Give Me Yesterday (24 page)

I mull over his words for a second. I’ve been tipping over the wall into happy ever since I met Chase. Can I do it? Can I open myself up again completely? Be happy without guilt? I decide I want to try, so I shore up my courage and jerk my head up and down. Chase’s smile is brilliant, spreading something sweet through me. He bounds out of the car and lopes over to my side. Opening my door, he reaches a hand out to me, and I hesitate, feeling that this moment is now or never. I’m making the choice whether to move forward.
Deep breaths, girl.

The next thing I know, my hand is tightly clasped in Chase’s. He lifts me from the car, straight into his arms, kissing me deeply, and I melt. When it’s over, he tucks me into his side, shuts the door and locks it. We decide to skip the garage entrance and make our way to the front for the full experience.

The front of the massive stone building peaks at the top, with multiple columns, sporting bright colored banners. We walk up the steps and each one seems to build another layer of anxiety. I’m surprised when I feel the same stiffness in Chase.

Through the massive glass doors is a tall, marble lobby with an escalator right in front of us. This is it.
Deep breaths.
Our hands clasped tightly, our fingers entwined, giving strength and support to each other. The escalator rises smoothly and I can already hear the sounds of children echoing in the large, open spaces. We take the second escalator from the lower level to the main level. I let Chase guide me, and he strolls immediately to the right into a section about crime labs. It seems a safe decision; something we can get immersed in, easing us into the day.

From there, we retrace our steps and go to the big display in the center of the room, the world’s largest pinball machine. We watch with fascination as the silver ball travels through the various tunnels, and Chase makes me laugh with his silly commentary. A few teenagers stand close enough to hear Chase and they end up joining in the fun until we are all laughing with tears leaking from our eyes. We hit the coal mine that goes down, deep below the museum, the transportation section so that Chase can drool over the cars. Every exhibit we explore leaves a little of the darkness behind. We walk through a World War II submarine, see a brilliant show at the planetarium, and more. From time to time, I see a child glowing with joy, and I feel the infectiousness of their smiles.

The day flies by in a flurry, until I feel so free, I don’t even think about helping up the little boy who trips in front of me. I kneel down and wipe away his tears, kissing his forehead and helping him find his mom. When we pass him off to her, I feel Chase take my hand again, then he tucks me back into his side. When I look up, he’s smiling down at me, his eyes shining with adoration and—and…
Deep breaths.

It’s early evening and we’ve visited almost every exhibit, so I suggest that we pick up some Chinese and snuggle up in front of a movie. I’m still absorbed in my surroundings when I am stopped abruptly by my hand being held tight from behind me, preventing me from continuing forward. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before turning around. I know what he’s going to say, what he wants me to do. I was so hoping he would forget.

I turn around, a fake smile plastered on my face. “What’s up? You don’t want Chinese?”

“We missed one.” Chase’s voice is soft, but I hear the undercurrent of steel.

“Really?” I respond, nonchalantly.

“Come on.” He tugs gently. “Let’s go see the fairy castle.”

“I’m not really into fairies, Chase.” I force a chuckle. “I don’t need to see it.”

Chase doesn’t respond, he just turns and walks in the opposite direction, his grip on my hand forcing me to follow. We approach the dark room and enter, where I see the most beautiful doll house in the world. The dim lighting enhances the spotlight on the display so the castle is the clear focal point. It’s surrounded by a walkway with intermittent phones to pick up and listen to explanations about each room. It’s incredible. But, that’s not what makes it hard to breathe. The walkway is filled with mothers and daughters, each enchanted by the beauty in front of them, sharing the magic together, and seeing every little girl’s dream. To be a fairy princess.

I stand in the opening, frozen, until I’m bumped from behind by a young woman moving around me to enter, with a lovely, dark-haired little girl in her arms. I begin to back away, but Chase won’t let me run away. He glances into the room and I see anguish twist his features, but when he looks back at me, he’s schooled his face and the only emotions I see are empathy, and determination. “You can do this, Tori. Take her with you. Show her the castle together.”

Deep Breaths
. I step over the threshold onto the plush navy blue carpet, the castle sparkling in the overhead lighting. A feeling of happiness washes over me, a sense of contentment, and of excitement. I imagine Sarah, see her in a little pink outfit, with a tiara on her reddish curls, looking at the castle with awe. I lift the first phone and listen, imagining how it would feel to be sharing that little phone with her, listening to her giggle. And once again, I feel joy wash over me.

We move through the room, stopping at each phone, and every step toward the end becomes easier. My feet become lighter, rather than trudging along. When we reach the exit, I sigh and feel the last of my unease and fear trickle out. I look back and feel as though I just spent the last hour with my baby girl, content in sharing something so special with her.

In my peripheral, I see Chase leaning heavily on the wall behind him, looking at the women and girls behind him with pain in his eyes. He must notice my gaze, because his eyes meet mine and he lets me see the unguarded pain. I walk to him and envelope him in my arms. It’s time to carry him.

“Chase, open up to me, please?” I beg.

He shuts his eyes tight and I fear that he’ll retreat behind his secrets again.

“She’ll never have this. A mother-daughter experience like this. I took that away.”

I don’t have time to revel in the fact that he’s finally letting me see inside, but latch onto his last statement.

