Gold Raven (65 page)

As he had greedily suckled, hurting as he tugged at her nipple; she
stroked his perfectly round head and promised him through her tears,
"I will not love you. Do you understand? I will not have my heart
torn from my body once more when the time comes for you to be somehow,
taken away from me. Besides, I have no love left to give. I will feed
you from my body only until you are able to eat on your own. When that time comes, you are on your own. Whether you eat or not,
is up to you.
^”

Leaning her head back, she wondered at her sanity back then. Amazed that she somehow saw doing him that way would relieve her from future suffering. She turned her head towards the door and was
startled to almost screaming to find him standing there. With her attention towards him, he slowly, quietly entered h
er room.

Watching him quietly approach, her eyes met his as he stopped
beside her bed, where he knelt staring up at her. She swallowed back
her panic and fear as the memory of that time, his birth faded
from her mind. Staring down at him in the soft light of her room, she
sat in wonder for the handsome young man he was growing into.
Their babies had all been so handsome and beautiful.
'Look at our son
Manny, he too you would be so proud of if you knew him.'
He looked like
neither her nor Manny. This son of his, this child... was a true descendant of Royal Sun, his grandmother, and of her brother,
Catamon. His looks were extraordinary and striking; his young body, muscular, very much the way Catamon was as a young man. His eyes
however, were those of his grandmother Royal, inheriting the color of
her hair. She imagined if Royal and Catamon had had
a child, Rory would be the result. As she stared at him, she
wondered how he had managed to arrive home without her knowing. Also what had provoked his sudden need to come quietly into her room?
Why did he now kneel beside her bed staring at her so quizzically?
Finally, he spoke quietly to her.

"The man who sired me
_,
did he rape you Lena? Is that why you
hate me so much?"

The question came at her like a shove in the dark. His voice had a
certain tremble in it as if trying to control the cracking in it. She sat
forward bringing her knees up to lean on them, sitting in total
disbelief. She had kept him at a distance so long, that now she
struggled to communicate with him on a level that would work, with
the distance that stood between them. She realized that her son was a
stranger to her and no doubt, she was a stranger to him.

He had
come to her with sincerity, it was time
now to bridge the gap between them, but the past...
his father, all of that... was too much for her to share with him. False
hope, filled to the brim, occupied that part of her life in the past...
she was determined to leave that behind. It was just the two of them
now.

"Well, did he?" He implored in a shaky voice.

"How long have you been home?" She asked him, instead of
answering his question, unsure of how to now.

"Not long."

"Oh." Was her reply; wondering what had made him ask such a
question? To be digging about his father after all that time? She couldn't go back to that, she couldn't discuss Manny, after all that
time, she still became ill when giving too much thought of him.

"Are you going to answer my question?"

"Why would you ask me such a thing as that?"

"Why do you think? Just answer me please; do you hate me
because he raped you? Forced himself and a child on you and you
didn't want him or it...me."

"I don't hate you, Rory." She stated passionately.

He ignored that, "Just answer the question...did he rape you?"

"No Rory, he did not rape me, he - he-..." She could not finish
it. She would not rehash memories of that kind to him. She could not
give him hope in someone that would never be in their lives. The
lesson she had learned, had come at a heavy price the hard way. She
had been so sure of what she and Rory's father had shared between
each other; she had tried to have faith in him and what he had been
trying to do.
Yet, for believing in him, she had lost her daughter, Hope. Even
though Manny swore his devotion to her, perhaps in her absence, his
wife had finally won him over. Lena once believed that nothing could
come between them, not even time; she shook her head at such
foolish thinking. For all she knew, they might have children of their own now. Maybe that's why he never responded to the messages she tried to get to him. It was best she not waste any more time on hopes
of that magnitude, it was too late to go back now.

She needed to focus on her son, because maybe, for them... it
was not too late. Thoughts of Manny and their past plans together,
did exactly what she fought so hard to avoid, the re-awakening of all
the hurt, pain and disappointment.

