I was waiting for Cybil to come out of the stall and these black girls came up to me and they said I was in the wrong bathroom. I tried to shrug and I was too scared to talk
and then Cybil came out and she went right up to them and started talking to them and not showing any fear at all. They asked us if it was true that we didn't have any black people at our school. I couldn't think of any but I waited to see what Cybil said and she was like, “No, not that many.” They asked why not and Cybil said because no black people lived there. And they said we were racists and Cybil just shrugged and then we went out and they were right behind us but Cybil was walking really macho and not looking back. And when we got to the Hillside section we looked back and they were gone and we were so relieved.

After that we stayed on our own side. And it was so weird because you could feel the money and the nice clothes and how clean and white everyone was and they were yelling at the team and everyone was so pissed because we were getting creamed. And the more I thought about it the more pissed I got at those girls for facing us so bad and I wanted to go back and beat them up but obviously I couldn't. And I guess they were right, Hillside was racist but it wasn't me and Cybil's fault. And then on the first play of the second half Carlton got another touchdown and there was a fight on the field and everyone was moaning and we decided to leave.

But then in the parking lot these black guys were standing outside the gates and they started following us and one of them ran up to me and I just about jumped out of my skin. Cybil held my hand and they walked beside us and asked us if we were lesbians. And the one boy walked in front of us and said we should “try some dick” and he undid his pants to show us his. And I was getting really scared and our car was way out at the edge of the parking lot and I didn't know how we were going to make it. And then we saw these two white parents who were supposed to be patroling the parking lot but the black guys laughed like nothing was wrong and the white people just kept walking.

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But then nothing happened. We got to Cybil's car and they were still teasing us and goofing around and we got in and locked the doors and I was so freaked out I was shaking. So then we drove across the river to K Club and it was kind of quiet because Party Hats were playing and there weren't many people. Eric was there and we went in his office and he made us tea and Cybil explained what happened and she was so casual about it but I felt terrible and like I was becoming such a racist. But after some tea we felt better and Eric was so nice and gentle and he just
adored
Cybil, you could tell. And then he said he had a surprise for us and he unrolled this poster and it said Mirage at Baker Theater with special guests Color Green and
Sins of Our Fathers
. And Cybil's mouth dropped open and my mouth dropped open and Eric just beamed.

But while we were drinking tea and relaxing with Eric there was a huge fight in the stadium parking lot after the football game. The police had to come and it was basically Carlton versus Hillside, black against white. So then on Monday we had this big assembly and we had racial awareness in all our classes and it was so weird because it seemed like the more we talked about it the worse it got. Like Mrs. Schroeder said if you see a black person in a store you should smile and be nice to them and try to act normal. And then someone drew a bunch of swastikas and KKKs in the boys bathroom and the teachers got all upset and then we had to have
another
assembly and everyone was totally bumming out. And then
The Oregonian
ran this big article about how the real estate people around Hillside wouldn't let blacks move in and it was this big scandal and everyone was accusing everyone else and the whole thing just made you feel sick to your stomach

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The only bad thing
about having Cybil for your best friend was she didn't like to talk about boys. I mean she would but she wouldn't gush or discuss sex or gossip like most girls. Her idea of talking about boys was to get really depressed and wonder how anyone could ever connect with anyone else. Or if boys could think past the ends of their penises. And also she never wanted to go boyfriend hunting. Not even in a sarcastic way. Like you couldn't call up Cybil and say you felt horny and let's go down to Monte Carlo. And it was weird because it rubbed off on me and when I would hear girls being really giggly about a guy I would act aloof and think how dumb they were and how shallow. But then other times I would look in the mirror and I would think how it was such a waste to be seventeen and not scamming on boys in a major way.

And then Beth finally got Nathan to ask her out and since she was really my only friend at
Hillsider
I had to go to Arctic Circle and listen to all the details of their date, how they went to a movie and went for pizza and how they talked about college and marriage and what kind of families they would have. And inside I was like,
oh, please
, but outside I was like, “Really? He said that?” And on Thursdays Amy had swimming practice so I could go to
Hillsider
without worrying about another confrontation. And Michael Strohecker was always there and I hadn't really thought of him as a boyfriend prospect but he was kind of cute and he stuck up for me and he seemed easy to talk to.

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Then Cybil made out with Eric. It happened on a Wednesday night when she was at K Club. They were hanging out and he asked if he could kiss her and she said okay and then they made out on the couch in his office. After she told me I was like, “Well?” She was like, “Well what?” I said, “Do you like him more?” She said, “Why would I like him more?” And I gritted my teeth and I said, “
Because you made out with him
!” But she didn't understand and she said how weird it was and she figured it would screw everything up and she was being totally impossible.

So then I wanted to go out with someone and I thought of Michael Strohecker. I went to his locker after school and talked to him about music and I asked him if he felt like going downtown to Poor Boy Records. He said sure but then he looked at me really strangely like he couldn't believe I had asked him out. I drove and he was acting totally weird and his ego was getting so big because he thought I was in love with him. And then at the record store he made me look at horrible jazz records and he didn't even like heavy metal and he was a boy! And then these two really cute skate boys walked in. They were looking at cool stuff and I was watching them but Michael yelled at me to come look at a Grateful Dead bootleg and it was so embarrassing.

And then Eric K Club invited me and Cybil to a party at his parents' house at Lake Oswego. It was this big house and all these older music-business types were there, guys with leather jackets, women with miniskirts and leopard skin tops and too much freckles from tanning machines. Matthew came and we had “cocktails” and acted sophisticated and Matthew told us who everyone was and tried to get Cybil to talk to this woman Ronnie Kincaid who was a big shot in the music business. And me and Cybil were totally
dressed and I had my hair up and tons of lipstick and we looked very striking and all the men were staring at us.