Gooney Bird Greene (5 page)

Gooney Bird continued.

Gooney Bird put the blue gumball into her mouth. It made a large lump in her cheek, and it tasted like spearmint.

She felt doubly lopsided now.

So she took another penny from her money collection and put it into the gumball machine. This time she got a yellow gumball. She put the yellow gumball into her mouth, and now she had a large lump on either side of her face, so her face wasn't lopsided, but her
head
still felt lopsided because she had only one diamond earring.

So she put another penny in, and she got a red gumball. She put it into her pocket to save for later. Now her hips felt lopsided. She took another penny from her money collection.

This time she got an orange gumball and put it into her other pocket, and now her hips weren't lopsided anymore, but she still had only one diamond earring.

Gooney Bird stopped the story and looked at the class. "I am going to jump ahead now," she said. "Mrs. Pidgeon, is there a word for when an author jumps ahead in a story and skips over some things?"

Mrs. Pidgeon thought about it. "When an author jumps
backward
in a story, it is called a 'flashback.' So maybe jumping ahead would be called a 'flash-forward'?"

"Well," Gooney Bird announced, "I am flashing forward."

After twenty minutes, all of the pennies in Gooney Bird's money collection were gone. And the gumball machine was empty. Now Gooney Bird had sixty-seven gumballs: two in her mouth, two in her pockets, and sixty-three in her Ziploc bag.

Also, she had a pair of very large, glittery, dangly diamond earrings, which she wears to this day.

When they saw her in the diamond earrings, everyone in the palace, including the prince, two motorcycle guys, and a lady in a wheelchair, cheered. Then they hugged and kissed and did a short but quite beautiful ballet.

The End

"What a lovely story!" Mrs. Pidgeon said. "And the flash-forward was very effective, Gooney Bird. I'm so glad you finally got the second earring."

Gooney Bird turned her head from side to side so her

classmates could admire the earrings. All of the children clapped.

"Did the prince ask you to marry him?" Keiko asked.

"What are you talking about?" Gooney Bird said. "The Prinns are already married. Mr. Howard Prinn is married to Mrs. Amanda Prinn. One Prinn plus one Prinn equals
Prinns.
The Prinns lived next door to me with their dog, Napoleon."

"Oh," the children said. "
Prinns.
"

Barry Tuckerman had jumped up and was waving his arm frantically in the air.

"That wasn't a true story!" Barry called out.

"I tell only absolutely true stories," Gooney Bird said impatiently. "How many times must I tell you that?"

"No, it wasn't, because I've seen lots of pictures of palaces, and they have throne rooms, and red carpets, and people get dressed up in ball gowns, and—"

"Barry, Barry, Barry," Gooney Bird said with a sigh. "What am I going to do with you?"

"What do you mean?" Barry asked.

"You're talking about a small-p palace. But I was talking about a capital-letter ice cream shop called The Palace, where they have—"

"Bathrooms!" Beanie suggested.

"And a gumball machine!" Chelsea said. "With diamond earrings!"

"Exactly right," Gooney Bird said, and she took her seat. Then carefully she unscrewed her dangling earrings. "Ouch," she said. "These really hurt."

Malcolm returned to the classroom. "Did you get out of jail, Gooney Bird?" he asked.

Gooney Bird looked unhappy for a moment. "No," she said. "Napoleon ate my Monopoly game."

5.

On Tuesday, all of the children, including Felicia Ann, arrived at school early—even Malcolm, who had never been early before.

Tricia had a flower in her hair.

Ben was wearing a vest.

Keiko had a tiny bit of pink lipstick on her lips.

And Barry Tuckerman was wearing a polka dot bow tie.

"Good morning, class," Mrs. Pidgeon said. "Don't you all look nice today!"

"You do, too, Mrs. Pidgeon!" the children said, and Mrs. Pidgeon blushed.

"Well," she said, "I thought I'd wear my new shoes today." Usually Mrs. Pidgeon wore soft, comfortable shoes. But today she was wearing very shiny high-heeled shoes with gold buckles.

The principal, Mr. Leroy, made announcements on the intercom. He announced a bake sale and a birthday and a meeting of the crossing guards.

A fifth grade boy read a poem about Christopher Columbus over the intercom. Everyone in the school said the Pledge of Allegiance together. Then it was time for school to begin.

But Gooney Bird wasn't there.

"Well," Mrs. Pidgeon said, "let's take out our social studies books, class. Let's turn to the chapter called 'Cities.'"

"But Gooney Bird isn't here!" Nicholas called.

"No," Mrs. Pidgeon said, "she isn't. She seems to be absent today. Maybe she has the chicken pox."

The class was silent. The room seemed sad. The lights seemed dim. Even the gerbils, who usually scurried noisily around in their cage, were very subdued. George Washington, in his portrait on the wall, looked as if he might cry any minute.

Slowly the children took their social studies books from their desks and turned to the chapter called "Cities."

Keiko began to cry very quietly. "I don't want to do social studies," she whimpered. "I feel too sad."

