God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (21 page)
Read God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible Online
Authors: CJ Werleman
So, nah Michal, take that!
As David settled into his new extravagant digs at the palace, God being the proudly jealous god, sent a message to David via Nathan the prophet. A message that in essence has God lodging an envious complaint. God’s jealous gripe is that he is displeased that David should have such a luxurious dwelling whilst the God’s Ark was confined to a modest tent, being the Tent of Meeting. In a stunning announcement of proclaimed injustice, God, jealous, can’t bring himself to speak mano-a-mano directly to David’s face, and then uses Nathan to pass on the following message:
“
Are you the one to build me a house to dwell in? I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling.” (2 Samuel 7:8-9 NIV)
God again reminds David that it was he who brought the Israelites out of Egypt, and that he had made David a great man, and now that the Israelites were prospering, it was time for his people to build him a throne in his honor. The holy reward being, should David build such a temple, God will ensure David’s throne lasts forever. Later, we will see this as another broken promise. Just like the 86 promises and treaties the U.S Congress made and broke with American Indians during the 17
th
and 18
th
century. Power corrupts absolutely.
With God’s promise covering David’s back, David was unstoppable and delivered a royal ass kicking to all and sundry so bold as to stand in his way.
He defeated the Philistines again. I am not sure what was left of these people, but a married businessman with a S&M fetish, they kept coming back for more punishment. He crushed the Moabites and in an inventive show of perverse cruelty he tied cord to all their captured soldiers, placing them in a straight line. He then proceeded to hack every two out of three Moabite prisoners to death with his own sword, allowing every third standing man to live so that they would tell of David’s ferociousness to their own people.
In an effort to restore Israelite control along the banks of the Euphrates River, he slayed twenty thousand of the King of Zobah’s troops. And when the Arameans came to the assistance of Zobah, he struck down another twenty thousand men. This followed the annihilation of eighteen thousand Edomites in the Valley of Salt.
David’s legend and reputation as a champion warrior were sealed when he rounded up forty thousand Ammonites at Helam, sparing not a single life. All nations of the Middle East were now in fear of David and God’s chosen people. I’m sure Israeli PM Nettanyahu ranks David as his hero, alongside Justin Bieber.
In this chapter we find an odd piece of dialogue between God and one of his prophets Nathan. God expressing his fury with David, due to the fact that David had killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword of an Ammonite, before taking Uriah’s wife to be one of his own alongside the other dozens of wives and sex slaves that he already had. Let it be said that David had the virility and stamina of Hugh Hefner in his prime, as this guy had a sexual appetite that was seemingly insatiable. Anyway, God is not happy and this is the message he gives Nathan to pass on to David:
“
Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity upon you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all of Israel.” (2 Samuel 12:11-12 NIV)
Now, we can add the label ‘voyeuristic pervert’ to the long list of wicked titles that, based on the events of the Bible to this point, are deservedly God’s. It takes a depraved mind to invent a punishment that prescribes one of your best friends shagging your multitude of wives, concubines, groupies and slaves in the middle of the street, in the middle of the day, so that all your neighbors can witness the act, voluntarily or otherwise. As an extreme social-liberal, I have absolutely no moral problem with consenting adults performing whatever farfetched sex acts that the mind can conjure, but I certainly am not going to throw my life into one of religious serfdom, so as to worship the owner of this decree.
Back to the punishment itself, it would seem to me that God’s retribution on David has exceeded the act of the crime. I’d be happy to call it even anyway, but not God. God still wants to dish it out and he does so by murdering the child that David had fathered with Urriah’s wife. Nathan says to David:
“
The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the Lord show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 13-14 NIV)
David does much protesting to God, begging for the sparing of his son’s life, but God shows no such compassion or mercy and his son dies in his arms.
Samuel 2 Count: 8,001
God sees to the defeat of the Philistines, this time to David = 1,000.
God inflicted a three year famine on Israel because he was unhappy with Saul’s kingship = 7,000.
God kills David’s son = 1.
Cumulative Count: 31,748,533
“
To err is human; to blame it on some else is even more human.”
John Nadeau
The opening chapter begins with the continuation of David’s ‘pantsman’ like ways, with the first chapter commencing with David now well advanced in age. Due to age related illnesses and presumably syphilis, he is bed stricken, which considering the bedroom is where he did his best work, it wasn’t a bad place for the king to be.
Lying in bed suffering from what is described as symptoms of a fever, one of his servants says:
“
Let us look for a young virgin to attend the king and take care of him. She can lie beside him so that our lord the king may keep warm.” (1 Kings 1:2 NIV)
For some reason this passage produced the abhorrent image of an elderly German tourist riding around the beach of Pattaya, Thailand with an underage girl attached to his ageing hairy sweaty torso.
