Go Tell the Bees That I Am Gone (31 page)

The boys scrambled forward, yelling and pounding Fanny excitedly on the back. Fanny herself was openmouthed, stunned. Her face had gone pale, what could be seen of it behind a mottling of black powder smoke, and she kept looking from the gun in her hands to the dead raccoon, plainly unable to believe it.

“Well done, Frances.” Jamie patted her gently on the head and took the gun from her trembling hands. “Shall the lads gut and skin it for ye?”

“I…yeth.
Yes.
Please,” she added. She glanced at me, but instead of coming to sit down walked unsteadily over to Bluey and fell to her knees in the leaves beside the dog.

“
Good
dog,” she said, hugging the hound, who happily licked her face. I saw Jamie glance carefully at the dog as he stooped to pick up the blood-splotched carcass, but Bluey made no objection, merely woofling in her throat.

After the noise of the hunt—if one could call it that, and I supposed one could—the forest seemed abnormally silent, as though even the wind had stopped blowing. The boys were still excited, but they settled down to the absorbing business of skinning and gutting the raccoon, insisting that Fanny come admire their skill. With the loud part over, Mandy joined in enthusiastically, asking, “What’s
that
?” as each new bit of internal anatomy was revealed.

Jamie sat down by me, set the rifle at his feet, and relaxed, watching the children with a benevolent eye. I was less relaxed. I could still feel the echo of the rifle shot in my bone marrow, and was both surprised and disturbed at the feeling.

I looked away and breathed deep, trying to replace the bright smell of fresh blood with the mellower scents of the forest and the musk of fungi. That last thought made me glance down at my basket, where the fleshy raw red of the
Fistulina hepatica
showed in gashes through the layers of damp leaves. My gorge rose suddenly, and so did I.

“Sassenach?” Jamie’s voice came from behind me, startled. “Are ye all right?”

I was leaning against an aspen tree, gripping the paper-white trunk for support, trying not to hear the noises of disembowelment going on a few yards away.

“Fine,” I said, through numb lips. I closed my eyes briefly, opened them to see a trickle of half-dried sap running from a crack in the aspen’s trunk—the dark red of dried blood—let go, and sat down heavily in the leaves.

“Sassenach.” His voice was low, urgent, but pitched softly so as not to alarm the children. I swallowed heavily, once, twice, then opened my eyes.

“I’m all right,” I said. “A little dizzy, that’s all.”

“Ye’re as white as that tree,
a nighean.
Here…” He reached into his sporran and came out with a small flask. Whisky, and I gulped it gratefully, letting it fill my mouth and sear away the taste of blood.

Cries and laughter from the children—I glanced over his shoulder and saw that Bluey was rolling ecstatically in the discarded viscera, the white parts of her coat now stained a dirty brown. I leaned over and threw up, whisky and bile coming up the back of my nose.

“A Dhia,”
Jamie muttered, dabbing at my face with his handkerchief. “Did ye eat any mushrooms yourself, lass? Are ye poisoned?”

I waved the cloth away, taking deep breaths.

“No. I’m all right. Truly.” I swallowed again. “Can I—” I reached for the flask, and he thrust it into my hand.

“Sip it,” he advised, and rising, went down to the children, whom he sorted in quick order. The meat and skin were packed into my basket, the remnants shoveled behind a tree out of my sight, and the children sent down to the distant creek with firm instructions to wash themselves and the dog.

“Your grannie’s a bit tired from the walk,
mo leannan
,” he said with a quick glance at me. “We’ll just rest here for a bit ’til ye come back. Amanda, stay by Frances and mind her, aye? And you lads keep a sharp eye out; it’s no a good idea to prance through the woods smelling o’ blood. Ye see any pigs, get the girls up a tree and sing out. Oh—ye’d best have this,” he said, picking up the rifle and handing it to Jem. “Just in case.” He gave Germain the shot pouch and watched as they made their way down the slope toward the sound of water, more subdued now but still giggling and arguing as they went.

“So, then.” He sat down beside me, eyeing me closely.

“Really, I’m all right,” I said—and I did in fact feel much better physically, though there was still a deep quiver in my bones.

“Aye, I can see ye are,” he said cynically. He didn’t push further, though, just sat beside me, forearms resting on his knees, relaxed—but ready for anything that might happen.

