Gravitate (43 page)

“Claudia, remember to stay still…This is the last time you can come to me like this. They discovered what hap
pened when I left you feathers.
They promised me one more chance to say goodbye, to explain to you why you won’t
see any more feathers from me.
Never think for a
moment that I don’t love you. But I won’t be watching you. I have to stop that too.
George said he’ll keep a watch on you – I asked for Olivia, but they decided on
George. I saw what Tim tried to do.
I felt terrible, I should have been protecting you, but my selfishn
ess meant you were vulnerable.
I never deserved you.”

I fought every muscle in my body to stay still, but I was desperate to shout how wrong he was, to comfort him for all these terrible lies he was saying about himself.

“I can’t
give you the life you deserve.
I can’t eve
n give you a Christmas present.
Just a stupid feather.”

I could feel his tears as he pressed his cheek to my forehead.

“I love you
so much. But this is the end for us.
There is no other way now.”

I felt him gently kiss my forehead
, his lips soft and caressing.
The desire to move, to kiss him back, was excruciating.

“I wish I could hold you like this forever, but I know you’ll wake
up soon.
I will always love you, Claudia.”

I felt the sickening lurch begin in my stomach and I knew I was leaving him.

“I will always love you, Marty.”

I woke up in the guest bedroom, tears running across my cheeks and one lone tear, Marty’s tear, on my
forehead.
I
gripped the feather in my hand.
A knock at the door shocked me.
It opened as five excited bundles of energy ran into the room and jumped on the bed.

“Merry Christmas, Claudia!” they screamed in unison.

“Merry Christmas,” I whispered and ushered them out of my ro
om.
I closed the door, leant aga
inst it, and burst into tears.

Chapter 29

It was the worst Christmas of my life, m
uch as I had expected it to be.
I hid my feelings, laughing and joking with the children all day, but I felt like a zombie, muddling through with
no idea of why I was bothering. Nothing mattered anymore.
I felt like I’d taken a massive step backwards, to how I fel
t when Marty first disappeared.
I held my feelings in all day, waiting until I was in bed to cry myself to sleep.

Boxing Day was even worse than Christmas day – without the distractions of opening presents and sitting down for a big family meal, I
had far too much time to think.
I could feel the depression taking hold and knew Sandra was conce
rned.
I used my acting skills to try to hide how I felt, b
ut it was a constant struggle.
I was relieved that I would be heading home the next day, where I d
idn’t have to hide my feelings.
Sam sent two messages a day to me, regular as clockwork – one in the m
orning, and one in the evening.
I was pleasant but
non-committal in my responses.

Uncle Ned drove me to the train station, helping me with my
suitcase into the ticket hall.
He was a naturally quiet man, content to stay in the background of life, but I’d always liked him and felt at ease with him.

“You’ll ring Sandra when you get home, won’t you?” he asked.

“Yes, I will.”

“She worries about you.”

“I
know, but she doesn’t have to.” I gave him a big hug. “I’d better get on the train.”

I struggled with my suitcase through the ticket barriers and onto the platform, where a few other t
ravellers waited for the train.
The wind seemed intensified on the platform and I felt so empty tha
t it could almost blow me away.
The train pulled up, a few minutes later than expected, and I was grateful that th
e carriages were fairly empty.
I lugged my suitcase into a luggage
rack and found a seat nearby.
I took a magazine out of my handbag and stared at the pages, unable to process any information contained within the columns.

My phone beeped, bri
nging me back out of my trance.
It was
Sofia
:

Hey Hon, hope yo
u had a good Xmas. Guess what?
Ben’s dad said we can have our NYE party at his and we can stay over in his guest rooms – isn’t that awesome? Xx

I didn’t know how to reply
.
My Christmas had been anything but good and I wasn’t
excited about New Year either.
I tried not to burst her bubble, so I typed a generic reply:

It was good to see my family.
I’m sure NYE will be great fun.  I’m just on the train home now. X

I returned to trying to read my magazine, but I found myself looking out of the window a
t the countryside zooming past.
A short tim
e later, my phone beeped again.
An old man ac
ross the aisle from me tutted.
I shrugged apologetically and turned my phone to silent, even tho
ugh it wasn’t a quiet carriage.
Sam had sent a message:

Ben mentioned you were on the train already, I’ll be at the station to meet you. X

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this – it would be the first time I’d seen Sam face to face since he’d told me that he was attr
acted to me.
I felt like I was split in two – on one hand, I was looking forward to seeing him, but on the other hand I felt like accepting his lift would be leading him on – I was still mourning the
loss of my connection to Marty.
I found myself wishing the train would break down, to have a delay, so that I would have more time to plan what to say to Sam, but it was as though time sped up, and before I knew it, I’d arrived at my destination.

