Gone Fishin' (15 page)

‘Then why you cain’t even talk?’

‘Ain’t got nuthin t’say, that’s all.’

‘Yeah.
I know.’ He stared at me for a moment, then went on, ‘Easy,
I want you t’take that money. It’s yours an’ it
would be a insult t’me if you leave it lyin’ there
fo’Otum t’take.’

I said, ‘Where you get that money?’

‘Fount it.’

‘Fount it where?’

‘Out
t’Reese’s place. I mean he got a will say ev’rything
go to Navrochet. But you know he owed me sumpin’ so I just look
at it like this here money I got is mines.’

‘How
much was it?’

He pointed
to the envelope. ‘That there’s just a piece of it.’

I was
quiet again.

‘You
wanna know what happened, huh?’ He was grinning at me.

‘I
don’t wanna know nuthin’.’

‘Yeah
you do. You think I did sumpin’ wrong, don’t you? You
think I murdered Reese, don’t you?’

Mouse sat
back and put his foot on the dash. He was getting ready to tell me
another story, but I had lost my love of his tales.

‘Ya
see, Ease, it started wit’ Clifton. I knew he could he’p
convince Reese about gettin’ up offa that money an’ I
also knew that Ernestine was young enough and wild enough an’
she like Jo enough that she might give Dom a li’l pussy. You
know Dom could use some’a that. So I went an’ tole Big
Jim ‘bout what I knew ‘bout Clifton.’

‘You
tole the law?’

‘Yeah,
I can’t be lyin’ ‘round Jo ‘cause she so good
she even got me. Anyway Clifton did beat that boy so it ain’t
like I was lyin’ t’Jim. Only I didn’t tell Jim
where Clifton was. Ya see, I’as givin’ him a chance.’

‘Uh-huh!’

‘I
had Clifton buried out in the woods at night while I was layin’
up wit’ Theresa. I tole him that I was watchin’ for Jim.
Clifton was so scared that he couldn’t even sleep. He’da
done anything I said. So I warned ‘im that Big Jim was gonna
get’im sooner or later unless he got far away, an’ then I
tole him bout Reese’s money.

‘Ya
see, I figgered we’d rob Reese, it was my due anyway. An’
Clifton went along wit’ it after some convincin’. I give
Clifton a shotgun I borrowed from Sweet William. I tole Reese Clifton
was a killer an’ we was gonna have it. He was a mess, Easy. He
smelled from garlic, I guess he thought that would save him from
voodoo. It was pitiful.’ There was glee in Mouse’s voice.
‘But I was gonna have that money. We put’im in that
bamboo basket an’ told’im we was gonna shoot’im
‘less he climb outta there an’ show us to the money.’

Mouse was
savouring every moment of the torture. He really believed that he
hadn’t done anything wrong.

‘But
then that fool Clifton had to grab me an’ th’ow off my
kick. If you’d hadn’ta run Reese down I’d be dead
now. Shit. I’m lucky my gun landed near Clifton, ‘cause
you know Reese woulda beat me t’death with that shotgun.’

‘An’
then you fount the money?’ I asked.

‘Yeah.’
Mouse was staring out over the panorama of his brilliant future. He
saw black-and-white dice through glasses of amber whiskey. He saw
EttaMae in cashmere and silk. Somewhere there were children calling
out, ‘Daddy.’ And all the while Reese lay in the ground,
turning to sludge.

‘If
you fount that money when he was dead, then why couldn’t you
have fount it when he was packed in that box?’

Mouse laid those cold eyes on me.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘You right.’

‘And I don’t believe it, Raymond.’

‘You’ont believe what?’

‘I
don’t believe that Clifton shot Reese. That boy had his hands
full tryin’ t’hold his guts in.’

It was
like I had forgotten who I was, and where I was; and who I was with.
Maybe it was because I had a full stomach and I sat behind the wheel
of a nice car. Maybe it was all that money up on the dashboard.

For a
moment there I thought that the truth was more important than the
need to survive.

Mouse
winced and nodded. I realised that I had caught him in a lie.

‘You
right,’ he said again.

I turned
away from his cold stare only to see the red blood of a fat bug smear
across the windshield.

