Glimmer (11 page)

"I'd have thought you would have been anxious, all ready to get this show on the road. Your Vessel is waiting patiently for you. That girl has been trained well, you're lucky. Most first Vessel-mates are foolish and preoccupied by ridiculous notions of love. This girl is solid."

I slip the clean tunic overhead, thinking how he would change his perception of Perfection if he knew her like I did. She's always been a trivial and silly girl, but now she's my mate.

A pang runs through me.

My mate.

I put my hand to my heart, seeking Lucy's face in my mind, and allow myself to indulge in remembering our connection, our kiss, our hands held tight. My body brightens and so does my heart. Our love is true. I can hold onto that. This business with Perfection is just that. Business.

"Everything okay? I can see your light from under the door. What are you doing in there?"

"I'm ready," I say, opening the door with more confidence than I've felt in a while and walk one step closer to the one I love.

Promising my devotion to another girl first is nothing but a slight detour.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Lucy

The room is still, like I've just said something terrible or tragic. Something less about love and more about death. A pang reverberates though me and I touch my heart. It's beating, full of warmth. I want to believe it's because of Lukas, reaching out to me.

"So--" Layla begins, but then stops. Ernie does the same thing. Finally Charlie speaks.

"Look, this is a lot to take in. No offense, Lucy, but you've, like, dropped a huge bomb on us."

"I didn't mean ... I was just answering your questions...." I shake my head, confused.

"No, I don't mean it in a bad way. I meant it in a literal way. Like, this is a crazy amount of news. We don't live in a world of news. We live in a Very. Slow. World. Where news travels as fast as a horse can carry it. You've brought us an entire year’s worth of information at once."

I nod, understanding. I remember how exhausting it was to absorb all the new information when I arrived at The Light.

"Charlie's right. Why don't you come upstairs with me and I can get you some clean clothes, and let you wash up," Layla says, gently. "Ernie, could you see to getting the girls some warm water to wash with?"

He answers with a nod and jumps of the couch, eager for a task.

"Can you find Timid?" I ask. "She needs a bath and clothes, too."

"Of course," Ernie says. "Charlie, will you get the water while I find where Junie took Timid?"

Charlie nods, slipping his boots back on before walking out of the room. I stand, letting my eyes follow him, caught as he turns around, smiling quietly at me before he shuts the back door behind him.

I follow Layla up the stairs to a landing with several bedroom doors lining the hall. She walks into one and begins rooting though an ancient chest of drawers, squeaking as she pulls them open.

"This will probably fit," she says, holding up a T-shirt and sweater. "Pants are usually a little trickier. Do you know what size you are?"

I shake my head no. I always wore ill-fitting compound leftovers or the gowns at The Light.

"These will work. If they are loose I can get you a belt, okay?" She roots through another drawer and produces underclothes for me, adding them to the pile. We walk out of the room and she pushes open another door. "The bathroom is here, only not really. You have to use the toilet outside. You can fill this sink with the water once Charlie brings it up, okay? It will drain below to the bucket underneath when you're done."

I understand the workings she shows me. I'm used to living like this. I lived in an enclosed home for my entire life, after all. Layla reaches into a cabinet and pulls something out, handing it to me.

"Here's an extra toothbrush, I'm giving you one because you are Lukas's...." she doesn't finish. But a luxury like this is a generous gift. I'm hoping it means she's warming up to me. "Here, let me grab a towel from downstairs for you okay?"

She walks out of the small bathroom and I hear another set of footsteps come toward me. Charlie.

"Here's some warm water." He sets a large pitcher down on the counter, with steam rising from the top. "I wanted you to know, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're safe. I've thought of you so many times since the night you left." He walks back to the door letting his eyes linger on me. I feel exposed. It feels good.

"I've thought of you too, Charlie." Because I had, I remember the dreams I had when I first arrived at The Light, where he walked beside me as I rode Lucky towards the apple tree.

"There's a party down in the woods tonight. If you want to come, I can take you. I'm sure Junie will wanna go."

I hesitate. Would Lukas want me to go somewhere with Charlie? Would it hurt him if he knew?

"I've gotta keep you safe, Lucy, if you're my little brother's girl, right?" His eyes smile at me, and I hope they aren't saying more than his words are as he stands at the door to leave.

"You're right, I think that is your job," I say, grinning in relief as he walks away.