The very reason she could never
be so cruel as to plant such seeds of hope in their son. He didn't
know of that part of her life and she would never share it - to watch
him struggle with the disillusionment of what could never be would
hurt her all over again, him too. How often had she seen her son
Michael struggle with the same empty hopes? Her stomach cramped
at the thought of him. So began the horror of remembering, one thought leading to another and one memory leading to the next...
she could not endure it, Lena shut it down.

"He what?" Rory asked again, snapping her back. She looked at
him shaking her head slightly, he so wanted to know, but Lena
thought of what had happened when she had told Hope of her father, she had gone after him. If he knew, he too would head out to search
for him, and then — she would lose him as she had her. All things
considered, it was better that he not know, she must keep all
knowledge of Manny from him and in her past.

"Don't do this to me. Don't close up on me! If he didn't rape you, then what did he do? Tell me! I need to know! Who is my father!?"
He pleaded.

"Rory don't. It doesn't matter who he is. He could never be a
part of your life. You can never know him, he's of the past, leave
him there - you are better off"

"Better off how? With you?!" He blasted, leaping from the floor
breathing hard and angry. "No! You tell me who he is! I have a right
to know who my father is! You can't keep that from me!" He
demanded, huffing and puffing, so angry his eyes watered, his nostrils
flared as his chest swelled and deflated with his harsh breathing.

Lena stood staring at him, feeling his obvious pain.

"It's late, you have school tomorrow. I think you should go to bed
now."

"Tell me who he is?!" He shouted at her.

"You keep your voice down!" She hissed low.

"Then answer me, I want to know." He hissed in the same pitch.

"No, trust me, it's best you not know."

"Trust you?! You don't give a damn about me...why trust you!"
Angry tears rolled.
"You will not use such lang-..."

"You are mean...and hateful...and cruel...I demand to know
who-..."

"I am you mother! You will demand nothing of me!"

"Oh please,
spare me. My - mother," He spat the title disdainfully,
his tone hostile and bitter. "We both know how you resent it, being
my mother. So leave off reminding me, as you often do yourself!"

Lena's heart hammered with such intensity she thought it would
explode with regret and shame. Just as she had discovered a need to make things new between them, his father now stood in the way.
Fighting back tears of anguish, she faced the fact that it might just be
too late to mend the rift between them. His bitterness and hurt ran
too deep.

"Why can't you just drop the subject of him, knowledge of him
will get you
no where." She tried to soften her tone and reason with
him.

"So you refuse to tell me? You absolutely refuse?"

Lena caught her bottom lip between her teeth, nervously nibbling on it while her
body shivered. "Yes, I refuse."

Exploding with rage, he roared, “Damn you then! You hear me?! Damn you to hell
, if you can keep my father from me!!!"

Lena's head shook feeling a hysterical laughter roll up through
her.

"Hell?!! You damn me to hell!? Pick another place my
son, because hell, I know it well! I stand before you now - back from hell." She fought for her next breath feeling her heart break
once again; she was no longer sad, but angry. "Don't - you - ever! Ever! Use that tone with me again! I don't care how angry you
are, how hurt you are. You will never speak that way to me again. Whether you like it or not, whether you
think I -
like it or not. I am
still - your mother! Careful - that you do not push me too far." She
warned. He swallowed a small spark of fear in the face of her anger, rarely
ever having experienced it. In the past, she’d never cared enough or felt
enough one way or the other to display any emotion that made him
think she had any feeling at all. Yet, he mustered the courage needed
to apologize, albeit sarcastically.

"Oh my that is true isn't it? You are my mother. How awful of
me to forget. May I humbly beg your pardon Ms Lena, what a
cursed wretch I am." He swept her a grand bow, as if before a queen,
then stood his full height and stated with narrowed eyes, "I see the truth of it now. I see the truth."

Lena shook as she stood trying to control her anger, never had
she known such insolence from a child. She was trapped with all of
his hostile ugliness and no way that she could see, to dispel his
aggression towards her.

"It seems that there is only one true explanation for this refusal to
give me what I ask."

"That is?" She
enquired through a clenched jaw.

"You won't tell me, because you don't know. Perhaps dear –
mother -
you were once the
whore,
of - many?"

