Gloria (18 page)
She spin ’round and stare at the three schoolgirls making a ruckus settling themselves in the booth behind her. When she turn back I see her eyes wet. Just little bit. Not like she crying as such. Just moist. She tek her finger and wipe them dry and then she say, ‘That is how it gwaan ’til one day he decide to bring back some man wid him from the bar. Well it wasn’t just one a dem, it was two. And all three a dem drunk as lords.’
I reach out and rest my hand on hers as her fingers drumming on the table, and she gazing off into the distance wid the tears slowly rolling down her cheeks.
‘And afterwards they put the money on the table and I become one a Isaac’s regulars. And then one day he turn up wid Beryl.’ She tek the paper napkin and wipe her eyes. ‘But Beryl younger than me, and she timid. So he beat her. He beat on her for anything. Anything at all, but mostly because he feel bad in himself. And when he drunk, he beat her worse. So right from the beginning I was trying to look out for her the best I could because funny thing was, he never lay a finger on me that way. Maybe he never expect me to grow up so sturdy. I think he was fraid of me. God knows why. All I know is he used to say, “Don’t look at me that way, girl,” and then he would go beat Beryl. It mek me feel bad. Guilty. Because when I look at him all I was thinking was yu can do anything to me yu want but yu never going own me like yu think yu do. That was the only thing in my mind that keep me going.’
I want to say to her, ‘Sybil, yu sure yu want to be telling me all a this?’ but I don’t say it. I just sit there with my heart breaking over what she been through, and Beryl too. And feeling bad that I mek such a fuss over the necklace and realising that everybody got a story to tell ’bout how life been cruel to them. Everybody got their pain and mine wasn’t no worse than anybody else. It wasn’t even special. It was ordinary. The ordinary life of a woman who happen to be born black and poor.
‘How yu get away from him Sybil?’
‘One day, I don’t know what come over me but I just tell Beryl to come and we walk out. We just tek off.’ And she laugh. ‘That is how easy it was. Because he never even bother to lock the door or nothing. So yu see, being Isaac’s prisoner was all in our own minds. Four long years I stay with Isaac when at any time I could have just leave.’ She smile. ‘Funny that.’
‘And he never come after yu?’
‘Yes, he come and he find us too, in the little room we rent from a old woman over Jones Town. And all he do is stand up in the doorway and laugh. Yu know what he say to us? He say, “There’s plenty more where you come from.” That was all. And then he turn ’round and walk off still laughing to himself.’
She not crying no more, Sybil. She released. And just so, she start drink the soda. Then she say, ‘The whole thing tek me and Beryl different. That is why I couldn’t tek her over there with me today. But I didn’t want to go there on my own. Yu understand that?’
I just nod my head and pat her hand.
‘Beryl hate Isaac for what he do to her. Vengeful hating. Me? I see him for what he is. A sorry excuse for a man. And as for what he do to me. That was a education.’
When we on the bus going back to Franklyn Town I say to her, ‘Why yu bother go up Cross Roads and give him the money?’
‘For Junior. I do it for Junior.’
‘A who that anyway?’
‘Junior? That is a very good question. Yu know, I never see nothing a Isaac for years and then one day, just sudden like that, he show up at the house wid this baby in his arms saying the mother leave it on the doorstep a the butchers and he dunno what to do wid it.’
‘Is his baby?’
‘So he say. But the mother? God knows. And knowing Isaac it could have been any of a dozen women he busy sexing at the time. So what? Who that baby ever hurt, eh? And sure as eggs is eggs Isaac wasn’t no fit father. So I tek it to the orphanage the Sisters got in South Camp Road and leave it there. That was maybe three years back.’
‘And yu go visit him?’
‘That boy not got a single soul in this world that give one damn about him. Two hours a my time once a week that is all he got.’
‘Yu never think maybe yu keep him yuself??’
‘Me? What would I do wid a baby, the life I got? Crying and messing up the place and taking everybody’s time and worry. And anyway, what would I want with the seed a Isaac under my roof??’ She pause and then she say, ‘Beryl would have kill me. Can yu imagine?’ And she laugh. She laugh so much she nearly fall down the steps a the bus as we getting off.