“Je suis prest,”
I said, trying to smile despite the thin layer of cold sweat that covered my face. “I don’t suppose you have any salt in your sporran, do you?”

“Of course I do,” he said, surprised, and reaching in withdrew a small twist of paper. “Is it good when ye’re peely-wally?”

“Maybe.” I touched a finger to the salt and put a few grains on my tongue. The taste was cleansing, rather to my surprise. I followed it with a cautious sip of whisky and felt remarkably better.

“I don’t know why I asked,” I said, handing him back the twist. “Salt is supposed to lay ghosts, though, isn’t it?”

A faint smile touched his mouth as he looked at me.

“Aye,” he said. “So what’s haunting ye, Sassenach?”

It would have been easy to brush it off, ignore it. But quite suddenly, I couldn’t do that any longer.

“Why doesn’t the dog trouble you?” I said bluntly.

His face went blank for a moment, and he looked away, but only to think. He blinked once or twice, sighed, and turned back to me, with the air of one girding his loins for something unpleasant.

“She did,” he said quietly. “When I heard the howling that first night, I thought—well, ye’ll maybe ken what I thought.”

“That—perhaps her master had come with her? Had—maybe put her on your trail?” My own voice was little more than a whisper, but he heard me and nodded slowly.

“Aye,” he said, just as softly. I saw his throat move as he swallowed. “To think that I’d maybe brought something home…”

I swallowed, myself, but had to say it.

“You did.”

His eyes met mine and sharpened, a dark blue nearly black in the shade of the chestnuts. His mouth tightened, but he didn’t say anything for a minute.

“When she came alone,” he said at last, “and came to me, looking for shelter, for food…and then when the bairns took to her at once, and she to them…” He looked away, as though embarrassed. “I thought she maybe was sent, ken. As a—a sign of forgiveness. And maybe, by taking her in, I could…” He made a small helpless gesture with his maimed hand.

“Make it go away?”

He took a deep breath, and his fists flexed briefly, then relaxed.

“No. Forgiveness doesna make things go away. Ye ken that as well as I do.” He turned his head to look at me, in curiosity. “Don’t ye?”

There were no more than a few inches between us, but the aching distance between our hearts reached miles. Jamie was silent for a long time. I could hear my heart, beating in my ears…

“Listen,” he said at last.

“I’m listening.” He looked sideways at me, and the ghost of a smile touched his mouth. He held out a broad, pitch-stained palm to me.

“Give me your hands while ye do it, aye?”

“Why?” But I put my hands into his without hesitation, and felt his grip close on them. His fingers were cold, and I could see the hairs on his forearm ruffled with chill where he’d rolled up his sleeves to help Fanny with the gun.

“What hurts you cleaves my heart,” he said softly. “Ye ken that, aye?”

“I do,” I said, just as softly. “And you know it’s true for me, too. But—” I swallowed and bit my lip. “It—it seems…”

“Claire,” he interrupted, and looked at me straight. “Are ye relieved that he’s dead?”

“Well…yes,” I said unhappily. “I don’t
want
to feel that way, though; it doesn’t seem right. I mean—” I struggled to find some clear way to put it. “On the one hand—what he did to me wasn’t…mortal. I hated it, but it didn’t physically hurt me; he wasn’t trying to hurt me or kill me. He just…”

“Ye mean, if it had been Harley Boble ye met at Beardsley’s, ye wouldna have minded my killing
him
in cold blood?” he interrupted, with a tinge of irony.

“I would have shot him myself, on sight.” I blew out a long, deep breath. “But that’s the other thing. There’s what he—the man—do you know his name, by the way?”

“Yes, and you’re not going to, so dinna ask me,” he said tersely.

I gave him a narrow look, and he gave it right back. I flapped my hand, dismissing it for the moment.

“The other thing,” I repeated firmly, “is that if I’d shot Boble myself—you wouldn’t have had to. I wouldn’t feel that you were…damaged by it.”

His face went blank for a moment, then his gaze sharpened again.

“Ye think it damaged me to kill the man who took ye?”

I reached for his hand and held it.

“I bloody know it did,” I said quietly. And added in a whisper, looking down at the scarred, powerful hand in mine, “What hurts you cleaves
my
heart, Jamie.”

His fingers curled tight over mine. He sat with his head bent for a long moment, then lifted my hand and kissed it gently.

