Gold in the Fire and Light in the Storm (14 page)

Panic took hold of her. She craned her neck to look into his eyes, so full of uncertainty. She opened her mouth to reply, couldn’t think of anything to say that made any sense, and snapped it closed.

“I want to see if we have a chance. Long-distance relationships are difficult at best. Won’t you consider moving back to Sweetwater?”

There was a part of her that wanted to shout yes, but her defenses, put there by years of trying to be the perfect person for her father and husband, silenced her. “This is so sudden.”

He kneeled and clasped her hands. “We’ve only begun to get to know each other. Don’t leave next week.”

“I need to pick up Sean. We can talk later. It’s not something that I can rush into.” So many emotions flew through her at the moment that she didn’t know what she was feeling. She was confused, adrift. Joshua teased her with what might be, but neither one was really ready for the future. She couldn’t afford that kind of risk. She had Sean to think about, not just herself.

He squeezed her hands, bringing them up to touch his chest where his heart lay beneath. “Come a little early to church on Sunday. We can talk then.” He rose, releasing her.

Sunday was only a few days away. How was she supposed to make that kind of decision in such a short time?
Stay and we’ll see if things work out.
Too risky.

She snatched up her purse and walked to the door. Her hand shook as she reached for the knob. Joshua gripped it at the same time she did and they touched. She pulled back, feeling burned, shocked by the electrical sensation streaking up her arm.

He had the ability to make her dream of more.

He had the ability to break her heart.

“Good night. The dinner was delicious.” She escaped through the open doorway before she did something she would regret. She couldn’t stay in Sweetwater, could she?

Perspiration drenched Darcy’s face and neck, stinging her eyes. Quickly she lifted an arm to wipe her forehead with the sleeve of her shirt, then immediately returned her hand to help soothe the pain and panic reflected in Moonstruck’s eyes, big and brown and dilated.

“You’ll be all right, girl,” Darcy whispered near the mare’s ear. She wished she believed those words, but she felt dread. Moonstruck was one of her favorite horses at Shamrock Stables.

The mare tried to get up, but Darcy held her down while she looked back at the vet who was slowly pulling the foal from Moonstruck. Darcy brushed back damp strands of hair from her face, her gaze still trained on the vet while he attended the limp form of the foal, its glistening body barely moving.

Her worry intensified. She’d seen too much death in the past year. She felt as though a part of her was slipping away too.
This foal has to live! Please, dear Lord, breathe life into him.

An hour later Darcy walked from the stall in the barn totally exhausted, glad that she hadn’t gotten her son up for the birth as she had promised. Too many things had gone wrong from the beginning. She’d known Moonstruck would have a difficult time and she’d wanted to protect Sean from the sad reality that some foals die.

Outside she paused in the early morning and kneaded the side of her neck and shoulder, but her muscles had been coiled so tightly from the past few hours that mas
sage did little to relieve her tension. The hot August air blasted her even though dawn had barely painted the sky with its pinks and oranges. The stifling humidity pressed in on her as she inhaled deeply, releasing the breath on a long sigh. The odors of hay, leather and horses laced the heated air, the familiar smells a reminder that her duty here would be ending when she left in a few days.

Arching her back, Darcy rolled her shoulders. She looked toward the main house but couldn’t bring herself to take the first step toward it, to inform her father that they had lost a foal. Instead, she allowed her gaze to travel over the yard again, noting with satisfaction that the grooms were beginning their daily chores.

This was her home, her heritage. Could she move back to the farm and see where her relationship with Joshua would lead? He offered no promises, but he wanted to give them a chance. What did
she
want?

God give me a sign. Help me to decide what is best for everyone.

Fatigue urged her forward with leaden steps. She had to speak with her father before getting ready for church. He didn’t like surprises, and she hadn’t informed him that Moonstruck went into labor a little early. He’d been working so hard lately that she hadn’t wanted him to miss his sleep, especially when she had discovered the foal was breech. As with Sean, she had wanted to protect her father for as long as she could.