Walking down the road I say to her, ‘Yu ever see yu mother again?’
‘One time. When I go over her house in Trench Town she just look at me like she didn’t even recognise me. So I say, “Is me, Mama. Sybil.” And she just carry on stirring the pea soup like she didn’t have nothing to say to me. So I leave and I never go back again.’
When we reach the house I go find Beryl in the kitchen and I say to her, ‘I sorry ’bout the commotion I cause over the necklace.’
She sour at first. But then her face melt. ‘I should a pay more mind to where yu get it from.’
She sitting ’cross the table from me. And with me standing there it seem like a big, broad wooden barrier was between us. Not that me and Beryl do hugging. That is not how we are. But still, it feel like something else was needed. So I say, ‘I had no right to tek out my hurt on you.’
‘I would have hurt just the same way, darling. What stop me from seeing that was my own selfishness knowing that no man would ever gift me a thing like that.’
When I turn ’round I see Marcia leaning on the doorpost.
‘Yu going apologise to me as well?’
But before I could say anything Beryl butt in. ‘Enough is enough.’
Six months later I shocked when the doctor tell me I am pregnant even though I already know it in myself. It just startling to get it confirm like that. I dunno how I going tell Pao. What his reaction going be. And then I think, actually, it no matter. Is my baby. If he want something to do with it then fine. If not, that is fine as well. It not like I depending on him for anything. I am a woman of independent means. I can do just about anything I please whatever Yang Pao got to say ’bout it.
Harder than telling him was telling everybody in the house. Things been better these last few months never mind Marcia blowing hot and cold with me as the mood tek her. Even Auntie stop professing ’bout wickedness and damnation. She not even complaining no more ’bout the rudeness of the bus driver or the high price of rice. She is going about her business like her lips been stitch together down the hospital and the only time she open her mouth is to tell somebody she going to town or she want clothes put out for the next-day laundry.
When I tell them ’bout the baby they just sit there in the kitchen. Then Marcia say, ‘Yu tell him yet?’
And I say no.
‘It a accident or yu plan it?’ I stand there expecting that maybe Sybil and Beryl would say something but they don’t.
So I say, ‘It no matter whether it plan or accident. It here.’
‘So yu going keep it?’ I look at Sybil and I remember how she tell me she couldn’t have no baby crying and messing up the place. And I think how I going miss sitting on the veranda on a Sunday and dancing and laughing ’bout the clumsy oaf that come in here and how she talk ’bout every woman being a whore, and how the government not doing nothing to help the real poor in this country or change the colour bar so that maybe a black woman could have some ambition or even hope.
‘Yes, I going keep it.’
The three a them just sit there with Auntie watching from the corner making like she busy-busy with her mending but who yu know for sure is keeping quiet pace with every single word.
‘So what going happen?’
‘I don’t know yet Marcia. We have to figure it out.’
Few days later Pao come give me a jade ring. It match the necklace, which, after I come back from Ocho Rios, I put back in the box and stick in my wardrobe. But the ring I put straight on my finger. I don’t know why. And I admire it with my arm stretch out because it so elegant and fit perfect. I was going ask him what he bring me this for, but I decide against it as there was something more important to tell him.
So I say, ‘I have something to tell you.’
And he say, ‘What?’ So I tell him ’bout the baby. He shocked. Rigid he was, like maybe I just get through telling him something impossible and he cyan believe it.
And then he start asking all sorta questions ’bout how long I know and what I going do with it.
‘Yu mean get rid of it?’
‘No. I mean what you want to do? You want to keep it or what?’
‘What you want to do?’
‘It not got nothing to do with me, Gloria. Is not my baby, is yours.’
‘Yu nuh know it take two people to make a baby?’
‘Yu saying it mine? How yu so sure?’ I nuh feel like explaining nothing to him ’bout how long it is since I last tek a customer. So I just say all right is my baby and I will go about my own business.
