GODDESS OF THE MOON (A Diana Racine Psychic Suspense) (19 page)

She
tried to ignore the effect of his penetrating
eyes
, and for the first time questioned whether she should have come. “Where did you go? I mean, you had family. I’m sure they were concerned.”

“All I could think of was that everyone knew I wasn’t a man anymore. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I started drinking to avoid facing
reality
, and before long was heavily into drugs. Heroin, crack,
meth,
anything I could get my hands on
, a
nd I’d do anything to get it. Fortunately, I had money
―a
nice inheritance from an uncle. I doubt I could have sold my body
to pay
for my drugs
, un
less I sold myself as a freak. I don’t think I did,” he said almost apologetically, “but I’m not sure.
Some
time
shifts
are vague.

A shiver spiraled down Diana’s spine. She had wanted to hear this, but now she’d become a reluctant voyeur into Slater’s life.

“It’s astonishing how many people
eagerly
help you descend into that dark place called hell.
My
fall was precipitous. Not even my parents knew what happened
, only t
hat I
’
d disappeared. They
searched for
me, but I didn’t want to be found. Actually, half the time I
had no idea
where I was.”

Diana listened, trying to picture the nightmare Slater related. She couldn’t. “Didn’t you seek help?”

“For what?
I’d lost my manhood. No doctor could restore that
, and Isis wasn’t available
.”

“So you tried to kill yourself.”

He nodded.
“In the slowest possible way.”

She thought she saw dampness in Slater’s eyes, but in the next moment his eyes were clear and cold and steady. “How long did this go on?”

“Six very messy years, give or take. I weighed one thirty at the time. I’m six-two and weigh one eighty-five now, so you can imagine what I looked like. My total concentration revolved around getting
the
next fix. I don’t know how I managed to last
as
long
as I did
.”

“Maybe you didn’t want to die as much as you thought.”

Slater shrugged. “I wasn’t thinking much at
all then
, but I suppose the natural instinct for survival won out.”

She couldn’t get her eyes off him.
“And God?”

“What God? God was no longer an option for me. Before my diagnosis, I thought He ruled the universe, and He let me down. At least that’s how I felt when I was lucid enough to feel.”

“So what happened?”

“The last I remembered I was in Mexico nursing a
major heroin
habit.
I don’t
how, but
I wound up
outside
Tulsa at a shelter run by an old Osage Indian
. He
treated
those
from the reservation
who suffered from alcoholism. There are a lot of them, you know. George tried to get them back on their feet
, give them a place to recover.

“He’d never seen anyone like me.
I hadn’t had a fix in a while
and
was going through the stages of withdrawal.
I’d been rolled, because
I had no money left
.
Don’t think I’d eaten in days, but I managed to get my hands on some liquor to ward off coming down. I’d wet myself, a c
ommon occurrence, I might add.”

Slater
showed
no embarrassment. He was a man who’d come full circle, from wanting to die to
help
ing
others survive.

“While cleaning me up, George saw what he said caused him to throw up. When he got over the shock, he secured me to the bed and helped me get through the next few weeks. He enlisted the help of what we’d call a medicine man
,
or faith healer. He didn’t look like an Indian and didn’t live on the reservation. In fact, he
was whiter than me
, but he said he was of Indian heritage. The two of them took care of me like a baby while I retched and
spasmed
and screamed till I thought my lungs would burst. I remember begging them to
let me die, but they wouldn’t.”

Slater stopped and drank some water from
the
plastic bottle. He ran a moistened tongue over his dry lips. For the first time, Diana saw his vulnerability.
A twitch in his cheek, a quiver in his chin.
She knew on some level this was tearing him apart and wondered why he chose her to confess his tragedy
to
. Maybe it was nothing more than expediency, someone to listen. Sitting quietly, she waited for him to continue.

“The healer took me to a place after I recovered enough to know what was going on. He didn’t live there but came often. He applied traditional Indian healing methods along with alternative medicines to aid my recovery. I stayed there with his disciples for four years. I
had no idea
where he went when he
left
, and I
never
ask
ed
, but I looked forward to his frequent visits. He and his people taught me respect for the earth, the wind, the trees and,” he pointed, “that table over there.”

“Animism.”

Slater kept his eyes on her. He seemed surprised. “You know about Animism?”

She nodded. “Yes. I came across it during my curious period. The idea that a soul or spirit exist
s
in every object, even an inanimate one, appealed to me.”

“
T
o me too.
Animism is
one of man's oldest beliefs, likely dating to the
Paleolithic
A
ge. The
men
taught me that life exists not only in man but in everything, and that all life is sacred, with no distinction between the spiritual and
material, sacred and secular.”

“Mediums claim that Animism may be the unconscious fabrication of a spirit, and that he or she is actually channeling that spirit.”

“Yes.”

“I’m not a medium.”