Pushing open the back door, Darcy strode through the kitchen toward the dining room, briefly greeting
Lizzy who was starting breakfast. The scent of coffee filled the air, prodding Darcy toward the pot set near her father at the long table.

“Where have you been?” Her father brought his cup to his mouth and drank.

Darcy poured herself some coffee and sank into the chair nearby. “At the barn.” She sucked in a fortifying breath and continued. “Moonstruck delivered her foal early this morning.”

Her father put down his cup, a storm beginning to brew in the depths of his eyes. “Why didn’t you come get me? Everything okay?”

Darcy shook her head. “We lost the foal. The vet said Moonstruck is fine, though.”

Shamus shot to his feet, nearly toppling his chair. “And you didn’t think I should have been there?” Anger marked his features and his words.

Slowly, because her legs trembled, Darcy stood. “No, I thought you needed your sleep more. There was nothing you could do that the vet or I didn’t do. Dad, you may have forgotten, but I haven’t. You had a heart attack two months ago. I came home to help relieve the stress and workload for you so you could fully recover. If you hadn’t wanted me to manage the farm, then why did you agree to me coming back?”

Her father blinked as though her words had caught him by surprise. “Every birth is important.”

“Yes, I know that, but you don’t have to be at every one of them.”

He drew himself up tall. “I always have been.”

“You haven’t really changed, have you?” Had she been fooling herself into believing she and her father could get along and run the farm together?

“You have. You never used to speak to me like this.”

“Tell you what I’m feeling, what I think? No, I guess I didn’t.” Tired, disappointed, she grabbed for the cup to take it with her. “I’m going to get dressed. I have a Sunday school class to teach and a son to inform about the foal.”

Darcy walked ahead of Sean, her father and Lizzy toward the church. She’d told Joshua she would come early so they could talk, but the last thing she felt like doing was having a serious discussion about her future, especially after her talk with Sean about Moonstruck and the foal. Her mind felt like mush and her body wasn’t doing much better. Losing a foal on top of a night’s sleep could do that to a person.

Maybe seeing Joshua’s handsome face would cheer her up. She lengthened her strides toward the last classroom down the long hall.

“You will not believe the morning I’ve—” Darcy’s words died on her lips as she entered the room.

Standing several feet apart were Joshua and Carol. She held a baby in her arms, patting him on his back, while Joshua scowled, his hands balled at his sides.

Darcy wished she could snatch her words back and silently exit the room before either one knew she had come in. No such luck. They both turned their attention
toward her. The anguish she saw in Joshua’s eyes made her own emotions swell inside her and threaten to choke off her next breath. In that moment she knew that she would never settle for anything less than having all of a man. She had settled all her life. She would not do that again. If Joshua wasn’t over Carol, then how could they see where their relationship was heading?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I’ll come back in fifteen minutes when the class begins.” Darcy started to back out of the room.

“Don’t leave. Carol’s leaving. The nursery has been moved to the third room on the left.”

“Thanks, Joshua. I appreciate the help.” Carol glanced toward her. “You’re Darcy O’Brien.”

Darcy nodded, even though the woman hadn’t asked a question.

“I was several years behind you in school. Are you home for good or taking a vacation?”

“Vacation. Leaving in a few days.” Beneath the woman’s polite tone, Darcy sensed a whole bunch of questions—the first being, what was her relationship to Joshua?

“It’s nice to see you again.”

When Carol disappeared through the doorway, the silence pulsated with suppressed emotions, the air churning with feelings usually banked. Anger surged in her.
How could he make me fall in love with him when he still loves Carol?
Quickly that emotion slipped away to be replaced with relief. She’d discovered his true feelings before she had committed to staying.

“It isn’t what you think.”

“And what do I think?”

“I am over Carol.” He pronounced each word slowly to emphasize the meaning.

“Are you? Maybe you didn’t catch your expression in that mirror over there—” she flipped her hand toward the far wall “—but I was lucky enough to get the full effect from where I’m standing.
You are not over her
.”

