Goose (16 page)

‘Look at you and your suntan! You look so well,' says Aunty Jo when she picks me up from the airport. ‘That trip did you the world of good!'

It really did. Getting through the exams was torture. School felt so dark, so depressed. Every time I walked in or out I had to see the lay-by and all the memories of that horrible day came flooding back to me. It was the most twisted and difficult time of my entire life. I resented having to go back to that building and I felt like everyone was talking about me all the time. Matt's ghost followed me everywhere for the few weeks after the funeral. No matter how supportive people were I couldn't escape the facts of what happened. I threw him my keys and let him drive my car, and he died because I did that. It will always be something I battle with, but I know now that over time I'm going to be able to build my life around it. I've learned a lot about who I want to be, and being good to the people I love is top of my agenda. I've not worked hard enough on that in the past, taking people for granted and always putting myself first. It isn't OK for me to be like that any more. I'm going to take better care of everyone from now on, and do my best not to let anybody down. I'll be a better person.

Spain was really good for me. I was so nervous when I arrived, nervous to see Dad for the first time in ten years, nervous to see Nell and to meet my step-mum and two little half-brothers. But as soon as I arrived it just worked. Sure, Dad and I had some work to do on our relationship. I felt angry with him at first, but then me, Dad and Nell talked a bit, and I realised how Nana and Pop – but mostly Pop – had made it so hard for Dad to be a part of our lives. I also realised how much Mum dying had broken him and that Guernsey was too painful a place to be. He never should have left me and Nell. I am not sure I will ever understand why he wouldn't take us with him, but I'm beginning to learn that being an adult is hard work and full of tough decisions, and that you don't always make the right ones. The most important thing is that you learn from your mistakes, and make up for them as best you can when you get the chance.

Dad was really trying to make it up to me. To get to know me and make me a part of his life. His wife, Maria, is lovely too. A large Spanish motherly type who just wants to take care of everybody. I'd spoken to her on the phone before, and she's always sent me birthday and Christmas cards since she's been with Dad, so I had no real reason not to like her. She was funny and kind and a really good cook. She made huge Spanish dinners, which even Nell ate.

Their house is so pretty, just outside a small village in Andalusia. There are vineyards and in the village there are lots of cafés and bars. I worked in one of them and have actually managed to save quite a bit of money.

I feel a bit better about everything that happened. Mrs Richardson and I have spoken on the phone a few times and I sent her postcards all the time. Aunty Jo brought Nana out for a holiday, which was funny because she really didn't have a clue where she was. She kept thinking Aunty Jo had redecorated and that was why the house looked different. I was so happy when everyone was together, I couldn't believe it was my family.

Nell and I got on OK too. We had to share a room again, but this time around it wasn't so bad. I'm really glad she moved out there when she did. At the time it broke my heart, but I've never seen her so happy. And she's put on a bit of weight. She's still a bit weird about food. I think she always will be. But all she wanted was to be with her dad, and I'm happy she's got him to look after her now.

I definitely want to go back to Spain next month to work. Maria says she knows someone at the local English-speaking paper for all the ex-pats, so I'm going to go and see them and see if I can get some work experience, and start writing food reviews and see if they will print any. I might as well try. All in all I'm feeling really positive about life again, but I really missed Flo.

‘Is it all right if I go and stay with Flo tonight?' I ask Aunty Jo. ‘Then we can go to school together tomorrow and get our results.'

‘Of course. Why don't you come home, see Nana, drop off your bags and then I'll drive you round. There is something I need to tell you when we get there too.'

‘Who is with Nana now?' I ask her, knowing she won't have left her alone.

‘That's what I need to talk to you about.'

As we pull up to the house there is a car in the driveway. It looks familiar, but I can't place whose it is. Aunty Jo has gone a bit quiet. She has a cheeky look on her face, like she has done something naughty. In the house there is a man's jacket hanging on the stairs, and a pair of familiar-looking glasses by the phone. Surely not?

‘Hello, Renée. Welcome home,' says Mr Frankel, coming out of the kitchen.

‘Mr Frankel, what, are you  …  ?' I start to put the pieces together. ‘Wait, are you two  …  ?'

‘You're going to have to get used to calling me James,' he says, walking past me to Aunty Jo so he can put his arm around her.

‘James?' I say ‘Uncle James?' We all laugh. These two getting together is the best thing I have ever seen. ‘I LOVE this!' I tell them, hugging them both. ‘I love this SO much!'

‘And we're not the only ones. Come and see this,' says Aunty Jo, leading me outside. ‘Look at Freddie.'

I look at our goose in his little enclosure, proud as anything with his head held high, sitting next to Feathers. He looks like his old self again.

‘Where's Flapper?' I ask.

‘We had to get her a new home. It just wasn't going to work having the three of them. She was so left out. Freddie took a shine to Feathers, the two of them paired off and poor Flapper was left on her own all the time. It was sad to see. As soon as she left these two were so happy. He's the best he's ever been, completely in love.'

