Gold Hill (12 page)

“
Rachel will show Jackie
how it’s done,” Sandy said. “Won’t you?”

Rachel grabbed Sandy’s
right breast with her tiny hand and began to nurse. Valerie stood
watching.

“
Why don’t you sit next to
Sandy?” Jill asked. “She’s right. Jackie will have an easier time
if Rachel’s there.”

Valerie sat down. She
fumbled with her night shirt. She held her precious Jackie near her
breast. And nothing happened.

“
She’s not doing it,”
Valerie said. “She only does it when Rosa’s around. It’s like Rosa
is her Mom and I’m . . . ”

“
Lonely,” Sandy said. “We
all felt it. Jill?”

Jill crouched next to
Valerie.

“
You have to coax her a
little bit,” Jill took a drop of milk from Valerie’s breast and put
it on Jackie’s lips. Jackie smacked her lips. “See, she’s
ready.”

“
But . . . ?” Valerie’s eyes filled with
tears. “I can’t . . .
and . . . ”

Jill moved Valerie’s hands
to support Jackie. She adjusted Valerie’s breast then helped her
hold Jackie in place. The baby began to suckle. Valerie
smiled.

“
Relax,” Sandy said.
“You’ll be an old pro by the time Honey has her baby. We might be
done by then so you and Jackie will have to help her.”

The women sat together
while their babies nursed. After a few minutes, Valerie looked at
Sandy and then at Jill.

“
How did you know?”
Valerie asked.

“
About being lonely?”
Sandy asked. “Because we’ve felt it.”

“
It’s just hormones
right?” Valerie asked.

“
I think hormones just
enhance our emotions,” Sandy said. “But they don’t create the
feelings.”

“
But why would I feel
lonely? There are people around all the time
and . . . ”

“
Because you had Jackie
inside you, inside your world, and all to yourself,” Jill said.
“And now she’s gone.”

“
I don’t think it’s as bad
for most women,” Sandy said. “And maybe it’s not for you. But Jill
and me . . . ”

“
Heather too.”

“
That’s right, Heather
felt this way too,” Sandy said. “We were crushed by loneliness.
Even with all that Saint Jude junk going on and being sick, I
missed Rachel, my baby,
my
secret friend.”

Valerie looked at
Jackie.

“
But I feel
so . . . much for . . . for her,”
Valerie said.

“
Sure,” Jill said. “But
she’s not . . . here.”

Jill touched the round mass
that was her belly now. Valerie nodded.

“
I think people don’t talk
about it because we feel like maybe it’s wrong to feel lonely,”
Sandy said.

“
So we just get
depressed,” Jill said.

“
I feel kind of
depressed,” Valerie said.

“
Sure,” Sandy
said.

“
Everyone says that’s
because you give so much and the baby doesn’t give back a lot now,”
Valerie said.

“
I know people say that,”
Sandy said. “And it’s true that it takes a while to get the
connection but . . . I can’t imagine getting more
from anyone than Rachel gives me right now.”

“
But . . . ” Valerie looked at Sandy and
then at Jill.

“
You have to open your
heart,” Jill said. “I think sometimes our babies live with us for
nine months to get our hearts ready for them.”

“
Some babies,” Sandy
smiled. “I believe Noelle and Nash lived in my heart until I found
them. But Rachel . . . ”

Sandy looked down at her
baby.

“
She was new.”

“
Try it,” Jill said.
“Imagine Jackie in your heart.”

Valerie looked at Jill and
Jill nodded. She closed her eyes for a moment.

“
She’s there!” Valerie’s
eyes popped open. “She’s already there! How did you
know?”

“
Been there,” Jill
smiled.

“
Done that,” Sandy
said.

Valerie laughed. Her
movement dislodged Jackie and the baby gave a hearty
shout.

“
Sorry,” Valerie tried to
get her to latch on. “Will you guys help me?”

Jill got up to
help.

“
Now imagine your love
going to Jackie and her love coming back to you,” Jill
said.

“
Like a giant circle,”
Sandy said. “In and out.”

“
I think it’s hard because
we’re not great at receiving love,” Jill said. “Or at least, I’m
not.”

“
Me neither,” Sandy
said.

Valerie smiled. She closed
her eyes and did what she was told. Out to Jackie. In from Jackie.
Feeling movement, she looked up. Sandy and Jill were watching her.
Rachel was done. She looked down at Jackie and she’d fallen asleep.
Valerie smiled.

“
Tomorrow night?” Sandy
asked.