“C
arol came in here to tell me she was rejoining this church. She didn’t want me to find out by surprise.” Joshua eased his hands open and crossed his arms over his chest.

“How nice of her.” Darcy felt the muscles in her face lock into a smile that she knew wasn’t really a smile.

“My strange look was probably because she had just asked me if I wanted to hold her son. Her question threw me off guard.”

“I think her whole visit threw you off guard.”

He drew in a deep breath. “I won’t deny that seeing her with her child bothered me. It did. We had planned to have a family. I want children.”

And you should have children,
she thought. Exhaustion still clung to her as though it were a part of her. Her only desire at the moment was to sit and do nothing. But stiffness spread throughout her body.

Uncrossing his arms, he started toward her, limping.

“What’s wrong?” Darcy asked, fighting the urge to back away. If he came near her, she would break down. She wanted to be a part of his life, but the encounter with Carol only emphasized the risks involved. Was she willing to take them?

“It’s nothing.” He waved away her concern. “There was a fire yesterday. Had some problems getting out of the house in time.”

Nothing?
She remembered her own close brush with a fire and knew the dangers personally. Fighting fires was a dangerous job, as her husband’s had been.

Joshua clasped her upper arms, keeping a foot between them. “Listen, Darcy. Carol’s in my past.”

“So her and her family coming to this church each week won’t bother you.”

“I’m getting used to the idea. Remember, I’ve known she was planning to return for the past month. We won’t be best friends, but I’m working on forgiving her.”

“You haven’t forgiven her?” His fingers burned into her skin.

“Honestly? No.”

His admission underscored what she had known. It also confirmed that they couldn’t have a future—at least not now. She wrenched herself free and put several feet between them.

“Seeing her son brought back all the plans and dreams I’d had. It’s not always that easy to let go of that.”

“Then how can you move on?”

“Stay and help me to. Take a risk, Darcy.”

She shook her head, backing away some more. “I’m not one of your strays.”

“I believe I know the difference between you and one of my strays.”

“I can’t stay. I can’t do that to myself and Sean. I just can’t.”

Tears rose within, clogging her throat and misting her eyes. She wanted to flee, but at that very moment some of the children began to file into the room. She was trapped for the next forty-five minutes.

With his hands behind his back, Nate stopped in front of her. “Mrs. O’Brien, we sure are gonna miss you.” He brought his arm around and presented her with a small bouquet of flowers, obviously picked from Jesse’s garden.

Tears continued to gather in her eyes as each child gave her a token of their appreciation. Her son appeared last with a card signed by all the kids and a declaration that they were going to have a farewell party for her.

“You kept this a secret?” Darcy asked Sean as several parents brought in some lemonade and a chocolate cake.

“Yep.” He puffed out his chest.

“This from the boy who makes me a present weeks before my birthday and gives it to me right away because he can’t wait?”

Squaring his shoulders, he said, “This was different. I would have spoiled the surprise for everyone here if I had said something to you.”

Her son was definitely growing up, and partially because of the influence of Joshua and her father. “Well, I’m
impressed.” She gave Sean a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which immediately caused him to screw up his face as though it wasn’t something a boy of eight should get from his mother in front of a whole room full of his friends.

After a short devotional, Joshua stood before the circle of children and said to Darcy and Sean, “We wanted to show you how much we will miss both of you when you leave this week. The party is a small token of our appreciation for your filling in this summer.”

“Speech. Speech,” Nate called out from the back row.

Darcy moved to stand next to Joshua. “Nate Bradshaw, did your mother put you up to this?”

He nodded.

“I should have known. She knows how embarrassed I get when I have to say something in front of a crowd.”
Just like Joshua,
Darcy thought with surprise.

“But you talked all summer when you taught us our lessons.”