‘An’
that’s why I need ya t’take this here money, Ease.’
He pointed at the envelope again. ‘Because you the on’y
one got my confidence. You the on’y one know why I come down
here an’ you the on’y one know what happened. If you
don’t take that money then I know you against me.’ He
looked at me with a plain face.

But this
time that face wasn’t hiding laughter. His voice was the
whisper of death, the slither of a snake over the nape of my neck.

Death had
always been a part of my life. He lived in my neighbourhood, in my
apartment building, right next door to me. But I’d never
worried about him coming knocking. I was innocent and I knew that I
would live forever.

But at
that moment I realised that the wrong words would cut my life down to
seconds or, at the most, just a few days. And I also knew that
whatever I said would be my first words as a man in this world.

I reached
out for the bundle and said, ‘Thanks, Ray.’

Mouse
laughed and slapped my knee.

I had
survived again. I had risked my life to save Clifton only to fail.
But I had survived that failure. I was following in my father’s
fleet footsteps: standing up when I couldn’t take any more and
then running to fight another day.

Mouse
started telling me how hungry Theresa was for love. I didn’t
care.

When we
saw Houston in the distance Mouse said, ‘You know, Easy, when I
was standin’ there listenin’ t’Peters preach,
somethin’ touched me, I don’t know if it was God or the
devil or what, but it felt like all the pain and fear I ever known
was gone. I been scared’a Reese day and night for my whole life
and now he’s dead.’ A smile of pure joy spread across his
face; tears sprouted from his eyes. ‘An’ I’ma be
married and Fma be happy fo’ the rest’a my years.’

Back in
those days rent was two dollars a week and you could eat your fill on
a quarter a day. I had three hundred dollars; I could’ve lived
for more than a year on that.

But I
wasn’t careful. I bought a quart bottle of bourbon every other
day and sat in that room, stinking and drinking. Most of the time I
was too drunk to worry about it. But late at night the demons would
come at me.

I was a
part of the murder of a man’s father. Me, Ezekiel Rawlins, the
man who worried after his own father for years. It’s not that I
cared for Reese but murder is a sin that burns your soul.

And to
help a man murder his father…

People
came to my door but I didn’t answer it. They’d knock and
call my name but I’d lie in the bed and bite my pillow. I’d
shut my eyes tight against the sound and finally they’d leave.

Mouse
would come to the door and call me. He’d rattle the doorknob
and bang away. He talked to me as if he believed I was in, but I
didn’t answer him. Our business was over with. There was
nothing left to say.

Even
today, six years later, I feel guilt and fear. The same fear I had
when I thought my father knew everything that I did wrong; every
thought that I thought wrong.

How could
I have known? I asked myself.

How can
anyone hold me responsible for the death of that man and that boy?

But then
I’d think of standing there with Miss Alexander looking down on
that wasted frame of flesh on brittle bones. A man who I helped to
torment; a man whose murder goes unavenged.

I was
unworthy. In my misery I told myself that that was why my own father
never came back for me.

My mother
was a churchgoer but I never had much use for it. Just as soon as I
was old enough to hold back I fought with her on Sunday mornings so I
could go out exploring the country and see my friends.

On Sundays
my friend Holly, short for Hollister, and I would go to Tyler’s
place out John Street because on Sunday mornings Lucy Jennings, the
whore, would be there entertaining all of the husbands who got out of
going to church. We hid in the bushes outside of her window and
watched. I remember holding my breath when Robert Green would stand
in front of her with his thing standing straight out; it was so big
that we couldn’t believe it - Lucy told him that it was the
most beautiful one she had ever seen… When I got home I felt guilty
but I couldn’t tell my mother about it, it was so dirty and
depraved.

I couldn’t
tell anyone about Reese and Clifton either.

For the
first time I thought about God. I wondered if he’d forgive me
like Reverend Peters said. But I didn’t see how he could. I
wasn’t going to the law, I wasn’t going to give myself
up. I loved freedom and life and the only thing that would come from
confessing was prison and death.

I took
Mouse’s money. It’s true I was afraid not to take it but
I didn’t throw it away. I could have found a worthy cause and
given up my loot for that but I didn’t, and I wasn’t
intending to do it.

