God Is Disappointed In You (28 page)

In which the Romans get a little creative with the Christian problem, false prophets run amok, and the world comes to a fiery, insect-filled end.

Of course, Paul wasn’t the only one writing about Christianity. He wasn’t even the movement’s leader. If that title belonged to anyone, it would’ve been James, who ran the church in Jerusalem and was purportedly the brother of Jesus Christ. And, as is clear from their letters, Paul and James didn’t always agree. Paul thought Christianity had rendered all the old Jewish traditions obsolete, whereas James and many of the old disciples still considered themselves to be Jews first, and still beholden to Jewish laws and traditions.

Most of these letters were written to warn Christians about false prophets, and to encourage them to stay strong as they faced persecution from the Roman Empire.
 

The Romans tried to be tolerant. They really wanted to be thought of as the cool empire, but there were two things they absolutely could not abide: revolts and people cheating on their taxes.
 

Many Christians refused to sacrifice to the Roman gods. To the Romans, who relied on the goodwill of Jupiter or Neptune or Artemis for good trade, weather, or harvests, sacrificing to these gods was tantamount to paying your taxes, and they couldn’t figure out why the Christians were being such insufferable buttholes. Because of their refusal to sacrifice to the local gods, many Christians were convicted, ironically, of atheism. For their punishment, they were beaten, imprisoned or fed to wild animals during the matinee before the gladiator fights.

The Emperor Nero came to power in 54 CE, and he really ramped up the persecution, blaming the Christians for setting the Great Fire of Rome. In retaliation, he lit his parties with human torches, the burning bodies of hundreds of Christians.

To make matters worse, the Jews revolted against Roman rule in 66 CE, temporarily evicting the Romans from Jerusalem. At that point, the Romans were done putting up with these God-worshipers. After putting down the revolt, killing tens of thousands of Jews in the process, and basically outlawing the Jewish religion, they destroyed the Temple of Solomon. This was a shock, not only for Jews, but also for Christians, many of whom were basically Jews for Jesus. The Romans had destroyed God’s home on Earth!

Meanwhile, a man named John had been living in a cave on the island of Patmos. When he heard that the temple had been destroyed, that his Jewish countrymen were being slaughtered, and that his fellow Christians were being used as cat food, he thought that he was witnessing nothing less than the end of the world. That Jesus surely had to come back now, or there would be nothing left to come back to. So he wrote a book called “Revelation” describing his vision of the imminent end of the world.

Here’s the news, Jews: I wanted to take this opportunity to address some lingering questions regarding your conversion from Judaism to the Christian faith. The FAQ is below, please pass it around among yourselves.

Q:
You told us that Jesus was coming back any day, and that was like decades ago. What’s the deal?
A:
What’s the hurry? You got fish sticks in the oven? Don’t worry, Jesus will come back when he’s good and ready. In the meantime, do NOT flake out on the Son of God. Remember when your ancestors got sick of waiting for Moses to come down from Mount Sinai? They panicked and started making golden calves and idols, and look what happened to them. They spilled the hooch and screwed the pooch. The entire nation spent the next forty years lost in the desert. So don’t make the same mistake twice.
Q:
Your teachings about the nature of Christ are often simplistic and, to be frank, vaguely insulting to our intelligence. We miss the richly complicated debates we used to have about the Torah.
A:
That’s more of a comment than a question, actually. But to respond: of course our teachings are simplistic! You are babies in the Christian religion. As babies, you’ve got to learn to drink milk before you can move on to solid food. Once you’ve mastered the basics of salvation and the forgiveness of sin, then we can get down to debating the finer points of Christian ethics and theology. Besides, if the old Jewish scriptures were doing such a great job of answering your questions, why did you turn to Christianity to begin with?
Q:
It’s getting kind of dangerous to be a Christian. Remind us why we need Jesus again? Didn’t God make all the same promises to us as Jews? Can’t we just go back to being Jews if we want to?
A:
Do not let yourself be scared away from the Christian faith. Hearing the teachings of Christ, accepting them, and then changing your mind is like crucifying Jesus all over again. If there’s one thing Christ hates, it’s a tease. Besides, being a Jew does not entitle you to the same promises as being a Christian. It’s like the old temple. Remember how everybody could come into the lower level of the temple, but then there was the holy chamber in which only the priests could enter, and inside that was the Holy of Holies where God himself lived and where only the High Priest could go in? Heaven is like that.

Through simple acts of faith like sacrificing goats and sheep, we can all approach God in some basic, entry-level way. But dead goats only get you so far. After that, there’s a higher level, a sort of Admiral’s Lounge, reserved only for the top performers. Guys like Moses, Noah, and Abraham, people with such enormous faith that they were willing to do whatever weird shit God asked them to— like build a ship in the middle of nowhere, or kill their only son in a sacrifice. Stuff like that.

Finally, there’s an inner sanctum, a Holy of Holies where God himself lives. And the only one who can go in there and be with God is Jesus Christ.Because he is the Son of God, Jesus can approach God in a way we cannot. And that’s why if we ever want to get into the Holy of Holies and be with God himself, we need to get on Jesus Christ’s guest list. Following the old laws and customs just isn’t going to cut it. Not if you want the full Heaven experience.