In the background of his touted bedroom hi-jinx is a power struggle of two sons to position themselves as heir to David’s throne. His son, Adonijah, elicits some sporadic support and begins a whisper campaign that he is the natural heir apparent, but his assumed act quickly draws condemnation from those close to his father David. Nathan offers a cautionary ‘heads up’ to his rival brother’s (Solomon) mother:
“
Have you not heard that Adonijah has become king without our lord David’s knowing of it.” (1 Kings 1:11 NIV)
Solomon’s mother, Bathsheba, wastes no time in getting in front of this rumor so as to head Abonijah’s political campaign off at the pass, as she goes directly to David with a plea that he keep his promise for her son:
“
My Lord, you yourself swore to me that Solomon would be king after you and he will sit on your throne. But now Adonijah has become king and you, my lord the king, does not know about it…My lord the king, the eyes of all Israel are on you, to learn from you who will sit on the throne of my lord the king after him. Otherwise, as soon as the lord the king is laid to rest with his fathers, I and my son Solomon will be treated as criminals.” (1 Kings 1:17-21 NIV)
With this news of a bloodless coup imminent, David gets his weary legs out of bed, stumbling over his concubines and takes the required action to ensure that his favored son, Solomon, is anointed his successor.
Under oath, David made the following proclamation to Solomon’s mother Bathsheba:
“
As surely as the Lord lives, who has delivered me out of every trouble, I will surely carry out today what I swore to you by the Lord, the God of Israel: Solomon your son shall be king after me and he will sit on my throne in my place.” (1 Kings 1:29-30 NIV)
With Solomon officially ratified as heir apparent, Abonijah poops himself with fear that his brother will come after him to kill him for treachery, but Solomon spares him, with the order:
“
If he shows himself to be a worthy man, not a hair on his head will fall to the ground; but if evil is found in him he will die.” (1 Kings 1:52 NIV)
Abonijah’s life is spared for now.
David was now on his deathbed and he summoned Solomon to his side, so as to give him his keys to the palace:
“
I am about to go the way of all the earth. So be strong, show yourself a man and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in his ways and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go and the Lord may keep his promise to me:” (1 Kings 2: 2-4 NIV)
David finished off his dying words of wisdom with an order to kill a few guys that had crossed him under his kingship and with the final ‘Godfather’ like vendetta leaving his lips, his life had passed and his forty year reign over Israel had come to a close.
Solomon was now king of Israel. And he did not waste time in continuing the family business of murder, rape and plunder with his first order carried out being the execution of his brother Abonijah, where he is gorged with the tip of the sword in a field on the outskirts of town.
Solomon made an alliance with the Pharaoh King of Egypt, by marrying his daughter. Even if she were fat and ugly, what does it matter when you are the king of Israel? You are going to end up with a dozen, possibly hundreds of wives anyway, so why not make a pact with your one time enemy by taking his daughter in marriage. No brainer decision by my estimation.
Returning to the City of David with his bride, he falls asleep the same night and God appears to him in a dream. The dialogue of this REM state conversation has God asking Solomon:
“
Ask for whatever you want me to give you.” (1 Kings 3:5 NIV)
With echoes of the hit 60s TV comedy ‘I dream of Jeanie’, Solomon has an opportunity to wish for anything his heart desires – a new cart, or a new horse; a new dreidal or a new harp; or a harem filled with gorgeous babes. Cleverly he does not fall for God’s little game of gotcha and he replaces material gain for that of cerebral enlightenment. Solomon’s modest reply to God’s tempting offer:
“
O Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong.” (1 Kings 3:7-9)
God was pleased with this response. Pleased that Solomon had not requested the trappings of power, prestige or wealth. Pleased that his humble request was that only of wisdom. Accordingly, God filled Solomon’s head with wisdom. Doesn’t really mention how, but I imagine he blew in his ear, with a little breath a sophisticated young lady might give when cooling her soup. In addition to his new and improved brain, God rewarded Solomon with an abundance of gold and usual trappings of success, as he was very pleased.
“
Moreover I will give you what you have not asked for – both riches and honor – so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings.” (1 Kings 3:13 NIV)
It wasn’t long before Solomon was in a position to test drive his new brainpower, as two prostitutes soon after approached him with a veritable conundrum:
“
My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, the woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house by the two of us. During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son – and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.” (1 Kings 3:17-21 NIV)
The other woman promptly claimed the other was lying, and the new king could not be sure who really was telling the truth and who the living child’s real mum was. The smaller brained Solomon might have struggled with a solution to this tricky one man judicial case, but the new and improved Solomon came up with a stroke of genius. Drawing his sword out, he raised it above the baby’s head and just as he was about to slice the baby in two, so that both claimants could at least keep half a baby each, the true mother of the child yelled out:
