Gravity (Free Falling) (12 page)

It seemed like the atmosphere was responding to my rage. 
The rain was falling in sheets and thunder boomed in the background.  Despite the fact that I could barely see, I drove through the streets at top speed as if it was a clear, sunny day.  The drive that should have taken at least ten minutes only took me six.  I was still fuming when I rounded the corner approaching my house. 

I growled audibly as I gripped the steering wheel when, t
o my surprise, I returned to find AJ’s car still sitting in the same spot as if he’d never left.  I whipped into the driveway and snatched the key from the ignition before stepping out into the pouring rain.  When I slammed the door he was already halfway to me.  I had my sights set on him and I had my mouth fixed to go off on him in the worst way possible.

             
“Who do you…,” was all I could get out before he grabbed my face firmly in both of his hands and kissed me with such intensity that if he hadn’t been holding me my legs would’ve given way.  Our lips met with such violence and force, packed with all the emotion that we both had bottled up; anger…..frustration…..longing.  We were both struggling to catch our breath, unwilling to separate ourselves even for that.  I ran my fingers through his rain-drenched hair and pulled him to me as he bit down on my lip.  No matter how tight I held him, it felt like I couldn’t get close enough.  I’d never in my life experienced such a rush.  In those moments, I was crazed for him – obsessed with this feeling.  I knew what it must feel like to get high.  It was like I’d been trying to get here – to him – all my life even though I didn’t realize that it was him my world was missing.  

We
stood there kissing in the rain for so long that I lost track of time.  As the rage and aggravation gave way to desire, the kiss slowed, deepened, and we became absorbed in the sensuality of this first intimate moment.  AJ had even made me forget about the torrential rain as everything around us disappeared.  When we finally separated ourselves we could only stand there staring into each other’s eyes, neither of us speaking one word.  Slowly, AJ turned and walked back to his car, looking back one last time as I stood there in the rain.  I watched him drive off, imaging that he was just as stunned by the passion ignited by our kiss as I was.

I could still feel his lips on mine
. For the first time, I was aware of the chilling rain, but I feared that if I moved the feeling would disappear.  I eventually got myself together and walked into the house.  Once in my room, I was overwhelmed by a flood of emotions that brought me to tears.  I closed my door and sat against it sobbing.  The frustration that I felt toward myself was immense, but some of it was maybe even aimed at AJ for not keeping his promise…..
or
his distance.  He was supposed to stay away.  He was supposed to give me space so that I could keep my mind off of him while I untangled the mess of feelings that occupied my heart these days.  My feelings for him were obviously becoming stronger and I was now absolutely sure of one thing…..I couldn’t leave him alone.

So
what now?  I asked myself this question as I sat there toiling.  What about everything I’d said about not jeopardizing what I had with Antonio?  Had I changed my mind that fast?  The answer was yes. With one kiss, AJ not only weakened my resolve, he’d completely rearranged my whole plan.  All of a sudden, I found myself feeling extremely selfish as I fought the idea of holding on to them both.  But what if I got caught up?  What about Antonio?  Was I ready to be done with him if things didn’t end well?  No…..I wasn’t ready to do that either.  I frowned as I slowly began to realize how this was all going to have to play out.  If I was unwilling to let go of either of them that meant that I had to be prepared to do a ton of lying and sneaking around which made my head spin just at the thought of trying to cover all my tracks. 

I revised my original plan and
was surprisingly content with accepting that I was going to continue to be unfaithful to Antonio so that I could have AJ too.  I’d justified my actions with the realization that I
had
to have them both; Antonio, who I’d belong to openly, could never know what was going on; and AJ, who’d be fully aware of the entire situation and would secretly have a huge part of my heart that belonged to him too.

I lie
there on the floor for hours trying to figure out where this new corrupt version of my former self came from.  Neither AJ nor Antonio had any idea the type of selfish creature I was capable of being.   I was putting my own feelings before anyone else’s and that sickened me, but I couldn’t help myself.  No matter how bad I felt about what I was about to do, I’d made up my mind that I wouldn’t deprive myself of either one of them.  Eventually I picked myself up off the floor, lay in my bed and continued to cry until sleep overtook me.

Chapter Five

When I awoke the next morning I looked a mess.  My hair was flying in every direction and my eyes were still red and swollen.  While I looked like everything had fallen apart on the outside, I was surprisingly calm on the inside.  I’d become more keen on going through with my plan sometime during the night as I slept.  In
the shower, I washed away all traces of guilt and emerged a new person.  In the mirror, the girl who stared back at me looked sure and confident and I realized that I was ready to do this.  I drove to school without the radio on, needing my head to stay clear.  As I entered the building, I reminded myself why I’d made such a hideous decision that could cost me more than I was willing to admit. 
There was absolutely no other way. 

Walking
down the hall I never focused on one face that I passed and I made it to homeroom without seeing either Antonio or AJ.  That was a relief for the moment because I wasn’t quite sure how to carry out my plan.  I’d definitely have to cue AJ in on my revelation from the night before. 
Was I even sure that he’d go along with having to be in the background?  What if he wasn’t willing to hide our relationship?  Was it even fair for me to expect that of him?
  There was only one way to find out. 

I devised a plan while I sat at the back of Mr. Talbert’s class.  Once I’d been in my first hour for about ten minutes I
’d fake a stomach ache and ask to be excused to the office.  Kyla and I had that class together, so I had to make sure that my acting was believable.  AJ would have to agree to meet me in the school auditorium, which I was sure would be empty because there weren’t any assemblies or anything going on today. 
That could work
. 

I pulled out my phone inconspicuously and held it under my desk.  I
t was time to text AJ now so he could get his story together for his teacher.

             
“
Think u can sneak out of ur 1
st
hour?”

Enough time passed before he responded that I considered that he may still not be talking to me.  I guess that was silly considering
the kiss the night before.  A moment later I received his message.

             
“
yeah, y?”

             
“I need 2 talk 2 u.  Kinda important.”

             
“sure.”

             
“k.  about 10 mins into class ask 2 b excused.  I’ll meet u in the auditorium.”

             
“K.”

Everything was all set.  I settled back in my seat and waited for the bell to ring. 
When it finally did, I arose from my seat and was a girl on a mission.  I made it to Math without Antonio seeing me; I wasn’t really ready for that part yet.  My first order of business was to deal with AJ. 

As planned, exactly ten minutes into class I approached Mr. Kendall’s desk and asked him if I could have a pass to the office, feigning a stomach ache.
  He signed the pass and then I free to go. 

I walked down the stairs and made my way to the auditorium doors. 
After double checking for witnesses, I crept inside.  It took my eyes a few seconds to adjust in the almost complete darkness.  I felt around for the wall to lean against while I waited and gasped aloud when my hands came to rest on AJ’s chest. 

             
“You scared me,” I gasped.

             
“I noticed,” he replied, sounding like this brought a smile to his face.

There was a brief moment of silence before I decided to let him in on why I’d asked him to meet me here.  “
There’s something that I want to talk to you about and I’m not really sure how to say it or if I
should
say it, but I guess here goes.”  I took a deep breath, held it for a minute and then released it slowly.  “What I said the other day in the parking lot about needing my space?  Yeah……turns out that was a pretty stupid idea.  I want…..no that’s not right.”  I shook my head, grateful for the darkness that hid my nervousness. “I
need
you in my life and I can’t settle for just being friends.   I thought about this for a long time last night and I still haven’t really worked out the details yet, but……I at least needed to let you know where my head is.  Now, there’s still the issue of Antonio, but like I said I haven’t really worked that out.  Please, just be patient and let me deal with him the way I think is best.”

AJ
listened patiently to my rant without interrupting until he was sure that I was done talking.  “Sam, you already know how I feel.  I seriously did try to respect your wishes, but I couldn’t help it last night.  Clearly, I wanna be with you too…..but I need to be clear on what you’re asking me to do.”

There was no eas
y way to say it, so I made it quick…..kind of like ripping off a band-aid.  “I’m not sure that I’m ready to let go of Antonio completely, but I’m sure that I’m not ready to let go of you.”  I sighed, realizing how bad this sounded.  “I’m asking you to give me time to figure this out…..but I can’t deal with not being with you.”

Neither of us spoke as
I imagined he was trying to grasp what I was asking him to do.  AJ sighed and then broke the silence.  “You want to be with me, but no one else can know.”  This wasn’t a question.  He’d fully understood what I was asking.  “Before I answer, I want you to understand something first.”  I heard him take a step in my direction before gently taking both of my hands in his.  “If I wasn’t absolutely
sure
that you’d eventually come to your senses and see that you want to be with me….
only
me…I would never agree to this.  I don’t want you to do anything before you‘re ready.  I suppose we didn’t exactly choose to hook up under the best circumstances, so I can see how this has gotten to be kind of complicated for you.”  He sighed again and I held my breath while I waited for him to continue.  “With that being said, I’ll do what you’re asking.”  He laughed to himself.  “Besides…this could be fun.”

Before I could say anythi
ng else, AJ’s lips were on mine.  He lifted my hands to his shoulders and I eagerly wrapped them around his neck, breathing deeply as he pulled me closer.  I didn’t stop him; it felt too right.  I unclasped my hands and slid them down to the collar of his shirt, pulling him to me even more.  That feeling of not being able to get close enough returned and I felt like I might try to keep him locked in that auditorium with me all day.  I could feel him smiling while we still kissed.               

             
“I think we should go before someone get’s suspicious,” AJ whispered breathlessly when he finally separated his lips from mine.

             
“I know,” I said in a sad tone as I tried to slow the air rushing into my lungs as I panted.  The taste he left behind on my lips would have to be enough to tie me over. I licked them to savor it as I closed my eyes.  It was now crystal clear just how powerful the hold he had on me was becoming.  We quickly kissed again before AJ opened the auditorium door, letting the light from the hallway flood our momentary oasis.   Once he was sure that we’d be able to make a clean break, he told me to run for it and he’d be a few steps behind me.  On the other side of the door it was like a switch had been turned off. Neither of us looked back at the other as we went in separate directions back to our classes. 

