Going Hard: Divemasters, Book 3 (8 page)

“Don’t feel you have to. But I
am
curious.” He rubbed her shoulders lightly, relaxing her further.

His unconditional acceptance made it easier to begin her confession.

T
osin concentrated
on lying still and keeping his respiration measured. He didn’t want to frighten Kahori away again, especially not when she was putting so much faith in him. Trust was something he sensed didn’t come easily for her, for some reason he hoped he was about to discover.

If they were going to play again, harder next time, he had to be sure she would enjoy the same brand of loving he did. He couldn’t deny his dominant streak, though he could definitely tailor how it manifested to suit her needs. The way she’d deferred to him, begging for instruction in the glowworm cavern, made him positive she could enjoy his hardwired sexual preferences as much as he did. Even if she didn’t understand the various nuances of what a power exchange could entail…yet.

It didn’t have to be something artificial with a lot of rules of engagement or anything too extreme. He’d love to educate her about the wide variety of pleasures available for her to sample.

Their easy companionship convinced him they would be great partners in and out of bed. But he had to find an approach to intimacy that would work for them both. Challenge accepted.

To do that, he had to understand her first. Her fears, her hopes, her triggers, her limits—each critical variable in the equation. So he kept quiet and studied her, greedily absorbing every crumb of information she fed him about the woman he was quickly becoming obsessed with.

Okay, fine, he’d been completely infatuated with Kahori since the first moment he’d laid eyes on her.

“I guess it started when my mom left us.” She drew a deep, shaky breath, wincing slightly when the inhalation put pressure on her ribs. “I was still a toddler. I hardly remember her, to be honest. But I clearly recall how miserable Pāpā was after she had gone. He’s always loved Aitutaki. Not only the place, but also the way of living. Truly enjoying each day instead of slaving away in an office, paid to perform a meaningless, repetitive task. He spends time on the water fishing for dinner, on walks through the jungle picking fruit. He soaks up the sun as he repairs our house. Pāpā is resourceful, making things we need out of what we have. So I guess when my mother left, it wasn’t only that she abandoned us both and piled a heap of extra responsibilities on him, but she rejected his dying way of life, jabbing another knife in its back.”

Tosin could see how that would hurt. What if he’d fallen for a woman who loved living in one place, maybe in a giant city far from the ocean? How could he choose between the person he loved and the only existence that could keep him happy?

He thought about it some more, wondering what might have happened if his grandparents had lived longer. Of course he would have relished every moment he got to spend with them. One day, though, would he have resented being held captive in a place he’d been born in but didn’t love as much as others?

As shitty of a grandson as it made him, the answer was probably yes. Then again, they had always encouraged him to follow his heart. They wouldn’t have guilted him into staying or anything like that. Still… he thought he understood where she was heading with this.

“So when your business started taking off, you hung around, sacrificing some potential to keep from trampling your dad’s heart all over again, right?” Tosin could see how it would be a tough call. There wasn’t any clear right answer.

“Yeah.” Kahori sighed as if she’d never admitted it out loud before. “I would love to see more of the world than our little island, even though I do think this is probably as close to paradise as I could ever find. But I’ve felt like I had to tamp down those desires so that I didn’t turn out like my mother. Every time I went on one of my selling trips, Pāpā would hug me so tight at the airport that I’m sure he thought I wouldn’t come back. Twenty years after my mother split, he’s still traumatized. As far as I know, he’s never been with anyone else before or since. Who could walk away from their child and husband—one who loved her to his core—like that?”

“Hey, no judgment here.” He cleared his throat, then said, “My mom’s a hooker.”

Kahori giggled. “Come on, I was being serious.”

“So was I.” He let that truth-bomb explode all over them.

