Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being (27 page)
Read Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being Online
Authors: Dr. Christiane Northrup
Cholesterol, too, can affect your sex drive: The lower your cholesterol, the lower your libido. Statin drugs to lower cholesterol also lower the libido. If you’re on a very low-fat diet, it’s time to get off that and start adding healthy fats back into your diet.
Usually, it’s stuck emotions, not hormones, that are the main issue when it comes to low sexual desire or sexual discomfort. If so, you might work with a physical therapist or do self-massage of your vagina to release any emotions that are energetically stuck in your pelvis, destroying your libido and sexual enjoyment. Signs that emotions are stuck in your pelvis include any and all gynecological problems, such as pelvic pain, large fibroids, recurrent urinary tract infections, and inability to experience sexual pleasure. Consider talk therapy for bringing to the surface your thoughts and feelings about your sexuality and past sexual trauma. I have to warn you that while a great sex therapist or sexological body worker may be able to help you quite a lot, it’s important to choose someone who will respect your sexual boundaries. I’ve known far too many women who’ve been traumatized trying to get help. If you don’t get a good feeling working with someone, and you sense it’s not the healing work but the person who is the problem, walk away and find a different healer.
WHEN YOU CRAVE TOUCH
Humans are designed to give and receive touch in many different ways. In orphanages where babies don’t experience regular, loving touch, the children end up with serious developmental problems. Experiments have even shown that baby monkeys will choose the touch of a mother over food—it’s that important to have pleasurable touch. Whether or not you’re having sex with a partner, you need to make sure you get plenty of touch.
Unrequited, the desire for touch can lead you to make sexual choices that aren’t right for you. Acknowledge your need for tactile input as well as your longings for companionship and affection, and it will be easier to make sexual choices that support you as an ageless, pleasure-seeking goddess.
Fertility, Childbirth, and Becoming a Mother in Midlife
I consider fertility a lifelong blessing even when you can no longer get pregnant. After a certain point, a woman’s body is not meant to experience pregnancy and giving birth.
When you look at the statistics on abortion, the majority of women ending their pregnancies are younger women, but the next largest group is women in their early 40s who thought they were no longer fertile and were inconsistent about using contraception. Don’t kid yourself—you still need birth control in your 40s and sometimes even in your 50s, unless you’ve gone through perimenopause and are definitely postmenopausal. Of course, for many women, sex gets better simply because they are no longer worried about pregnancy after menopause. Sometimes, switching off of a hormonal method of birth control makes a big difference. Getting off the pill and rid of the fear of pregnancy may not return a woman’s sex drive to normal instantly, but it should come back fairly quickly. If you’ve written off sex as a thing of the past, and you are using hormonal contraception, I urge you to look at your other options until you’ve crossed the threshold of menopause.
If you feel drawn to become a mother in some way during this new stage of life, and you’re thinking of adopting, or taking in a foster child, or working with a fertility specialist to have a baby despite being in perimenopause, think hard about what it is you want to create. There are many ways to express your mother energy. Becoming a mother to a child at this point in your life may be right for you, but it’s not the only way to express yourself creatively. Be honest with yourself about your fertility and the ways your body is changing. That way, you’re more likely to make the best decision for yourself. Don’t make the decision unconsciously by not being scrupulous about birth control. Start envisioning what you want to give birth to—and give yourself permission to be “fertile” in a new way.
Touch is a basic human need, so meet it shamelessly. I hug men and women in my tango community all the time—and, of course, tango offers a marvelous opportunity for touching another person. I remember that soon after my divorce, I began to miss being hugged by a man. I loved that Dave, my favorite waiter at a restaurant near my home, would give me a big, loving hug every time he saw me. My body soaked up his embraces like a desert after a rain.
Research shows human beings need not just touch but affectionate touch into adulthood. When you experience affectionate touch, your body releases the bonding hormone oxytocin. That not only makes you feel good, it may reduce inflammation in your body.