I returned to Math and explained to Mr. Kendall that I was feeling better
.  He didn’t question me, so I turned and went to my seat.  It was hard to keep myself from smiling as I thought about my meeting with AJ, but it was useless.  To keep from looking like a total idiot, I had to put my head down and I stayed like that for the remainder of the hour.  When the bell rang I was reminded that I’d have to face Antonio at some point in the day and that time may be now.  I walked toward the door slowly fearing that he could be waiting for me.  As soon as I crossed the threshold, there he was……
of course
.  My heart stopped beating.  I’d been hoping for more time to recover after seeing AJ before having to face Antonio, but no such luck.

He did
n’t hesitate to reach for me, and in an instant I was in Antonio’s arms.  I had this strange fear that he would somehow be able to sense that I’d been with AJ. 
Did he smell his cologne on me?  Were my lips still flushed red from our intense kiss earlier?
When he released me from his grip I backed up a little and fidgeted while trying to inconspicuously sniff my clothing.  Antonio stared at me curiously for a second before speaking.  “You alright?”

             
“Huh…Yeah, I’m good.”  I replied nervously while my eyes shifted back and forth like a criminal.  “How’re you?”

             
“Good now that I’m with you,” he said smiling.  “I checked the movie times last night and there’s one starting at 7:30 and another one at 8:15.  Which one you wanna shoot for?”

I’d completely forgotten about our dat
e tonight.  “Um…7:30 is fine,” I replied.

“Ok
, I’ll be there to get you at like quarter to seven then.”

             
“Sounds good.  Well look, I have to get to class. There’re a few questions I need my teacher’s help on before I have to turn in last night’s homework,” I lied.

             
“Ok.”  Antonio was obviously suspicious of my behavior.  “I’ll see you later then.”

             
“Yeah, see you.”  Hopefully, I hadn’t been
too
obvious.  If I was going to pull this off I’d have to hold it together better than that. 

For the rest of the morning,
I was fortunate enough not to run into either Antonio or AJ; which may have been because I was dodging them.  Lunch was a bit more complicated though.  I didn’t feel much like eating, so I just joined my friends at our table.  Terrance was seated next to Leslie and there was an empty space between her and Antonio that was evidently being saved for me.  As I approached them, I tried to search for AJ discreetly, but didn’t see him anywhere.  Maybe he wasn’t going to show.  That would certainly make things easier for me.  I was quiet when I took my seat, still lost in thought. 

             
“Hey girl, what’s up?”  Leslie greeted me.

             
“Hey,” I replied.

             
“I was thinking that you, me, and AJ need to get together at your house again Saturday.”

Why oh why did she have to bring this up now?
  It felt like if I moved I’d give everything away.  Hearing AJ’s name mentioned aloud in Antonio’s presence was extremely uncomfortable and I could have died right then and there.  Although I was pretty sure that he had no idea of what was going on, it was still a little too much for me. 

H
oping that Leslie would drop the subject, I replied quickly.   “Yeah that’s fine.”

             
“Maybe this time you and AJ can actually
talk
to each other.  Then
maybe
we can be a bit more productive than last time.”

Shoot!  Leave it alone
, Leslie! 
I tried to laugh it off.  “Yeah……maybe.”

             
“I don’t know what his problem was.  Weird,” she continued.

             
“Well maybe he just doesn’t like me or something.  You know that
can
happen.  Everyone doesn’t have to get along,” I said defensively. 

             
“Maybe,” she said quietly, detecting the harsh tone of my voice.

             
“Sure didn’t seem that way at Homecoming,” Antonio muttered under his breath as he jabbed his fork into his food.

I glanced at him momentarily and then looked down at the table trying not to hyperventilate.  I had to force myself to act normal
ly so I started talking to Leslie again, about something else of course.  “So what do you and Terrance have going on this weekend?  Any plans?”

             
“No nothing that I know of,” she said as she glanced at him to see if there was something that she’d forgotten.  So much for
that
conversation I guess.  As I sat there searching for something else to talk about, my heart sank to my stomach.  A.J walked into the lunchroom and his eyes were on me the entire time.  Even once he’d taken his seat he continued to stare.  I made myself turn away so that I wouldn’t call attention to him, but I was too late.  Antonio had followed my eyes right to AJ.  He looked over at me again, but I’d already turned away. 

             
“I’m
really
starting not to like this dude,” Antonio said dryly. 

Ignoring his statement and pretending that I hadn’t
heard a thing he’d said seemed like the best way to handle it.  I was too scared to look over at Antonio because I didn’t know what he was thinking.  He continued to eat in silence and I could only hope that AJ had found something more interesting to look at than my face.  I needed Antonio to stay totally unaware of what was going on behind his back.  That’s how it had to be.