“Good point, Nate.” Darcy cleared her throat, trying to keep her emotions in check. More than anything she wished she’d gotten a good night’s sleep. Too many feelings were tangled up inside and so many were centered on the man next to her. All she had to do was move her arm a little and she could touch him—perhaps for the last time. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

“This means a lot to me.” She gestured toward the table with her many gifts, mostly homemade and thus more endearing than store-bought ones. “I don’t know what to say.”

“How about telling us when you are coming back?” Brad Anderson asked.

“Yes, when?” Joshua asked, his gaze ensnaring hers.

“Christmas. Mom promised me we would come,” Sean piped in, for which Darcy was thankful.

She didn’t know if she could speak without her voice cracking. Through her misting eyes she took in all sixteen children, their faces turned toward her, their expressions, like their gifts, endearing.

“Why don’t you stay?” Nate called out.

Darcy decided she needed to have a conversation with Jesse about her son asking questions he shouldn’t. “My job is in Panama City,” she offered, the reason suddenly sounding lame to her. A tear coursed down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away.

Why couldn’t life be simpler? Why did emotions and the past have to interfere? Why couldn’t Joshua love her with no strings attached? What was she afraid of? Questions bombarded her, making it difficult to keep control of her emotions. She turned away and swiped at her cheeks as the tears continued to roll down her face.

“We didn’t mean to make you cry,” Crystal said, wheeling herself into the room. “Sorry I’m late.”

With one last brush across her cheek, Darcy spun toward Crystal, who stopped a few feet from her. She picked up a framed picture from her lap and handed it to Darcy.

She took it, her hand shaking. In the frame was a photo of her, Joshua, Sean and Crystal after they had completed the construction of the ramp. Everyone had
big smiles as they showed off the product of their labor. She stared at Joshua in the picture with his tool belt around his waist and his arms about her and Sean. She and Joshua had laughed over the way the tool belt had slipped down low on her hips; if she had tried to move it would have slid completely off her. The photo would always remind her of a precious moment.

“Thank you, Crystal.”

“No, thank you for the ramp and—” the child’s voice faded while she dropped her head and whispered “—for my mom.”

Darcy hugged Crystal. “You’re welcome.” When she stepped back from the girl, Darcy saw Tanya enter the room and wave to her. Who would be here for Tanya if she needed help? That question tugged at Darcy, making her decide to ask Lizzy to watch out for the woman.

The rest of the party went slowly. Darcy ate two pieces of cake and tried to laugh and smile, but inside she felt as though a part of her had died that morning. Her hopes? Her dreams? She wasn’t sure, except that she felt empty. By the time the children had left to attend the service, all Darcy wanted to do was collapse into the nearest chair and lay her head down to rest. But first she needed to finish her conversation with Joshua.

After Sean had raced from the room with Nate, Darcy faced Joshua, who was throwing away the used paper plates. “We need to talk.”

He jerked to his full height and swung around to stab her with his gaze. “No, we don’t. I think we said all we
should say. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m reading one of the lessons today in church and I need to go over the material before it starts.” He walked toward the door, his strides long and purposeful.

Darcy watched him disappear out into the hallway. He wanted her to stay but couldn’t offer her any guarantees. Yes, she had friends and family in Sweetwater. But what if she came home and Joshua couldn’t move on in his life? How could she see him and not have her heart break each time? It was better to put this summer behind her and go back to Panama City. She knew what she wanted now—at least she had learned that much this summer.

Then why wasn’t she happier about her decision?

On Wednesday, the quiet of the sanctuary soothed Joshua as he sat in the back pew, his hands folded in his lap. Was he going to let Carol continue to rule his life? He had wanted so desperately last Sunday morning to declare to Darcy that he’d completely forgiven Carol for walking out on him and marrying another. But he couldn’t lie to Darcy no matter how much he wanted her to stay in Sweetwater. Lies were not what he would base a relationship on with a woman, especially someone as special as Darcy.

Lord, I need help. How do I begin to forgive someone who hurt me so badly? What is wrong with me? I’ve never had this problem before
.

“Joshua?” Reverend Collins stood behind him, a worried expression on his face.

“I’ll close up if you need to go home.”