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Be sure to bring into your life people who are comfortable with the kind of touch you like, whether you’re someone who craves hugs and neck massages or you like kisses on the cheek. It’s important that two people agree on how to touch each other. If your partner is emotionally affectionate but not big on touch, find someone you can touch nonsexually to get your hugs, back rubs, and cuddles. And get massages if you can; that’s another way to bring touch into your life.
A massage therapist will typically work on your arms and hands, legs and feet, neck, and scalp, but not your pelvis or breasts. I prefer that a massage therapist focus on the sacrum and pectoral muscles around the breasts because so much needs massaging there! Trust yourself. A good massage therapist will respect that a lot of trauma may be stuck in this area and will help you release it. But if you don’t feel comfortable when you walk into the room, or during the massage, speak up or leave.
Choose a massage therapist carefully to be sure it’s someone whom you can trust to drape you carefully and respectfully during the body work, and who will respond to your requests for altering his or her touch. Keep in mind that it’s common for emotions to come up and out during massage—even if the massage
therapist isn’t working directly on the parts of your body that are holding the emotions—so don’t feel embarrassed if the touch brings up some tears or laughter.
Listen to your instincts about what feels nurturing and pleasurable and what feels uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and your needs. You may find that the ritual of a massage, in which you’re just in underpants and kept covered by a sheet that is carefully adjusted as the masseuse moves on to work on another part of your body, is a marvelous way to experience respect for your body and your boundaries.
If you have never had a massage, start with one that involves lighter touch (for example, Swedish massage) and avoid any that involve deeper pressure. Sports medicine clinics often focus on the kind of massage that is uncomfortable, even painful, and can leave you sore afterward. You’re looking for a massage in a quiet, dimly lit room with spa music, and a massage therapist who almost whispers when she has to give you an instruction and who keeps chatter to a minimum as she gives you a relaxation massage. The other types of massage have their value, but when it comes to reconnecting to your body in a pleasurable way and releasing any stuck emotions or energy, go for the softer, gentler massage rather than the kind that will have you yelping in discomfort. Drink plenty of water after a massage to help release toxins.
Massage increases your circulation and lowers your levels of cortisol, the hormones associated with stress. It also boosts your immunity and is a wonderful way to nurture your whole body. In fact, I think massage should be a cornerstone of your self-care and wellness program. If you have trouble affording regular massages, go with a friend to take a course on how to do them, and once you’ve gotten the training, give each other massages. Sign up for coupon deals, buy massages in bulk, or get them at a spa school to save money.
Another way to experience sensual, tactile pleasure is foot massage. In the somatosensory cortex of the brain where we experience sensations, the area where we experience clitoral sensations is right below where we experience sensations on our feet. No wonder a foot massage can be a turn-on!
Ageless Sex: Eleven Tips
Regardless of your age, you can experience the best sex ever if you follow these 11 tips.
- Put the focus on your pleasure.
Whether you’re having sex with a partner or alone, connecting with your vital life force and enjoying the experience are paramount. - Ask for what you want.
Recognize that your pleasure matters, and don’t settle for a partner who doesn’t value your needs. - Take the time you need.
Stop looking at your watch and surrender to pleasure! Enjoy every moment and don’t worry about how long it is taking you to get warmed up or to reach a pinnacle of excitement. Remember that the orgasm begins with the first contraction of your PC muscle. Don’t try to “achieve” anything. - Use plenty of lubrication.
When you get enough stimulation and your blood is circulating well, the mucosa tends to thicken on its own, but you can get a little help with over-the-counter lubricants. I highly recommend ones made with
Pueraria mirifica.
Prescription estrogen creams can also make your vaginal lining thicker and slicker. - Build a flexible, functional pelvic floor.
Instead of using the old Kegel muscle squeeze techniques, work out the entire pelvic floor muscle group so that you can better enjoy intercourse and be free of stress and urgency incontinence. Check out the book
The Bathroom Key
by Kim Perelli and Kathryn Kassai, P.T., C.E.S., for a program for working out and building up your pelvic floor, and see the quick hints in
Chapter 4
on
How to Support Your Pelvic Floor
. Also check out
“Down There” for Women,
a DVD by Katy Bowman. - Know, treasure, and express love to your erotic female anatomy.