Malcolm crawled under his desk and curled up in a ball.

Suddenly the door to the room burst open.

"It's Gooney Bird!" everybody called. The lights seemed to brighten. The gerbils began to run in a circle, and George Washington seemed to smile.

Gooney Bird was out of breath. "I'm sorry I'm late," she said. "I am never, ever late for anything. I always set three alarm clocks, and I lay out my clothes the night before, and I even put toothpaste on my toothbrush before I go to bed so that I can brush my teeth quickly in the morning! But today—

"Wait," she said. "I have to catch my breath." She stood in front of the class and took a few deep breaths. "There," she said. "I'm fine now."

She smoothed her red hair, which was flying about, and tucked it behind her ears. Today Gooney Bird was wearing gray sweatpants, a sleeveless white blouse with lace on the collar, and amazing black gloves that came up above her elbows.

"This morning," she explained, "I quite unexpectedly had to direct an orchestra."

"An orchestra?" asked Mrs. Pidgeon.

"Yes. A symphony orchestra."

Mrs. Pidgeon smiled. "I hear all sorts of interesting excuses for tardiness, but I have never heard that one before."

"I believe I'm unique," Gooney Bird said.

"Yes, you are, indeed. Did you wear your gloves when you were directing the orchestra?"

"Yes," said Gooney Bird, "as a matter of fact, I did. I found them very helpful."

All of the second-graders had their hands in the air and

were pretending to lead orchestras. Even Malcolm was back in his seat, using two pencils as orchestra batons.

Gooney Bird headed toward her desk. She looked around at the other children's open books. "I see we're in the middle of social studies," she said.

Mrs. Pidgeon slipped one foot out of a high-heeled shoe and rubbed it with her hand. Then she put her shoe back on. "Actually," she said, "I think the class would appreciate it if we held story time a little early today."

"YAY!" called all the children, and they closed up their social studies books.

"A Gooney Bird story?" Gooney Bird asked.

"Yes," said Mrs. Pidgeon.

"YES!" called all the children.

Gooney Bird smoothed her long gloves. She went back up to the front of the room. "Which one would you like today?" she asked. "'How Catman Was Consumed by a Cow'?"

"I'd certainly like to hear about Catman and the cow sometime," Mrs. Pidgeon said. "Maybe tomorrow? But this morning I'd like to hear one called 'Why Gooney Bird Was Late for School Because She Had to Direct a Symphony Orchestra.'"

"Oh," Gooney Bird said. "All right. I could tell that."

"And it will be absolutely true?" asked Mrs. Pidgeon.

"Of course," Gooney Bird said. "Have you forgotten? All of my stories are absolutely true."

Then she curtsied, and began.

Why Gooney Bird Was Late for
School Because She Was Directing
a Symphony Orchestra

Once upon a time, in fact it was just this morning, Gooney Bird Greene got up and got dressed in the clothes that she had carefully laid out the night before.

She ate her breakfast, brushed her teeth with her pre-pasted toothbrush, gathered up her homework, put on her elbow-length gloves, and started off to the Watertower Elementary School.

Gooney Bird interrupted herself. She explained to the teacher and the class, "Sometimes stories start in the most ordinary way. Then they become exciting when something unexpected happens. Don't you find that to be true?"

The children nodded, thinking about their favorite stories.

"Like
Where the Wild Things Are,
" Ben suggested.

"Or
Little Red Riding Hood,
" Beanie said. "When the wolf appears, and you don't expect it!"

"Oh, I'm so scared of the wolf!" Keiko whispered loudly. "Every time the wolf appears, I—"

"Shhhh," the children said.

Gooney Bird continued.

Gooney Bird walked down Park Street, and turned the corner onto Walnut Street, and when she was halfway down Walnut Street, halfway to school, suddenly...

She paused. "I've explained before," she said, "about the word
suddenly.
It makes things exciting. Sometimes, class, if you're creating a story and you get stuck, just say the word
suddenly
and you won't have any trouble continuing at all."

"What a good idea!" Mrs. Pidgeon said. "We should start a list called 'Writing Tips.' What happened suddenly on Walnut Street, Gooney Bird?"

Gooney Bird continued.

Suddenly she saw an enormous red and white bus coming, very slowly. Each window had a head in it. The bus was quite full of people.

Gooney Bird was amazed. Even though she had lived in Watertower only a short time, about a week, she knew that the town of Watertower did not have enormous red and white buses.

Watertower had two medium-sized yellow school buses, Gooney Bird knew. And she knew, also, that one of the Watertower churches had a small white bus, really a long van, that had a rainbow painted on it, and said
JESUS IS LORD
on each side.

But an enormous red and white bus was completely new to Watertower.

As Gooney Bird watched, it moved very, very slowly down Walnut Street. She could see that the driver, though he was steering carefully, was also trying to look at a map in his hands.

The bus driver saw Gooney Bird, and he beeped his horn a very small beep. He pulled the bus to a stop with a breathy sound of brakes. Then he pushed the handle that opened the folding door.