We watch them for a few minutes. It's very sweet.

‘Please can I go and see Flo now?' I ask, not able to wait any longer. I haven't told her I'm back and want to surprise her.

‘Here, I'll take you,' says Mr Fra— James.

‘You won't try to make me read Chaucer on the way, will you?' I joke.

‘Renée, it was hard enough to get you to read anything while you were at school!' he says back, grabbing his keys.

I'm so nervous about the results. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, and what will be will be, but the fear that I won't have passed and that I won't get to go where I want to go is worrying me. Tomorrow is D-Day. I will know. I need an A and two Bs. What with everything that was going on while we were doing the exams, and having to look after Renée, I just don't know how I've done.

There is a knock at the door.

‘Flo, can you get that? Arthur and I are putting shelves up in the bedroom.' shouts Mum. They've been busy all day making changes to the bedroom because Arthur is moving in. I reluctantly get off my bed and go downstairs. I hope it's not Sandra. She keeps coming round with snacks.

I open the door.

‘
Hola
,' says Renée, looking beautiful with a huge smile and a suntan. I'm so happy to see her I squeak.

‘God, I've missed you so much!' I say, latching onto her like a limpet. ‘You didn't tell me you were coming back today!'

‘Ooo, my arm, my arm. It's still not quite healed,' says Renée. I let go of her and press my cheek against hers. I just want to be as close to her as possible. ‘Of course I am back, it's results day tomorrow.'

‘I didn't think you would care about the results. I thought maybe Aunty Jo would get them for you. I'm so glad you came. I've missed you so much. I can't be in Guernsey without you.'

‘I'm here now, and I am with you until you go.'

‘If I go. I have to pass first.'

‘Flo, you pass everything. There is no way you won't get the grades you want. Now, can I come in?'

We head to the kitchen and pile cheese and crackers and all sorts of other things on plates and take them up to my room. In bed, head to toe, we tell each other everything about our summers, and chat into the night until we fall asleep.

‘I can't,' I say.

‘Yes, you can, Flo. Come on,' Renée insists.

‘I can't.'

‘Flo, get in the car. We are going.'

‘But what if I've failed. I don't want to know.'

‘You won't have failed. You never fail anything at school. Get in and drive.'

I do as she says and start the engine. I drive us to school really slowly, hoping for a puncture the whole way so I can put it off.

‘Park as close to the entrance as you can, I don't want to be near the lay-by,' Renée says. I can't imagine what it must be like for her coming back here.

Luckily the car park is almost empty as it's the holidays. I get us as close as I can.

‘Right, let's do this,' she says. ‘Not that I care.'

We walk up the steps and into the main entrance of the school. People from our year are all around us and most of them look quite happy with themselves. It's so weird to think my future depends on what is inside the envelope. We get to the canteen and see the table with the results on. Renée walks ahead and gets ours.

‘Here you go,' she says, returning and passing me mine.

I start to gently peel open the envelope. You'd think there was a dead body in it the way I'm acting. I feel so terrified. This is it, school over forever. Done. The results in this envelope tell me if I made the most of it or not, or if the whole thing has been a waste of time.

‘Oh for God's sake, Flo,' says Renée, snatching it out of my hand. ‘Stop being such a wuss.' She rips open my envelope and hands it back to me.

‘There, you moron, you did it. Look, you passed! An A and two Bs. You're in!'

I look at the paper. She's right. Oh my God, she's right. I scream and jump up and down and hug her, but she tells me to get off because of her arm.

‘I did it!' I keep saying. ‘I did it!'

‘My turn. Not that it matters. I don't need good grades. It means nothing to me.'

She opens her envelope and a huge smile appears across her face.

‘What, you passed them all?'

‘No. I got an E for Classics, an N for Home Ec, but a B for English. That's the best I've ever done in anything. B in English? Me?'

She looks so happy. It turns out it really did matter after all.

‘Flo,' calls someone behind me. It's Kerry. She looks happy. ‘How did you do?'

‘I passed, I got what I needed. I can't believe it,' I tell her.

‘Me too. Well done.'

‘Thanks.'

There are a few seconds of awkward silence. I think Kerry is hoping Renée will step away. But of course she doesn't.

‘Look,' Kerry says anyway. ‘I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you when I told you I thought you were gay. I just  …  '

Renée makes a very strange croaking noise as she half laughs and half chokes.

I have gone a ripe beetroot colour.

‘Kerry, don't worry about it. I just hope we can be friends and put it all behind us,' I say, avoiding Renée's eyes, which are like lasers in the side of my head. She will laugh her head off when I tell her about all of this.

‘What's this then? A lesbian convention?' It's Bernadette. She obviously has no intention of stopping bullying Kerry, even though school is over. ‘Are your grades good enough to go to the school of massive lesbians together now?' She laughs, and her two disciples laugh loyally.

