Glimmers of Change (43 page)

Garrett scowled. “That won’t happen again. These men will be under firm control. My sole agenda is to establish a police presence in South Memphis that will maintain order and suppress black unrest.”

Peter had grave doubts, but he was dismissed when Garrett turned to call orders and strode away to join his squad of men. His eyes met Crandall’s. By unspoken agreement, they melted into the shadows and began to follow the police. Peter pushed all thoughts of slumber out of his mind. Regardless of the chief’s intent, he recognized trouble when he saw it brewing.

The streets were virtually empty as they made their way toward the fort. There were no faces peering out from windows. Every building was shrouded in darkness, the frightened residents understanding that nothing should draw attention to them. Peter could imagine people huddled inside in stark fear of what the rest of the night would bring.

Wanting to hear what the policemen were saying, Peter motioned to Crandall and picked up his pace. Just as he was rounding a corner, he approached close enough to a burly Irish policeman to hear his words. “I aim to kill every black person I can find, and then I’m going to burn down every nigger shanty I can get my hands on.”

Peter slowed down and exchanged an alarmed look with Crandall. “The only hope for these people is to stay off the streets.”

He watched as Chief Garrett pulled the men together, exchanged a few quiet words, and waved his arm to indicate they should break into smaller squads.

“He’s a fool,” Crandall muttered. “It will be impossible for him to control these men now.”

Peter nodded, his heart thudding in his chest. “If the people just stay off the streets…” he muttered again. During the long day he had not seen one black person resist or fight back. The best thing they could do was simply hide.

It took just five minutes for him to realize it didn’t matter. He and Crandall chose to follow a squad of four men. He watched in horror as they marched toward a shanty and kicked the door in. He could hear the frightened voice of a woman but couldn’t make out what she was saying. He gritted his teeth with helplessness, realizing there was nothing he and Crandall could do to stop the invasion. Even if they had weapons, he knew they would simply be shot down for interfering. All they could do was wait for them to leave. Peter’s only comfort was knowing every action taken would be reported. The policemen had no idea they were following them.

When the men finally emerged, their voices were triumphant. “I ain’t never taken my way with a pregnant nigger before,” one called. “She was right pretty for a nigger woman.”

Peter groaned and leaned against the building, bile rising in his throat.

“We got us three hundred dollars too,” another boasted.

“They’re crazy,” Crandall said in a fierce whisper. “Can Garrett seriously be stupid enough not to realize what is going on?”

Peter shook his head, unable to summon words to express what he was feeling. Not one resident of South Memphis was safe.

Carrie was pacing on the Stratfords’ porch. Janie and the rest had gone on a shopping expedition earlier. They had all offered to stay, but she had waved them away, insisting she would rather be alone. She wasn’t sure she had meant it, but when they disappeared in the carriage it had been too late to call them back. She had spent all morning worrying. She whirled around in relief when the door opened, but her face fell when she saw Abby step out alone. “Has there been word from Michael? When is he coming home?”

Abby shook her head. “I don’t know. There was another case of cholera reported today. I don’t believe he’s had time to check on any news coming from Memphis.”

“But he did say a wire had come through with news of violence in Memphis!” Carrie burst out, fear hammering at her chest. She knew her reaction was probably extreme, but she felt certain Robert was in danger. “It’s bad, Abby,” she said desperately. “I know it.”

Abby stepped forward to grasp her hands. “You don’t know anything,” she said soothingly, only her eyes showing her deep concern.

Carrie shook her head and pulled away, moving to the edge of the porch so she could stare down upon the city. She had no idea what she was looking for, and she knew she would find no answers in the air swirling with coal dust, but she felt she would implode if she merely stood still. “All of them are in danger,” she said through gritted teeth. “Why didn’t they leave when they understood what was happening there?”

Abby managed a smile. “You do realize who we are talking about, don’t you? Have you ever known any of those four men to ever run from anything? Especially Matthew and Peter?”

“Robert and Moses aren’t journalists!” Carrie burst out, tears stinging her eyes. “If something happens to them, it will be Matthew and Peter’s fault.” She knew as soon as the words came out of her mouth that she wasn’t being fair, but she was suddenly having trouble breathing.

“Stop.”

Carrie jolted at the sharp tone of Abby’s voice. She swung around and stared at her. “What did you say?”

“I said stop,” Abby repeated firmly, her voice filled with compassion now. She moved forward and took Carrie’s hands again, holding fast when Carrie tried to pull them away. “You are letting your fears take control of your thinking.”

Carrie stared at Abby, her eyes burning with tears she refused to shed. Anger warred with fear. “It’s so hard to not know anything,” she finally said, looking away because she couldn’t look into Abby’s eyes any longer.

Abby continued to grip her hands. “Look at me,” she commanded gently.

Carrie reluctantly swung her eyes back to Abby’s face, her tears finally spilling when she saw the love etched on her face. “I’m so afraid,” she whispered.

“Why?” Abby seemed genuinely perplexed. “Memphis is a large city. The odds are that they are nowhere near it.”

“You know better than that,” Carrie managed.

“You’re right,” Abby admitted quietly. “I know better than that.” She took a deep breath. “What is confusing me, however, is just why you are so afraid. You had to wait while Robert went through scores of horrendous battles. You had to wait while everyone believed he was dead. You had to wait for him to return from England. You had to wait during the long months he gave up on life. Surely those things were scarier than his being in Memphis?” She placed a hand under Carrie’s chin and forced her eyes up. “Why this? What is scaring you so much?”