“I know, but your gift suggest
s
you’ve reached a higher plane of thought. I’ve never told anyone this. The only ones who know were involved.”

“And the castration?”

“I couldn’t control the sexual urges. My transformation as a eunuch was complete.”

Diana’s skin prickled at his revelation. “You did what you had to do to live without torture.”

“Only to a point.
The desires are gone, but the reality is still torture. Women like Jeannine Highsmith and others have shown interest over the years, and I still find beautiful women desirable, maybe not sexually, but visually and intellectually.

“You, for instance.
Were
I so inclined, I would find you a most appealing partner. I feel liberated in saying that because I know you will take it
as a
compliment
,
with no ulterior motive.”

Diana’s heart rate increased to what seemed a dangerous level. “I’m flattered.” But was she? Edward Slater had an unusual effect on her, as if he emitted a mesmerizing pheromone. “But also uncomfortable.”

“Please accept my apologies.” He bowed his head. “I don’t want to embarrass you in any way. My honesty often gets me in trouble. You see, because of what I’ve gone through, when I quote that hackneyed expression,
‘
life is short,
’
I
mean
it as a personal truth.
My life
may be shorter
,
because I could face a recurrence
of cancer
at any time. It’s not unheard of, and I have no illusions. For that reason, sometimes I say what I feel without thinking. Again, I apologize.” Then, his eyes steady on Diana, he sa
id, “But I don’t take it back.”

Heat surged through her, and her body burned as if she were in a sauna. How could she let him get to her? She sought to change the subject and hoped her voice remained steady. “
Did
you reunite with your parents
?
”

Slater smiled as if he realized Diana’s deliberate shift in conversation. “My mother died during my disappearance. She never knew what happened to me. I regret that more than anything
;
to have put them both through the uncertainty is unforgivable. My father was happy to see me alive. I told him little of what I’d gone through.
He didn’t need to know
. He’s since died.”

Slater drank from his water bottle. “So you see, Diana, I could no more hurt a child or subscribe to evil than I could impregnate a woman. If I’ve been blind to certain things, it’s my failing. Maybe I should have paid more attention to Brigid and Nona and noticed something wasn’t right.”

“
As a student of mythology, didn’t their names ring any bells
?”

“I knew what the
y
meant,
and I knew they were phony,
but I
assumed
they chose them
because of their history.”

“Why didn’t someone file charges against their father?”

“They wouldn’t,
nor would they let m
e. They told me their last name was Fulceri. I searched the internet for their father. Maybe he was molesting others, but I couldn’t find any trace of
the name
.
”

“A phony?”

“Probably
, but I wouldn’t pry.
The sisters ran away because they were afraid of him. I wouldn’t do anything to put them in harm’s way.”

“Fulceri,” Diana repeated.
“Interesting name.”
She was about to elaborate when Silas Compton opened the office door without knocking.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know you had company.”

Slater stood. “Not a problem, Silas. Come in. I believe you know each other.”

Compton offered his hand to Diana.
“A pleasure to see you again, Ms. Racine.”

Diana took his hand and held her breath.
Nothing.
“The pleasure’s mine.
I won’t keep you two from your business.
I was about to leave
anyway
. It was nice seeing both of you.”

Compton held on to her hand.
“Nonsense.
No need to rush off.
I just dropped by to give Edward this check. It’s from a client who respects the work you do to help the people in this great city of ours.”

Slater
took the check and
peeked at
it
.
He let out a whistle.
“This is most generous. I’ll have to call and thank him.”

“Do that,” Compton said.
“Again, sorry to interrupt.
”
He started for the door and turned to Diana. “By the way
, Ms. Racine, are you free right now?
I have a few hours off. How about that reading you promised me? My car and driver are right outside.
”

“I drove,” Diana said. “I―“

“Not a problem. After the reading, my driver will bring you back
to your car
. I won’t take no for an answer.” He tucked her arm into his.
“Ciao, Edward.
Call Stanford. He’s worth a bundle and could be a continuing donor.”

“I will,” Slater said.
“I can’t wait to hear all about your reading, Silas.”

Diana hesitated. “I really shouldn’t. Ernie won’t know where I am.”

“Call him
from
the car,” Compton said.
“Unless you have to check with him for everything.
He does
keep you on
a short leash, doesn’t he?
”

Diana thought about that. Did Ernie
have
the same
control over her
as
her father had all those years
? No,
and she
w
ouldn’t let
him
.”

“O
kay,” she said.
“
I guess n
ow’s as good a time as any.”

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

G
od, what is that sound?
Diana clamped her hands over her ears, but the noise inside her head
pounded
like a hammer. She forced her eyes open. At first, she didn’t know where she was. It took a moment to recognize
her own
bedroom and the insistent buzzing of the doorbell.
She checked the read-out on the clock―seven a.m.