I've never been to a party, but am thankful someone as honorable as Charlie is the one taking me. Lukas would never be hurt by that, which is a good thing, because I would never want to do anything that might cause him pain. You don't hurt the ones you love.

Lukas

Everyone at the Refuge has gathered in the Haven. A melodious choir of Vessels line the Haven. The room is lit, glowing, and so is Perfection. She stands at the door, waiting for me. She wears bright white silk, her hair braided intricately and wrapped around her head. 

"I can't believe this is happening," she whispers, breathlessly as I greet her. "I can't believe I'm yours." Her eyes search mine in true wonderment.

I delight her.

I will disappoint her.

There is nothing I can do to stop this.

I smile thinly at her; unable to speak when I know how deceptive I am. I reach out my arm for her to hold as we walk down the center aisle towards the Councilmen waiting for us on the platform.

Looking away from Perfection, I try to focus on Lucy. Lucy alone.

I want to honor her, even if I am hurting her.

Head Councilman Conviction places a goblet down on the white stone alter. Once we're at the front of the room, Perfection kneels and bows her head. Her gauzy gown flows to her bare feet. She moves with ease and it is no surprise, she's watched hundreds of these ceremonies over the course of her life. She doesn't appear nervous at all, pledging her life to me seems second nature, but panic sweeps over me just watching her.

Conviction hands me the goblet I'm to give Perfection. She takes a drink, knowing by sipping from this goblet she promises to drink in everything The Light wants to give. Filling herself, her
Vessel
,
with everything I offer.

She hands it back to me, with glistening eyes. This day means everything to her, although I wish it didn't. I set the goblet down, knowing this ceremony is one-sided. Not just now, with my disingenuous promises to her, but because all the Binding Ceremonies here are one-sided. It's always the woman pledging to the man, it is nothing about the man vowing any commitment, honor, and love to the woman. This isn't a partnership; it is pledging yourself to a dictatorship. That isn't what I want, that is why I want Lucy. She understands the difference. Feeling emptier than when I entered the Haven, my light seems to blur and becomes hazy.

Conviction whispers sharply to me across the altar, "Expand your Light. Don't mess this up, everyone is counting on you."

I nod my head in understanding that I need to give a good show for everyone gathered. I work to focus because my body is responding to the way I feel. Closing my eyes momentarily, I try to remember the reason I'm taking this vow today. I'm doing it for Lucy. It's all for Lucy. My body illuminates more brightly and Conviction looks satisfied.

I take Perfection's hand in mine, and turn, facing the Haven where every Vessel in the Haven stands and begins to sing in complete, beautiful unity,

"Now bound to our souls,

You’re in our fold forever more.

May we grow Lighter each day as the

Holy time draws near."

It's a song usually sung by Vessel-mates, but since she's the first of mine, the entire Refuge sings to her, the Noblelady of The Light.

I lead her behind the altar table where Conviction hands us each a golden band. We walk solemnly up a small staircase so the congregation can better see us and we stand face-to-face.

This is the part that will hurt me the most, hurt Lucy the most, ultimately hurt Perfection the most. I slip a golden band over Perfection's finger. Then she takes my hand in hers, completely steady as she holds mine. I wish I saw even a trace of nerves flash across her flawless face, but nothing. Her pristine poise remains as she slips the band on my finger, looking up at me expectantly.

I pause, not wanting this to happen, but knowing every eye in the sanctuary is on me, keenly aware of each movement I make.

I have no choice. I lean down to Perfection and softly kiss her pink lips.  No kaleidoscope of color is set off, and for that I am relieved. She presses her mouth against mine, and it would be a lie to say I felt nothing. But I do, her kiss covers my mouth, and it is sweet and pure and good.

I close my eyes, wanting to disappear for a moment. Forever.

I want to erase and forget and deny.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Lucy

I drop the washrag and grab the porcelain sink for support, feeling as though the wind has been knocked out of me. Looking in the mirror, I focus on my face, wanting to steady myself.

Touching my lips I feel a heat move over them, but then it passes, and as quickly as it came, it is gone. My hands shake.

As strange as it sounds I feel like a wave of frigid air has swept through me.

Lukas.

I close my eyes, hoping he hasn't taken ill again, hasn't lost his Light. Because this time, I'm not there to help him get it back.

Lukas

I open my eyes and look at Perfection who stands so radiant in the light that sweeps over us, over the Haven.

She nods slightly, prompting me to finish the service with the words that will seal us together in the eyes of The Light.

