Girl Against the Universe (21 page)

CHALLENGES

1. Make the tennis team.

2. Ride in a car with someone besides Mom: Jordy

3. Spend a day in a crowded place: Tennis tournament.

4. Take something back from the Universe: Rock climbing

5. Ride public transportation: Team bus

6. Face a specific past fear: Roller coaster

7.

GOAL

Plane ride to Ireland for memorial service

Part of me thinks getting back on a roller coaster is the worst idea ever, but it's a good challenge, and like Daniel suggested at the start, it's me pushing myself. The bus ride went fine, and hopefully my mom will let me go to San Jose with Tom, but that's not for a few weeks. Maybe this is the next logical step—facing a fear specific to my past.

I pick up Jade first, and then we drive to Penn's house to get her and her friend. I figure Jordy should be in the middle of a practice session, but I don't feel like running into him, so I pull my car over to the side of the road and send her a text.

She comes out of the house a few minutes later, with Jordy right behind her.

“What is he doing?” I peer over at Jade. “Is she
bringing
him?”

Jade holds up her hands, displaying a set of perfectly manicured fingernails. “I have no idea.”

Jordy seems equally thrilled when he sees my car. He pauses on the porch, and Penn leans in to tell him something. He shakes his head. She looks up at him, reaches out, touches his arm. He shakes his head again, turns back toward the house. She slips between him and the door. I can't hear what they're saying, but they're both throwing around a lot of violent hand gestures.

“This is not what I need today,” I mutter.

Apparently Penn wins the fight, because Jordy plasters a smile on his face and follows her down the driveway.

“This should be interesting.” Jade hops out of the passenger seat, and Penn slides into the back. Jade gets in beside her, leaving Jordy standing awkwardly next to the car.

He squats down to talk to me through the open window. “I'm sorry, Maguire. When my sister begged me to go to Belmont with her, I didn't know you were going too. I'll just let you guys go and have fun.”

“Come on,” Penn says from the backseat. “You told Mom you were taking a day off, and you should take it.”

“Right. I will. But I've got homework and stuff I can do.”

“What is wrong with you, Jordy? I thought you were done letting them take away everything that matters.” Penn's voice is shrill.

“You should come,” I say suddenly. My heart feels like it's crowding out the rest of my organs, pressing on my ribs, closing up my throat. “I'm going to ride the roller coaster. I'll
take all the moral support I can get.”

“Maguire.” Jordy sounds shocked. “No one expects you to do that.”

“Daniel and I decided it was okay. I want to. I mean, I definitely do not want to, but I want to, if that makes any sense.” I pause. “Please come.”

“Yeah, please come,” Penn echoes.

He glances over at Jade. “Are you going to chime in too?”

“Nah. I don't like you as much as these two do.” A slow grin spreads across her face. “I was hoping Penn's friend was going to turn out to be Kimber's brother.”

Penn pokes her in the arm. “Kimber has a brother?” she mimics. “I knew you were into him.”

“Darius is a punk,” Jordy says with a half smile. And then, “All right. I'll come. Do you want me to drive?”

“I'm good,” I say.

He slides into the passenger seat and everyone buckles their seat belts. I do a five-second check and then pull away from the curb. I scan left and right as I drive, watching the houses go by, soft pastel stucco blurring into a muted rainbow. Children with their parents frolic on front lawns, dancing in and out of jagged shadows cast by palm trees high above their heads. I brake as I come up on a slow-moving pickup, a chocolate Labrador hanging over the truck bed with its tongue flapping in the breeze.

“Cute dog.” Penn leans forward for a better look.

“I want a dog,” Jade says. “But my mom won't let me have pets. She wouldn't even let me have a goldfish when I was little.”

“Sounds like our mom,” Penn says. “She thinks animals are dirty and require too much upkeep.”

I make a couple more turns and then merge onto the highway. Jordy sits quietly next to me, his thumb swiping at the screen of his phone occasionally, his eyes flicking from the road back to his lap.

My anxiety builds as we near Belmont Park. By the time I drive through the entrance, my skin is cool and clammy and my heart is beating like a runaway horse. The lot looks like an explosion of confetti, shiny cars and brightly dressed kids everywhere. I pull the car into a spot and shift into park. My eyelids fall shut for a moment, blocking out all the colors and motion. Maybe this was a terrible idea.