‘What did you say?' says Renée.

Uh-oh. An unsuspecting Bernadette hasn't met Renée when she's sticking up for me yet.

‘I said are these two lezzers going –'

‘Yeah, I heard what you said. Do you know what I think?'

‘What?' says Bernadette, not enjoying being stopped in her tracks.

‘I think you should go and pick on someone your own size, like a man?'

We all watch as Bernadette's ego pours into the ground.

‘So take your massive shoulders and your big face and fuck off, OK?' finishes Renée, shooing Bernadette away like an annoying fly. ‘Go on, off you pop.'

Bernadette turns slowly and walks away. She doesn't even try to come back to what Renée said – what could you possibly say to that? All we hear as she walks away is her telling her two stooges to shut up, because neither of them can stop laughing.

‘Thanks,' says Kerry. ‘It looks like you have your best friend back, Flo. Maybe see you in church soon?'

‘Sure,' I say, giving her a hug.

Kerry walks away, and it takes Renée all of four seconds to laugh so hard she is almost sick.

‘You? A lesbian? Jesus. You're terrified of your own vagina, how would you cope with someone else's?'

Yup, my best friend is back, all right.

I guess I didn't realise how important it was for me to pass English. But then I never missed a lesson and I did all of my coursework. I'm so chuffed that I got a B. Apart from anything else, now that Mr Frankel is practically related to me it makes going home a lot less awkward.

As we leave the school I see Emma Morton going in, looking much healthier. She smiles at me as she walks past and I smile back. I'm happy to see she managed to sit the exams. I hope she gets what she wants.

And then I see Meg.

She's leaving with her envelope and walking up the road and away from town, which means she isn't going to Dean's. Where is she going? Pissed off with her as I am, I'm still fascinated to know what she's all about. I'm going to follow her.

‘Flo, do you mind if I walk home? I could do with some air.'

‘No, I was going to just drop you home anyway. There's someone I have to go and see. See you tonight for some celebratory drinks?'

‘Definitely. And Flo? Well done, I'm so proud of you.'

‘I'm proud of you too,' she beams. ‘See you later.'

I run out of the car park and follow the road that Meg is walking along, being careful not to get too close so that she senses me. I don't know where she lives, but it can't be far if she's walking.

I was wrong. We walk for nearly half an hour. Eventually she turns into an estate not far from Cobo Bay and goes into a house. It's one of those houses that looks like all the other ones on the street. Boring but nice. I don't see anything about it that would be so hideous she wouldn't want to stay there and instead sleep on a couch with a thin blanket. But I guess I know the real reasons she slept at Dean's now. Although it still doesn't make any sense.

I don't know why I followed her. What am I hoping to see? As I think about leaving I wonder how much better I will feel if I confront her. If I just knock on the door and ask her why she treated me that way, and tell her how she made me feel. People like Meg should know the damage they do or they'll just keep on doing it. She made me look like a fool and humiliated me night after night. She shouldn't get away with it. So after half an hour of hiding in a bush outside her house, I go and knock on the door. After two long minutes, she opens it. She's wearing a T-shirt and just her knickers. Like I've seen her so many times before.

‘Renée? What are you doing here?'

‘I followed you from school. I wasn't going to knock, but I think you need to know how you made me feel. You really hurt me, sleeping with Dean. I thought he was my boyfriend.'

‘There are about five girls right now who think they're Dean's girlfriend. Dean doesn't do girlfriends, Renée.'

He was seeing more people? How could I have been so stupid? It all seems so obvious now.

‘And so what are you? What makes you different?'

‘Renée, it's complicated and I really want you to leave if that's  …  '

A male voice comes from upstairs.

‘Megan! Where's my fucking whisky? Have you hidden my whisky?'

Meg looks nervous.

‘Please, Renée, you should leave.'

‘Who is that?' I ask her. ‘Is that your dad?'

She doesn't answer and I roll my eyes.

‘Meg, Dean is using you for sex. He used me and he obviously uses other people too  …  '

‘Look, Renée, Dean lets me stay, OK? I give him what he wants and he gives me somewhere to stay when I need it. My part of the deal is as good as his, OK? Do you understand?'

The man's voice comes again. This time it's louder.

‘Meg! Get inside, you lazy little tart.'

My mouth drops open. Is Meg's dad really talking to her like that?

‘Please, just go.' Meg looks actually upset for the first time ever.

‘Are you OK?' I ask her. No wonder she never wants to stay here, I think.

Meg shakes her head, like she's warning me off.

‘Are you s—' I try again.

‘Renée, just go home,' she says. ‘Seriously.'

‘Fine, OK, I'll go.' I shrug and turn away from her.

But before she closes the door she calls after me, ‘Renée?'

I turn back to her.

‘Don't think too badly of me, OK? Please?'

‘I won't,' I say, meaning it.

She shuts the door.