“It’s all right,
mo chridhe,
” he said. “Dinna fash. There’s another side to it. And one that’s nothing to do with you.”

“What’s that?” I asked, surprised. He squeezed my hand briefly and let it go, sitting back to look at me.

“I couldna let him live,” he said simply. “Whether he’d forced ye or no. Ye were there when Ian asked me what to do. I said, ‘Kill them all.’ Ye heard me, aye?”

“I did.” My throat was suddenly tight, and there was a band of iron around my chest, the taste of blood clotting my mouth and the fear of suffocation a blackness in my mind. The sense of that night seeped through me like cold smoke.

“I might have done that in rage—I did do it in a black rage—but I would have done the same was my blood as cold as ice.” He touched my face, smoothing back an escaped curl. “Do ye not see? Those men were brigands, and worse. To leave one of them alive would be to leave the root of a poisonous plant in the ground, to grow again.”

It was a vivid image—but so was my memory of that large, shambling man, wandering vaguely among the pigpens at Beardsley’s trading post where I’d seen him, afterward. Seeming so unlike the man who’d come out of the darkness, to smother me with the weight of his body…

“But he seemed so…feckless,” I said, with a helpless gesture. “How could someone like that even begin to assemble a—a gang?”

He stood up suddenly, unable to sit any longer, and paced restlessly to and fro in front of me.

“D’ye not see, Sassenach? Even was he a feckless dolt—he went places. Ye saw him talk wi’ the folk at Beardsley’s, no?”

“Yes,” I said slowly, “but—”

He stopped, glaring down at me.

“And what if he began to talk, one day, about how he’d ridden wi’ Hodgepile and the Browns, the things they’d done? What if he lost himself in drink, and boasted of how he’d—” He choked that off and took a deep breath. “About what he’d done to you.”

I felt as though I’d swallowed something cold and slimy. And still faintly alive. Jamie’s mouth compressed, looking at my face.

“I’m sorry, Sassenach,” he said quietly. “But it’s true. And I wouldna let that happen. Because of you. Because of me. But more…because if it was known that such a thing had happened—”

“It was known,” I said, my lips stiff. “It is known.” None of the men who had rescued me that night could have been in much doubt that I’d been raped, whether they knew which man—men—had done the act, or not. If they knew, their wives knew. No one had ever spoken to me of it, nor ever would, but the knowledge was there, and no way ever to make it go away.

“Because if it was known that such a thing had happened,” he repeated evenly, “and that any man who took part in it had been allowed to live…then anyone who lives under my protection would feel themselves helpless. And rightly so.”

He exhaled strongly through his nose, turning away.

“D’ye no remember that man—the one who called himself Wendigo?”

“Jesus.” Gooseflesh rippled over my shoulders and down my arms. I
had
forgotten. Not the man himself—he was a time traveler named Wendigo Donner—but his connection with the man we were discussing.

A member of Hodgepile’s gang, Donner had escaped into the darkness when Jamie and his men had rescued me—and months later had come back to the Ridge, with companions, to rob and kill, in search of the gemstones he knew we had. It was his attack on the Big House that had—indirectly—caused the conflagration that burned it to the ground, and his ashes were still mingled with the remains of our lives in that clearing.

Jamie was right. Donner had escaped and come back to try to kill us. To leave the lumpkin who’d raped me at large was to risk the same thing happening again. The realization of it sickened me. I had managed to put most of what had happened aside, dealing with the physical aspects as necessary, firmly quashing or refusing to remember the rest. But it was still there—all of it, turning like an evil prism to show things in a harsh new light. The light, I now realized, that Jamie always saw by.

And seeing now clearly myself, I clenched my belly muscles and forced my voice to be steady.

“What if he wasn’t the last of them?”

Jamie shook his head, not in negation, but resignation.

“It doesna matter, Sassenach. If there were others who escaped…most would be wise enough to leave and stay gone. But it doesna matter—another gang will spring up. It’s the way of things, aye?”

“Is it?” I thought he was right—I knew he was right, in terms of wars, governments, human foolishness in general. I just didn’t want to believe it was true of this place. This was home.

He nodded, watching my face, not without sympathy.

“Remember Scotland—the Watch?”

“Yes.” The Watches, he might have said, for there were many. Organized gangs, who extorted money for protection—but sometimes gave that protection. And if they didn’t get their money—black rent, it was called—might burn your house or crops. Or do worse.