“Wow.” She hugged him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed…”

“It’s fine.” He kissed her forehead. “I grew up in the wetlands just north of Amsterdam. She’s a legit sex worker over there. I hear she’s pretty good at her job. My mom never really wanted a kid. So she kept doing her thing and sent money to my grandparents, who raised me. We lived simply but had all the essentials. Unfortunately, my Opa had a massive brain aneurism and dropped dead while out in his garden one sunny afternoon. Not a bad way to check out, I guess. Oma didn’t last too long after he’d passed. By the time I was fifteen, I was on my own. If I’d gone to my mother for help, I’m sure she would have done the right thing. But I figured a decade and a half of being bogged down financing another person’s existence was enough punishment for a mistake or a fluke of biology, whatever I had been.”

“No wonder you’re so confident. You’ve always done things for yourself.” She nuzzled his chest. “I admire that about you.”

“Actually…” Tosin shook his head as he stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t feel that way at all. It took me about two years of backpacking, wandering aimlessly with no home, no family, no purpose except to survive each day—and definitely no money—before I ran into Miguel and Archer. They became my family. Until them, I was pretty much a vagabond.”

Tosin cleared his throat. Here came his biggest admission of all. “There were so many factors I had absolutely no control over that when it came to women and sex…”

“You like to be in charge,” she simplified.

“I
need
it.” He tried not to get turned on discussing this with her, considering her state. But imagining her peering up at him as she’d followed his directions earlier—sucking his cock so well, with enthusiasm if not skill—threatened to unleash another tsunami of desire within him. “The rush brings me satisfaction, yes. But the gift of a woman’s surrender grounds me. Satisfying us both makes me sure that no matter what else happens, I have that part of my life in hand.”

Kahori nodded slowly. She also squirmed against him, and he didn’t think pain was responsible for her fidgeting this time.

“So that’s why I’m curious.” He hesitated until she looked at him. “Did you run from me because you liked the idea of sailing away with me, or did you run because you were afraid of the part of you that needs to submit?”

She took time to truly consider before whispering, “Both.”

“Tell me more about the sex club you went to,” he prompted.

“Ugh.” She burrowed her face into his collarbone, hiding from him. “It was pretty much awful. Embarrassing and in no way enjoyable. It wasn’t like the subtle way you took the lead before, which felt natural and honest to me.”

Well, shit. That was going to make it a lot harder for him to admit he loved that sort of formal environment with established BDSM parameters. So much that he, Archer, and Miguel had their own private clubroom just down the hall. He would tell her, though, when she was ready to hear it and he was sure she wouldn’t bolt again. If she stuck around that long.

First he had to know what he was up against.

“Did someone hurt you there?” He should have stopped devouring her in the cavern to have this discussion then, but he’d been too greedy and he’d paid the price for his avarice. Worse, so had Kahori. If he had done things the right way, maybe she never would have fled.

Instead, they’d be blissed out, probably lying on his blanket on the beach or enjoying the pineapple desserts back at island night.

The possibility that someone had raped her terrified him. He wasn’t sure if he could overcome the deep scarring that such a violation could have left on her or if he was qualified to give her the support she would need if she had. He’d try his best, but maybe it wouldn’t be enough.

She was quick to put him at ease, maybe underplaying things a little. “No. Nothing like that. It just was so contrived. There was no emotion. Completely opposite of what I felt with you tonight.”

Kahori blushed as she admitted that, so he rewarded her with a careful kiss on her damaged lips. That tiny peck alone had him craving more. He stared into her eyes, scanning for any signs of discomfort, as he lingered there.

She practically purred and sank deeper into his sheltering embrace.

Perfect.

When they broke apart, she seemed stronger. She continued, “I convinced myself that if I was going to lose my V-card, it had to be then. I wasn’t ready, but I wasn’t going to have an opportunity again for who knew how long, so I picked someone who seemed decent enough to get the job done. Except when I realized the physical act alone wasn’t going to satisfy my curiosity, I felt like I couldn’t turn back. The guy—I didn’t even know his name—held up his end of the bargain. He did as I asked and seemed to really get off on popping my cherry.”