I’d expected him to be waiting in the ticket hall, so I was shocked to see him waiting on the platform as I struggled to c
arry my suitcase off the train.
He raced over to help me, taking the loa
d as though it weighed nothing.
I was worried he would try to hug me, which I didn’t feel comfortable with, but he didn’t touch me at all, he just smiled as though I was the mos
t precious thing in the world.

“Come on, Princess, your carriage awaits.”

“How was your Christmas?” I asked.

“Better than yours, I’d wager.
It was fine, visited some old friends, drank a very fine bottle
of wine.
Thought of you.” He looked
over at me and I looked away.

“How’s Ben?
Did you see
Sofia
?” I wanted to change the subject.

“They’re both fine, she’s a lovely girl – they’re both at my house
now, I left them watching DVDs.
Did you want to join them?” Sam asked, as he loaded my suitcase into the boot of his car.

I shook my head.
“I want to go to my parents’ grave.”

He sighed.
“Of course you do.  I’ll drive you there.”

We didn’t talk on t
he short drive to the cemetery.
My parents had been buried side by side and I knew my wa
y to their graves off by heart.
I thought Sam would wait in the car, but he accompanied me, standing with me for a moment and then discreetly walking further away, out of earshot, bu
t where I could still see him.
The gravey
ard was empty, aside from us.
Dark clouds gathered overhead and I fe
lt that a storm was on its way.
A fresh bouquet of flowers had been placed in
the middle of the gravestones.
Someone
had been here fairly recently.
There was no note on the flowers, but my parents had been very popular w
ith friends all over the town.
I felt bad that I had bro
ught nothing to leave for them.
I felt in my pocket and found the last
feather Marty had left for me. It seemed a fitting tribute.
All the memories of the three
people I loved the most.

“Hi, Mum.
Hi, Dad.” I felt tears prickin
g at my eyes, my nose tingling.
“I’m so
rry I haven’t been by to visit. So much has happened. I miss you so much. Why did you leave me?”
The tears w
ere now streaming down my face.
“I
spent Christmas with Sandra. She’s fine. The whole gang are fine. We all miss you.
Nothing seems right without you.”

I turned to my mum’s grave and said the words I wished she co
uld hear. “I fell in love, Mum. It finally happened.
Just like you said
it would.
But
he left and now I’m all alone. I wish you could come back.
I ne
ed you to mend my broken heart. Mummy, I love you. Please come back.”

I sobbed for a few minutes, thinking back to my childhood when my mother’s cuddles could mend any ailm
ent.
I missed her
more than words could express.
I turned to my dad’s grave.

“Daddy. I miss you.
I didn’t realise how much you protected me until you
weren’t here to do it anymore.
The world can
be a horrible place sometimes.
But I hope you’d be proud of me – I’m learning about
your business. Are you proud? I’ll bet you are.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t miss you.”

In my head I ran through a montage of moments in my life that my parents would never see – my graduation from university, walking down the aisle at my wedding,
holding their first grandchild.
They’d been ripped apart from me before I
’d even started living my life.
I knelt on the grass in between their graves and spoke to them both.

“I wish I’d made more of the time we spe
nt together.
I’ll always love you b
oth, I’ll always miss you both. I wish I’d gone with you.
I wish we were together…” I laid my head on the grass and broke down.

A few minutes later I felt a pair of strong hands on my back, pulling me upright and holdi
ng on to me.
I looked up at
Sam and saw he was also crying.
I buried my head against
his chest and let him hold me.
He cradled me until my sobs subsided and t
hen cajoled me back to the car.
He drove me home in silenc
e and helped me into the house.
He offered to
stay, but I asked him to leave.
I needed to be alone for a while.

Chapter 30

The
next few days passed in a blur.
I
spent most of the time crying.
Crying for my parents, crying
for Marty, crying for myself.
I didn’t feel like eating, I didn’t feel
like drinking, I barely slept.
My phone would beep, I’d read the messages but only respond to say I was fine but I wanted to be alone.

On New Year’s Eve
Sofia
rang me, forci
ng me to face the world again.
I hadn’t wanted to answer the phone, but it
wasn’t fair to make her worry.
I took a deep breath and pressed the ‘answer’ button.

“Hello,
Sofia
,” I whispered, my voice crackling from being used after so much time in silence.

“Claudia, we’re picking you up in an hour and you’re coming to our
party.
Pack your overnight bag and get your dancing shoes o
n.
We won’t take no for an answer.”

I sighed. “You know I’m not good company at the moment.”

“We don’t c
are, we want you at our party.
Go and pack your stuff, we’ll be over soon.”

“I don’t deserve friends like you,” I said sarcastically, but really meaning every word.

“Of course you do.
See you in an hour.”

I raced around the house, throwing items into my overnight bag and picking an outfit that
would be suitable for a party.
I settled on the black dress I w
ore for my night out with Jade.
I made myself a cup of tea and wait
ed for Ben and Sofia to arrive.
I didn’t feel like going to a party, but I knew I couldn’t stay i
n my house, on my own, forever.
At some point I had to move on.