“That’s all right. I normally don’t bother anyone when they are in here, but something tells me you need to talk.”

Joshua felt the weight of his inability to forgive press him down. His shoulders sagged. “Yes.”

The reverend came and sat beside him in the pew. “What’s bothering you? Darcy leaving?”

“That’s part of it. I want her to stay, but I don’t have the right to ask her to.”

“Why not? I’ve seen how you two are together. I think you need each other.”

“Because I’m still harboring ill feelings toward Carol. Darcy doesn’t think I’ve moved on and she doesn’t want to risk staying, with Carol still an issue in my life.”

“Oh.” The reverend was silent for a few moments, then asked, “Why haven’t you forgiven Carol?”

That was a good question. Joshua wasn’t sure he could answer it. Since she had left him at the altar, he had tried not to think about what could have been. He had pushed his emotions into the background, refusing even to examine them. Now Darcy was forcing him to take a good hard look at his feelings concerning Carol, concerning Darcy.

“Is it your male pride speaking?”

Joshua shrugged. “That could be some of it.”

“You know the verse from Proverbs—pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

“Yes, and I’m working on it. I think I would have been all right if I hadn’t been waiting for her in church
in front of the whole congregation. I remembered their pitying glances for months afterwards. There had to be a better way to break the news to me.”

“But that’s not all?”

Plowing his fingers through his hair, Joshua frowned, staring at the back of the pew in front of him. “No. I’ve wanted a family for as long as I can remember. I was an only child and always said I would have a house full of children when I got married. Carol slept with another man, got pregnant by him when she was engaged to me. She had
his
child—not mine.”

“What if Carol had married you, pregnant with another man’s child? How would you have felt then?”

Joshua dropped his head. “Worse.”

“Then Carol did the right thing by calling it off before you two got married. She only found out about the baby a few days before the wedding. She agonized over what to do.”

“But she slept with Kyle.”

“Yes, she made a terrible mistake and she had to face the consequences. After all, she’s only human—just as we all are.”

“And like Carol, I’ve made my share of mistakes?”

“Right. Think of all the mistakes God has forgiven you. Can you not forgive Carol this one mistake?” Reverend Collins rose. “I have some work to do in my office. Stay as long as you want.”

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath
forgiven you
.” The verse from Ephesians 4:32 popped into Joshua’s mind. He knew what he must do.

Joshua marched up the steps to the front door and rang the bell. Taking a deep breath he squared his shoulders. A week ago he wouldn’t even have considered doing this. Now it felt so right, he wondered why he had waited so long.

The door swung open. The woman framed in the entrance gasped.

“I know I’m probably the last person you expected to show up at your house, but may I come in?” Joshua asked, a calmness descending as if his past had been washed away.

“I just put Paul down for a nap.” Carol stood to the side to allow Joshua inside. “What brings you by?”

Joshua walked into the living room where everything was in its place. Too sterile and neat for his taste, he thought as he turned to face the woman to whom he had once been engaged. “I needed to see you. I wasn’t very inviting the other day at church, and I was wrong.”

“I shouldn’t have surprised you last Sunday.”

“I knew you were thinking of returning to Sweetwater Community Church.” He shook his head. “Until I did some soul searching, I was angry with you for the way you ended our engagement.”

Her hands clasped in front of her, Carol averted her gaze. “I didn’t handle that very well. I’m so sorry, Joshua. I had just found out I was pregnant and I knew
you weren’t the father. I seriously thought about going through with our wedding, but in the end I couldn’t do that to you. That would have been worse than not showing up for our wedding.”

“I’m the one who is sorry. I know you didn’t ask me to, but I wanted to tell you I forgive you, Carol.”

Her look flew back to his face. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because until I make amends with our situation, I can’t really move on. I’m glad you’re returning to the church. I know how much you enjoyed attending and I know you left because of me.”

Her eyes clouded with tears; her hands twisted together. “I wasn’t sure anyone would welcome me back, but last week no one said anything.”