But then he want to change his mind. ‘If you say the baby mine, then it mine.’ And then he start talking ’bout how I going have to move house and let him tek care a me, and stop teking customers because this is not no business for a pregnant woman.
So I just laugh and say to him, ‘Some men come on strong with a pregnant woman.’
But he nuh like it. ‘Not on top of my son.’
‘Who say it going be a boy? Maybe it be a girl. Maybe she become the first woman prime minister of Jamaica.’
Pao not that often right ’bout anything to do with me, but this time he know something without even knowing it. I got to move outta the house. Not because he want me to but because I couldn’t see myself forcing everybody to live in a situation that Sybil already tell me she wouldn’t choose for herself.
When I go tell them Marcia get up and flounce out the kitchen.
‘Yu sure yu doing the right thing?’ But I don’t say nothing back to Sybil so she say, ‘Is Yang Pao idea? Him want yu to do it?’
‘Yu nuh think it better?’
‘What is better is for a baby to have people ’round it. People to look after it and mek sure it OK.’ She surprise me. I never expected Beryl to have anything to say ’bout what the baby need.
‘I just reckon everybody will be happier without a baby crying and carrying on all hours a the day and night, and diapers hanging all over the place.’
‘So who going look after it? You?’
And then I hear this voice come from behind me that I didn’t even know was there.
‘I will. That is if yu want me to come wid yu?’
So I turn ’round and say to her, ‘Thank yu Auntie.’
And Sybil say, ‘Yu shouldn’t tek it upon yuself to decide what going mek other people happy.’
I didn’t say nothing to her. I was still grateful for how she ease my way with Beryl and Marcia when I wanted to get outta the business. And anyway, I reckon she must remember what she said to me ’bout Junior.
Afterwards when I catch her alone I say, ‘What about the baby messing up the place and teking everybody’s time?’
‘Yu doing the right thing, Gloria. This not no place to be bringing up a child. I going miss yu that is all.’
‘Yu don’t have to miss me. Wherever I go will only be up the road little bit.’ I pause and then I say, ‘Anyway, I probably be back over here every other day. Yu think I not going miss you too?’
Fay pregnant as well. Pao sheepish when he tell me but I still glad he come and do it and not leave me to get the news from Henry. I cyan believe he get the two of us pregnant at the same time.
His idea is for me to get a house up in Barbican. It all new up there. It safe. I don’t know if that is for me, especially after he tek it on himself to go pick it out. So I going here and there all over Kingston, and for her own reason Marcia decide to come help me look. I grateful for the company and even though we nuh say too much at least we together. It like we sisters again and maybe that is as much healing as we can manage right now.
But despite everything the house we find in Barbican perfect. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, tidy little yard out back with some grass and fruit trees and a shady veranda.
I decide to write to Mama. It time. But what I going say after all these years? So I think I keep it short in case maybe she nuh want hear nothing from me. I just say me and Marcia all right, and that I got a new house and a baby on the way. That was all. I reckon if she interested she going write back and if I nuh hear nothing then I will know how she feel.
I have the baby in the public hospital downtown because Pao want me to go in the private one up Hope Road even though Fay laying up there making out like this is the most trying thing anybody ever been asked to do. He say he going pay, which is what he said about the house, and I told him no, I got enough money I save over the years. Quizzical he was, like as to say how come yu have so much money, but he didn’t say nothing and I didn’t offer no explanation. Me and Henry business got nothing to do with him.
When it finally happen it wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t even know it was a girl ’til they put her in my arms and I lift up the blanket to see. I stare into her face trying to make out this little human being that I think should be familiar to me after this long time the two of us been wrapped together. But it wasn’t so because what I saw wasn’t any person I had ever seen before. Not even in a dream. And even though she African through and through with skin as dark as mine and a head of curly black hair, she was also Chinese with the little telltale in the eyes and lips thinner than you would expect. She was beautiful. A small bundle of individual who was going to get an education and have all the choices I didn’t have. A woman who was going to be free to make of this life what she will.