No one is going to die
, I remind myself.

“Are you going to be okay?” Jordy asks. “I know how much you hate amusement parks.”

Jade sighs. “How can you hate amusement parks? That's unnatural.”

“One of those phobia-causing issues from my past was a roller coaster accident,” I tell her. “The car jumped the track at the bottom of a hill. A lot of people got hurt.”

“Whoa, I take it back,” she says. “And you seriously want to ride the Dipper?”

No.
“Yes.” I nod. “I don't want you guys to come with me, but maybe you can all hang out close by with your phones just in case.”

Penn shrugs. “Wherever you need us.”

“We got your back,” Jade says.

“I want to ride with you,” Jordy says.

I shake my head. “I'd rather have you a safe distance away, but ready to help if anything goes wrong.”

“Let's get in line and get our wristbands,” Penn says. “Then we can figure out who is doing what.”

Penn and Jade do their best to keep me away from the roller coaster for the first hour. Maybe they think I need a chance to get acclimated to the park to feel safe, or maybe they think the day is going to be wrecked for everyone after I try to ride it.

I fall quickly into my normal routine of looking out for possible hazards. In a place like Belmont Park, that is basically a full-time job. Ninety-five percent of the people here are looking at their phones or each other instead of watching where they are going. There are little kids dangling from ropes on the rock climbing wall and park employees threading their way through the crowds at too quick of a speed. Not to mention every carnival ride we pass seems to be corroded with rust.
This could not be any worse
, I think. And then a man on stilts wobbles into view.
I stand corrected.

“Earth to Maguire?”

Crap. Apparently Jordy's been talking to me and I
haven't heard a word he's said.

I force myself to look away from Stilt Man, but my eyes fall on a row of darts with shiny metal tips lined up on the counter of a dart-toss game. “I'm sorry. What?”

“I said do you want to play something?”

“Nah, but you guys can.”

Jordy does a quick lap of the midway to check out the possibilities and stops in front of a basketball game called Fantastic Free Throw. The contestant has to make three baskets in a row to win, but the hoops are smaller than regulation size and higher than for a normal free throw.

“This isn't going to end well.” Penn shakes her head.

Jordy makes two but then misses the third. He tries again and only makes one. “You suck, bro,” Penn says. “Give it up.”

He grabs her and puts her in a headlock. “Why are you so mean?”

She twists her way out of his grasp. “Because it's fun.”

“One more try,” Jordy says. This time all three of his shots miss the mark.

“Come on,” Jade says. “Maguire doesn't want you to win her any crap anyway.”

“My dad would be so embarrassed by my performance.” Jordy scans the game booths again. “I suppose a game involving tennis is too much to hope for?”

“You are such a one-trick pony,” Penn teases. “Let me school you on this.” She hands over some cash and takes the
set of three basketballs from the attendant. She hands two of them to Jade. “Hold my balls,” she says with a grin. Then she bends low, bounces the ball once on the ground in front of her, and arches her body toward the basket.

Swish, nothing but net.

Jordy's jaw about hits the concrete. “How did you—”

“Shh.” She takes the next ball from Jade. “I'm in the zone.” She spins this ball in her fingertips, bends low again, and shoots. This one bounces off the rim and falls in. She cackles, takes aim with the third ball. “She shoots, she scores!” she shouts as the ball swishes through the opening. She turns to Jordy. “That's how it's done.”

“You never cease to amaze me, little sis.”

“It's all part of my evil plan to become Dad's favorite. You know, since you're Mom's favorite.”

“Lucky me,” Jordy says. “All that overbearing maternal attention.”

Penn furrows her brow as she considers the available prizes. “I think I'll take the dolphin.”

“No, not the dolphin!” Jordy cringes. “Maguire hates dolphins.”

I bite my lip but a smile escapes anyway. “I do
not
hate dolphins.”

Penn accepts a giant stuffed dolphin from the attendant and raps her brother on the head with it.

Jade snatches the dolphin from Penn's arms and presses its pointed snout against my face. “Why you no like me?” she
asks in a high-pitched, squealy voice.