Your erotic anatomy is a marvelous gift! Be familiar with your erotic anatomy and how to stimulate this area pleasurably. - Keep vitamin D levels optimal.
Between 40 and 80 nanograms/ml is ideal. Sufficient levels of vitamin D can help prevent anxiety and depression, which are common libido killers. You can get vitamin D from exposure to the sun and from vitamin D3 supplements. - Get adequate sleep.
Most women need eight to ten hours for optimal functioning. Sleep is restorative at a cellular level. It allows you to clear accumulated stress hormones that cause inflammatory processes that lead to disease. - Awaken your pelvic energy centers.
Your first chakra is the center of kundalini energy, where you experience your life force. The second chakra is your second energy center, and it can become sluggish and blocked if you have unresolved emotional issues about sex, money, and power. Let go of anger, hurt, and fear, and recharge your lower chakras with activities that get your hips moving. - Get a new partner—or become a new partner.
When you experience your delicious sexuality and indulge in self-pleasure, you become even more desirable. Better sex starts with you. - Consciously bring the Sacred into your sex life.
Light candles, burn incense, play beautiful music, and be a goddess whose bodily pleasure is a channel for healing the world.
EROTICA VERSUS PORN
One powerful way to reconnect to your sexuality is through the written word. Men tend to become sexually turned on by images, while women often become turned on by words. That’s why a man will log on to an Internet porn site rather than read an erotic novel, and a woman will go for
Fifty Shades of Grey.
Whether you read and enjoyed that bestseller or not, its huge success is a reminder of what women are looking for sexually but are often denied. The woman in the story is able to experience sex guilt-free because she can’t protest when she’s tied up, so any shame about pleasure goes out the window. The man is dedicated to giving her pleasure and has an entire room devoted to sexual enjoyment—that’s a turn-on to women who are unlikely to make room for pleasure in their own lives. The male lover pampers the woman, showering her with gifts and taking her out to the most delicious and romantic dinners—again, something women fantasize about. And all of this is described in detail so that the reader can create her own image of what her pleasure room and devoted lover look like.
Erotic writing connects us with our earthy desires. I appreciate a spicy romance novel and the erotic writings of authors such as Anaïs Nin. My all-time favorite erotic scenes in literature feature the characters Jamie and Claire in Diana Gabaldon’s Out-lander series. I encourage you to awaken your erotic anatomy by reading erotica and erotic passages. The world is a little short on really good erotic movies at the moment, but I expect that will change with more women becoming empowered sexually.
Frankly, the porn industry has done more to warp the erotic imagination of men than just about anything else has. The standard “formula” porn movie is cheap to produce and features a vacuous woman with breast implants and no pubic hair who is mounted by a guy with a big penis, who penetrates her for a very short time before “finishing” with his own climax. The woman doesn’t appear to experience much pleasure at all. It’s because of porn, after all, that Brazilian pubic hair waxing has now become standard for so many women. Removing pubic hair was first done in porn flicks simply because a hairless vulva makes it easier to see the “penetration shots.” It’s now considered
“personal care,” as though pubic hair in and of itself were somehow dirty! Shaving this area of the body can make a woman more vulnerable to infections when bacteria enter tiny cuts in the skin caused by shaving, and it can cause ingrown hairs.
Now, if you want to trim or remove your pubic hair, that’s your choice. I just want you to know it’s a choice—not another “should.” Many men and women are turned on by the body’s natural state of hairiness, so don’t feel pressured to do something that makes you uncomfortable because of some mistaken idea that it’s “hygienic.” Don’t let pornographic images dictate how you feel about your body or what you think is sexy.
In general, porn perpetuates a very substandard sexual experience for both men and women. However, unlike pornography, which has no heart or soul, erotica is enlivening. If, like many women, you aren’t turned on by sexual video and photographs, you might want to try reading an erotic novel or story collection. And if neither makes you feel sexy, don’t worry about it. There are many other ways to reconnect with your sexual self.
