Going Under (23 page)

I waited in Humanities impatiently and felt short of breath when he finally came through the door. This was it-the moment of truth.

He took the seat next to me, put his backpack down, then looked over at me and softly said, “Hey, Princess.”

Hearing him call me Princess made me feel a little more at ease. “Hey, you,” I said, keeping with our usual routine. I looked down at my notebook and doodled as I added, “You didn’t return my calls or texts.”

When he started to answer, I looked over at him. “I’m sorry. I know you’re probably a little confused about what is going on with me, but we don’t have time to get into everything before class. Will you meet me after practice so we can talk?”

“Of course I will,” I agreed. “Do you want me to meet you by your truck?”

“Yeah, that will work.” He didn’t look at me and I took that as a bad sign, so I was a bundle of nerves the rest of day.

After practice, I waited for him by his truck while my stomach was busy tying itself in knots. I dreaded this conversation because I was certain it was going to be near impossible to convince him that his sessions with my mom weren’t relevant to our relationship.

He looked so exhausted when he walked toward me from the field and I wondered if it was from practice or if he was as sleep deprived as me. “You look really tired. Is now a bad time for us to talk because we can wait if you want?”

He shook his head. “No. I need to do this.”

His words caused my heart to pick up speed because I didn’t like what they implied. I got in the truck with him and he dropped his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.

“You said you needed to do this. What does that mean? What do you need to do?” I asked while I braced myself for the worst.

He inhaled deeply, then slowly blew the air out through his pursed lips. “I don’t want to see you anymore. I pretended I was in love with you because I wanted to see if I could take you from Forbes. Looks like I did a pretty good job and I have to thank you for making it so much fun for me. I thought I could get in your pants, but since you shut me down on that, there’s really no need to continue this.”

“I don’t believe you. I know this is about something else,” I argued.

He turned to look out the window as he said, “Just because you don’t believe it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

“You’re lying. You won’t even look me in the face when you say it,” I challenged.

He hurled across the seat and grabbed my jaw. “Every time you teased me I was thinking about how I was going to screw Gretchen when I got away from you. That’s right, Claire. I’ve been sleeping with her all along.”

I felt the tears swelling, threatening to spill from my eyes. This wasn’t about my mom at all. I was only a game to him. It was never real. He didn’t love me because if he did, he would never have used Gretchen to hurt me like that.

I felt the tears rolling down my face as he held it firmly in his hand. This wasn’t what I expected and I was completely unprepared for it. I jerked away from him and silently stared at him for a moment before I opened the passenger door. I stumbled when I stood, my legs threatening to give away on me because they felt like gelatin.

I left his passenger door standing open and ran toward my car to throw myself inside. I had no idea how long I sat there staring blankly at my steering wheel, but there wasn’t a car remaining in the lot when I finally looked up. I turned to look where Jessie’s truck was parked and it was gone as well.

When I gathered myself enough to drive home, I felt numb. I parked in my usual spot, but had no memory of how I got there. It was like an out of body experience and someone else had driven home for me.

I walked in the house and my mom said something that sounded like static and I ignored her. I climbed the stairs to my bedroom and threw myself across my bed, the one I had shared with Jessie not so long ago.

I heard my mom knock, then ease my door open. “Can I come in?”

I didn’t answer and she mistook that as an invitation. She sat next to me on the bed and stroked my hair the way she did when I was a little girl. “I take it things didn’t go well today.”

“Jessie broke up with me.” I still couldn't believe it even as I heard myself say the words.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

I wasn’t ready because the cut was too fresh and deep. “I can’t right now.”

“It’s okay. You know you can tell me anything when you decide you’re ready. I’m always here for you.” She pulled me close and hugged my tightly.

“Mom, don’t be shocked if I’m never ready.”

28 That’s Going to Leave a Mark

Jessie

Damn. That was going to leave a mark.

Claire was my everything and now I was back to having nothing. It was like I had watched her slip from my grasp in slow motion as I told her the darkest lie to ever leave my lips.

I took one look at the devastating expression on her face and knew she believed my deception. I couldn’t feel more wretched, but it was necessary for her to believe I didn’t love her. Otherwise, she wouldn’t let me go and eventually be led to the whole truth about me.

I needed to talk to someone-a person that knew Claire. Dane was the only person to come to my mind, so I drove in the direction of his house.

When he answered the door, he was still wearing his clothes from practice. “I need you to come out and run with me.”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “Dude, you are out of your mind. My ass is dragging and yours should be too, so why would you want to run after that intense workout Coach gave us today?”

“Because I need to talk to you.”

He laughed and shook his head. “We can talk without running.”

I needed the running as a distraction to keep this from becoming so uncomfortable. “Will you come or not?”

He sighed deeply. “Hell, I don’t want to, but I guess I will.”

We started running and I couldn’t find the words I needed to begin, then Dane prompted me by saying, “I’m only giving you one block, so this conversation is becoming shorter as we make the circle back around to my house.”

Seeing I was on a time restraint, I said, “I broke up with Claire.”

I heard the confusion in his voice. “Why would you do that? You love her.”

The good thing about running was I didn’t have to look at him when I explained. “I do love her, but there are things she doesn’t know-bad things that would ruin the way she feels about me. I’m no good for her. Hell, I’m no good for anyone and it was only a matter of time before she figured it out on her own.”