“I’ve almost lost him three times,” Carrie replied in a broken voice. “It’s been a miracle that he came back to me.” She stopped, knowing she wasn’t answering Abby’s question. Forcing her mind to slow down, she searched for the answer. When it came, her eyes widened.

“What is it?” Abby pressed.

“If something happens, it is my fault,” Carrie cried. “I left him in Virginia.” The realization almost choked her. “If I had stayed on the plantation, he wouldn’t have gone to Memphis.”

“And you know this how?” Abby asked.

Carrie hesitated. In some part of her mind she knew she wasn’t making any sense, but at this moment she wasn’t able to think clearly. Words rushed out. “It’s foaling season. He wouldn’t have left the plantation if he wasn’t upset.” Even as she said it, she knew Robert was certain the mares wouldn’t drop their babies until late May, long after he would return. Besides, he had Clint there to handle things. None of it mattered to her churning heart.

Abby continued to watch her quietly. “Did he give you any indication he was upset with your decision to enter medical school?”

Carrie waved her hand. “No, but he wasn’t being honest.”

Abby heaved a sigh. “Carrie, where is this coming from?”

“It’s a woman’s place to stay home!” Carrie cried. Hearing the words come from her mouth was enough to shock her into silence. She stood motionless for a long moment and then sank into the rocker behind her. “Did I really just say that?”

Abby sat down next to her but remained silent.

Carrie stared at her. “I really just said that, didn’t I?” Another realization hit her. “Does that mean I believe it?” The very idea horrified her.

“Do you?” Abby questioned gently, nothing but love shining in her eyes.

“I said it, didn’t I?” Carrie asked, confusion swarming through her.

“You did,” Abby agreed. “That certainly means you have been
conditioned
to believe it, but that is different from actually
believing
it.”

Carrie stared at her. “I sounded like my mother when I said that.” She shook her head, trying to make sense of everything. “But I’ve always rebelled against the things she said.”

“That doesn’t mean they didn’t sink deep into your being,” Abby responded. “It can be very difficult to break free from beliefs ingrained in us from childhood. We can take action, but that doesn’t mean we don’t carry the weight…or the guilt of going against those beliefs.”

Carrie stared at her, feeling an odd relief at the expression on Abby’s face. “You’ve felt this way too,” she gasped.

Abby smiled wryly. “More times than I care to admit.” She reached over now to hold Carrie’s hand. “It’s almost impossible not to feel them. Every woman is trained from birth to believe and act in certain ways, but if you’re from the South it notches up to an entirely different level.”

Carrie managed a small smile. “That’s putting it mildly.” Memories of her mother trying to shape her into a proper southern plantation mistress swarmed through her mind.

“Carrie, up until now you’ve just
planned
on rebelling. You
planned
on going to medical school.” Abby continued. “Now that you have actually done it, the lessons forced on you when you were young are rising up to tell you your decision was wrong.”

“Does every woman face this?” Carrie asked slowly.

“Only the ones determined to live life on their own terms,” Abby replied. “When you decide to do something against the status quo, or when you decide to be more than men tell you is possible, you will fight not only society — you will also fight what has been ingrained in you.”

“Wonderful,” Carrie murmured.

Abby laughed. “At least you’re not alone.” She sobered and turned to look in Carrie’s eyes. “It takes tremendous courage to do what you are doing. Each of your housemates is being courageous, but you were the only one to leave your husband. The voices inside your head are going to be louder. Every time a man taunts you outside the medical school, you are not just going to see the face of a man. You are also going to see Robert. Part of you will wonder if you are being utterly selfish in becoming a doctor. You will feel guilt for leaving your husband.”

Carrie nodded, feeling a surge of relief to have her feelings expressed so eloquently. “You don’t believe I’m being selfish?” She knew the answer, but she needed to hear it again anyway. She was confident Abby wouldn’t make light of her question.

“You’re not being selfish at all,” Abby said firmly. “The dream of being a doctor has pulled you forward for a long time. More important is the fact that you have a gift many women don’t have.”

“Don’t have, or won’t use?” Carrie asked, her thoughts moving smoothly again. She couldn’t believe she was one of a fortunate few who had been gifted with innate abilities.

“Good question,” Abby replied with a smile. “I believe every single person — man and woman — is born with a gift and skills that are meant to be developed. There is something they are meant to do. Men are encouraged to find their skills. Women are told to simply be what men need or want them to be. Women who refuse to do that are criticized and humiliated. They are made to feel that they are somehow not truly female because they aren’t following the roles men have set out for them.”

Carrie gazed at her, thinking about all Abby had been through since her husband died. “You don’t sound bitter,” she observed thoughtfully. “Why is that?”

“Because it serves no purpose,” Abby responded. “Oh, there have been plenty of times when I was bitter and angry. When Howard died I felt so completely alone. I railed against every man because they were my enemy. Then I met Matthew. When he stepped in to help me, I realized I couldn’t target an entire gender with my anger. Once I let go of the fury, I found more men who were open-minded. There weren’t many of them,” she admitted with a smile, “but there were enough to give me hope. There were enough to keep my heart open…”

“Which is why you fell in love with my father,” Carrie said quietly.

“Yes. Your father is an extraordinary man, but I would never have married him if I were not completely confident he saw me as his equal.”

“I’m not sure Robert sees me that way,” Carrie whispered, facing another fear as the breeze swirled around the porch, lifting the tendrils of her dark hair and caressing her hot cheeks.

“What makes you feel that way?” Abby asked carefully.

“We never talked about equality before we got married,” Carrie admitted. “I was so in love with him. There was a war going on. I had almost lost him. All I wanted to do was marry him before he left again.”