“Kahori, don’t justify how he acted. He didn’t do right by you.” Tosin could see how she might think he had, though, if she’d never had a caring partner before. “Any man or woman has a responsibility to care for his or her partner. That shouldn’t change just because you were at a club. I’ve fucked plenty of women casually. That doesn’t mean I didn’t take care of them, or honor their gift. Hell, I even think I gave them all the best parts of myself for that moment. That guy you were with should have seen it in your eyes, that you weren’t really into it anymore. As the more experienced person, he should have cut you loose. He didn’t. Selfish bastard.”

“It would have been impossible for him to see my expression.” She closed her eyes then, keeping Tosin from reading clues about her statement in them. He didn’t care for that.

“What do you mean by that?” He noted the pounding of her pulse and the clenching of her hands as proof enough. If he could have kicked this guy’s ass, he would gladly have done it. That loser
had
hurt her, even if she couldn’t express the injury or admit it to herself.

“He put me on some kind of bench on all fours, with my ass in the air, then fucked me from behind.” She winced then. “He said it would be less painful that way.”

“That bastard lied to you.” Tosin imagined how much deeper he could penetrate a lover in that position. He’d bet the guy hadn’t been gentle either. He’d probably gotten off on impaling her on the first stroke, knowing no one had ever been deep in her pussy before.

Tosin had thought he’d reached a record level of anger earlier that night when he’d seen Kahori take a physical beating at the hands of a stranger. If he had, he shattered it again with a new high…or new low, depending on how you looked at it.

If he’d seen someone damaging Kahori that way, so much worse, he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from ripping their cock off with his bare hands to keep them from ever betraying a woman’s trust so thoroughly again.

Tosin didn’t bother asking if the fucker had at least taken time to get her off. It was clear he wasn’t capable of that and she probably wouldn’t have been able to climax after such rough treatment, even if he’d tried to take her there.

Then Kahori finished her story in a rush, as if expelling the last of the poison from a sea snake bite. “When he finished, he didn’t even say goodbye. He walked away and left me there, wondering what the hell had just happened and how I could have been stupid enough to have thought this was what I wanted. A couple of strangers saw and helped me clean up the blood and get dressed.”

“Wait.” Tosin clenched his jaw. “He fucked you in a public space? Left you to fend for yourself after?”

“Yes. I’m kind of glad about that, actually, because those strangers were so kind. They tried to tell me not everyone there was like the guy I fucked. That if I came back they’d make it better. They drove me to my hotel, made sure I was okay. But I knew I’d never do it again. Despite what I thought, that kind of organized, artificial relationship isn’t for me.”

Tosin knew he’d have to respect her boundaries. Though she hadn’t had a fair introduction to the kind of activities he sometimes indulged in, it would likely be a hard stop for her. And he would have to accept that if he wanted to spend more time with her. Show her how good sex could be with the right partner.

And he desperately wanted that. He’d never longed for something as badly as that in his life.

So he’d make sure she never knew that side of him or had a chance to mistakenly believe that he could be as callous as the person she’d had the misfortune to entrust with her virginity.

He’d make sure that the next time was the only time that counted.

Tosin held himself above her, careful not to apply pressure to any of her sore spots. He dropped his head and kissed Kahori, giving her a glimpse at how he’d be different from the only other man who’d been inside her. He’d ply her with anticipation, not fear. And hopefully, when their affair came to an end, he’d leave her with fond memories instead of regrets.

Fine cracks developed in his heart when he realized that it wouldn’t be fair for him to talk about whisking her away from Aitutaki again. He wouldn’t put her in that position—choosing between him and her father. Hell, they had a private jet. He could visit often. Or maybe even take a break from the
Divemaster
until they could figure something out.

Those were problems for another time.

For now, he only cared about taking away her pain and replacing it with something much sweeter. She sighed and touched his back, keeping him close to her. Hesitant at first, her inquisitive caresses turned into true embraces when he used his mouth and tongue to communicate just how much he enjoyed her touches.

One of her hands wandered from his shoulders to the dip of his waist. It crept lower, toward his ass. Meanwhile, he was careful to keep his pelvis far enough away that she couldn’t feel how aroused he was by the strides they’d made, and her tentative affection.

Before he could get carried away, a knock came at the door and Archer called, “Can we come in?”