He didn't see her arm swing out to slap his face so hard, it
knocked him sideways with his right ear ringing, his face burning
from a blow that wrenched his head while hurting his neck. Slowly,
stunned, he turned back to look at her, to show that his nose ran with
blood. Backing away from her, he turned and ran from the room, snatching the door open so hard it banged against the inner wall,
swinging slowly black on its hinges.

Lena stood with her hand throbbing from the blow, because yes, it had been hard, very hard, and yet, her heart
ached far more than her hand. Backing up she encountered her bed and sat there staring to where her son had just exited. In misery, her
hands rose to grab her hair as she slowly sank onto her back.
"Ohhh God!" She moaned. "I've made a mess, such a mess. How
much more must I take? Was loving him, really so wrong that I must
pay for it the rest of my life? Was it so wrong? Please God don't tell
me loving him was wrong." She rolled to her side, lying still...until
her shoulders began to shake, and she once again, fell into a long cry,
confessing as she did. "I fear God; all prayers to you are in vain. If
you think my love for him should not have been, then you are
blocking my supplications to you. Know this as well, I will suffer
until the day that I die ... because I will love him, that long."

After a while, she climbed underneath her covers and laid her
head on her pillow, sniffling as she peered out of her window.

She could see the moon from where she lay, speaking to herself, as well the God she sometimes doubted, she
asked for something she knew might not be given. "My son ... I ask
that you please, give me back my son. The one I once claimed as a
curse. I will not ask you for the others, because I know they are lost
forever from me."

Her eyes welled with tears, never feeling a let up from their loss.

"You left me with one and I pushed him away. I'm sorry...do
you hear me." She whispered painfully. "I'm sorry...please forgive
me. Help him - to forgive me. That's all I ask, that's all."

She reached up wiping the silent tears that flowed. Closing her
eyes, she tried to force sleep to come, but an hour rolled by and still
no slumber. Her eyes slowly opened, she stood from her bed and
walked to her window, looking out at the night sky.

"Heavenly father, it's me again. I couldn't sleep. I can't help it. I
really can't, I've tried, but it won't go away. You know what I'm going to ask, don't you. You know..." Her forehead fell softly
against the glass of the window.
"Manny - can you please... please... ple-e-ease, bring
Manny to me. He can fix this, then you wouldn’t have to, just bring him ... bring me Manny."

* * *

"Mr. Webster, all I can tell you is what he told us. It was a miracle
that he even survived the ordeal. He wouldn't have if a bounty hunter
by the name of Granger hadn't come across them. One minute he
said they were traveling along peacefully, and the next, from the trees
came, a swarm of Indians that attacked him and his men. Leaving
only a few staked out to suffer the remainder of their lives until death
be their end. Two died shortly after the attack, leaving Hercog and
Wilcox alive. The women and children were taken by the Indians."
Sergeant Kramer finished, as Manny, Mike and Leon sat before his
desk.
Afraid that maybe the militiamen went to fort
Springs,
Manny and
those with him first went to Fort Springs to make sure Hope was not
there. During the short stop there, Manny and Mike also had the
misfortune of encountering his old ex-overseer, Kevin Dobbs, who was a staff sergeant there. They learned this as Leon walked up to
them with Dobbs standing in the distance staring hostilely their way.

The three men held onto their personal opinions concerning him,
which were well founded, since he was still as nasty as ever, if not
more so. Manny was forced to exercise a great deal of restraint when he so boldly spoke to them.
"Well I will be damned! If it ain't my old boss. Fancy meeting you
here, see you got your nigger bastard back too. That is him ain't it? I
figure so, he look e’nuff like yah. And Leon...boy look at you, if you
ain't one dandified nigger. You always did have a thing fo'yo'niggers
didn't yah? Ain't changed at all." Mike, to his disbelief, actually had to
assist Leon in keeping his father back from attacking him.

"Let'em go...cause this ain't, Webster Fields big man. No sir it
ain't." Dobbs warned with narrowed eyes. With all lost to them and
all they still needed to obtain, little effort went into the decision of leaving the fort, without much inquiry they found that no small troop
of men came to the fort with or without women prisoners. However,
their leave was not without the taunting of Dobbs.