All I
could do was to lay up in my room and drink.

If things
had continued like that I would have died there in Houston all those
years ago; I’d’ve never learned to live with my guilt and
remorse.

But then
something happened.

Every time
Mouse had come to the door he talked, as if I were in, about the
wedding and how they wanted me for best man. I couldn’t talk to
him. I sure couldn’t stand in a room full of people knowing
what I knew.

Then one
day a knock came at the door. It came again and a voice said, ‘Easy?’

It was
EttaMae.

‘Easy,
I know you’re in there,’ she said. ‘And I’m
gonna wait here at the door until you open up and let me in.’

That’s
all she said. I put my ear against the door and after a while I heard
a rustle, so I tiptoed to my bed and bit the pillow. After what
seemed like a long while I snuck back to the door and listened; and
just when I was sure she’d gone I heard her sigh.

Etta was
going to wait until I was ready to open up.

I moved
quietly to the window but when I looked outside the sun was so bright
and there were people in the street that knew my name; I went back to
the room. As quiet as I could I went around picking up the clothes
and trash from the floor; I pushed it all under the bed and into the
closet. Then I went to the door she was still there.

I got the
pan of water from the closet and tried to wash away the smell of two
weeks without bathing. And then I hanged my clothes. All I had decent
was an old pair of cutoff shorts and a flannel shirt. I rolled up the
sleeves because it was so hot.

When I
opened the door she was standing there; I was planning to act
surprised like I had just gotten up but I knew when our eyes met that
there was no sense in lying.

‘Easy.’
She smiled. Her dark brown eyes and deep brown skin were so
beautiful. It seemed like years since I had seen her but she was
still the same. Big and beautiful and so tender that I knew I would
have crossed Mouse to have her for mine.

‘Can
I come in, honey?’

I stepped
back and she walked by me. She was wearing jasmine, I remember. I
never thought much about perfume before but right then jasmine became
my favourite.

‘Ev’rybody
been lookin fo’ you, Easy. How come you been hidin’?’

‘Kinda
sick, Etta.’

‘Raymond
said that you come down wit’ sumpin’ in Pariah,’
she said. ‘He said that’s why you took so long out
there.’

We sat
down together on the bed. She put her arm around me and pressed my
head down on her shoulder.

‘You gonna get well to be our best man?’

‘I dunno, Etta, I been real sick.’

She put her hand on my forehead. ‘You don’t feel hot.’

‘But I’m sick.’

With her
arm still around me she turned to my face and said, ‘I know
sumpin’ happened ‘tween you an’ Raymond out there,
honey. I don’t know what it was an’ I don’t wanna
know. But I do know that you two is friends an’ that Raymond
will be sick if you don’t stand up for him. Outside’a me
you the on’y close friend he got.’

I was
looking down into her lap. She raised my face with her fingers and
said, ‘Easy, you know we care for you. I been worried ever
since I heard how you been actin’. No matter what’s
wrong, baby, you gonna have to stand up to it.’

‘What
if I cain’t stand no more?

‘Then
you have to die, Easy. ‘Cause when po’ people like us
stop movin’ fo’ward then we die. You know we cain’t
hardly afford no vacation.’

It was my
first good laugh in weeks.

It must’ve
been a strange laugh though, because Etta said, ‘Come here,
honey,’ and when she held me the laugh almost turned to tears.

I went
through a whole war and I never cried and I never got sick. I saw my
best friends die right there next to me with nothing more than a sigh
but I felt less then than I felt in Etta’s embrace. I served
under Patton where we froze and fought and then marched until we
couldn’t march anymore; and when we couldn’t march we
fought again; but I never even sniffled out there in those foreign
lands. I was never wounded.

I did
things far more terrible than Mouse could ever imagine but it never
bothered me.

When she
told me that I would die if I didn’t stand I knew it was true.
I understood that I was alone and there was no one there to help me.
Reese was dead, Clifton was dead, but I was alive. There was nothing
more I could do; I was just a man.

I got Etta
a drink. I sat across from her on the chair and asked her all about
the wedding. She told me that it was going to be on Saturday, four
days away, and that it was going to be held around the gazebo behind
Victory Church. She was near tears herself, she was so happy about
it.