Okay, I hope this FAQ clears everything up. If there’s anything else you’re confused about, please take it up with your bishop or deacon.

To:
Christians everywhere
From:
James
 
Brother of Jesus Christ
 
Leader of the Church
Re:
Some damn good advice

I’ve heard that a lot of you have been arrested, beat-en up, and imprisoned simply for being Christians.
Do you know what I say to that? Good! If you want sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. God wants true believers. Hardship and persecution are the only things that keep the dabblers and dilettantes away. If you’re willing to be burned at the stake or eaten alive by baboons for your faith, then you’re obviously not in it for the free donuts and communion wine.
 

Maybe that’s why Christianity isn’t such a hot religion for rich people. They have so much to lose, and to serve Christ, you have to be willing to lose it all. Keep that in mind the next time a rich man wants special treatment. If anyone’s going to sell you out to the cops, it’ll be the rich guy who bought the front pew, not the guy in the greasy loincloth you made sit in the back. Besides, if the loincloth guy is good enough to sit by God’s side in Heaven, then who are you to tell him to move to the back of the church? 

Also, despite whatever Paul may have told you, don’t think that having faith in Jesus Christ means you can simply stumble into Heaven like a drunk crashing on the couch. God doesn’t give out medals just for believing the right things. You think believing in God makes you hot gravy? It doesn’t. Even the
devil
believes in God. So the Almighty isn’t terribly blown away by your willingness to acknowledge his existence.
 

What God wants from you isn’t your belief, but your dedication. Faith is nice, but by itself, it’s worthless. If you’re one of these Christians who’s full of faith, but who lets widows and orphans starve to death, you need to either start doing Christ’s work or start calling yourself something else. Faith without action is dead.
There is no proof of your faith
except
for action.
 

And don’t try to impress us with big talk about all the wonderful things you’re going to do in the future. The future is a bank without any deposits. Life is what you’re doing
now
, not what you plan to do later. Don’t try to excuse yourself from the hard work of feeding and clothing people today because you’ll make up for it tomorrow. Hell, I don’t even know if you’ll be alive tomorrow. A Christian who hears the teachings of Christ and doesn’t act on them is like a guy who looks into a mirror but then forgets what he looks like the second he walks away.

Also, don’t praise God with the same mouth you use to curse people. You can’t be a righteous Christian and a hateful prick any more than you can be a tree which grows both figs and oranges.
It’s one fruit or the other, folks.
 

Remember, you’re all brothers and sisters. You should be quick to listen, reluctant to speak, and slow as ketchup to get angry. Just as a forest fire can start with one tiny spark, a church can be destroyed by a few angry words. The road to Hell is paved with snappy comebacks, but as far as I know, God never struck anyone down for being a good listener.

Nor should you judge each other. There is only one qualified judge in the entire Universe and that is God. So when you judge somebody, you’re basically telling God that you can do his job better.
 

Finally, don’t waste your life chasing money. It just makes you fat and untrustworthy. I would like to remind you that we are living in the last days. So hoarding money at this point is sort of like scooping up poker chips aboard a sinking ship.

Hey, I’m sorry if I seemed a little glib earlier about the hardships and persecutions you are facing. I know you’re suffering. My point is that as hard as life is for you right now, it will all be worth it in the end. Just stay the course a little longer for soon we will all be safe together in the Kingdom of God. Christ will lead his ants to the picnic,
I promise.

To all my friends in Asia:
 

One of you brought up an interesting question the other day: if faith in Jesus Christ is the only way to get into Heaven, then what about all the people who died before Christ was born? Do they go to Hell? I think I might have an answer for that:
 

After Jesus was crucified, it was a good three days before he came back from the dead. If I know Jesus, he probably spent those three days in the netherworld, preaching to all the dead souls so they could believe in him, too. It makes sense and it’s totally like something he would do. So I wouldn’t worry about the dead too much. They’re probably already partying up in Heaven.

I’ve heard the stories about how you are being fed to lions in the arena. This is, hands down, the worst time to be a Christian. Though, admittedly, it is a pretty magical time to be a lion. I know what you’re going through, and I’ve heard you beg for salvation and cry out for Christ to have mercy on you. Over the years, I’ve come to know and love you all. And that’s why it kills me to say what I have to tell you now: Christ is not going to save you.
 

When somebody is asked to die for a god they don’t truly believe in, they drop him faster than a snake with herpes. Only people who worship the living Son of God are willing to give their very lives for him. I’m sorry, but when all is said and done, it won’t be your preaching, or your puritan morality, that will bring people to Jesus Christ. It will be your
death
. Like Christ before you, you must suffer so your tormentors can see the Kingdom of God.
 

I know this sounds nuts, especially considering what the law is doing to you, but it is essential that you be good, law-abiding citizens. I don’t care how sadistic the government is, or how ruthless your slave owner or husband may be. You have to put up with it so that when you are finally led away to die for Christ, people will know that you are innocent of all else, and that it is for your faith alone that you go to your death.