"I declare Perfection as my Vessel-mate. She will walk with me as I guide her in the ways of The Light." My voice rings throughout the sanctuary, I rarely address the fold, but this is the way the Binding ceremonies works. I announce my Vessel-mate, declaring the one Bound to me. 

Her eyes beam with joy as we exit the Haven. We have a few minutes before we're supposed to enter the meal room where a banquet is laid out for us. We're supposed to wait until everyone has been seated before we make our entrance.

I never eat in the common meal rooms; I eat alone, just like Lucy preferred. But everyone Humbleman and Vessel, every son and daughter, wants to partake in the joyous event that has taken place for The Light. I've diligently fulfilled the duty requested of me, much to everyone's delight. 

"Conviction says we should wait in the great room," I tell Perfection. There aren't a lot of common rooms for people to relax. Relaxing isn't a practice of The Light.

"Or we could go to your room. No one will notice. We can do whatever we want now, Nobleman. We are
Bound
."

"My room?" I shake my head, confused.

"Well, you have a chamber room right, with a study and couches and chairs, don't you?" Her eyes change, suddenly sultry and wanting. "And a bed?"

I can't encourage this.

"Let's go to the great room. I could use a glass of water." I start walking faster, blowing air out of my cheeks.

"Wait for me, I'm the Noblelady. I can't walk alone." She grabs my arm, tugging on it. It isn't characteristic of how Vessels act. They are never clingy, their role is to be on hand for their Humbleman, certainly not equals. I don't know where she's seen an example of this sort of relationship.

I know my body and face are rigid as I pull away. Her head bows with shame, no longer the self-confident girl whose lips I just kissed.

"I don't mean anything by it. It's just not how Vessels are supposed to act, Perfection. I can't have you giving anyone ideas. The Councilmen won't like it." They won't, but neither will I.

"I just thought we could make our own rules. Can't you do anything you want? You're the Nobleman. You are in charge of us all."

I push open the door to the great room and pour a glass of water from a pitcher set on the table. There is a Vessel here whose entire job is to refill this stupid pitcher of water for any passing Humbleman who may want it. I set it down, filled with disgust at my own life.

"No, Perfection, you don't get it. I can't do anything I want. I make no choices for myself."

"But...." her eyes spin like wheels, as though she was calculating something in her head. “But me, you chose me, right?"

I can't look at her, so instead I study the ring on my finger. Her promise to me. We've been Bound for minutes and already I've let her down.

And she doesn't even know the half of it.

That we're not really Bound, not in my heart at least, she just thinks we are. The lines are growing blurry and crossed.

"Nobleman, you chose me, right?" As she presses for an answer her chin quivers, waiting for my answer.

"Of course. Of course I did, Perfection." I lie. To her. To myself. I tell myself Lucy will understand, that she'll forgive me. I want her to, need her too. But I know it isn't going to be as easy as that, because nothing is ever as easy as that.

Especially when you are talking about hearts and souls and love and faith.

And mostly, when you are talking about trust.

Lucy

Once I've cleaned up, put on fresh clothes, and brushed my hair, I feel a little bit more like a person and less like a refugee.

An actual Refugee.

I smile inwardly at my childish attempt at a joke. I'm not really a funny
,
or even
fun,
person by nature. I'm not sarcastically funny like Basil and not easy going like Junie. I'm always tense, guarding myself. I wish I had more practice with people. A simple thing like this party tonight puts me more on edge than normal.

I'm sure I'm going to be great company for Charlie.

I smile again.

Maybe I'm funnier than I give myself credit for.

"Lucy, you look so strange out of a dress," Timid says, standing in front of a full-length mirror in the small bedroom Layla offered us. She said we can sleep here, in the house, and that until we sort things out we are her guests. From the looks of things, Lukas's parents own the Headquarters, meaning, this is their house. Though I still haven't figured out what they are actually doing here.

"You look quite strange yourself. Have you ever worn a pair of pants before?"

"Never." She grins, stuffing her hands in her pockets. "I think my Humbleman would faint. And Honor, can you even imagine?"

"Who was your Humbleman? I never saw you in the Haven when you weren't by my side." I plait my hair, twisting a hair tie around the end.

"Humbleman Resolve. The same as your mother." She looks at me quizzically. "How did you not know that?"

"I don't know how I would have. I mean, the way family units are separated is sort of confusing. Who was your mother then?"

"The Vessel who brought me into this world was Duty. But it isn't like you and your mom, Lucy. It's not how things are done at The Light."

"Duty?"

Timid nods her head “yes,” solemnly. I think back to the day I discovered Duty at the greenhouse, bloodied and bruised, left for dead. She was luckier than Mom, but not by much. I had no idea that was Timid's mother.

"I'm so sorry. All this time, if I'd known I'd have consoled you, tried to comfort you. The whole time you were by my side, soothing me." I feel a wave of selfish-nausea run through me. I'm so consumed with myself.

"No, Lucy. You needn't worry. Duty most likely did something to upset Humbleman. He usually only hurt us if he had a reason, when we deserved it. This way she learned her lesson."

I'm not from the real world, like Colton and Junie, but still, I coil inside at her words.

"Don't say that," I tell her adamantly. "There's nothing you could ever do to deserve to be hurt by another person. My mother didn't do something to deserve to die."

"No one deserves to die. But maybe...."

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe it was best. Sometimes if a Vessel can't see the Light it's better for them to be in the dark. Forever." Her voice is cool and sure, she looks up at me plainly, as if I should understand.

I want to slap her, I know she's just a brainwashed nine-year-old, but this is obscene, and hateful. She must understand the weight of her words. The weight of her words to me.

"Why did you even come with me, Timid, if you believe The Light and all their teachings?"

Her face washes over with fright, turning white as the blood flow stops and her eyes grow large. We go back and forth in a game of hide and seek, me looking at her confused trying to understand, her pushing away, until her words gush out, breaking the silence.

"Because Councilman Integrity told me to. He told me I mustn't leave your side." She sits on the bed, head in her hands, not wanting to look at me. "I wasn't supposed to say anything. I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Don't be mad at me, Lucy. Please."

"You are a spy?" I shake my head in disbelief and choke on what she's said, I need to get away from the words she's spoken. "Listen to me, Timid, you need to stay here. Layla will come up for you if I don't. I need some space." I stand up, determined not to lose my cool on her. Not on a child. I storm out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen, hearing her cry after me.

I don't turn around.

Maybe everything I do is selfish.

But right now I'm so mad I couldn't care less.

***

I find Layla rooting around the kitchen cupboards.

"Excuse me, Mrs...?"

"Mrs. Brown. But please call me Layla." She smiles at me, with a funny look on her face. "What's wrong? You look upset."

I clench my hand not wanting my light to come now when my emotions are raging inside. I know that's how Lukas's works, maybe mine does too.

"It's Timid." Saying her name, knowing how she's been deceiving me, breaks my fragile heart in two. "She's just informed me that she's a spy, or something. I was going to say, or do, or be something I'd regret if I stayed in that room with her so I left to get some air. Do you mind checking on her?"

"Of course. She could probably eat some food and go to bed. She's still a little girl, and had a big trip. How about I put her to bed and you go with the kids to the bonfire?" She places her hand on my crossed arms. Her skin is soft, and so are her words.

"Really?" I can't believe anyone's motives anymore. But I want to. I want to believe in her, because doubt is exhausting.

"Lucy, we have lots to discuss, we both know that, but nothing is going to be decided tonight. Go play. Have some fun. Let me be the grown-up." As soon as she says it, my emotions well up inside of me, threatening to break open with the memories of Mom pumping so strong at my heart.

I hate myself for missing the make-believe life I led at the compound, but I do. When I lived there I had a mom and a dad, and even if it was a dad who attempted to murder me, it was still a parent. Parents who were in charge, leaving me to be the child. As much as I fought with Mom and her choices, she was still the taking care of me.

And now I'm on my own.

But not tonight. Tonight Layla wants to help. Help me, in a pure, uncorrupted way.

"Thank you." And I mean it, even if it's only for a few hours, it feels good knowing Layla has my back.

I open the back door, gulping in the fresh air, breathing out my heavy heart, allowing my strong feelings to dissipate and I shake out my hands, wanting any lingering desire for Light to flee.

Tonight, I don't want to be the girl with Light in her hand.

Tonight, I just want to be the girl back at the compound, who longed for the sweet, forbidden fruit of the apple tree. The girl who dreamed of running away from it all, living in the wild land like the cowboys. The girl whose only desire was to be free.

Tonight I can be that girl.

Charlie walks towards me, with a smile big and wide holding the reins of his horse Lucky.

"Do you want to take a ride, the sun is setting?"

I smile back at him, wild and free indeed.