“
It’s a date,” Valerie
said.

~~~~~~~~

Thursday early morning —
4:15 A.M.

Tanesha woke with a start.
Jeraine wasn’t in bed. She mentally ran through the evening. All of
the fuss and trouble of the afternoon had slipped away after seeing
the work progress at their wonderful new home. They’d had a good
time at the party. They’d laughed and danced. They’d come home and
made love. She’d fallen asleep happy.

She looked at the clock.
The white letters read 4:17. She’d gotten up around two to use the
toilet. He’d been sound asleep. She reached to touch his side of
the bed. It was still warm.

“
Jer?”

She threw off the covers
and went to look for him.

“
Jer?”

He wasn’t in the bathroom.
She went through the record hallway to the guest bedroom. He wasn’t
in there or in the den.

“
Jer?”

He wasn’t in the kitchen.
She wondered what nonsense he was up to now. She went past the
front door. The elevator was up on this floor, so it was unlikely
that he’d left the loft. Hearing a noise, she turned in
place.

She saw the back side of
the sliding glass door move into her view.

“
Jer?”

She ran down the hall,
through the open sliding glass door, and out on to the balcony.
Jeraine was standing next to the three foot high safety wall on the
edge.

“
Jer?”

He looked at her for a
moment and climbed onto the wall.

“
Jeraine Wilson,” Tanesha
said. “What the hell are you doing?”

“
Can’t do it, Miss T,” he
said. “Everything I’ve worked for, every God damned thing, is gone.
I worked all of my life and it’s gone. Singing lessons from the
time I was three. Song writing practice after school and all
summer, every summer.”

“
But . . . ” Her heart pounded against her
ribs. Her stomach jumped into her throat. She gasped for
breath.

“
I’ve worked all of my
life and it’s all gone,” he looked down at the street twenty floors
below.

“
Why are you like this?”
Tanesha asked.

“
Because this is who I
am,” Jeraine said. “I’m a rich guy who wears four carat diamonds in
my ears. I’m a guy who has any woman I want. I’m the guy who has
money, lots of money. That’s who I am. Why can’t you accept me as I
am?”

“
No,” Tanesha shook her
head. “That’s not you. You’re not that guy.”

“
You’re wrong,” he said.
“I am that guy! But now? Now, I’m the guy with brain damage. If you
hadn’t
made
me
quit the record company, everything would be fine. You
ruined
my
life.”

“
Please,” Tanesha took a
step forward. “Come down from there. We can talk about all of
this . . . ”

“
There’s nothing to talk
about,” he said. “It’s all gone. Everything I worked for is gone.
Everything I
cared
about is gone.”

“
What about me? What about
us?”

The words tumbled out of
her mouth. Nothing she said penetrated his rage.

“
Did you really think I’d
give it all up?” he asked. “All the things I worked so hard for? I
worked every day of my life for the money, the fame, the women, the
party! And I’m going to give it up? For what? For you?”

“
You weren’t
happy!”

“
I’m not happy now,” he
said.

He nodded to her, looked
straight ahead at the setting moon, and jumped.

“
Nooooooo!”

She ran to the wall and
looked over. His body seemed to hang in the air. She told herself
she was having a dream. This was a nightmare. In a moment, she’d
wake up and he’d be sound asleep next to her. They’d continue their
life together.

She opened her eyes and he
was still falling. She closed her eyes and made a wish.

“
Please God, I’ve never
asked you for anything. Please save him. Please God, he’s all I
ever wanted. I will work my whole life for you. I will never ask
for another thing. Ever. Please God. Please.”

She opened her eyes to
look. His broken body lay on the street below. Blood began to
stream from the back of his head. Frozen in rage, his face looked
up at her. A woman screamed and a police siren started somewhere in
the distance. Unable to tear her eyes away, she stared at the body
she loved so much. His shirt had blown up on his trip to the street
to reveal the tattoo around his belly button. As if he was mocking
her, the tattoo read “Forever Miss T.” There was a tiny red heart
in the middle of his round belly button but from this height she
could only see the words and the rage permanently etched on his
face.

She crumpled on the balcony
floor. She was too sick to cry and too distraught to be sick. She
felt an overwhelming numbness that she knew would live with her for
the rest of her life. She covered her ears with her hands against
his cruel words that repeated them in her head.

This was her
fault.

She’d ruined his
life.

He was happy before and
she’d messed it up.

He was that guy and she
couldn’t accept it.

It was her fault. It was
her fault. It was her fault. It was her fault.

She killed him. The only
man she’d ever loved. She killed him.

And finally the tears
came.

Her sorrow ripped through
the very core of her being and came out from her mouth in a low
moan. Clutching her knees, she rocked herself for comfort but
nothing seemed to soothe her pain.

From where she sat, she
heard the sounds of the street. An ambulance came and scraped her
lover’s body off the street. A television helicopter flew overhead.
The police cordoned off the neighborhood. And Tanesha cried until
there was not one drop of moisture left in her body.

“
Tanesha?”

She tried to open her eyes,
but they were swollen nearly shut. She could only see small slits
of daylight. She felt more than saw someone come toward
her.

“
Tanesha?”

She saw a man’s feet
standing in front of her. The man kneeled down. Not sure they were
real, she reached a hand out to touch the feet.

“
What are you doing out
here?”

Jeraine’s face appeared in
the slit of light. She closed her eyes and opened them again. He
was still there.

“
What are you doing out
here?” he repeated. “What happened?”

“
You jumped,” she tried to
say but all that came out was a vague croak.

“
Did you sleep walk?” he
asked. “God, T, you haven’t done that since we were
kids.”

She shook her
head.

“
Should I call Heather?
Jill? Maybe Sandy?”

Not wanting him to leave
her sight, she shook her head. He grabbed her arms and pulled her
to standing. Her knees were too weak to stand. She weaved. He held
her up.

“
Maybe I should call your
Gran?” he asked.

She shook her
head.

“
Do you need a
hospital?”

She shook her
head.

“
How about some
tea?”

She nodded.

“
I knew it,” he smiled.
“Girl, your tea addiction is off the chain.”

Expecting her to laugh, he
leaned back from her.

“
Ah well, it’s not that
funny,” he said.

He put one arm around her
and the other on her arm. Holding her up, he led her off the
balcony. They had just reached the sliding glass door when she
broke free. She ran to the safety wall and looked over. She
saw . . . 

Empty street.

A police cruiser blared
past with its siren on. A woman jogged by on the sidewalk below.
Tanesha looked at the mountains. It was daylight. Jeraine joined
her at the wall.

“
Are we jumping?” he
asked.