“Oh, Chase. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know it wasn’t your fault. There is so much good in you, so much love. I believe with every fiber of my being that whatever it was, you did everything you could to avoid what happened, and it couldn’t have been your fault. You are always telling me to let go of the guilt. Honey, you’ve got to take some of your own medicine.”

I hug him close, his forehead falls forward to rest on my shoulder, and I smooth my palm down his hair. I feel a tiny shudder wrack through him, and turn my head so my lips graze his ear.

His arms encircle my waist, locking in place as he lifts his head, his mouth at my ear. “Damn, I love you. You’re everything to me, Tori.” Then he buries his face in my neck.

Every single bit of fear I’ve felt for the last ten years comes crashing down on me and the voice telling me to take deep breaths is suffocated along with the rest of me.

I
t’s been two days since I admitted that I loved her. And for two days now, she’s been incredibly “busy” and wrapped up in an “important” case. Despite my pushiness to spend the night Sunday and Monday night, she managed to blow me off each time.

I haven’t seen her and have barely spoken to her in two days, which is making me lose my goddamned mind.

Now, I sit here in the parking lot of the florist and am visibly shaking with stress that I may have pushed her away from me for good. The thought causes my stomach to ache and I wonder if I’ll fucking puke right here in my car.

With a frustrated growl, I jerk myself out of the car and stalk into the shop. I’ve missed the last two Tuesdays, spending them with Tori. When the clerk at the desk sees me, he takes a step back from the counter.

“Can I help you sir?”

I yank my wallet out and nod. “Daffodils.”

His eyes widen and for a moment fear flashes over his features. “Sir, we’re all out. There was a problem with our supplier but everything should be a go for next week.”

I gape at him, shock from his words momentarily stunning me.

No daffodils.

No flowers.

I’ve let her down.

Everything is a blur as I exit the shop and get back into my car. Not bothering to turn it on, I grip the steering wheel and thump my head against it. Softly at first—enough to be annoying. But then I find myself slamming my forehead against it as quickly and as hard as I can. With each blow, darkness explodes over my vision and I sway with dizziness.

Those flowers are all I can give to her.

And they don’t fucking have them.

Slam after slam, I punish myself.

Memories of the hospital, after the accident, crash over me.

“Code Gray!” the nurse shrieks as she smashes the button on my bed.

I’m twice her size and I can see the fear in her eyes.

Of me.

Just like Ashley.

Well, they should be afraid of me.

I’m a fucking monster.

With a roar, I continue slinging shit into the floor and crashing into anything and everything in my way. When my bare feet slip on the crushed vase on the floor that was full of flowers from my sister, I drop to my knees and jerk up a chunk of the glass.

“Chase,” the nurse says in a calm tone. “Put the glass down. Let me give you something to calm you.”

I shoot her a venomous glare. “Calm me? I’ll be calm when I’m dead too!”

I squeeze the glass in my fist with all my strength, desperate to feel the biting pain, but it isn’t sharp enough to exact any damage. Seconds later, a security guard, my doctor, and three nurses blast in. I scream and thrash but they manage to restrain me. Soon, the frightened nurse presses a needle into my vein and a calmness washes over me.

“Everything will be okay, Chase,” she coos and strokes the hair away from my forehead and then sets to checking on the bandage along my hairline. “But open up this wound again and I’ll be forced to take you over my knee.”

Her playful attempts to lift my spirits have my heart warming. Visions of the tiny nurse spanking me as if I’m some child bring a real smile to my lips before I’m stolen away by my nightmares.

I blink my eyes open when I hear voices on the other side of my window. The world tilts and I squint to see the concerned clerk on the other side. His eyes widen and he shouts through the window.

“Sir, can I call 911 for you?”

I drag my gaze to see blood staining my jeans and down the front of my shirt. Glancing quickly into the mirror, I see that I’ve not only cracked both lenses in my glasses but I also busted my nose during my meltdown.

Shit.

“No, I, uh… let me call my girlfriend.”

My brain is fuzzy and I’m confused. Hauling my phone from my pocket, I dial her number.

“Ms. Larkin’s phone,” Stacey answers. Her voice is firm, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was prepared for my phone call. To deflect my getting through to Tori. Traitor.

“Let me speak to her,” I demand.

“Chase, I’m sorry but she’s with a cl—”

I cut her off. “I need her help. I’m hurt and not right in the fucking head, Stacey.”

She goes silent but I can hear her muffled words, she and Tori arguing. Eventually Tori speaks.

“Chase, I’m really busy and—”

“Why are you pushing me away?”

My head throbs and I jerk off my broken glasses, tossing them onto the floorboard. Blood continues to pour from my nose and I lean against the headrest.

“Chase? What’s wrong? You sound different?”

I
am
different.

I’m fucking broken.

“Um, I don’t know. I can’t see and my glasses are broken. Please come get me and take me home. I’ll leave you alone after that. I just need to see you one last time.”

She starts barking orders to Stacey and I hear a jingle of keys. “Chase, where are you? I don’t like all this talk of not seeing me again. I’m coming to get you.”

I can’t remember the address so I roll down the window and hand my bloody phone to the clerk. He seems horrified but snatches the phone. In hushed tones, he rattles out words that don’t make sense to me. Rolling my eyes back, I doze off and dream of Tori.