Good Night, Sleep Tight Workbook (2 page)

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A child’s ability to put himself to sleep is important not just at bedtime, but also when he wakes in the night or during a nap.
Just as adults do, children have cycles of non-REM (deep) sleep and REM (light) sleep. A child’s sleep cycles do not mimic a grown-up’s until around the age of 2. When a sleeper of any age moves from one cycle to the next, his brain experiences a “partial arousal,” in which he’ll wake up just enough to roll over, realize he’s thirsty, or notice a fallen pillow; then, if he doesn’t need to get up for that glass of water or to retrieve that pillow, he’ll go right back to sleep. For babies who sleep through the night, partial arousals take place approximately every three to four hours (during naps, they occur after 10 minutes and 30 minutes of sleep); this means that during a partial arousal they may open their eyes and even realize that they’re alone in the crib—and think, “Oh, I’m in my room, there’s my lovey . . .” and put themselves back to sleep.

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It’s vital for a baby to learn to put herself to sleep without a “sleep crutch”—in other words, a negative sleep association that requires something be done either to or for her in order for her to go to sleep.
Some examples of common sleep crutches are nursing, bottle-feeding, rocking, walking, and having a parent lie down with a baby or young child until she falls asleep. These activities are labeled “negative” because a child can’t do them for herself.

SLEEP-TIGHT TIP

 

 

Putting oneself to sleep is a
learned
skill. Gently guiding our children to master this skill is just as important as teaching them their ABCs.

 

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“Positive sleep associations,”
on the other hand, are self-soothing behaviors or rituals that a baby can create for herself, such as sucking her thumb or fingers, twirling her hair, stroking a stuffed animal or favorite blanket, rubbing things against her cheek, rocking her body, humming, or singing.

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Phasing out a sleep crutch can be as challenging for the parent as the baby.
After all, you’ve come to rely on the magic of rocking, nursing, swinging, or pacing your baby all the way to the Land of Nod too. It can be really hard to give that up, but ultimately you want to get to the point where you can stop
before
your baby drifts off completely. Try cutting the amount of time you walk or rock your little one before putting him in his crib. Note that some babies get upset when “teased” with enough walking or rocking to make them drowsy but not enough to put them to sleep—in which case a more drastic approach is necessary: a minute of walking or rocking—just long enough to say, “I love you,” say a prayer, or hum a short lullaby—before being put down. If you have to choose between too drowsy or too awake, choose awake, and then work on soothing your baby to a drowsier point in the crib.

Unlatch her from your breast or the bottle, put her in her crib, and try to catch her a little earlier at the next bedtime.
If she wakes up while you’re unlatching her and gives you a look that says, “Hey, I’m still hungry! I didn’t mean to fall asleep on the job!” then give her one more chance. If she wakes up enough to really eat, let her finish. But if she goes back to that fluttery business, you’ve been duped! She’s not hungry—she just wants to suckle herself to sleep. Unlatch her, burp her, give her a kiss, and put her to bed.

 

 

 

- or -

 

 

Arouse her by changing her diaper or loosening her pajamas.
Say your soothing good-night words, and place her in her crib awake.

 

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Children need morning rituals just as much as they need bedtime rituals to help reinforce their understanding of wake-up time versus sleep time.
When it’s time to start the day, do a “dramatic wake-up.” Open the blinds, switch on the lights, sing some cheery good-morning songs, and welcome the new day.

 

As you read further into this workbook, you’ll see how I use dramatic wake-up to help your child differentiate between when you’re going to get them out of their crib or bed. Let’s say your child wakes at 5:00 a.m. and you go to her and sit next to her crib or bed to help her back to sleep. At 6:00 a.m. she’s still wide awake with no sign of going back to sleep, and you wish to give up on the night (6:00 a.m. is the earliest I ever want you to give up on the night). I would not want you to stand and pick her up and start the day fearing that you might train her to cry on and off for one hour (see intermitten reinforcement below). Instead I want you to leave the room, count to 10, go back in, turn on the light and say, “Good morning!” and start your day.

 

 

 

An Important Note on Consistency:
Once you have a sleep-training plan in place, it’s
absolutely crucial to be consistent
—even in the middle of the night when you’re tired and not thinking clearly. Sending mixed messages—which behavioral scientists call “intermittent reinforcement”—to your child throughout the day (and night!) will only frustrate him. He won’t be able to decipher what type of behavior merits rewards and what type of behavior doesn’t. Inconsistently reinforced behavior is the hardest type of behavior to modify or extinguish. It takes longer to change and it always gets worse before it gets better. This is particularly true of a child who’s more than 1 year old.

 

 

 

Here are three examples of intermittent reinforcement with children and sleep that I want you to
avoid
:

1. “Sometimes I feed you to sleep and sometimes I don’t.” For example, you may nurse your baby to sleep, feed him if he wakes after 10:00 p.m., rock him to sleep if he wakes again before 1:00 a.m., and then finally bring him into your bed out of desperation. This causes confusion. I want you to work toward putting your child down to bed drowsy but awake and responding to him consistently the same way through out the night.

2. “Sometimes I’ve let you cry for 15 or 30 minutes because I was desperate and heard this approach might work—but then I couldn’t take it anymore and went in, picked you up, and rocked you to sleep.” This is an example of how you can train your child to cry until you put him to sleep—any way you can!

3. “Sometimes I bring you in to my bed—but only after 5:00 a.m.” Please remember that your child can’t tell time. Why wouldn’t he expect to come to your bed at 2:00 a.m. if you bring him in after 5:00?

 

SLEEP-TIGHT TIP

 

 

Consistency is truly the key to parenting and especially sleep training success.