“A chicken shit-that's what you are. You’re scared and you’re letting her go so you don’t have to take a chance because it’s easier than getting hurt,” he accused.

“That’s not true.”

He was ready for an argument. “It is true and I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t call you out on it. She knows you don’t come from family with money and she doesn’t care. She was so upset about what ever happened on Saturday night that she had me drive her around for over two hours looking for you because you wouldn’t man up and take her calls.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Try explaining it to me because you’re right-I don’t understand. You love her. She loves you. It’s pretty simple to figure out in my book.”

There wasn’t a way to make him understand without telling him what was going on. “It’s way more complicated than that. I come from something you couldn’t begin to imagine,” I explained.

“How is your family so different?” he questioned.

Something happened in me and I felt like I would snap if I didn’t tell someone what was going on with me because I was sick of living this lie. “Dane, I grew up watching my mom deal drugs for a living. This summer, a man shot and killed her in front of me because he thought she was ripping him off and she probably was. He thought he killed me when he put a bullet in me and all of this happened while my two little brothers hid in a closet in their bedroom. Now, I live with the grandmother that taught my mom how to deal and she is forcing me to deal in exchange for a roof over my head. In the meantime, I have two little brothers in foster care that I have to figure out how to get back and take care of, so don’t try to tell me I left Claire so it would be easier because nothing in my life is easy.”

He stopped running and stared at me.

“I don’t want anyone to know. Especially Claire,” I warned.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone, but you can’t keep doing that, dude. It’s illegal. You could go to jail,” he said like I didn’t already know that was a possibility.

I tried to defend myself and my actions. “Well, right now I need a roof over my head, so I don’t have much of a choice, but that’s not the end of it. Believe it or not, it gets much worse.

He looked at me like it wasn’t possible for it to get worse. “After I was shot, my doctor thought I needed psych counseling so I was referred out for possible post traumatic stress.”

When his eyes grew to the size of saucers, I knew he was putting it together. “Say it isn’t so.”

“Yep, it’s so. Mrs. Deveraux was my counselor. I couldn’t get discharged from her until I started talking so she knows everything about me and I do mean everything. I could have died when I walked up in Claire’s house and saw her on Saturday night. She pretended we didn’t know each other, but only because she didn’t have a choice. She told me to break it off with Claire, so what was I supposed to do?”

I could see his wheels turning, trying to find a solution for me. “Dude, I’m really sorry, because I know how much you love her, but we need to get you away from your grandmother. You can stay with me so you don’t have to deal for her anymore.”

“No, I can’t. I know it sounds terrible to you, but it’s what I’ve known my entire life, so I’m use to it. It’s not so bad and I only have to do it until I graduate. I’m going to get a full time job and find a place to stay until fall semester starts, then I’ll live on campus wherever I go to school.”

“That sounds like a great plan and all, but what if you get caught and go to jail in the meantime?” he proposed.

“I know how to be careful, but I was serious about not telling anyone. You feeling me?”

“I’ve got it,” he promised.

I went back to running and he followed. “I’m sorry, man. I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on you, but I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t talk to someone soon.”

“I’m glad you trust me enough to confide in me, but I think you should explain everything to Claire. She loves you unconditionally. I saw that on Saturday night.”

“No! She can never know.”

* * *

I wasn’t ready to face Claire, so I didn’t go to school on Tuesday and because it was so easy to not face her on Tuesday, I didn’t go on Wednesday either. I was afraid I might not be allowed to play on Friday night if I cut school more than two days, so I reluctantly returned on Thursday.

I purposely waited until the tardy bell rang before I went to Calculus because it was easier to take the tardy than have the ‘how could you do that to her’ conversation with Payton. I kept my eye on my watch while I waited for the bell to ring and somehow managed to dodge her after class.

I sat in Humanities dreading the moment Claire entered class because I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing that hurt look on her face. The bell rang without a sign of her and Mrs. Tanner said, “Jessie, I’m glad to see you’re back and recovered from whatever put you and Claire out of school this week, but it looks like she isn’t going to make it back today. Do you know if she is doing any better?”

I had news for her. I was no where near recovered and wouldn’t be anytime soon. “No, ma'am. I haven’t talked to her.”

She looked confused as she said, “I hope she is alright.”

She looked at me, waiting for my response, but I couldn’t give her something I didn’t have, so I stared down at my desk and waited for her to take the hint.

I suffered through the hour, then made a second attempt at avoiding Payton when I got to history, but wasn’t so lucky this time around. She sat in front of me in history, then turned around and got in my face. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and listen to your mansplanation before I go postal on your ass.”

I looked down at my notebook because I was afraid she might see what I was trying to hide from her. “I don’t have to explain anything to you.”

She slapped her hand on the desk to get my attention, not caring if she called everyone’s attention to us. “Uh, yeah...you do. I encouraged Claire to pursue a relationship with you all based on what you led me to believe, so you do owe me an explanation.”

It was time to get her off my trail. “I played you and I played her-pretty well I might add. It was always about taking her from Forbes, but when she wouldn’t sleep with me, I was done with her because I have better ways to spend my time.”

She wrinkled her forehead as she looked at me. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t believe you.”

“What are you? A human lie detector?” I laughed.

She stared me down and said, “When someone tells a lie, the grimace that accompanies it always tells the truth and that’s a fact, Jack.”