“You guys are idiots.” I yank the dolphin out of her arms. “Maybe I'll take this on the roller coaster with me. No big deal if it gets mangled, right?”

Penn grins. “Are we ready for that action?”

“I think we should probably save it for last,” I say. “Just in case I freak out.” Or cause a massive equipment failure that injures nineteen people.

We spend the next hour riding other rides, starting with the bumper cars, an activity that seems safe by amusement park standards. Slowly we make our way through Belmont. I opt out of some of the rides. Fear or not, I've never been big on being spun around in a circle until I'm too dizzy to stand up.

Penn and Jade take a ride on the tilt-a-whirl and Jordy decides to sit it out with me. Turns out he isn't a big fan of spinning either. I do a five-second check as they wait in line and we stand off to the side, leaning on a wooden railing.

“I'm glad I came,” he says suddenly.

I turn toward him and the look in his eyes is so intense that for a moment the background fades. The shouts, the smells, the bright colors all seem muted. It reminds me of the day at Joshua Tree, how when we kissed it was like being sucked into a vortex, just the two of us, while the rest of the world carried on oblivious.

If only that feeling didn't scare me so much.

“I'm glad you did too,” I say.

The ride starts up and we both turn to watch Penn and Jade get loaded into a car with two other girls who look like eighth or ninth graders. Penn is clutching her stuffed dolphin and each time she and Jade whiz past she holds it out like it wants to kiss me.

Jordy laughs and I realize how much I've missed that sound. I look from him to Penn and Jade as they fly by again and it hits me that even if he and I are never more than friends, making three new friends in a semester is pretty amazing. I've gained so much over the past couple of months, and it all started with my therapy challenges. Sure, I'm able to do things now like ride in cars with other people and hopefully I'll make it on that plane next month, but no matter what happens, working with Daniel has made my life profoundly better.

The ride slows to a stop. A few minutes later, Penn and Jade wander up to us looking windblown and slightly dizzy. Jade has one arm out for balance. We turn as a group and follow the park's main path.

“What's next?” Penn chirps.

“Giant Dipper,” I say.

Jade squeezes my arm. “You sure? We won't care if you change your mind.”

Did I mention how awesome my new friends are? “It feels like the thing to do,” I say. “And look, the entrance is right around the corner.”

Sure enough, the path we've taken through the park has
led us to the end of the roller coaster's line.

The Giant Dipper is one of those wooden and metal monstrosities with a lot of steep hills and sharp curves. One of the cars rockets past us high in the air and metal shrieks on metal. The passengers scream. The last car clatters violently on the tracks.

My breath hitches and my chest goes tight. I consider changing my mind, but I know if I walk away that I'll regret it later.
No one is going to die
. This is the right thing to do. I want to face my fears.

“So what do you want us to do again?” Jade asks. “Just be at the ready in case anyone . . . gets hurt? Maybe one of us can hang out near the first hill and one of us closer to the end?”

“I know it sounds a little crazy,” I say.

Jade winks. “Normal is boring.”

“It sounds thoughtful to me,” Penn says, “preparing for an accident that isn't even going to happen, just because you don't want anyone else to get hurt.”

Jordy nods slowly. “I agree with both of them. But I still want to ride with you. You made the decision to come here on your own, which is all kinds of brave. But that doesn't mean you should have to sit through the ride alone, or with a stranger next to you.”

I pause for a moment before answering, remembering Daniel saying I should have someone with me. “All right, fine. You can come.”

Penn and Jade jog off to take their positions. Jordy and I take our place at the end of the line, which seems to have a thousand people in it, almost all of whom appear blissfully relaxed at the idea of putting their lives into the hands of a nameless fun-park architect and a teen ride operator making minimum wage. Okay, sure, there are a smattering of people fidgeting with nerves and the occasional smaller kid gripping a parent's hand. But probably no one believes there's a chance they might die today. And definitely no one is thinking about how their mere presence might kill someone.

I envy them.

I look back at the pathway leading through the park, the warm sun beckoning me to safety. My shoulders turn but my feet stay put. A throng of what look like middle school kids gallop into the chute behind us, breathless and unkempt. For a second I see them as ungainly calves, lining up to go one by one to their slaughter.